If Only 4
Revelations
by Jinx

I started for home after I left the SGC. I knew that I shouldn't have left the mountain. The general must be spitting fire right about now, but I couldn't concern myself with that. Jack had left and it was my fault. I knew I had hurt Jack, but I didn't realize how much until now. Those side-ways glances he gave me on all those past missions since Sha'u'ri returned meant more than I realized; more than I *wanted* to realize. Jack may have presented an I-don't-care attitude to the world, but he was hurting inside. And, I didn't know, didn't understand. What an ass I've been!

Funny how I was driving to my house and found myself outside Jack's. I parked in my old spot and slowly got out of the car. The house looked empty, dark. Knowing that Jack had left made the dark house look more ominous, cold. Like Jack leaving sucked the life out of the building. I was at the front door before I realized that I didn't have a key anymore. Damn! That was the second time in the last few days that I went for a key I no longer had. Shit. How in the hell am I going to get in there. I have to get in there. I have to see for myself that Jack is gone. I have to....

I sat in front of the dark house for the fifth night in a row. Ever since I broke into Jack's house a week or so ago and found everything packed up, I started coming here hoping that one of the times I would drive up, I would find his car in the driveway. I knew there was no reason for this other than a faint hope that Jack might return. But, what was I thinking? //Jack's not coming back, Jackson. Why should he? You all but drove him away!//

I had spent the first several nights trying to find Jack. I had called everyone I could think of, breaking down and even calling Sara! She said she had not heard from him in several months. In fact, everyone that I spoke with said the same thing: they had not seen or heard from Jack in months. (I kind of pride myself in not being a stupid man, unless it comes to the one that I love. Then, it's obvious, I'm pretty much an imbecile.) I quickly determined that it was about the time that Sha'u'ri returned that Jack dropped out of sight with all of his friends outside of work.

Though, you know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that Jack dropped out of sight with everyone *inside* of work, too. Jack was rarely seen with anyone after a return from a mission. As soon as the debriefing was finished, Jack was usually the first one off the mountain. Either that, or he holed himself in his office with paperwork, hardly ever spending time with even his teammates. Heck, even the comments made by Teal'c didn't clue me in until too late. Teal'c mentioned on several occasions how Jack no longer took him out to "experience their world."

See, Jack had made a habit of taking Teal'c out after most missions and showing him around. Sometimes it was a camping trip. Other times, it would merely be a dinner or night on the town with the rest of us. But, it was always Jack who initiated the gatherings. After Sha'u'ri's return, however, the 'after-mission-gatherings' came to a grinding halt.

//And whose fault would that be, Jackson?// I had gotten really good at the rebuke-thing. //The second you saw Sha'u'ri again, you practically forgot that Jack existed.// I leaned my head on my hands that rested on the steering wheel. //Jack's always accused you of being single-minded. Well, you more than proved that.//

What made things worse was that I knew that Sha'u'ri was worried about me, too. I've barely been home in the last two weeks as I continued my search for Jack. I know I have to speak with her, explain to her what happened while she was gone. I think I dread that moment as much as I dread seeing Jack again. Though, as much as I wanted to see Jack again, I know I'll never be prepared for it. The talk I dread with Sha'u'ri pales in comparison to that with Jack. I need to explain so many things to Jack, that I have no clue where to start. I know starting with 'I'm sorry' won't begin to cover it. I could always go for the obvious: "I've been an idiot, please forgive me?" Hell, that sounds lame. How do you apologize for hurting someone as much as I know I've hurt Jack?

I think too much.

Sighing, he raised his head and looked back at the empty house. //Jack? Where are you?// he thought. Tears filled his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. There would be time enough for that later. Daniel started the car and made the short trip to his house. //Where to start? Might was well start at home.//

It didn't take me long to return home. We lived practically around the block from Jack. When I walked in, I hung my coat up in the hallway closet. Sighing (I've always seemed to be sighing recently), I stood with my back to the living room and laid my hand on the closet door.

On the drive home, I went over and over in my mind what I was planning on telling Sha'u'ri, but all thought took a hike as I entered our house. How was I going to tell my wife that while Amonet possessed her, my best friend and team leader was comforting me? Comforting, hell! I was sleeping with and, ended up falling in love with the same best friend and team leader.

