If Only 5
Healing
by Jinx

Betaed?: Sorry, nope. All mistakes mine, Mine, MINE!

Disclaimers: yadda, yadda, yadda

Summary: J & D come face to face... can they make amends?

Warnings: For external use only. Keep out of reach of children.

Notes: I know Sha'u'ri is spelled 'Sha're' in the series, but I figured I'd better keep with how I started it in the first story. <g> Also, this is, again, for my pest---Alix. ;)

Daniel had spent most of his time searching for Jack since the moment he had found out that Jack was gone. He'd asked everyone he knew, including those he didn't know, but did know Jack. Everyone said the same thing: "hadn't seen him in months."

The searching drove him into telling Sha'u'ri about him and Jack. Though, he was shocked when she told him that she already knew. They discussed their options, //nice way of putting it, Jackson//, and decided that she would return to Abydos and he would search for "the one who stole his heart". Those were Sha'u'ri's words, not his. But, she couldn't have been closer to the truth. Jack had stolen his heart from the beginning. Unfortunately, Daniel was just too blind and too selfish to understand it at the time.

On their first mission to Abydos, Jack had been a hard-assed soldier with a death wish, but Daniel could tell that even then, the colonel had a soft spot for the linguist. He didn't balk at Daniel wanting to go along on the mission to Abydos. Sure, there were problems on both sides once they arrived, but, when it was time to return to Earth, Daniel had sent the colonel through the gate with a heavy heart. He wasn't sure that he would ever see the tough-nosed colonel again. Which was the reason he'd unburied the gate as soon as the year was over.

Things had quickly escalated from there. The two men had become friends, then best friends, then more. The love Daniel had for Jack was unlike anything he had experience before. Daniel knew he loved Sha'u'ri. But, his love for Jack made all the other relationships pale by comparison.

So, after sending Sha'u'ri back through the gate to Abydos, Daniel immersed himself in searching for Jack. //Where could he have gone?//

Minnesota:

The quiet life was slowly driving Jack insane. He had hoped that after leaving the SGC and distancing himself away from Daniel as much as possible, things would get easier. Instead, it only served to drive him crazy with loneliness. He was a self-sufficient man. He had been alone for most his life, dammit! Why the hell should being alone again be that big a deal?! It's not as if he wasn't a pro at being by himself. If they gave medals for loneliness, he'd have a gold star!

Unfortunately, the time he was with Daniel negated the whole self-sufficient thing. Life sucked!

The time spent being alone was not wasted, however. Jack had enough stacked wood to last several winters or keep most of Minnesota warm this winter. You could barely see the cabin for all the wood surrounding the walls. He hiked so much that he knew every square inch of the surrounding forest by touch. He knew where the bears lived, where the raccoons lived, where the squirrels lived, where every fucking creature in a fifty mile radius lived! He fished so much and ate so much of what he caught that if he saw another fish in his lifetime, he would throw up. The only thing that kept him going were the nights. Okay, that wasn't quite right. The sleeping part sucked big time, but watching the stars on the clear Minnesota nights was brilliant. He would stay up for hours cataloguing each and every constellation, marking in the night's sky where he and his team had gone, wondering if they were on one of the planets he was looking at now.

And, of course, the second his little mind would think about his team, he would inevitably think about Danny. And he would get depressed. Ah, a vicious cycle.

Jack sat watching the sparks flicker off the logs in the fire, nursing a beer. Soft music played gently in the background. The cabin glowed inside; the only light - the fire and a few lamps lit around the room. It would be comfortable if the one you loved was sitting next to you. Unfortunately, for Jack, the one he loved was with someone else.

//Life sucks!// He reiterated, raising his beer to the fireplace in a toast and drank deeply.

