My Song

Friendster's blog
Now Playing: I deleted this blog on friendster cuz i just found out that every1 could see'em
Time
A brief blog on my daily life, a blog just to occupy my time. A blog that only tells a slight part of me. Deeper part of me is in a different blog, a side that noone needs to know, the side where life and death comes into place.
Bleed
I miss you. Those eyes, your cheeks, your touch, your hair, your kiss, those times. I treasure all those dream-like moments.
I'm different with different people. Even i, can't take it anymore. I thought i could do this, but my thoughts of doing this cant be done forever. My feelings must be concealed from people. I'm starting to think that typing out this blog isn't a good idea. I decided to do it the 'old' way of venting what ever that's in your mind. I'm feeling crap, but i've felt worst.
I keep secrets. There are many part of my life that certain people weren't supposed to know, things that i dont want to talk and think about, things that affects me so bad that i'm totally ashamed of, things taht i dont wish to talk about with friends, things that i'd rather keep it to myself.. But because of my mistake, they found out. I can't help people knowing what's going on with me.
And only now i found out that the link to this blog is just a click away from my friendster's profile. And my other blogs are just a search engine away. I felt worst than ever when i came into this realisation.
"Happiness outside my heart means alot to me, wherears happiness of my own, just displeasures me.
Because my happiness just displeasures my loved ones, i dont believe happiness exist in my soul, nomore."
Life , death, i hope i wont reach that level, as i'm already on my way there.
I hope this is the end of this blog.
I amuse myself, having this ability is the only thing that's keeping me alive. Once i've lost till, my life will go as well.
I'll update it sometimes when im feeling bored. Or when i feel there's a need to.
I miss you, alot, my wishes for you to be by my side again are the same as my wishes for you to live a happy life, and continue being happy even when my heart stops beating- if things get so bad.
Your presence will always be with me, i cant stop thinking of you.
I dont go to the roof top anymore, i dont see you anymore, as you were never there. Where did you go? I'm still curious of you, i guess we have something in common, rooftop, and the moon is our best friend. Goodbye.
"I deleted your frienster messege you've sent to me, i dont intend to reply it. But i hope we stil can be friends. You know my heart wont be with you, if we're together. I like you alot, but i just want us to be friends, my heart is way too unstable for another relationship. But then again, i dont think you would read this blog of mine. Hope to see you soon.
Untill then, goodbye.
May 01, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)
Crossed
This blog of mine, ends here. Unless i have a 'happy' entry, i wont update this blog. This past few weeks has been really depressing for me. Sun goes up, i smile-when im out of my locked room door with the loud music, sun goes down, everything's terrible, same goes during daylight when im in my room. Actually, it's all the time. Im a good actor huh? guess so.
Dreams of you are haunting me every single night, that's the only time when i can be with you.
I've lost the couple's ring at sculpture park today, ive searched the whole park for more than 2 hours, but still couldnt find it. Blank- my heart. I dont know what to feel anymore. The only thing that makes me feel that her presense is with me- gone. I feet hopeless.
Behind your dark glasses , you're something else.
"I miss her"
"..."
"hey"
"yah?"
"*kiss*"
" What the hell are you doing?"
"im sorry, i, sorry."
"You know i still love her"
"im sorry"
"Im sorry, i have to go home now"
Just like we agreed, it was only a kiss. Nothing more.
I will never forgive you for what you did to me. It hurts inside alot, when you know that my heart belongs to her and you still...
Chaotic, it hurts like a razor stucked in your heart.
Playing with this Razor in this Lonely bathtub,
my eye lids Kissed the lower romatically.
As i Inhaled the liquid mixtures of my Blood,
I left behind my sorrowed Corps, without a Note.
- From the nightmare of pleasure, i had.
Please dont end you life, Sierra, you are basicly the only one who prevents me from thinking every night, even though we're on the opposite side of the earth. Hope to see you someday, in person. And you know Geo loves you alot. He has the same love for you as i feel for Ice.
So long, and goodbye, this is my last post. There are more in my mind, but these are a few that i cant stop thiking about. It eats up bits of me everynight, inside-out. Everyday things that happens to me with friends, family, i shall not post anywhere anymore. I've done enough damage.
April 30, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)
April 30, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)
Icy Frustation
I miss you, my heart never fails to sink whenever i think of you.
"I don't feel right when you're gone away"

I'm my chest is still feeling the shock of the icy water that the religious psychic healer poured on me. It was supposed to make me feel better. Im feeling the affect now, im starting to talk to friends and all, but it didn't prevent me from cutting, but instead, im one step closer to cut me loose from this world.
I'm not going to touch another death-sticks after my 3rd.
I wont be going on the rooftop today, my head hurts, and i feel dizzy. Dont know what they did to me, but it's taking affect, the last thing i wanna do is to move like a normal person.
I dont know how am i going to start over a school life. I'm feeling rather freaky and frustated, It's like, i can't feel what i'm supposed to feel. It's just like, my emotions are fake now, it's freaking frustating and i can't take this.
April 14, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)
Cries
" I've never regret loving you, you're the best and the purest of heart. Im lucky to be at least with you and to be loved by you, i wish i could repay your kindness, but it's imposible, the best thing that could ever happen to me now is to see you happy and to see you sweet sweet smile that never fails to make my heart skip a beat. Although i wish that you'll be back with me so badly, i dont want to cause any trouble in your life anymore, for i love you, i care about you.