Daniel shook his head and closed his eyes, leaning heavily against the closet door.

He knew that she suspected his lust for the colonel, who first came to destroy her world. But, in the end, Daniel had stayed on Abydos with her, saying a fond farewell to Colonel O'Neill. She had won. She got to keep her Dan'yel. What she didn't know was that everyday, Daniel thought about the colonel and everyday, he wished that he could see him again. That was one of the biggest reason Daniel had unburied the gate. If there was a chance for him to see Jack again, he would *have* to unbury the gate and pray that Jack somehow made contact.

He did. Oh boy, did he ever. It was the start of everything for Daniel. He was reunited with the one person who stole his heart from the beginning. He didn't realize his feelings went so deep, but, their bonding after Apophis' attack only deepened their friendship: forged the bond until, finally, that bond showed itself in the form of love.

Things only got better until, one day, SG-1 went on a scouting mission to P4R824 and ran into Sha'u'ri/Amonet. The team somehow managed to rescue Sha'u'ri. The citizens of that world having the technical capabilities of removing a Goa'uld from its host, while saving the host, much like the Tok'ra.

After the return to Abydos, Sha'u'ri was whisked away. The village healers needing to make sure she was indeed free of the parasite. Then, she was prepared for the feast the village had planned in honor of their daughter's return. Honoring, as well, the people who freed her: SG-1.

Daniel remembered seeing her come out of the tent for the first time after returning to Abydos. All thought scattered from Daniel's mind at seeing his wife free of the Goa'uld queen. The reunion was sweet and the village celebrated into the night, happy to see the two young people united once again. Sometime during the night, he took his wife back into the tent and celebrated her return, quickly forgetting the man outside; the man who gave him a reason to continue in the SGC; the man whom he loved, who loved him.

Daniel banged his head against the door at the memory. //Single-minded doesn't even begin to cover it, Jack,// he said to himself. //Thoughtless, stupid, inconsiderate, insensitive, I could go on, you know!// He closed his eyes and the tears stung behind the closed lids.

What had he done?

I jumped as I felt a hand on my shoulder, startling me out of my contemplation. "I am sorry, Dan'yel. I did not mean to frighten you." The hand that had brought me back to the present lingered and my beautiful wife looked up at me with concern.

I tried to paste on a smile, but it was pathetic at best. Instead, I reached for her and brought her into my arms, hugging her tightly. After a moment, I released her and looked into her warm brown eyes. I suppose it was now or never. So, I attempted a real smile to replace my frown and I brushed the hair off her face.

"Colonel Jack has not returned?"

I wanted to scream. Of all the words in all the world that she could have said, she had to say the exact phrase that crumbled my world. I could only shake my head.

I felt her hugging herself tight against me, burying her face against my chest. "I am sorry."

I couldn't move. How was I going to explain to her? I slid my arms away from Sha'u'ri, tilting my head back and looked at the ceiling, silently willing away the tears that threatened.

But, my wife is a smart woman. As though instinctually knowing my inner turmoil, Sha'u'ri pulled back from me and looked up into my eyes.

With eyes still closed, I dragged in a deep breath. //It's now or never, Jackson.// I opened my eyes and looked down. "We must talk." Sha'u'ri merely nodded her head. She took my wrist and led the way into the living room, sitting us both down on the couch.

When we were both seated, Sha'u'ri took both of my hands in hers. "Speak, my husband."

//Where do I start?!// I screamed silently at myself. How could I tell her...

"Sha'u'ri... I'm... I'm sorry... I am so sorry."

Confusion colored her features and Sha'u'ri asked, "Why do you apologize, Dan'yel? There is nothing to be sorry for."

I snorted. //Oh yes, there was! If you only knew!// Removing a hand from Sha'u'ri's grasp, I gently pushed back the hair from the side of her face with the backs of my fingers. This was a familiar gesture as her hair was always falling in such a way as to cover her features. God, she was beautiful. But, even with all that beauty and love that she clearly has for me, I am in love with another person, and I will never be able to love her as she deserved.

"I'm afraid there *is*," I disagreed. "There is so much to apologize for, I don't know where to begin."

"Perhaps you should begin at the beginning." I smiled at that and cupped her cheek, thumbing her high cheekbone. God, she can be so much like Jack in some ways.