Somewhere on I-35:

Daniel's fingers were griped tightly around the sterring wheel, strangling the hell out of the leather, yet he drove calmly and sedately, trying not to lose his mind and drive like a stock car racer. He had found out where Jack had gone and wanted nothing more than to hop a plane and drag his military ass back home. But, after thinking long and hard about it, he determined that that would be the wrong course of action to take. Jack would be skittish, suspicious, and there would be no way on earth (or anywhere else in the universe for that matter) that Daniel would get Jack to return to Colorado with him.

He knew that Jack was playing the self-sacrificing hero. That was what Jack did. But, Daniel decided, that was about to end. Just as soon as he got to Minnesota.

The drive was long and tedious. But, the thought of Jack at the end of the journey was enough to keep Daniel going. Thank god for Sara. She would never know how grateful Daniel was to hear from her. It was about a week after talking with her the first time when she mentioned that Jack's grandfather had a cabin in Minnesota, but was sure that no one used it anymore. She thought Jack had let it go and forgot about it. But, it could be a possibility that Jack had kept it up without her knowledge.

And kept it up, he did. Daniel had found out that unbeknowst to Sara or anyone else, Jack not only kept the place, but, he went there several times a year since his return to earth from the first Abydos mission. Thank goodness for talkative old men in small northern Minnesota towns.

Jack was returning from another hike in the woods, when he rounded a corner and found a familiar car parked in front of the cabin.

"No fucking way. It can't be," he muttered to himself as he stood frozen at the edge of the woods and stared at the car. After a quick glance at the license plates, he determined, 'yes, fucking way.'

Shit.

Somehow, Jack got his feet moving in the direction of the cabin, tossing the stick he was using as a walking pole to the ground. When he rounded the corner, he saw the familiar profile of Daniel sitting in his chair on the porch. Gulping in a great amount of air, attempting to calm his frantically beating heart, Jack made his presence known by stepping up the steps to the porch, causing them to creak under his weight.

The noise caused Daniel to crane his head around and, for the first time in over four weeks, Jack and Daniel saw each other.

Trying his damnedest to look nonchalant, Jack continued his journey up the steps and leaned against the railing, keeping a slight distance from the other man.

"Hello, Jack."

"Daniel."

Daniel looked down at his hands in the familiar gesture of insecurity. Now that the moment was upon him, he had no idea what to say or what to do. All the rehearsed words Daniel practiced on his way to Minnesota disappeared. However, Jack's next words brought him back to the present.

"What are you doing here, Daniel?"

"Um, I was worried about you. When you left the SGC, I... Well, I needed to find out... Um, I was just worried about you," he finally said, shrugging his shoulders.

Closing his eyes from the uneasy anthropologist, Jack breathed in slowly, as though giving him the courage to say the next words. Stepping away from the railing, he said, "Well, you've found me. See? I'm fine. I guess you can go home now." Jack started for the backdoor.

"Jack," Daniel moved to intercept, hand out to stop the other man.

"Daniel," Jack warned, his back toward Daniel.

"Sha'u'ri's gone."

Jack stopped in his tracks and turned around. "What? What happened?" He didn't care except for the welfare of his friend. That was something that would never change.

"She found out about..."

"Oh," Jack said, bowing his head. He felt guilty. He had tried his damnedest to make sure that Sha'u'ri never knew about him and Daniel. And, as much as Daniel hurt him, he would never wish unhappiness for the younger man, no matter what the cost to himself. Looking up into Daniel's blue eyes, Jack offered softly, "I'm sorry, Daniel. Really," he added, hoping that Daniel knew it to be the truth.

The two men stood on the porch: Jack looking at his shoes, shame filling him and Daniel looking at Jack and hating himself more and more for hurting this man.

Finally: "I told her."

Jack's head jerked up and he stared at Daniel, eyes wide with shock. "What?!"

"I told her."