Thanks for ruining our friendship Mrs.Bean, i dont think we should even talk anymore, now that you've made Ice think that im like being this because of my deeds now.
"Hey, aren't you that guy who jumps around in the street and sits on the rooftop every night?"
"Errr, you've seen me?"
"Yeah, almost every night, i always see you running to a carpark, and then appear on the rooftop."
"You go out every night?"
"No, i saw you from my room, through the window."
"Well,err, that's me."
"Nice knowing you, see you around."
"Good to know you too, see you around."
My days without her just keeps on getting weirder and weirder.

I still love you Ice, i can't stop thinking of you every second, and what you said to me through msn, just makes me want to get out from your life, i dont want to hurt you anymore. I hope i still get to see you.I miss you, and i love you.
You weren't on the rooftop again today, i did sit-ups while tearing, i dont know what to do with my life anymore.
As days pass by, i see nothing besides the darkening sky,
As days passs by, more red lines are drawn on my left wrist,
As days pass by, i became more fonder of you,
As days pass by, i wish i have the strength to die, to end all of this.
The sky's gettin brighter, i'd better get my rest.
April 13, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)
Another Day
The both of you live so far apart from each other, but you guys are so damn close at heart.
Why did you freaked when you walked passed me, you seemed like you've seen a ghost, im just a stranger walking in park, is that something wrong? You made me feel like a wanted criminal of some kind when you ran away after giving me that look, it freaked me out.I felt so stupid when you ran away for no reason, i didn't even say Hi or anything.
I guess my existance freaks people out, im better off dead.
You weren't there last night, i stared at the sky laying at the same place and thinking of Ice. Like always, i miss her.
Bought myself a blade again, lost mine, it's all sweet.
My dreams are being 2 years delayed, i cant wait to live with you guys, Geo and Sierra.
What's up with singaporeans nowadays, haven't they seen a boy walking alone by himself before?

This i scream;
"Come back to me
I was born in love with thee
So why should fate stand in between?"
There's way more to say, but i'll spit all of that in my other blog. This one is just to occupy my time.
April 12, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)
1st entry
Memories, those were the times when my smiles were truely real. i miss you.
I never would've thought to see you out of control, still ain't got a clue on who you truely are.
Despite eating too much, i still move the same, and all i hope for, is to see you on the rooftop where you'll be everynight, and to see you disappear when you notice me watching you, and also to know where did you learn how to move like that.Hopefully, you'll teach me, someday.
Dreams of living with two other mentally-ill teenagers, it will come true, as soon as i get a job.
I think i crippled my whole left shoulder after landing hard on concrete after doing a panicked dive roll over a railing while running away from the 5.0's last night. It hurts badly now and i cant apply preassure on it.

My existance wont trouble you anymore, Ice. I hope you're happy with friends and family, that's the one thing i wish the most.
April 11, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)

Now Playing: typo error
ok my english isnt good at all, i talk properly, but sometimes, i type extra things from my mind. lie;
you, ill type , you'll,
make, ill type makes.

so yah, dont mind my english typing, it sucks, cuz im just typing continuealy what's in my mind, i hate life. aights then, im off to stare at her picture again.

Suicide note

Dear Friends;

Mostly, this note is to that devious cunt Crazy4Clay69 who I thought was my best friend, and who definitely won't be reading this because that nasty twat committed suicide. Good riddance bitch.

Ever since we became online friends, I was constantly posting to reassure that neurotic snatch about our friendship. How much did I need her?--"More than anything.", Would I do anything for her? "Absolutely.", and then that psychotic skank set me up and fucked me over by asking what I'd do if she died. Unthinkingly, I posted "I'd kill myself". To which she replied, "Rely?". To which I replied, "yes really;)". To which she replied, "I meant to type, 'Really?'" To which I replied, "I know what you meant, silly<8)". To which she replied "Really?" To which I replied "Really what?--did I know you meant 'Really?' when you typed 'Rely?' Or did I really mean I'd kill myself?" To which she tried to reply, but the thread was too long and we had to start a new post.

I finally convinced Crazy4Clay69 that I would indeed kill myself if she died. What the fuck were you thinking Nc? You spend your whole life trying not to die in a jihad or as a religious sacrifice and then you piss it all away by casually agreeing to an online suicide pact. God damn it.

Sure, I could clear out my temporary files, stop accepting cookies, sign up for a new journal and leave my old online world behind. But anyone who has spent even 2 minutes reading my blog knows that's not what I am about. I live up to my responsibilities, even when they technically aren't my doing (see my "Errrr!!!!! Blockbuster Late Fees" entry on September 6). So, to all of you who have enjoyed my journal, I must say thank you, good-bye, and be sure to sign my guestbook.

God I hate that cunt,


Nc

P.S. All those gay pornos aren't mine. They're a friend's. And I was superimposed.

