Sometimes I wonder why I do some of the crap that I do....It's like I don't even think about it. Geez...I'm such an idiot. I've got to stop being so stupid. I swear, I'll try not to have another "Brilliant Idea" ever again.

I'm so tired of hurting all the time. I want to make it stop, make it all go away. But I can't. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I just want to get it over with. An immense, overwhelming blackness covers me. But I'm not allowed to have my pain. I'm not allowed to do what I want to, and give into it, let it take me. One of these days, everything else won't be enough, and I'll sleep....

Sometimes I get in this funk where I hate everybody, and just want to be left alone. That's the funk I'm in now. I hate everyone. I hate the holidays. I hate myself. I am a complete waste of space. I just want to go ahead and get it over with. Leave me alone. Please. Please. Please. Please. I can hear myself screaming on the inside. Clawing myself to shreds. Wanting to get out. I'm not supposed to be here. He's waiting for me.....

Sometimes I wonder why I'm so miserable. Granted, I don't have a conventional way of life like normal people, but I have a decent home, food in the fridge, and kids who have never told me that they hated me. Yet I'm depressed, and want to just "not be here" anymore. This depression has been with me for as long as I can remember, and the more time that goes by, the more I just keep getting sucked farther down into it. Soon, it will engulf me, and I won't be here at all.

Sometimes I wonder what "normal" is like. I've suffered with depression for so long, I'm not even sure what that is. Every day, I live with the feeling that maybe I shouldn't even be here. That I really don't want to be here. I wish I could just go away. If it weren't for the kids, I probably would have done myself in by now.

Your indifference makes me want to die. Even when I'm with you, it's like I'm alone. Your heart isn't in this, and it's hurting me more than you know. I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted. I'm sorry I'm taking up space on this planet. I'm sorry I'm alive.