"I wish it were that easy, Sha'u'ri. But, it's more than that."

An almost knowing look crossed her face and she asked, "Does it concern Colonel Jack?"

I flushed and bowed my head, dropping my hand from her face. It was as though my guilt overwhelmed me and I searched my mind to graple for the right words.

I felt Sha'u'ri tense and then remove her hands from mine. I could also feel her eyes bore into me as I continued to bow my head.

"I had hoped I was wrong," she whispered. That brought my head around and I looked at my wife with confusion and shock.

"What?" I managed to stammer. I watched as Sha'u'ri got up from the sofa and moved towards the fireplace.

With her back still towards me, she answered, "I hoped I was wrong."

"Wrong about what?" I asked, confusion clouding my voice.

Turning to face me, Sha'u'ri said, "About you and Colonel Jack."

I sat blinking at my wife, trying to understand what it was she was implying. Then, it hit me. It was like the perverbial lightbulb going off in my head. I understood completely. My shame and guilt caused me to close my eyes as realization hit me. Sha'u'ri was a smart woman. She had seen what I had hoped and prayed she had not... She knew I had feelings for the colonel even on our first trip to Abydos. She knew.

Oh god, she knew!

And with that realization came a flash of anger. If she knew all that time ago, why did she not say anything? How could she go on pretending, demanding of me when she knew that my love was with another? However, as fast as the anger came, it vanished. How could I be angry at the woman who only wanted to be happy? I *did* feel manipulated, but, I was just as guilty.

The silence that filled the room was palpable. It weighed heavily on my chest, taking the breath from my lungs. She already knew how I felt about Jack. What else did the attentive woman know? Probably everything, by the looks of things.

For the first time since she moved away from me, she turned around and looked at me with those sad brown eyes. The depth of understanding was almost too much for me. I wanted to turn away from the despondent look in Sha'u'ri's eyes, but didn't. Heck, I couldn't. I couldn't do that to her especially since we were being honest with each other.

After a moment and feeling as though I should say something, I began, "Sha'u'ri..."

"I had hoped I was wrong," she repeated. "When you greeted me as you had when we returned to Abydos, I was convinced I was wrong. I knew you did not care for him as much as you cared for me. I knew you loved me more than him, and we could go back to the life we had before." Her voice broke.

"Oh, god, Sha'u'ri, I am sorry."

"I know, my husband," she answered, choking on the last word. Taking a deep breath, she continued. "However, it is I that should apologize."

That got my attention. I blinked at her. //What? What is she talking about?//

"I knew that you did not know that I was given to you as a wife, in the beginning. However, I let you believe what you wished until my brother and his friends made fun of you. Yet, you still stayed with me. That gave me hope that you wished to be with me and not return to your home world. I watched you watch him, and knew if I did not do something, you would leave. I had hoped that if I kept you away from him, you would forget about him. I took you to the tunnels; showed you the symbols, anything to make you want to stay.

"I was so happy when you *did* stay. You wished a farewell to Colonel Jack and stayed behind with us, with me.

"However, I was troubled when you wanted to unbury the gate. I knew that if you did so, you would make contact with Colonel Jack and he would take you away from me."

"Sha'u'ri," I interrupted. I had to. I needed to stop the flow of the words that rang truer than I could admit.

"Please," she requested, holding up a hand to stay my interruption. "I know these words are true. I saw it in your eyes when he returned. I saw how you looked at him, how possessive you were when he passed you and greeted Skaara before you. And, I saw the look in his eyes when he *did* greet you. Why did you think I kissed you as I did? I am ashamed to admit I was resentful of him." She lowered her eyes in humiliation.

"Sha'u'ri. Why didn't you say anything before this?"

"As I said, I wanted you for myself. I hoped that if I kept you 'occupied?'," she questioned if the word was correct, but continued, "you would not want to return to earth. But, I saw. Everyday after Colonel Jack left, I saw it in your eyes."

"Sha'u'ri, I did want to be with you. I do. I..."

"Dan'yel," she interrupted. She paused for a moment as though gathering the courage to say the next words: "I grant you to be with the one who holds your heart. I know that is not me. I know your love for me is not gone, but we can not be together anymore."

"Just a minute." I stood up, unable to stand the grief emanating from my wife. "You hold my heart, Sha'u'ri. I love you."