"Why? Daniel, why? Whaddya go and do something like that for?" He was angry! Angry that all the pain and hurt he had gone through to let Daniel go and allow him and Sha'u'ri be husband and wife was tossed to the four winds. Angry that Daniel would have put him through this only to turn around and throw it all away. Had he decided that he wanted Jack after all? And, if so, for how long? How long would it last until Daniel got bored with him and seek out Sha'u'ri again. Or worse, seek out someone else? This was unacceptable! "What the hell were you thinking?"

"Jack, I realized I didn't want her the way I want you."

"Oh for cryin' out loud! I don't believe this!" Jack tossed his hands in the air and stomped off into the cabin, Daniel at his heels.

"Jack, wait!" Daniel followed Jack into the cabin and watched as the older man paced around the living room, running an agitated hand through the greying hair. He knew to expect this from Jack, and was prepared to explain. "Jack..."

"NO!" Jack whirled around and pointed a finger at the younger man. "You wait, Daniel. You just up and decided that after three months it wasn't her that you wanted?! You can't be serious?! The realization just pop right out of the blue for you, did it, Jackson? She wasn't giving you what you needed, huh? She wasn't enough for you? Sex with a woman just isn't the same, is it, Daniel! Finally figured that out, huh?"

"Stop it," Daniel whispered. He knew Jack would be angry, but never thought he would be hurtful, as well. //Though, why wouldn't he? He has every right,// Daniel thought to himself.

Jack didn't hear him as he continued his tirade. "Three months without a man's cock up your ass too long, was it? Thought you could hunt down 'old dependable Jack' and he could fix you up, make you feel better, then let you go back to your wife, so you can have the best of both world, isn't that right?!" Jack was in Daniel's face, now and had backed him up against the closed door. "Well, Danny," he spat. "It doesn't work that way. You can forget it."

Somewhere during Jack's diatribe, Daniel felt the flames of anger begin to engulf his insides. While he agreed that Jack had every right to be angry with him, Jack was stepping over the lines with his words. Before he knew what was happening, he found himself backed up against the door. This action coupled with Jack's hostile words caused something in Daniel to snap and he struck out, smashing his fist into Jack's face.

Jack was knocked backwards, hitting his head against the end table to the couch. He blinked, trying to clear his vision, and saw Daniel standing over him, looking as though he was going to hit him again.

Jack blinked again, bringing up his hand to wipe the blood from the corner of his eye. "Go ahead, Daniel. Finish it. You might as well. You can't hurt me any more than you already have."

Daniel noticed the blood seeping out of the wound from the cut above his eye, and, for the first time, saw the ultimate hurt and sadden in the brown eyes. But, it was more than that. It was the look of betrayal that hit Daniel the hardest, that and the defeat in Jack's voice. All anger fled and he reached down a hand to help Jack up.

However, Jack, not wanting Daniel's help, slapped his hand away, and rose to his feet himself. He staggered for a moment, finally leaning up against the back of the sofa. Daniel wanted nothing more than to reach out to Jack and help him, but refrained. Jack was not ready to accept help from him at the moment. Or anything else for that matter and Daniel knew that, so, he stood a few feet from Jack and watched as the other man rubbed at his eye, the blood refusing to stop oozing from the wound.

Daniel looked passed Jack and found that the kitchen lay just beyond. He looked behind him and noted the hall. Without saying a word, he turned and left Jack in the living room, walking down the hallway in search of the bathroom. Hopefully, Jack was as anal here as he was in Colorado and had a fully supplied first aid kit under the sink.

Having found the first aid box, Daniel brought it out into the living room only to find the room empty.

"Jack?" Daniel called out. Instead of an answer, he heard the water running in the kitchen and followed the noise. When he entered, he found Jack leaning over the sink, holding a dish towel to his head.

"Jack, c'mon. Let's fix you up, okay?" Daniel's voice was soft as he moved up to Jack and touched his arm, feeling it tense under his fingers. Jack lifted his arm up and over Daniel's hand, trying to remove it from the other man's grasp. He then moved out of the kitchen, still holding the towel to his head, and still not looking at Daniel.

