Miami Harold



H O M E-------D I S C L A I M E R-------A R C H I V E S-----S E N D - A - L E T T E R-----F E A T U R E

Columbia, Rhode Island -- The 80's band, Great White, entered the center of an inquiry looking into the deaths of 96 people at a Rhode Island club this week. However, they are letting their lawyers do the talking. This is a huge change from the typically gregarious style of this hair band, although being implicated in unintentional murder tends to do that to a guy. For most intents and purposes, Great White isn't that different from the glut of mid-'80s hard rock/heavy metal bands, except for the fact that they are now responsible for killing 96 people. Their songs were derivative of Led Zeppelin, while their pyrotechnics were derivitive of another Zeppelin, the Hindenburg. Despite their lack of originality, the band managed to get gigs. Their latest debacle in Rhode Island could be descibed to the Biography-saturated-audience as when everything "came crashing down around them", if it weren't for the fact that everything around them had already crashed...as is witnessed by the fact that they are playing in a small club, in the middle of winter, in fuckin' Rhode Island!


WASHINGTON, District of Columbia -- In a report filed this week by the Department of Tourism, ticket sales on ocean-bound vacations are at an all time low thanks to a fear of infectious disease and Americans who are afraid of "cruise missiles". In a statement this week, the Secy. of the Department of Tourism said, "Cruise missiles don't go on cruise ships you dumb asses!" Pundits fear that asses will remain dumb for at least another 5 months.		NEW YORK, New York -- Matt Lauer still has no idea how bad his hair looks. Matt Lauer....WAKE UP!!!

One Right Makes A Wrong Less Wrong.

This letter was submitted by "Bruce"
in regard to Governor Bush and the issue of dead-beat dads.

"Dear Miami Harold
Recovery Services is so backaswwards that I received a letter from Child Support ENF-56 demanding that I pay $57,587.49 immediately.
SINCE I AM HOMELESS it seems like cruel and unusual punishment to invoke on a person on VA Disability.
The stress over the past 8 years over all this crap has caused me to become more and more ill.
I believe it would be an increase in my standard of living for you to just come and put me in "JAIL".
I give my kids assistance with their own kids.
GOVENOR BUSH>>>>> are you going to get someone to help me or not????"

First of all, Bruce, thanks for sending me this letter. I should probably tell you right off the bat that Governor Bush does not work for this website. In fact, I don't believe he's even seen it. Still...in an effort to help you out we will engage in a little role play exercise. OK Bruce, you get to be you. I will be Governor Bush...and we will pretend that I'm writing you back. OK?

Dear Bruce,
Who the fuck do you think you are, mister I-fuck-without-condoms-and-make-kids-with-no-intention-of-raising-them-because-I-got-shot-in-Nam-and-the-government-owes-me? Fuck you! You're stressed about letters...I'm stressed that your fuckin' kids might not eat! I'm stressed that the shit-hole life you brought them into is going to drive them to a life of crime and one day they are going to shoot my ass in a parking lot for 7 dollars...that's what I'm stressed about you fuckin' asshole!
By the way, backaswwards has one "w". You dick.

OK Bruce...I hope our role play helped you to understand both sides of this issue. Keep in mind I was just pretending to be Governor Bush, and he might not say the exact same thing. We hope you find a home and a job and work yourself out of your predicament.
-MH

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