----------------------------------------------------

i got this suicide note from a site, but i aint gonna kill myself though, just for fun, infact, im doing this to prevent myself from stepping offa ledge, it's kinda reverse psychology thingie. well, i went to school today. I still cant hide my feelings, every1 sees it, and khafifa cuts too, she's gonna be a work of art soon. Miss.Goh noticed me and called me out, she talked to me, i asked her about homeschooling, and she asked me to meet mr.tan after school. and that fag, really put me down on homeschooling, i hate life, after i heard him say taht, i became even more hopeless. i swear , if i ever go to normal nx year, i wont go to school ever. Thoughts about her is still in my mind, i love her, i didnt see her in school today. i didnt want to, cuz i know i would burst out and i wouldnt able to hide my feelings anymore, my mother toungue teacher asked me if i had relationship problems, i ied to her pretty good. i came home and khafifa came to my house, watched some black metal music, and she got horny and then we watched porn, it sucks, i hate mylife, i dont think i would be able to go to school tmr. Im supposd to meet up with clement and chimp to the beach tmr, dont know if ill be goin, but what the hack. I miss her as always. i stared at her pic every single night, and my dream last night was about her having long hair again. it's the second time im having that draem. i dont know why, i hoepit doesnt mean anything. i really want her back. i jsut watch the Oc, they moved on and found a new some1, then i thought, would i better off witha a new some1? and i said nah, it's imposible, my feelings for feli is stil strong, i might admirer some1 but i wouldnt notice them even when their in front of me. It 's hard to explain, it's like, after abi broke up with me, my interest for girls are jsut gone, but i just miss and love her like never before. ivee lsot her, i dont know what to do now, i think the best thing that i could do is to change schol, as long im in this school, i cant be my self anymore, for god sakes, im wearing the unifrom that SHE bought for me, i love her. I guess if you love some1 , you'll jsut have to let her go huh, it's damn hard, i cant let her go, but she's gone, i hope she comes back to me, i love her, and as im typing now, tears are in my eyes, i love her.
the biggest accomplishment i made so far is hode my feleings, i hid everything from every1, i smile and laugh at jokes, but what ppl dont know is, i tear like fuck every night, about my life, about her, about my studies, i just feel so helpless and hopelss. miss goh told me that she's afraid that i might hurt some1 in school, and even worst, hurt myself, she made me promise that i wouldnt hurt any1, not even my self. but i promised that i only wouldnt hurt any1- that is if i can control my feelings. Im doing this meditation crap thingie thing now, five minutes everyday, it helps alot, because i must breath out through my mouth with my tongue up,, it has o be 7 seconds, and i have to breath in for 7 seconds, and i ,mucst think of happy thought-memories of her and me together, those happy time, god i miss her.

if god really listen to me and ansewr my prayers, he would put feli and me together, with her parents apporval, but i guess it's imposible huh, because, maybe she'sfated to get a good life, and to find some1 with a good life too, some1 who isnt like me. and maybe i should feel this way, so that i wouldnt hurt others in the future again, so that i wouldnt be in a relationship with any1 anymore, and i also think that god made me this way, very dark and akk, curly hair with bony legs and hand, to prevent girl from havcing their eys on me, so that i wouldnt hurt, them, so that they wouldnt gfet hurt, cuz, im sucha bitch, i hurt every1 i know, im a lzy ass, im not smart, i rebel, i cut, my braeth stinks of cigarette- i dont smoke anymore. my life stinks, i miss her, i truely miss her, i love you feli, and i hope you'll do too.

What a dream
Now Playing: weird..
I hafd the most weirdest dream ever, well, second weirdest dream. ill tell the part which i can remember.
i was in a plane, i ran away or somethin, my father was the pilot(he's a bus briver in real life), with alot of turns and all, i arrived at an airport in the night, i dont quite know what happen next, but sudenly my family member were there, and it was daylight.
It was all so weird, and then, feli was kidnapped or sometihng, i dont know. Feli's father had alot of money or somethin. we all started to pannick and went around the neighbourhood to find her, ok , iremember the following part clearly.
my uncle received a call sasying that there will be a supersonic sound giong around that area, and only soemcan hear it. then i heard a roud screaching noise in my ears, i grab my skateboard, with was fallen apart somehow, the bolts and the screw fell in the drain. thhen, as went to walk to feli's father car. it was on fire and didnt have and roof, feli father was laying on the ground with scars on his lfet wrist, he said that there's an explosion, then we headed to a house, and every 1 took precautions, the door was wired with an explosive deivce, everywhere was, i was just so damn eager to find feli and i told every1 to get out. i coulndt rerember wheat happened next.
we ended up in a park, some strange thingie. then, feli's father and i made an agreement, that i could be with feli and kiss in front of him, he seemed pretty happy about that, feli was tied in the weird icy blue grave yard or somthin, i was with the father not far from her, she was intied by some guards that appeared from nowhere and she ran straight to me.
this was the sweetest thing and made me cry inside my dream, she gave me a kiss in the lips, we kissed, i almost felt like it was real, i love her damn so muich, i cudled her, and then her father joked, wheres my kiss, we all laughed and i pushed feli to the father, asking her to kiss him. it was all heart warmng, it felt like ive found feli and she' mine to keep forever, i miss and love her. god, it's been mroe than a months now and im still dreaming of her every single day. i miss her, how i wish she woud come bac k to me in real life, i miss her kiss.

ohyah, and there's a bathroom part,something about i was about to take a public shower and all, and many ppl were in it, so i had to wait before i took my bath.
and feli, oh god, i love her.

