Miami Harold



H O M E-------D I S C L A I M E R-------A R C H I V E S-----S E N D - A - L E T T E R-----F E A T U R E

New York City, New York -- The 2003 Grammy Awards, held recently in New York City, may have been heralded as the most stylistically collaborative one ever, but some were outraged at the controversial omission of any musical artist that chose to create songs this year with the use of a midi. Grammy orgainzer, Burt Peterson, was quick to defend his position saying, "There's no such thing as MIDI music. MIDI has no sound, and doesn't transmit audio. MIDI is a data protocol, a means of communication." Try to tell that to Akira Chou, who's been doing MIDI jams since 1987. Chou, who held a press conference on the website www.nama.com/list/goto_login/midi12_/main/chou_speak.htm, was despondent and angry over the Grammy's lack of faith in his art form. "It's as if they don't care about sequencing programs designed to synthesize the way in which an electronic musical instrument communicates to it's host board."

West Palm Beach, Florida -- Lion Country Safari was surprised this week by the emergence of a male African lion. The lion, named Zimbwa Zor, Swahili for "nut ripper", apparantly went into seclusion four months ago. That date coincides exactly with the disappearance of Cub Scout Troupe 1919. Asked if 23 Cub Scouts could have sustained Zimbwa Zor for four months, officals at the Safari were quick to point out how sick we were.

Los Angeles, California -- In her first live interview in six years, entertainer LaToya Jackson appeared with talk show host Larry King on the CNN program 'Larry King Live' at the CNN studios in Los Angeles this week. During the interview she consistently told secrets about her brother Michael Jackson in an effort to keep viewers fixed on the show so that she might promote her latest album 'Startin' Over.', which King described as "a virtual crapfest".

Miami, Florida -- You know what, I was just reading through the stories this week (I occasionally read what Iwrite) and I realize now that the headline for the Latoya Jackson story is just too damn big! If you all have any suggestions as to how we might be able to shorten that thing up, please email me. Thanks.

This letter was submitted by "Allan"
in regard to the "Shit Boat of the Week" in our Thanksgiving issue (issue 16 in Archives).

"How dare thy insult the great maiden voyage of the Mayflower to the new world? Thou shalt writeth to thine editors and hope to bare witness to your shame whilst you sweat in the stocks!
God bless America!"

Who the hell do you think you are!!! You judgemental sonofabitch!!! How dare you? How dare you sir!!!?!?!
I'm calling you out ya boat lovin' bastard. I did a Google search on the name "Allan", and guess what, Google knows all! Now I know who you are...well, I've narrowed it down to four potential Allans...see below...

	I'm thinking you're most likely this guy...since the length of a letter speaks volumes on the height of a man.
	I wouldn't be surprised if this is who you really turned out to be. Scientests say judging people causes your teeth to fall out. That, and getting kicked in the chin while administering oral...either case works for you.
	I pray to God you're not this guy. If you are such a brooding person, you must surely be unAmerican. No good American spends so much time brooding. You freaking brooding BASTARD!
	I know this one is really you, Allan...you on the inside...your dark, hairy, ugly, judgemental, unAmerican soul.

You BASTARD!!!!
-MH
PS: Thanks for writing. I appreciate yours and everyone else's constructive criticism. Keep sending those letters.

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