If Only 2
All This I Should Have Known
by Jinx
If only I'd tried a little harder
To reach this goal
To reach your soul
If only we'd been a little closer
If only we'd pull together
I'll try to leave behind this sense of wasted time
So much promise we denied
If only I'd let go of my pride
Cast my doubts and fears aside
All this I should have known
All this I should have known
Hold me one more time
Hold me while we dance together
Hold me now our love has gone
We tried to talk to no avail
We knew inside that this had failed
With you
I could never say what lay within my heart
With you
There was always something keeping us apart
With you
I was never really sure
Hold me one more time
Hold me while we dance together
Hold me now our love has gone
We tried to talk to no avail
We knew inside that this had failed
All this I should have known
All this I should have known
I should have known-----Breathe (All That Jazz CD)
I knew damn well why Jack hadn't come over for the past three months. I have no clue as to why I would ask him such a stupid question. I guess I just wanted to talk with him, be with him alone for a few minutes, even if it *was* to ask the most stupid question in all the universe. I do that sometimes. Jack always used to tease me on how clueless I could be at times. Well, not tease, per se, more like silently acknowledge with a roll of his eye or quirk of his lip. Sometimes, well, most of the time, it came out in the famous O'Neill-sarcasm. Oh, who am I kidding, he teases me. It's not as if I don't like it. To me it just means how much he loves me. But, hey, I love the guy right back, right?
...!...
Where did that come from?
Okay, who am I kidding? *Again!* It's not as though that came out of nowhere. It's been there for a better part of two years. Wow. Two years! Who would have thought the colonel and I would have lasted two weeks let alone two years? We had some great times together. Out there, together, searching for Sha'u'ri and Skaara...
Hmm, I guess that explains the problem with Jack and I. Call me a slow learner.
See, there's been a strain between me and Jack since freeing Sha'u'ri. I mean, one minute Jack and I are together, lovers, a couple, however you want to describe us, and the next, Sha'u'ri is back in my arms and we are husband and wife. And, where is Jack? Jack is standing in the background with a small smile, acting as though he hasn't a care in the world, seeming happy that Sha'u'ri and I are together again.
There was just so much to do once I got Sha'u'ri back. She refused to be apart from me, so, we brought her back to earth and General Hammond helped us find a house. Apartment life was no life for a young couple, he said. Funny how the general just so happened to find a house not two blocks from Jack.
SG-1 helped move my belongings into our new house and there I was.... a husband, with his wife back, happily living the American dream.
But, I wasn't.
I was, am, so torn. I love Sha'u'ri, don't get me wrong, but... well... I love Jack, too. Sometimes I think I love him too much, if that's possible.
It's all so strange. I've spent the better part of three years looking for Sha'u'ri, my wife, the one woman in this universe whom I love, and now that I have her back, all I can think of is Jack. I know I've hurt him when I went back to her. But, she's my wife, for crying out loud. I had no choice but to go back with her. Oh, brother! Listen to me! I'm sounding like Jack now.
Jack.
I wonder what he's going to be up to for the next 36 hours we have on stand-down. Maybe I should go over and see what he's up to. You know what they say...? If you can't get Mohammad to the mountain, bring the mountain to Mohammad. Or, something like that.
Daniel pulled the curtains closed and turned to find the telephone. That was one luxury that Sha'u'ri was fast becoming addictied to. She was thrilled whenever they had the opportunity to use it. If Daniel had to make a phone call, she begged to dial and listen to the ring before reluctantly handing it over for Daniel's use. And when it rang...! She just had to answer it, marveling that she was hearing voices from so far away.
Daniel had half of Jack's numbers dialled before Sha'u'ri appeared in the living room.
"Husband. Who are you calling?"
Daniel smiled at his wife. "Jack. I was just going to see what he was up to."
"Did you remember to invite him over. He has not visited for many sun cycles."
Daniel lifted an eyebrow, and Sha'u'ri blushed. "I mean, he has not visited for many... weeks?" Asking if she spoke the correct word. Daniel's smile confirmed she had.
Listening to make sure Jack's phone was ringing, Daniel handed the phone to his wife. "Perhaps you would like to invite him yourself."
Sha'u'ri's face lit up. Any excuse to use the phone. She listened to the ringing, handing it over when no one picked up. "It continues to ring," she said, sounding confused. "The machine does not even answer for him."
Frowning, Daniel took the phone from her and listened. True enough, it was still ringing. //Odd//, he thought. //Jack's machine is always hooked up. On orders from General Hammond, in fact.//
"Perhaps you should check on him," Sha'u'ri suggested.
"Y-eeaah, I think I will. This is so unlike him," Daniel muttered to himself as he gathered his jacket and keys. "I'll be right back." Daniel kissed his wife and left.