Now Playing: ...
It's been a long time since i updated this blog, i didint have the mood, always crying at night, always feeling shit, i've cut myself a couple of times now, met up with angela, she gave me lectures, i've ditched kat and im glad that she's into her own life. Im glad feli is also into her own life. i've made her life miserable in school now, ppl are going ard saying that she made me dont want to come to school. i dont knw how ppl knew about it, but what she told me on the friendster msg, really affeted me. It's like, even after being together, i still screw her life up.
i cant take the pain nomore, i cut myself and my mom kept on throwing away my penknifes, im addicted it it now, i cut when iever i feel depressed and frustated. The pain just makes me weak, and full of pleasure, it's hard to explain, but im actually love ing it now, my left arm has many scars on it, i cant wait to get another blade . the pain jsut turns me on.
I tried being happy, i tried going out and calling clement to come over and trick and pk, it helped me. but i felt the emptiness in me the whole timel, i felt that that nothing in my chst, behind me ribcage. The feeling sucks, i feeel so damn empty, i bought myself a necklace, it's the picture, i still wear our
couples ring around my neck, i guess that's the only strenght i have now, i love her. She didnt even come online on the 17th of april. i went up to the rooftop
on that day, recalling every single tihng that we did. god, it was so damn real that i saw myself and her holding hands, my eyes were all watery, her kitchen window was closed, i couldnt see her. god i miss her.
ihavent been in school for about a monthnow, i couldnt, it'll make me feel crap like the 1sst few times. i might sjut kill myself someday. god, i need the blade. So far i've made clement think that im ok, and he's starting to talk to me like the way we talk before, only angela, angela knows about how im feeling, she's nice, i appreciate having a friend like her.she's done a big part in me, i think of her sometimes, she can smile and have fun after all the crap she've been through, she gave me a lil streght, i love her, and at the same time, im always trying to avoid talking about this things and all with her, but somehow, i couldnt.
good please help me, please give me the streght.
i decidede to change school, to compassvalle, to start a life in a new environment, to fake my smiles and to feel confident of it as no one knows what im truely feeling, to leave feli alone, god, i love her so damn mcuh.
i cant sleep, i see her when my eyes are closed, i dream of her, i lvoe her. and why am i crying now, i dont know, im reading this book on a female vampirer,
just on page 18. i cant seem to even concentrate at all, i cant seem to do anythin right.
My uncle gave me a lecture, i hated it, and my mom brought me to a religious healer, i ran away in the middle of it, went home. came back a few days later, and he bathed me this icy cold water, it gave me a sudden shock in my body, i couldnt feel anything after that, my mind was dead clear, and i was feeling weird. then at night, i started to cry again, depressed like nvr before, and frustated for i dont have a blade to run over my hand again. i hate all this crap going on with me now, wish im dead, god please kill me, kill me, im begging you.
i was supposed to go to hawaii and stay there as a immigrant on september, i know it sounds crap, but i was dead determined for it, asked my father to settle passposrt and all, went to look for a job. I felt that there's a little hope in me, but whne Geo said that it'll be delayed for 2 years, my heart broke back into pieces again, im done for in singapore, i dont have a life, i dont do well in studies, i love her. i hate myslef , i hate everyhting here, i hate myself, it's 6am now, dont think im going to school, im off to get some rest, my eyes are tired and sore, aights then

Now Playing: ..
it's been many days and i still havent got a chance to look at her, i miss her, and im still crying every night for her, i miss her so damn badly, she's the only 1 who can and will make me happy, i love her, and im starting to think that i cant get over her,kat read through my blog, and i dont have any idea how clement knew my smiles were fake, now the whole team knows , now that i cannot face them anymore, as they know that im hiding all my crap, i hate myself even more now, i didnt mean to hurt kat, i really dont know what to do with my life now, im jsut freaking too craped now, i like poetry, i hae an acount on deviantart.com,, i slached my arm, it hurts, but its less pain than the pain in my heart, i've just decided on something, i decided not to talk seriously with any1, not to ttalk about life with azrii, not to talk about love with kat, not to talk about anything with any1, i just wanna stop spitting out what's in my mind, i feel too hopeless to even type this out, it explains why i havent update this blog for quite some time now, i feel hopeless, i dont want to screw her life up, or any1, i cant tak ethis, im out and off to have a walk outside, nights

Now Playing: ...
i swear my mom added something to the water in the fridge, and i feel strange, i felt that ive lost feelings, i feel damn lost now, i dont know what im feeling, like, i forgot how to feel somethin, i cant take this feeling, it makes me feel shit even more, i cant take this pain, i dont know what to do, im lost, i cant take life,,,not only ive lost her, ive lost everything, i swear they're gonna regret budgin in my life like that, i hate them, i hate them all, my mom went to some kind of witch doctor, i knew it, i heard them talking over at my aunt's place, then they added somethin in my drink, i shouldve known,,,now that i feel lost, i hate this kinda of feeling,fuck they all, i hate myself, i need physical pain now, i hate them, i hate my life, i love her, i dont know, i hate my self, every single bit of it, today's our 6th month aniversary, or maybe not, it ended at our 5th month, and i wated it to last like forever, im hopeless, it's all gone, i hate myself,
im off