Daniel closed his eyes for a moment and slowly inhaled a deep breath. When he felt he was more in control, he left the kitchen, clutching the first aid kit in a white knuckled grip. He found Jack sprawled on the couch, head leaning against the back of the cushion, towel pressed tightly against the side of his face.

Slowly and quietly, Daniel entered the room and sat down next to Jack. He touched Jack's hand, and when his hand was not batted away, he carefully removed the towel. He sighed inside with relief as Jack allowed Daniel to touch him. Jack's eyes were closed, but screwed tightly shut. Whether it was from the pain or Daniel's presence, he wasn't sure. Deciding not to dwell on it, Daniel went through the motions of bandaging Jack's wound, careful not to cause him any more pain.

When he finished, Daniel leaned back against the couch sideways and watched Jack, lowering his own head against the back of the sofa. During the course of the first aid, Jack's eyes smoothed out, though stayed closed. He wasn't sure if Jack had fallen asleep or what; and, not wanting to disturb him, Daniel decided to stay quiet and just watch Jack. He noted the dark smudges under the closed eyes and felt a flash of guilt run through him. He knew he was the cause of those bruises and wanted nothing more than to smooth them away. He was determined to get Jack back, but, he also knew that it was going to be a rough and rocky road. But, looking at Jack now, he knew that it was going to be worth it.

He loved him.

He understood the words Jack had spoken earlier were out of anger and nothing more. Yes, there was some truth to those words, but, Jack would never have been intentionally hurtful if he, himself, had not been hurt first. That was the way Jack was. He lashes out when he is hurt; his words expressing his pain.

Daniel was so deep in thought that it took him several minutes to be aware that Jack was now looking at him. Daniel blinked and tried on a half smile. "Hey."

Jack's attempt of a smile fell flat and he merely responded with, "Thanks." And, he quickly looked away, not wanting Daniel to see the need and want in his eyes.

Silently, the two men sat on the couch for several minutes, each lost in their own thoughts. Soon, though, Jack began to fidget. He glanced at Daniel several times from the corner of his eye, growing more and more uncomfortable. Daniel, who was still busy inside his head, didn't realize what he was doing until Jack finally said, "Will you stop that?!" To help Daniel out with 'stopping that', Jack got up and walked to the fireplace.

Daniel blinked several times. "What?"

"Staring at me!" Jack mumbled from his spot on the other side of the room.

"Oh." Daniel looked down at his hands in his lap. "Sorry."

Sighing heavily, Jack closed his eyes and leaned his forehead on his folded arms that rested on the mantle. "No. I'm sorry."

Daniel looked up immediately. There was a lot more being said in those three little words than just apologizing for being annoyed at Daniel's staring. He looked at the older man by the fireplace and noted his slumped posture. It took everything he had to not go to Jack. He practically had to sit on his hands to stop himself from going to Jack's side.

"Jack?"

He heard Jack sigh again and bit his lip, trying to force himself to stay put. Whatever it was that Jack wanted to say, Daniel knew it would not help if he was in any close proximity to the other man.

He watched as Jack raised his head from his arms and faced straight ahead. Whether Jack was staring at the wall or keeping his eyes closed, Daniel could not tell. Another sigh from Jack, and then:

"I'm sorry, Danny. About everything."

Daniel frowned. //What did Jack have to be sorry for? I'm the one who screwed up.//

Then, the words Jack spoke penetrated his mind and he closed his eyes on the threatening tears. Never, in a million years, did he think he would EVER hear Jack call him 'Danny' again. At least not out of spite as Jack had earlier. That, in and of itself, proved to Daniel that Jack still loved him. No matter what hurtful words were said before this and what words would be said after, Daniel knew in the depth of his being that Jack still loved him as much as Daniel loved the colonel. He wanted to keep this moment safe, locked up in the inner most part of his heart and never let go. However, he knew that there was still a lot that needed to be said by both men before things could even remotely go back to being the way it was before.