The lights were off when I pull into the driveway. The jeep, gone. Well, it's obvious that no one was home, but, that still doesn't explain why the answering machine didn't pick up.
Well, like I thought that would do any good. I banged on the door for several minutes before giving up and checking the roof. The telescope was covered, so he hadn't been up there in awhile. The door was locked and it actually took for me to go for my key ring before I realized that I no longer had a spare key to Jack's house. Yet another slap in Jack's face by your friendly neighborhood archeologist.
I wonder why today of all days I'm going through this self-analyzing, self-depreciating phase. So, what, it took me three months to figure out that I was an ass to Jack? Oooo, way to go, Daniel. Quick on the uptake, aren't you? Damn, I'm sounding a LOT like Jack.
Well, there's really no point in sticking around. I'll see Jack in a few days. Perhaps I can corner him in his office before our next briefing and see how he is.
I practically ran down the corridors to get to Jack's office. Something has been niggling at the back of my mind since I last saw him. There was something... different, strange about him. I just can't put my finger on it and it's frustrating the heck out of me. I hate when I can't get a grasp of what is on the tip of my brain. Jack accuses me of thinking too much. I guess he's right. Sometimes I think so much and so fast that I can't keep up with myself. I tend to get scatter-brained. Yes, I can admit that!
Damn. Jack's not in his office and we have a briefing in...two minutes. Hmm, he's probably already down there. Well, perhaps there will be time to talk to him alone after. Why do I get the feeling that he's avoiding me?
I guess I would be avoiding me, too, under the circumstances. I really screwed up. But, what can I do? I know I hurt him, but, we both knew that when Sha'u'ri came back there would be no choice. You know, sometimes I'd catch a glimpse of him when we're off-world and see a fragment of sadness in his face, but, either he'd catch me and the look would disappear, or I'd just think that I was seeing things. Probably the former. Sometimes I could be a thoughtless ass. I know that. I mean, this all started between Jack and I after Thor's Hammer. When Jack and Teal'c disappeared, I thought they were dead. I could think of nothing other than 'I lost Jack'. And that thought was almost inconceivable to me. Jack was the one person I counted on for all things. He was the one who was going to get Sha'u'ri back for me. He was my warrior, my knight, who could fix everything, and now he was dead. Sam, thank god for her, was having none of it. She was going to find Jack and Teal'c no matter what. Thanks to her, I got my head back together and we went in search of Jack and Teal'c.
Sam and I found them, and suddenly all I could think of was how this 'device' could save Sha'u'ri. Here's the thoughtless ass part....I wasn't even *thinking* of Teal'c until Jack reminded me that if I didn't do something NOW, Teal'c would be condemned in that labyrinth. I was so optimistic on what it could do for Sha'u'ri and Skaara, but then Jack said...how did he word it..."Teal'c is here now"? Something like that. Then he handed me the staff weapon, making me be the one to free Teal'c and kill any chance of saving Sha'u'ri. Damn that was hard, but, he was right. Teal'c is our friend. I could never condemn him, especially after all he's done for us. Jack made me see something that I refused to see... there are others things just as important as saving my wife. He made me realize that my needs are not the only ones in the universe. There would be other ways to free Sha'u'ri. Teal'c was here now.
And Jack was right. I have Sha'u'ri back as proof.
Well, all this thinking has brought me to the briefing room and Jack is nowhere to be found.
Something is going on here. And, I don't think I'm liking this too much.
Sam and Teal'c were at their places at the table as I walked in. I greeted them and inquired about Jack, but, General Hammond entered the room before I was able to finish the sentence. Behind the general was another man, not Jack, and he took the seat next to me. I flashed a frown at Sam and Teal'c, who looked as baffled as I felt. Well, I *think* Teal'c looked baffled. You can't be too sure with him.
Anyway, Hammond sat down and looked us over. He was about to say something that we will hate. I can tell.
"SG-1, I would like you to meet your newest team-member, Colonel Paul Brandt."
"What?!" I yelled, jumping to my feet and slapping my hands on the table. "Where's Jack?" I know I looked down at this Colonel Paul-whatever with contempt, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to know what happened to my Jack and I wanted to know now.
"Dr. Jackson, please," Hammond tried to calm me, but I was having none of it.
"'Please', what? Where's Jack?" I knew I was shaking, but I couldn't help it. In one small sentence, my world had been turned upside-down.
Hammond looked around the table to the other shocked faces and turned back to me. "Colonel O'Neill handed in his resignation after the debrief Saturday morning. I don't know where he is, Dr. Jackson. But, he is no longer with the Stargate program." After staring at me a moment longer, as though defying me to speak up again, he continued, "Colonel Brandt will be your new team leader."