Now Playing: ...
if you read thw whole blog through, ull see my life's nothing but ful of shit, now that there's nomore team, there's nomore her, speaking of her, i even made her mom cry, she told me taht her bro told her about not gettin in to relationship at all, ever since she turned 13, that's why she feel crap being in this relation,,,my life's nothing but trouble,,,,,,,icant take emotional pain anymore, i cant take life anymore,nothing can distract me, nothing can make me stop thinkin of my life anymore, but, pain, cut myself, and all of those stupid shit is the only thing that can make me stop thinkin of all those shit, my head hurts, and i puked jsut now, she hates me, i love her, i dont want her to trouble her live anymore, i hate my self, i hate the way i am now, i hate all the things that i ever did to every1, i cant take life nomore, she asked me to go to school when school reopens next weak, i try, but the only thing i wish damn hard now is for god to end my life or just give me guts to end my lifemyself , ,,,, i hate my life, i hate everything about me, i hate life I HATE MY LIFE,,why was i even borned in this world, i dontknow, i love her, i love kat, i love the team, they're the only 1s that i care most about, especially her, but instead of making then happy, i made her life miserable, i made kat life harder, i disapoint my team, and every1 in my life, every1 hates me, i dont blame them, even i hate myself, maybe ending mylife is a good thing afterall, maybe i should parkour, and fall on my hate at my own will, and just end my life, so that every1 else will be sad for a while, and carry on their life soon later, i dont know, i jsut wish something really good happens to me now, ending my life is the best thing, FUCK YOU SHERMAIN!!AND FUCK THE REST OF MY FAMILY!!!FUCKING DRINK, DO YALL ACTUALLY THINK THAT PUTTIN SOMEKIND OF HOLY WATER IN MY DRINK WILL ACTUALLY MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?!!!FUCK YALL!!!IT JUST SCREWED ME UP EVEN MORE, THNKS ALOT!! U FUCKING DICKHEADS!!,
im jsut fed up with my life, i dont want to make others hell anymore, im gonna try not to kill myself, i just cant take this pain anymore,my life's a bitch,
i am a bitch, and i dont love my screwed life, i hate myself, i wish myself good luck in everything i do, in screwing others up, life's fucked up.
i dont deserve to live,,,, the only thing that'll make me conferm that ill kill myself is when im expelled from school, i hate myself,,,im gonna try to
rest my head, WTF!! I PUKED!! WHY THE HELL WOULD I PUKE?!!I GUESS I ATE TOO MUCH COOKIES, IM A FAGmy head feels like something squeezing it, i want to be left alone, switched off myphone, i dont think comin on msn again is a good idea,,
i wish for rain, i need rain, i want to be in the reain, so taht no1 knows that im crying, im scarrred and scared, im scared that my determination would end my life. no1 cares anymore,,and my head hurts.

Now Playing: ...
life's a bitch, the only thing im hoping for is to meet up with her, and to see her, and to have my last look at her, then ill be screwed, if i ever get to kiss her again, ill be happy, if i ever get to hold her again, ill know that ive got home, but, i know that im screwed if i dont feel the love in return, she wont love me, and will nvr love me, and if i sense that, then i dont want to be in her life anymore, i dont want anybody to be in my life, i dont want to have a life, i wanna end it, i dont know, i hate myself, i truely do, im off to blow my nose and hoping that i would kill myself somehow.

Now Playing: ...
thoughts of suiccide's in my mind now, ive bundled up all the reasons, while walking home slowly like a dead zombie after meeting kat, almost got hit by a bus, fucking driver, i have all the reasons to end my life, i hope this is out of depression again, as usual, ive just fucked clement, spit him right in the face on msn,
i am mean afterall, i dont know, i hate myself, im gonna resy my head now, and i hope she doesnt think of me at all because i might just do what's in my mind, matter of time.