And, in all the words that Daniel could have and should have said at this moment, the only thing that came to mind: "Me, too." But, that was not enough. It was *he*, not Jack that needed to apologize. Not only for the hell that Daniel put Jack through in the last three months, but for everything: there needed to be more words, and Daniel knew this. Swallowing in a large mouthful of air, Daniel sat up on the couch, looking at Jack's back and began:

"Jack. There is no way I can begin to apologize for what I've done. I shouldn't expect you to ever forgive me, and I don't. I need you to know that I know that what I've done was the most stupid, idiotic, horrible thing anyone could ever do to another human being. Especially someone they profess to love.

"I was so caught up in the need to rescue Sha'u'ri that I forgot about everything and everyone around me when we did find her. I thought my quest to find her was about my love for her. And, I do love her, Jack." He watched Jack's back tense up. He didn't want to say it to hurt the other man, but Daniel was not about to start lying. This was definately not the time for that. Not when he wanted to get Jack back in his life again.

And, that's what it all came down to...getting Jack back in his life. If he and Jack could never be lovers again, he still needed Jack in his life. It would hurt to be around him and never have him the way he did before, but, the alternative was far worse. He came to this conclusion during the last four weeks. Life without Jack was no life at all. That sounded melodramatic even to his own ears, but, it was the truth. He had to patch up their friendship before trying to patch up their love life. And, if their love life was never to be again, it would be okay as long as the friendship was there.

It was with this thought that Daniel carried on. "I know you don't want to hear this, but, I have to tell you. You deserve the truth. God knows that's been lacking in my life the last several months." Sighing, Daniel adjusted himself and turned to sit completely on the couch, facing Jack, hands clasped between his knees, eyes still locked on Jack's back.

"I didn't find out you were gone until General Hammond told us you handed in your resignation during our briefing for the next mission. He sort of tossed it at us when he introduced your replacement." He watched as Jack's head went up. He knew the colonel was interested as to whom Hammond replaced him with, so he told him. "He brought in Colonel Brandt..." Jack's snort made Daniel smile. He knew that Jack wouldn't have been happy with anyone Hammond brought in to replace him, especially that tight-assed Colonel Brandt.

He went on: "It was if my whole world shattered. I left the briefing and went to your office. I'm sure General Hammond wasn't too pleased with the way I left, but, he didn't say anything when I reported to him the next day. Anyway, I went to your house that night, hoping you'd be there, but..." Daniel's voice grew shaky at the memory. Sighing again, he continued. "I took out my keyring, but remembered too late that I didn't have it anymore. It was like I was beginning to realize for the first time what it was I did, what I gave up." He watched as Jack tense up again. Daniel closed his eyes and forced himself to continue. He had to do this. He had to tell Jack everything.

"I went around the house looking for a way in and found a window open. I crawled inside and went into the living room. You covered everything up," Daniel practically accused, though, he didn't mean it that way. He watched as Jack tensed further, wondering if the other man was going to say something.

He didn't.

"All I could think of was how dark and lonely the house looked. I don't think I've ever seen it that empty, that cold. It was like another sign that made me realize what I did to you. I know I can get kinda caught up in things, but, I never realized until that second what actually happened; what I'd done. I guess you could call it a 'wake-up call'. I don't know how long I stayed in your house. I just stood in the middle of the room for--I don't know how long. I did a lot of thinking."

Daniel paused in his story. Partly to see if Jack wanted to comment and partly to find the next words he needed to say. Unfortunately, Jack didn't say anything. He didn't move either. Daniel knew Jack was listening; he could tell by the tensing of the other man's body when he said something particularly hurtful. But, Daniel was hoping that Jack would say something. Though, he didn't know what Jack could say. He secretly knew that Jack wouldn't comment. He knew that Jack would allow him to say everything he needed to say. However, Daniel wondered if Jack would say anything at all after everything that's happened.