"You know I am right, Dan'yel. You know we can never be together as long as your heart belongs to another." I suppose I gave her one hell of a look because after her pause, she continued, "I am not angry, Dan'yel. I mourn that Apophis took away what we could have had, though, I fear that I lost you long before I had you."

"Sha'u'ri..."

I don't know what it was in my voice that caused her to do what she did, but she turned around to look me in the eye. Sha'u'ri stood before me, almost defiantly. "Dan'yel. You cannot have the both of us. You must choose."

I froze, staring at her. I know my mouth was hanging open. I felt like I had lost all muscle function in my face. Gathering myself together, I managed to remember how to work my jaw to say something and, just a quickly, closed my mouth. I tried again, but nothing was coming out. For once, I was at a loss for words. Jack would have been shocked. Finally, when I was able, I spoke; the words, soft. "Please, don't make me chose."

The defiance deflated from Sha'u'ri as quickly as it appeared, much like a burst balloon. Sadness was replaced on her features as a remorseful smile graced her lips. "You have already chosen."

We stared at each other for long minutes, letting the truth of the words soak in. Finally, I couldn't stand the silence and I said the only thing I could say: "Oh, god, Sha'u'ri, I am so sorry." I stood before her, in front of the fireplace, shoulders slumped, grief and loss stemming from us both.

Before I knew what was happening, arms surrounded my waist, pulling me close. Unable to contain myself, I dropped my head in Sha'u'ri's hair and cried. I cried for her loss and mine. Not only had I lost such an understanding, wonderful woman, but, the person I had lost her *to* was gone, as well. Theoretically, I was alone now. I had lost the two people that had meant anything to me.

Sha'u'ri and Daniel stood in the embarkation room. Three bags surrounded the two people. General Hammond ordered everyone out of the room to allow the young couple their "privacy". Hammond did not understand what was happening to send Sha'u'ri back to Abydos, and, by the look on Daniel's face, he was not willing to push the anthropologist for an answer, either.

"I am sorry, Sha'u'ri," Daniel said, holding her hands in his.

Releasing one of her hands, she ran her fingers down the side of Daniel's face. "I think we are both sorry, Dan'yel."

He smiled at her and stroked her cheek with the back of one hand. The couple had talked throughout the night and most of the next day, deciding that sending Sha'u'ri back to Abydos was the right thing to do. There was nothing for Sha'u'ri on earth if Daniel was not with her. And, truth be told, though she enjoyed the modern conveniences of his world, she missed her friends and family. Daniel made sure that she took what she wanted and what she could with her, promising her that whatever she needed, he would get to her. They had sent several bags through the gate already. The only thing left was three bags and the woman, herself.

They stood, looking into each other's eyes, knowing that, while it may not be goodbye forever, it was certainly goodbye as husband and wife.

Daniel had worried that sending Sha'u'ri back without himself could create a problem for her. Would she return in disgrace that her husband did not want her? No. Kasuf was an understanding father and would understand the reasons for his daughter's return. He had even spoke to Daniel at length as to what he would do if and when Sha'u'ri was returned to them. He knew about Daniel and Colonel Jack, or suspected, at the very least. While he was pleased that Daniel said he would again be Sha'u'ri's husband, Daniel suspected that Kasuf knew what he did not... Daniel could not live without Jack in his life.

"I love you, my husb..." she cut herself off, feeling as though she no longer had the right to call Daniel by that name. "I love you, Dan'yel."

Daniel gave her a sad smile. "I love you, too, Sha'u'ri. I will always love you. Please know that."

Sha'u'ri smiled in return. "I do."

The two kissed. It was soft and chaste, much like their first kiss had been so many years ago. When they broke apart, tears were streaming freely down Sha'u'ri's face. "I do," she whispered.

Bending down, she picked up the three bags and made her way up the ramp to the waiting gate. With one last look behind her, Sha'u'ri disappeared into the swirl of blue. And, as quickly as she appeared in his life, she was gone, the gate deactivating, leaving the room silent and empty.

Daniel continued to look up the ramp at the now quiet gate. He stared at the wall behind the gate, but his mind was elsewhere.

Sighing, he turned and left the room, oblivious to the concerned stares of the general and the several others in the control room.

Daniel hadn't felt this alone in a long time.

Finis

Next: Healing