Now Playing: ...
am i just stupid, or am i just hopeless?i dont know, i didnt update this blog for such a long time, because i was too depressed, y am i feeling so damn depressed every single day? kat stayed over at my place on sunday, i had,and i mean i HAD to pretend, like nothing's bothering me, and that kat just had to go on about rey and abi, that jsut made me feel even more hopeless, i can think all of that for myself, but i just had to talk along, cuz that's the me last time right? easy to talk to and easy to make fun of, i dont care, we were supposed to meet today at 12, thnks to kat. but abi couldnt make it, her mom's sick and i jsut called her, she's having tuition now, kat was still at home, i lsot my mood, i was all down, and then kat and val met up, i went back home, trying so damn hard to stop my tears from falling, the thing that made me most hopeless is, studies, i mean, i dont know where to start, where should i start? i dont know, and when i tell ppl i want to study, they were sarcastic in a way, i dont know, i didnt make it to vespers, they screwed up in the competition, azrii scolded me, that jsut made me lost all freaking motivation, i started eating like a pig again, and totally lost the motivation to work out, to at least be light, AND THAT STUPID SHERMAIN!!aarhhh, i dont want to even talk about her in my blog, i hate her, with all my life.
i jsut need to know somethin, i jsut need to be sure of somtihn, i need to know how feli feels, im jsut totally confused, if she still loves me, ill try veery hard to chagne fer her, if she dont ,i dont know, ill probably keep myself from being social, i cant act the way i used to, i cant hang out with frineds, i lost my team's trust, i totally lost it, school's crap, im crapped, i dont know what to do with my life anymore, nothing to look forward to, nothing to smile to, the only thing and the only source is her, i want her, i want her to love me, but at the saem time ,i dont want her to love such a screwed guy like me, i want her to be happy with me, but she nvr did, i hate myself, i totally hate myself, jsut a matter of time, oh man, im starting to want physical pain, it's way more better, i cant take this anymore, at least when im hurt physically, ill stop thinking of all those shit, my mind will naturally stop, i dont know, sudenly angela came up to my mind, i dont know htf she can act normally, i guess every1 have their bad times, and for me, it's almost a month now, im broke, i dont have any money, i dont feel good of myself, and there's nothing to look forward to, my skills are no match with others,i rot, i rot alot, there's nothing good about me, where ever i go, ppl look at me, i dont know why, it's like, i dont belong to this world or something like that, i dont know, mouth ulcer is a pain in the ass, i really hate my life, i hope it gets better, but, i know, everytime when something gets better, there's surely a worst, i miss her ,i miss her alot, alot alot, alot, i guess she's occupied most of the time, having a perfact family, and all , i dont know , smoking sux, i hate the breath i have now, i hate smoking, it doesnt help, i hate my life, guitar is just a distraction, photography is a distraction too, i dont know what to do with my life, every single day, every single morning, i wake up, knowing that she have her own life to live, and i have mine, wait, i have none, i dont have any life, just like what all my family member told me, they say im screwed, they made fun of me, totally they did, why am i doing this to myself, it's just like im hoping for somthing knowing that ill nvr get it, and im still hoping, and still knowing that ill nvr get it, i hate myself, my coach told me that i do things halfway, and only talk, but nvr did complete what i started, that just made me confermed that ima poseur, almost every1 told me that, ima jack of all rabbits master of none, every1 told me that, even my cousin, they laugh at me, every1 laughs at me, my fear, my anger, my frustation , are all laughed at, i dont know what to do with my life anymore, if im expeled from school, im just gonna end my life, i dont know, i guess i deserve to be in hell, beinga muslim, i did alot of scenes, rebel againts almost all elderly, touched the girl i love so very much , wAS EXPOSED TO PORN, killed a bird when i was young, hit my father, hurt others, that made me conferm that my next stop is hell, might as well i be in hell than suffer more shit on earth , then be in hell, i dont know , life isnt sweet anymore, everything's screwed, she's the last hope i have, and if she said that we are over one more time, im confermed, im confermed that im totally screwed, no1 cares, why should i trouble them
arrghhh, i think im jsut gonna have a walk or something, i dotn know im tearing like one shit now, there's more to say, but , wtf, no1 reads them, i dont want others to read this blog, cuz it's my problems, but im glad that they read it for entertainment, cuz at least i know that my sorrow pleased them, they like it, and i have something to live for,
AHH WTF, IM GONE, SEE YA

Now Playing: i love her
everything in my mind now is rhymin, i dont know why, is this world ending?
i miss her,,i miss her so damn bloody much,,i love her,,i felt like an ass,,,after reading whole lotsa poem and lookig at pictures,,,,i dont know why,,,
why didnt she even call me?,,why didnt she even msg me?
doest she care?,,she dont care,,,no1 cares, i dont care,ill always love her,,and she'll alwaays be in my heart,,,ive lost her love,,and she've torn me apart,,,she doesnt even care,,,cuz if she does,,she would at least find the time to call me,,ive lost her love,,the love ive always wanted,,,i dreamt this morning,,,the dream was scary,,,this poem i wrote to her,,,i think it'll explain it all,,nights

everynight, everyday,
i think of you and i just want to say,
that i dream of you, every single day, and yesterday,
was the dream i had, i could never forget, anyway.
i'll nvr stop loving you,i will never may.
in the dream, you were there,
holding on to someone's hand,
and following him everywhere,
i was there,looking at you,
feeling sad, it's just like a nightmare.
This girl came up to me, asking me why
i was all down, then she brought me up a rooftop,
under the beautiful night sky, very high, from the ground.
It reminds me of the times,
where we kissed, we hugged, weloved,
i was yours, you were mine,
you are my only beloved.
She came close, and tried to kiss me,
you were in my mind, i swear, please believe me,
before her lips,could touch me,
i pushed her over, she fell, down to the ground,
in front of me.
i was scared, i was confused, what have i done?
someone please tell me.
I just want you , by myside, definately.
i came down, where you were, you were all happy,
the girl i love, the girl whom calls herself,
Feli.
Feli, Feli, Feli,please tell me,
your true feelings, everything, completely,
im trying to start over in everything, for my love,
abi.
i will always love you, and i hope ,you could see,
my absents,from school, from everywhere, is just for me,
to think this through, to be the person,
i used to be,
im not a poet, but i am inspired,
and i'll never be tired
of you, always being,
my heart's pirate.

