Why make it doubt - it hurts so -
So sick - to guess -
So strong - to know -
So brave - Upon its little Bed
To tell the very last They said
Unto Itself - and smile - And shake -
For that dear - distant - dangerous - Sake -
But - the Instead - the Pinching fear
That Something - it did do - or dare -
Offend the Vision - and it flee -
And They no more remember me -
Nor ever turn to tell me why -
Oh, Master, This is Misery -
-Emily Dickinson

I was cranky today. Dunno why. But I'm feeling better now. Listening to Forsaken by David Draimen.
Got to have a interesting convo with a friend. Here I'll post it for you.

Friend [7:04 PM]: muh family are non denominational christians...we don't believe in organized religion

ME [7:04 PM]: ah cool

ME [7:05 PM]: I used to go to a nondenominational church a while back

Friend [7:05 PM]: sounds redneck

ME [7:05 PM]: nah it dont lol

ME [7:06 PM]: How is nondenominational not organized though?

Friend [7:06 PM]: we don't go to church ..that's when it becomes organized

Friend [7:06 PM]: what are you?

ME [7:07 PM]: my very christian grandmother prolly thinks im the anti christ.. but I'm just an oddball when it comes to religion. I think all religions are organized so I don't follow any of them. I think everyone has their own way of finding faith. And I've found mine

Friend [7:08 PM]: well I agree with that

Friend [7:08 PM]: I'm 19 yrs. old and I am yet to be satisfied with anything

ME [7:08 PM]: lol

Friend [7:08 PM]: and that encompasses everything

ME [7:09 PM]: I think that as we grow older our faith changes too. We learn more

Friend [7:09 PM]: I agree. I think that there are alot of outside influences. Such as Science

ME [7:09 PM]: I think that religions find it very hard to change.. and when the stuff they teach loses its usefulness.. they die off

Friend [7:09 PM]: I agree with that too

ME [7:10 PM]: exactly.. science has been the downfall of much of religion.. they have to come up with excuses

ME [7:10 PM]: like "Evolution doesnt exsist. Scientists invented the dino's"

ME [7:10 PM]: hehe

Friend [7:11 PM]: I think people as a whole think too much..there isn't always an explaination for everything..and Science is ALL theories anyway

ME [7:11 PM]: yah.. but I think humans need answers to stuff

ME [7:11 PM]: religion is a way of getting those answers

ME [7:11 PM]: or i should say faith

ME [7:11 PM]: religions just create new questions

Friend [7:12 PM]: therefore Science contradicts it's self if you think about it ..saying there has to be a reason and they can't even prove them

ME [7:12 PM]: lol, well they prove them as best they can.

ME [7:12 PM]: but like faith, science is always changing

ME [7:14 PM]: Philosophy used to be a combination of science and faith. I think that in the end the answer to everything will be the same

ME [7:14 PM]: but I'm not sure if we'll ever get to that answer

ME [7:14 PM]: main reason why I like philosophy

Friend [7:14 PM]: I don't think there is always an answer

ME [7:15 PM]: how can their not be an answer though?

ME [7:15 PM]: there has to be something that makes everything like it is... even if we cant understand it

Friend [7:16 PM]: sometimes you cannot articulate motif..and if there is no motif then there's nothing there ..no tangible proof..or atleast that's how I see it

Friend [7:16 PM]: makes perfect sense to me lol

ME [7:16 PM]: hmm.. my lil brains working too hard.. lol. gimme a sec to think this one over

Friend [7:17 PM]: lol okie

ME [7:17 PM]: but their is something there..
whether or not you can articulate it

ME [7:17 PM]: ?

Friend [7:18 PM]: yes..but my point is ..if it's not comprehensible it's not really an answer

ME [7:19 PM]: just because you cant comprehend it doesnt mean its not there tho, its like saying air doesnt exsist because you can't see it.

Friend [7:20 PM]: in a way yeah..I can see that..but I can't explain this the way I see it lol

Friend [7:20 PM]: I'm not good at it

ME [7:20 PM]: yes you are lol

ME [7:20 PM]: try

ME [7:20 PM]: I want to understand how you see it

Friend [7:21 PM]: okay let me try it this way..an answer is an answer because it grants understanding..but if it's not understandible it's not an answer

Friend[7:21 PM]: it's like trying to teach quantum theory to a six yr. old

Friend [7:22 PM]: an average six yr. old

Friend [7:22 PM]: maybe there are some who it would become an answer ....

ME [7:22 PM]: okay.. lemme write up my little argument to that now lol

Friend [7:22 PM]: lol

ME [7:24 PM]: I'll use your 6 yr old and quantum theory example for this. Sure the six year old may not be able to understand it, but that's because it doesnt understand the base idea's behind it. You have to take baby steps. That's what science and I think even faith/religion is doing.