Gulping in more breath, Daniel continued. "The first thing that I realized was what an incredibly selfish person I'd been. I was so caught up in trying to find Sha'u'ri, that when I did, I couldn't think of anything else. You know how I can be extremely single-minded sometimes. I forgot everything and anything and focused solely on her and her return. I can't tell you how sorry I am, Jack." Tears could be heard in that last sentence, but Daniel proceeded. "It took the knowledge that I lost you to make me realize that my priorities were so screwed up. Somewhere along the lines my need to find Sha'u'ri manifested itself into what I thought was love. But, it wasn't the same as the love I thought I had for her. I do love her," he reiterated. The body at the mantle shifted. "But, it's not what I thought it was. It's not the love of a husband to a wife. More like a love of a friend. And, somehow," Daniel's voice quaked. "She knew that."

It was this that got Jack to turn around. Daniel's breath caught in his throat when he saw the pale features of the other man. The bandage stood out in stark contrast to the rest of Jack's face. His brown eyes looked even further shrunk in than before, the dark circles under the eyes larger and more pronounced. He wanted to go to Jack, but knew it would not be welcomed. Not yet. //Would it ever?// he wondered.

Though this felt better than looking at Jack's back, Jack would not meet his eyes. He merely looked at the floor between them. But, it was enough for Daniel. He went forward with his speech, now looking in the face of the man he loved.

"As I drove home that night, I tried to figure out a way to explain to Sha'u'ri everything that had happened. But by the time I got home, I still had no idea what to say. She kind of took over from there. She had asked what was wrong and I told her you left. I can't really remember what happened next. The next thing I knew, she was telling me how she'd always known I'd love you. It was one of the reasons she broke tribal rules and showed me the hidden room. She wanted me to figure out a way to get the rest of you home, hoping that after you left, I'd forget about you and be content with her."

Daniel watched as Jack straightened. Yet, Jack would still not meet his eyes.

"She did everything possible to distract me from unburying the gate after that year. She knew that if I reopened the gate, I would go back to you."

Jack did look up at Daniel for a moment at those words. Their eyes met and Daniel felt his heart soar at the emotion in Jack's eyes. But, as soon as it happened, it disappeared and Jack diverted his eyes again, looking at the floor between them. It was enough, however, to force Daniel to press on.

"She knew what I didn't. I mean, I knew there was an attraction between us, but, I didn't think it was anything other than that. But, somehow, she knew. It was why she gave me that possessive kiss before I took you and Sam to the room I'd found. She was never that way with me before. She was a more tentative lover than anything, so to have her kiss me like that, and in front of everyone, was strange. But, again, I didn't think anything of it.

"Only, all this time, she knew she was going to lose me. Lose me to you."

Jack closed his eyes and slowly turned back around. Daniel sighed. He was losing him. Daniel closed his own eyes and fought his emotions. But, he had to go on.

"Then, she told me that I had to choose." Daniel stopped. He bore his eyes into Jack's back, hoping that the other man would turn around. But Jack remained with his back towards Daniel. Daniel looked down at his hands and sighed. Looking up again, he made his decision. He got up and approached the other man. Wanting nothing more than to reach out to his friend, but, keeping his hands at his sides, he softly said, "I chose."

Daniel watched as Jack's shoulders began to shake. It was imperceptible at first, but quickly grew, causing the shudder to cascade throughout the older man's body. Daniel could not stop himself and he reached out and placed a hand on Jack's shoulder, intending to hug the other man. When Jack shook his head, Daniel reluctantly pulled back, but, kept his close proximity.

The tremors continued for several moments before quieting down to intermittent shudders. Daniel heard Jack clear his throat before moving away from the younger man.

"Uh," Jack paused to clear his throat again, yet didn't turn around. "There are blankets in the hall closet, and sheets in the cabinet by the bathroom. I don't have another bedroom, but the couch folds out, so..." Jack left his sentence hanging as he slowly shuffled off to his bedroom.