i tried to be as normal, be myself again at home, with friends, irritate my mom,,joke around with all of them, but nothing will ever be right, no matter what i do,,no matter what i try,,i cant take life anymore, i wanted to go to sch today,,but i wanted to hand in the poem i made,,but when edited it usin my bro's old comp,,it cant be transfered to a floppy disc,,,i just lost hope in everything,,,,,,i hate myself,,,my mom shouted that he'll cut off the internet,,,i just gave up hope, ijsut lay on my bed and feel hopeless,,internet is one of the only things that'll keep me alive,,,i miss her,,i dont know why,,but now i know that she's unfortunate to get sucha hopeless and all the negative stuff, boy. i know that she regreted now, to have a boyfriend that hates himself,,,i lov eher,,,,but i dont think im worth her love,,neither the love from anyone else,,,i cant help myself,,i cant pickup,,,ive lost hope,,,my life's in chaos,,,the team doesnt trust me,,,im just useless,,,im many steps closer to die now,,,i just dont want to do it,,,im scared,,im scared of what will happen to me,,im not afraid to leave earth,,but i dont know wat will happen to me,,,i hope ill die out of accident or somthing,,for the sake of every1 else,,,,for the sake of her,,,,,i love her,,,and ive lost her love,,,,she dont feel for me,,,she dont want to care about me,,,but now she have to,,cuz she got into this,,i dont want her to feel that wayy,,,,i just hope that she doesnt care,,i jsut hope that no1 cares,,cuz it'll make my life easier to end,,,it'll make it way wa way more easier,,,every1's making me feel so useless,, i guess i am useless arent i,,,i cant be helped,,,,no1 can help me,,,i hate being 16,,,and im jsut 16,,,,i hate life,,i hate every1 else,,but i love her,,,,and i hope,,she would wont even bother looking at me,,,so that it'll make it way way way mroe easier,,i hope im jsut typing,,i pray to god hoping that ill be strong,,im out now,,tearing like shiiiiiiit,,,,cant be helped,,,i hate my life

Meaningless
Now Playing: i wrote it the whole night, for my lit work, it's crappy
Holding on to this pen, rhyming out my heart,
the life that i've spent, is never is beautiful art,
everyday is then, every tomorrow is hard,
waitin for this sharp pen, to end my souless heart.
It's 4am in the morning, and im sitting in this park,
leaning againts this tree, and just looking up,
trying to figure the good part of me,
but i cant, i give up,
what i am to be?
Cant figure out, i gave up.
Everywhere i go, everything i do,
every smile i give, and every joke i crack,
it's for everyone of you,im just glad,
noone knows the real me, and all those things, i felt.
I can't describe me, it's imposible, i dont know why,
im not what everyone think i am, it's all a big lie,
it's my life, and ill nvr be good enough.
For everyone, i'd rather die.
After all that i've been thru, i just can't deny,
that my life is nothing but trouble, to everyone that i rely.
I rhyme, i rhyme, i rhyme, and i ryhme,
i dont know why, i'm spending all these time
being screwed, in school, in this life, of mine.
I tried, i tried, i tried, and i tried,
but nothing seems to be right, even after this long fight.
There's no more hope, i can't see any light,
i'll just end my life,i hope not, i just might.
I dont even know myself, how can others know me?
All those people who gave me advices,
has a total different mentality.
I wish i could be them, so simple, yet so happy,
i cant rhyme anymore, i hope this is not me.
I hope this is all out of depression,hopefully,
but how can this be?
It's been 5 years, that's all i could say, and see.
Im going to end this rhyme, hoping that this will
at least be, something than nothing, and truthfully,
my life is nothing, but something that no one will ever know,
or see.
This is what i can think of, for now,
myself, mylife, and the confused,
little old,
me.

Now Playing: pictures,the only thing that will understand how i feel
this is how im feeling the every single day,,,and being in school just makes me wanna really do it,,physical pain is better than emotional pain,,its not worth it,,,,i cant take life nomore,,,i watched this video called ' how do you know when a relationship is over' one of them is, she's nvr there, i dont know,,i love her,,she nvr come online today,,,and i dont know what to think nomore,,,,pictures really can tell one's feeling,,and looked through deviant art.com and look at everything,,just feeling emotional looking at it,,,it's like,,pictures really understand how i feel,,this pic is from deviant,,i cant stop thikin of her,,,and im off making coffie again,,

Now Playing: fishily lazily fish
WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!!!i wanted to go to sch today,,but in the morning,,i didnt wake up!!!im sucha fished up lazy ass fish,,,,i dont know,,i really wanted to see her in school,,but when i woke up in the morning,,i just felt,,i just thought of what all the teachers would say and all the troubles i would get it,,,and i was afraid taht i would run out of school jsut like taht or somethin,,,,owwel,,tmr then,,im in big shit,,the best thing i could do is to finnish up me poem,,,,i ove her,,iwanted so much to see her in sch,,but i gave in to my laziness,,,,i deserve to die,,,i hope god take my life away,,,hayahs,,,feeling like shit everyday,,,,and im glad no 1 knows it,,especially her,,,it's all in me,,,and this blog only tells part of it,,,i dont want her to know what's going on in my mind besides loving her,,,cuz if i did tell her,,i would make her fel crap just like the way i used to,,,i dont know what to say anymroe,,,well,,outs then

Now Playing: GAYS,,,, AND I LOVE HER!!
CLEMENT GOT HIT ON BY A GAY!!!!!!!!!!i feel pitty for you man, and i thik you look beautiful too,,hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha,,,,
owwel,,
and i still miss her as usual,,,,i lov eher,,haiyahs,,talkin to kat now,,see you!!