Friend [7:25 PM]: yes..granted that that six yr old is going to prosper into someone who understands it..maybe someday there will be an answer to everything but at this point intime there can't be

Friend [7:25 PM]: it's like all of us are those six yr olds

Friend [7:25 PM]: and that's what we remain

My friend had to leave at this point.. I guess I'll let her have the last word, seems a little underhanded to say anything if she can't respond ^_^

Well, its 11:55 at night, and so far today I have done nothing of any importance. Here is a list of what my day was like.
1. Mom woke me up at 9:00, 3 and a half hours after I went to bed. I was pissed.
2. I went for a run at the park, tried not to fall asleep behind the wheel, got home and lifted weights.
3. Baked a cake for my dad.
4. Went to the hospital to visit him, his cancer is in remission and he'll be comming home tomorrow :D
5. got home around 8:00, slept till 10, watched some weird movie called "Soldier's Girl" then got on here.

I can't wait until I get out of this house, the thing you can count on around here is that nothing really happens. Even when you leave this place, its like its lack of excitement has somehow found its way into your veins and contaminated you. Luckily on July 21 I will be heading out to Idaho, land of potatoes, to work with the student conservation association. That should be different atleast, even if its not all that exciting. Digging in the dirt, making trails, planting stuff, and best of all, going crap in a big hole we have to dig in the ground. Last year I worked in Oregon for the northwest youth corp, and I hope to continue doing this kind of stuff with my summers, just next year I hope to be paid for it. I'm broke.
I should have no trouble getting into a university to study the enviroment. For the past 4 years I've been working on building up a nice little pile of stuff that the university types can look at and see that I'm serious about working outside. I've been doing volunteer work at 2 wildlife sanctuarys for 4 years and this will be my second year working with a section of americorp.
Alright well, I'm exhausted. night.

Here I solemly promise that I will not edit anything I write. I always end up going back and seeing how stupid I sound and deleting the whole thing. I wont do that this time.
Well, it's going on three o'clock here and I still haven't managed to go to sleep. So I decieded to make one of these thingums. I don't know whether of not anyone is actually reading this but I'm going to write it as if I'm talking to someone. Just seems the right way to do it.
I warn you that my mind sort of wanders and often my hands can't keep up with my thoughts. If you get lost along the way I'm sorry, it happens to me too, don't feel too bad.
Here I'll tell you a little about my plans in life. I tried to plan things out see, I have it all fixed in my mind. 1. finish high school a year early. 2. Take AP courses until I turn 18. 3. Head for Europe, spend a year traveling through Spain, France and England. Maybe take a stop off in Ireland. 4. Become a smoke jumper, or maybe join Americorp. 5. If I don't die young like I think I probubly will, get a nice little house in Newfoundland and open a center for the arts. 6. Die.
Notice, no love life, not alot of money. But hey, I take to heart all that "Do what you like to do" crap. As for love life, well I can't see me ever having one of those. It's a little confusing too. You see, while I may not be extremly hot, it's not as though I'm hidious either. I don't know why I scare people off so easy. The only people that are ever interested in me are people I could never see myself with. The sad part is, my standards aren't very high, in fact I think I'm pretty damn reasonable. I used to try and be Goth, thought it might make me more appealing to the people I found attractive, you know the deep, poetic crowed. It didn't. Oh well, I never did look very good in fishnet.
Now I wear nice button down shirts over T-Shirts and baggy jeans. Sometimes I even wear one of those funky 50's hats, like Sinatra used to wear. I've given up on the "hip" fashion. Though I do have a thing for piercings and tattoos. My only real "alternative" peircing I guess would be my nose, but I plan on doing a second hole in my ear this summer and adventually getting my lip done. As for tattoo's, I don't have any yet but I want a little fly tattoo done and maybe something faith orented. People are always getting things having to do with their religion on them. I think its a great idea. If any of you have read the "Neverending Story" You'll remember the light colored snake and dark colored snake biting eachothers tails in a circle on the cover? I want that on the back of my neck. No I do not concider the neverending story as some sort of bible. The image of the snakes just holds meaning for me. I don't agree with organized religion personally, though I don't hold anything against people who go along with it so long as they show the same respect I try and show them. I believe that everyone finds their faith within themselves, not from some book or from other people. In me I've found the snakes just mean a kind of circle. To go in full detail its like, everything in the universe and anything that exsists outside, beside, or around it, is part of this whole. I don't really think there is good or evil either. I believe that everything is made up of the same stuff, it's just put together a little differently. Enough of my ramblings for tonight. bye