Daniel watched him go. The bedroom door quietly closed shut behind Jack, and Daniel was left alone in the living room by the fireplace. He wasn't surprised at Jack's seemingly abrupt departure. He knew the other man was close to an emotional breaking point and needed to distance himself away for awhile. He was thankful for one thing, though... Jack did not throw him out of the house. That told Daniel more than anything that things between them could and would be worked out.

With that thought, Daniel went down the hall and pulled the blankets from the closet and settled on the couch. He watched the fire as he thought about the other man in the next room.

Jack woke up at the crack of dawn, his head was pounding from the cut above his eye and his jaw was sore. He couldn't be sure as to when he fell asleep, only that he stayed awake for several hours after leaving Daniel in the living room. He didn't want to get up yet, but the cabin was cold. Very cold. And, he was sure that the archeologist would be freezing once he got up, as well. So, Jack rolled out of bed and tossed on some sweatpants and a thick sweatshirt, along with a pair of warm socks before padding into the other room.

His breath caught as he entered the living room at the man on his couch. Daniel, who had not unfolded the sofa, was bundled under several blankets, only his head peeking out from the pile. He looked so much the lost-little-innocent-boy Jack accused him of being when they were together. He closed his eyes and concentrated on rebuilding the fire. He didn't want to be reminded about Daniel's virtues. He didn't want to remember their time together. Because, while those memories were wonderful, they would always lead to an end, when Daniel essentially left him for his wife.

Jack tried to be as quiet as he could, but the noise of the paper and kindling being placed in the open fireplace woke Daniel and he gently sat up, making as little noise as possible and watched Jack.

The older man was squatting in front of the kindling. He silently ran the match across the rock surface of the fireplace and set about lighting the fire. Daniel watched the other man and knew the instant that Jack knew he was being watched. His hunched position straightened, and Jack turned his head slightly, acknowledging Daniel's now wakeful state.

"Gets kinda cold up here," Jack remarked.

Daniel smiled, though Jack couldn't see it. "Feels colder than Colorado," he replied, wrapping the blankets tighter around himself.

Jack just nodded his head and continued fanning the flames, adding larger pieces of wood before adding a small log. By the time the fire was burning on its own, Jack had stood up in an imitation of last night's position.

He cleared his throat and half turned to Daniel. "Um, are you hungry? I have lots of fish."

Though Daniel wasn't hungry at all, he figured Jack needed this parody of normalicy, so he agreed. "Sure. Sounds good."

Jack made a beeline for the kitchen, leaving a contemplating Daniel behind him.

Breakfast was extremely strained. Jack still refused to look at Daniel and Daniel didn't know what to say. He decided on the innane and told Jack that SG-1 was on permanent stand-down. That brought Jack's head up, but not enough to make eye contact. Teal'c refused to serve with anyone other than 'O'Neil'. And, with Daniel asking for a vacation, Hammond had no choice but to stand them down.

Daniel stopped with his fork halfway to his mouth as he saw and heard Jack chuckle at his remark about Teal'c. He smiled until he heard Jack's commented, "Loyal bastard." Which made him lose his already sparse appetite. He gently placed his fork on his plate and left the table, going outside.

Daniel walked down the stairs toward the lake. He knew Jack didn't mean anything by his remark, but it didn't make him feel any better. It just drove home what he had done to Jack.

He looked across the lake and watched a few ducks swim some distance from the shore. He absently watched as they dove down into the water and popped back up, like corks. However, his mind wasn't on the ducks. He was seeing the hurt in Jack's eyes as he turned away from the other man and went to his wife. He mentally kicked himself over and over for the pain he put his friend through.

He didn't know how long he stood there, but, suddenly, he felt a presence at his back. Jack was several feet behind him, though, Daniel knew he was there. He could feel him. He always could feel Jack. He smiled.

"Sorry."