Now Playing: her her her her her her her her her her her her her her her her her
10 30 pm,,and i stayed on bed the whole day,staring at the ceilong,,thinking of her,,,i just love her so much,,,and even if it hurts so bad,,taht she nvr call and all,,i dont mind,,,i just want her to be happy,,i kept on telling myself to do my own things,,i wanted to go to the library today,,but just had no mooood,,i want her,,i love her,,,and if i ever get to hold her and just look into her face,,,ill be the most happiest person alive,,,she've changed,,there's something about her that just glows,,i dont know,,but she changed alot,,,i want her,,,i love her,,,and i dont want to hurt any1 else in my life,,,or at least ill try not to,,,,for now,,i dont know what to say,,,everything i do,,is just a distraction,,,i love her so damn much,,she left me,,and then patch up again,,but why did she patch up?i think it's because of me,,it's because i havent been going to school, and she thinks that she screwed my life up,,,she didnt,,com to think of it,,she gave me happiness,,,,before i met her,,ive been slacking in my stuides,,,then when i met her,,i wa s motivated to do well,,,but now,,life isnt for me anymore,if i lost her,,and kat,,and the team,,,there's no point living,,maybe i would run away,,,onec i reach 18,,i dont know,,it's jsut like,,i dont want to cause any burden to any1 anmore in my life,,,too many plans,,,i wanna start my life from scratch again,,,when i grow up,,,2 yrs from now,,i cant wait,,,i simply cant wait,,if my life's screwed now,,then i think ill know what to do when i grow up,,at least when i reach 18,,,,,,let the time come,,i jsut wish that there will still be 'us',,,,,cause,,i dont want t o continue this relationship if she's not happy,,even though it'll hurt me,,,i dont care,,,as long it doesnt hurt you,,i love her,,and i would NEVER EVER EVER EVER say or do anything to hurt her,,,she means life to me,,,she told me taht i scare her,,,to know how much i love her,,i guess im jsut obsessed over her,,,i dont know,,but what ever it is,,i love her,,i dont want to do anything psychotic to her,,i dont want to do anything that she dont want to do,,,i dont know,i just want to respect her and love her for who she is,,it's not about me anymore,,, ilvoe her,,and i hope she knows it

Now Playing: i love her
didnt update last night,,,,cuz i was too tired and jsut dont want to think about life and all,,had a jam last night,,they all were jumping around,,i was forcing myself to jump aroud,,but the FREAKING HEADACHE JUST GETS WORST!!!its like,,,,a devil is squeezing ur head,,,haiyahs,,,well,,i enjoyed last night,,,hatta did lotsa crazy stuff,,was worried,,torch is an assly ass as usual,,haha,,clement is still himself,,with great and improved pk skilss,,angela does the things she always do during jams,the rest were having fun,,,and i was enduring my headache and kept on thinkin of her,,,its hard for me to pk yesterday,,,i dont know why,,my body's too stiff,,haha,,owwell,,got home,,,tried to sleep,,but just couldnt,,then at 3 to 5 am ,,chat with azrii about life and all,,it was meaningfull,,,,i learn alot from him,,then he went offline,,,it's hard to believe that we're back together,,the thing is,,she dont seem like she likes me,,,i love her,,she may love me,,but i dont think she wanna do the things we do together as a couples,,i seriously dont mind that,,,cuz i know,,it'll make her feel shit,i dont know how to explain,,,i jsut want her heart,,and now,it's nvr about me,,now,,at 7pm in the evenin,,,i jsut stayed at home,,she was online at 12,,,we chat until 2+,,,shewent out with her friends,,im alone at home,,,and im feeling shit again,,,i dont know why,,how can i screw her life up just like that? i dont know,,,tmr's school,,and everytime i think about that,,it'll just make me feel worst,,,,i havent been eating right,,,2days without conditioning,,,i dont know,,i felt shit and all,,well,,,i miss her so damn much,,,i wanted to see her today,,,but,,she's always busy,,and at the same time, i dont think that she wanna see me,,i dont know why,,i just feel that way,i just hope taht she's happy,,,ive lost a few of my friend's trust,,,i cant do anythin about it,,,and im really happy that i have 100% control of my feelings,,i cant show others how i feel,,and i dont plan to even let her know,,that im always like shit and all,,,,i dont know why,,,i couldnt bare to look at any1 feeling like shit because of me,,and i think i affeect kat most,,i dont know why,,,,,life is more than myself now,,it's nvr gonna be about myself,,i dont practically care what happens to me,,detention,,trouble in school,,i dont care,,,cuz,,i dont think that she 100%cares either,,and i dont think that she would wanna be together wit hme,,,if she really does feel that way,,i really hope she would build up the guts to tell me that once again,,cuz,,it's better i get hurt than she gets hurt,,,,my life is for others,,im off to watch mecom in the middle,,outs