FOREVER
NOT…
I used to believe in forever. Call me dumb but I did. I was engrossed with love and was not able to see what was wrong. All I saw were the bright sides of loving; I was blinded by the lights of love.
So here I am, wondering, pondering, asking myself, “What have I done wrong?” or “Am I not good enough?” It used to be perfect. I even felt so loved. I thought the problems were over. But the worst was yet to come.
You were my first. Many didn’t think because, bragging aside, I’m the type of girl who was everything—the perfect family, the right type of friends, the comforts of living, the personality and all. They see me as someone who won’t ask for more from life.
Our relationship proves that opposites really attract. You are silent; I am loud. You talk less; I talk much. You are shy; I’m always at the socials. You have your own set of friends; I have mine. We never really matched even first. But still we didn’t care. We let our feeling rule over our lives.
The first month were sailing smoothly. We go to church, you walk me home, you call me regularly. I was soaring high at those times because you uplifted my inner being by making me feel so special. Those were the days when we did things ‘together’ for the first time. Just thought of it still makes me smile.
In the next couple of months, problems raised. You didn’t seem to be as sweet as you were before. You were forgetting things, you weren’t calling as often, and you were always out. You began spending more time with your friends and I was left with no choice but to let you go out. I felt alone, unloved, uncared for. The thought of you spending time with your friends—the time that could have been mine—made me sad, weeping sad. I made plans but you didn’t follow. You were saying yes to everything but your actions were opposing. The next time I saw myself, I was being demanding, too demanding for your patience. I wanted you to be always with me, by my side. But still, you continued your inconsiderate acts, leaving me expectant each time. So, I just went on with the relationship, justifying your side. I also told myself that you’re just like that when you love—all you know of is loving, the feelings you have. The responsibilities that go with it don’t seem to touch your mind. With these things in mind, I decided to hold on. I thought our love would still survive. I believe in your words without actions. I was too blind, rather, too dumb to have not sensed you were shying away from me. I was being happy with what was happening to us not knowing you were not.
Then, I heard the news. It really shocked me. Your friends did not even know about it. But one of them found out and was brave enough to tell me about her. At first, it really didn’t hurt too much. The moment I was informed, I just smiled and said, “Tomorrow I’ll break up with him. No problem! I’ll be alright!” so I did. I told you about what I heard, the reasons I have, I told you that things just won’t work out for the two of us. I know you feel the same way. You don’t love me anymore. I did not even cry that night we broke up. I just thought that it would be better for us to split up and lead separate lives. I could search for other guys anyway—someone better, sweeter, richer, better looking. I was wrong. I couldn’t understand it but only recently did I feel the emptiness it brought without you in my life. Only now did I realize that even you have hurt me badly, I’m still in love with you deeply.
I’m still here, waiting, hoping that someday you’ll realize how much I love you. I hope I could see you soon. My arms are widely open anytime you have cleared your mind. We won’t be around too long you known. We can’t hold on forever. I once believed in it but I was hurt. There is no such thing. Though I tell you, I do not promise to be here forever but I will be here as long as I could hold on. I love you so…