I know the general continued to talk, but what he said, I'll never know. I stopped listening after he said 'resignation'. I know I stood there a moment longer as Hammond talked, but the next thing I knew, I found myself running down the corridor towards Jack's office.
This has got to be a dream. No, a nightmare. Jack's gone? I refused to believe it.
His office was bare when I entered. There is absolutely nothing of Jack here. Not that he had a lot on his desk or anything, but...it's all so bare. I scanned his office, silently begging to find *something* that will tell me where he went, but there was nothing. The only thing I could do is slump in his chair and figure out where it all went wrong.
I don't know how long I was in Jack's office, but the next thing I knew, Sam and Teal'c were standing next to me, looking down at me with concern. Seems I took off in the middle of a briefing. Oops. Oh, who cares?! I sure don't. Jack is gone. What am I going to do?
Sam sat on the edge of the desk and stared at me for a minute.
"You okay?" She asked softly, as though saying it any louder would shatter me. Maybe it would. I don't know yet.
I shrugged. To be honest, I *don't* know if I'm okay. I mean, I don't know if I'm shocked, hurt, angry, what? I just know that Jack is gone and it's my fault. I should have known that something was up. I should have known that he was up to something. I should have known that... aw, hell, I just should have known period. Did I mention that I can be clueless sometimes? Just checking.
I almost replied when it hit me... Jack is gone. I mean, totally gone. Like, not here anymore, that type of gone. Gone as in, I will never see Jack again, gone. Not just the type of gone like he isn't working for SGC anymore and I can always find him at home, gone. He is gone as in... g-o-n-e. Oh geez!
My head hit the table with a loud THWACK!, but I didn't care. I could feel Sam and Teal'c move closer. I knew I was scaring them, but, I couldn't worry about them. All I could think about at that moment was that Jack was gone. I single-handedly drove my best friend away. I continued to bang my head on the table until a large hand stopped me. Teal'c was behind me, holding my head so I didn't dent the table anymore and Sam was crouched in front of me, looking extremely worried.
"Daniel, I'm sorry," she said. It sounded lame. She *knews* it sounded lame, but, what else can she say, right?
I looked up at her, shaking my head. I looked her in the eyes and kind of snorted a reply. "I am so stupid."
"Daniel, don't..."
"NO!" I yelled, jumping up from the chair and disengaging Teal'c in the process. I looked back and forth, from one to the other. "We all know it's my fault." They actually had the grace not to say anything. Because they knew I was right.
See, they've known about Jack and me almost from the beginning. Jack thought it right that they *do* know just in case something happened to either one of us, that sort of thing. Plus, they're our friends. They *should* know. Anyway, after we got Sha'u'ri back, they kind of... I don't know, it wasn't as though they didn't treat me differently or anything per se, more like treated Jack different. They hovered around him more. Stuck closer to him. Flanked him almost constantly on missions. Protected him. It was like they were shielding him by keeping me at a distance. They acted as though...
I glared at them. "You both are calm about this. Did you know?!" My accusation rang through the room. They didn't seem *particularly* surprised at the news that Jack had left. And considering their new relationship with him, i.e. their new found protectiveness, they had to have known!
"No, we didn't," Sam said. Hmm, must have said that last bit out loud. Who cares?!
"But..."
Sam looked at Teal'c before continuing. "We suspected that something like this might happen, at least in the beginning after Sha'u'ri returned. But, it's been three months. We kinda thought that he might have.... you know... gotten over y-- Daniel, we didn't..." She trailed off. I didn't know why. I was too busy looking at Teal'c. He had an almost angry look about him. One that I've never thought to have aimed at me, but, here it was. Out of the two, I knew he was the most protective of Jack. But, he was that way from the beginning, even before he knew of Jack and me. I just put it down to the warrior/military bond the two men shared. But, now, I wonder if it might have been more. At least for Teal'c. But, he didn't seem to *want* Jack. Not like *that*. Not at all. Even now, he just seemed angry that I hurt Jack.
That stopped me cold. That more than anything is the reason we're all here. I turned from Teal'c's penetrating glare and look down at the floor. "Yeah, but I should have," I muttered to no one in particular. I looked up at my two friends. "I should have known." Again, they didn't say anything. I think everything *had* been said.
We stood there, in Jack's office, silence getting to me more than anything. I had to get out. I had to think.
I turned to leave.
"Where are you going?" Sam asked.
I shrugged as I move past Teal'c.
They followed me down the corridor and to the elevator. "What do you want me to tell the general?" Again, I shrugged. My hands were buried deep in my pockets and my shoulders were hunched. I didn't care anymore. "I don't care," I finally said. I had to say something. The elevator came and I got on. Sam held the door open, waiting for my reply.
"Daniel..." "I don't care!"
With one last look, Sam removed her hand, and the doors closed in front of me.
Jack was gone.
Finis?
Next: No Reprieve