Daniel sighed and looked down at the shoreline. Since he'd been back, Jack had said he was sorry several times, and there was nothing for him to apologize for. An irrational anger ran through him and Daniel turned around and faced the other man.

"Jack! You have nothing to apologize for! I'm the asshole here!" Daniel's arms flew around him, and he began his trademark pacing.

Jack raised an eyebrow and looked on in bemusement as Daniel flung himself around the lakeside, cursing himself as he went.

"I'm the jerk, and you apologize!" Daniel muttered to himself. "I'm over-reactive, and yet you say you're sorry. I don't believe this." Daniel whirled on Jack and approached him, his earlier hesitation with Jack completely gone. "What the hell is with you? I should be down on my knees begging for forgiveness. Instead, I'm being all Miss Sensitive whenever you make a remark. Jesus, Jack! How did you ever put up with me?!"

"I loved you," Jack muttered, but Daniel went on.

"I'm about as thick-headed and thin-skinned as anyone can be! I'm denser than fog, but, the minute you confront me on anything, I get all hurt-feelings. I..." Daniel whipped around from his pacing at the lakeshore and stared at Jack wide-eyed. "What did you say?" He whispered. Jack couldn't have said what he thought Jack said.

Jack, who had been standing by, letting Daniel vent, shrugged a shoulder and looked down at the ground. "It doesn't matter." Jack started walking away.

Daniel was not about to let this end. Not here. Not now. Taking the several steps necessary to close the distance between them, Daniel practically bowled Jack over, whipping him around and standing toe to toe with the colonel. "It does matter, dammit, Jack! You matter. You've always mattered. I love you, dammit, and you'll just have to deal with that. No matter what happens, where you go, what you do, I'll be right behind you, reminding you how much you matter to me! Got that?!"

Sad brown eyes raised up to look Daniel in his eyes for the first time that morning. Daniel could see that Jack was fighting with himself, wanting to believe Daniel's words, but, afraid of them even more.

Jack raised a shaky hand towards Daniel's face, but dropped it when he could no longer keep eye contact. Daniel closed his own eyes and sighed. Just when he thought he was breaking through to Jack, something would happen and Daniel felt he was losing more ground than gaining. He knew what the problem was, too. Jack's mind wanted to believe what Daniel was saying, but his heart was still bleeding from the wounds Daniel had inflicted and he was very hesitant to believe Daniel's words. Jack had a lot of healing to do, Daniel knew that. And, he was determined to be there every step of the way. He owed it to Jack. He owed it to himself. But, mostly to Jack.

"I meant what I said, Jack," Daniel reiterated, stepping closer to the other man. "You matter. And, if I have to spend the rest of my life proving that to you, I will."

Still looking at the ground between the two of them, Jack said, "I want to belive you, Daniel. But... I can't right now." The shaky voice trembled Daniel's heart. Even now, Jack was afraid of hurting Daniel by not believing him.

However, Daniel understood and whispered, "I know." Jack looked up at Daniel almost challenging him. But, all he found was the truth and acceptance in the blue depth. Tears glimmered over Jack's eyes and glittered his eyelashes, but did not fall.

Jack's adams apple bobbed as he gulped at the knowledge of the truth, and he nodded his head as though affirming the words. "Okay." The word was barely a sound, but Daniel heard. A weight lifted off his chest and he smiled a real smile for the first time in four months.

"So, you want to show me around this mountain of yours?"

Jack returned the smile, though a bit more watery than normal. But, it was an honest attempt at a smile and Daniel was grateful. "Sure."

Daniel looked out at the lake. "How about some fishing? You've been wanting me to go for ages."

Jack groaned as he and Daniel made their way back up to the cabin. "Oh, god. No fishing, Danny. Please!"

Daniel's grin about burst from his face at the familiar and much beloved nickname. Things were going to be all right. He just knew it. It was just going to take a lot of time and healing. Healing he was ready and willing to do... for as long as it took.

Finis!!