Don't expect this to be a happy post..
Mood:  down
Now Playing: My Heartstrings Come Undone - Demon Hunter
This.. has been a CRAPPY day. Of course, I've done nothing but remember the whole day. I'm walking the hallways, thinking about when KC hugged me for dear life, or Joe was so nervous about proposing.. when Mike got back from band camp and couldn't wait to talk to me..

Everything I get involved in breaks.. what is WRONG with me?!

I'm sitting here watching everyone else live out all my dreams.. while the universe keeps whacking me with a giant stick.

I know my life is pretty good, compared to some others. My parents could've gotten divorced and left me an empty husk, but they didn't. I could've slept with KC and be carrying a kid around right now, but I didn't.

Still.. eh, whatever. I don't have enough time for self-pity, I have too many people relying on my pathetic self.

I've come to terms with being completely in love with someone who is in love with someone else, but still needs me.

The problem is DYING to see them smile again, knowing that they're crying themself to sleep every night. And there's not a thing I can do about it.

If I had any power in this universe at all, I'd give him everything he's ever wanted. Even if I never got to see him again, I'd know that I was able to make him smile. ..Instead, all I can offer is a shoulder to cry on.

..And yet.. I'm thankful. I'm thankful he wants my shoulder, that he does come to me when it gets rough. I haven't been pushed away. *manages a smile*

Boing.. boing..
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: We All Fall - Superchic[k]
At least I'm bouncing back faster than normal.. a lot has happened, but I don't have a whole lot of time. Mainly just wanted to post this quiz:





What type of Fae are you?

In other news, we got two PS3s in the whole fiasco today. For those of you rolling your eyes, shaddup. >_> We want them, we got them. So nyah.

Actually, we're currently Ebaying one of them, and the other one will be our keeper... whenever it gets here. Fed-Ex kinda.. lost the shipment. >>

And school's going good. Which reminds me, gotta get back to studying! Ja! ^_^

FYI.. people, leave me comments! I'm a comment whore, and I get disappointed every time I don't have a comment. It's like a little present. ^_^ *begs* Pweaase?

Big ball o' stress..
Mood:  rushed
Now Playing: Protege Moi - Placebo
I've been a big huge ball of stress lately.

Warning: Ranting will ensue. I'm not seeking out any particular advice or comfort, I just need to get this out of my head.

Okay, so..

1. Job: My supervisor wants to make me permanent, but that involves writing up all this paperwork and going through a formal process. Could be weeks, if not longer.

There's this other position in the same agency that's a permanent project until '09, it's programming, and it's an ITS3 in-training which means I get hired at the college recruitment level and get paid the big bucks after two years. That announcement doesn't even close until tomorrow, which means that hiring supervisor won't get the applications until Monday.

Okay, so it annoys me that it's up in the air, but I could normally handle it. ..Except that it effects EVERYTHING. ELSE. Leading to..

2. School: I've been accepted into Capella University (go me) and started my first class. This is all fine and dandy, except that I'm $500 short PER QUARTER, taking into account my student loans and financial aid. I -could- foot this, but it means that I'd have almost no savings for the next.. oh, three years.

Which leaves me the following options, and ensuing problems:

a. Become independent. Problem: Screws up my parent's taxes.
b. Have parents apply for PLUS loan and get denied. Problem: We're planning to build a house soon, they need their credit rating in as good of shape as it can be.
c. Get outside loans. Problem: ANOTHER bank to pay off at the end.
d. Get reimbursement from work. Problem: They only do that for permanents.. and considering I currently have TWO permanent positions up in the air, this option is taunting me.
e. Ask for money from grandparents. Problem: Putting my school burden on someone else.

So I'm leaning towards footing the bill until my work thing gets settled, but EVERYTHING is up in the air and I hate it. I can't make any moves until they figure out where I'm going, so I'm footing it until they do so. Not the most comfy position to be in.

3. Church: I'm co-teaching Rainbows, the Wednesday night club/class for preschoolers. It's pretty fun, except for their constant and utter lack of an attention span. The nice thing is, they're pretty forgiving. So even if I suck on any given week, they don't notice.

But I need to start getting on the ball.. the lady I'm teaching it with is NOT the sort of person to get on the ball. Which means I have to. Problem is, I'm not the sort of person to get on the ball, either. So yay.

4. Financial: I'm down to $45 in my checking account. >_> This used to be at $550. I went a little crazy this month, since I haven't been using any sort of budget tracking thing. I had an Excel spreadsheet set up, but it got too complicated and confused the phreak out of me. So I stopped looking at it.

-----------

Yah, so that's the drama. I know there's all of those debt consolidation places, but.. can't there be a stress consolidation process?

I need to be more organized. Desperately. Too many things are falling though the cracks, and it's NOT cool. So.. tomorrow night, I'll come up with a schedule. At least some kind of thing where I have a dedicated chunk of time to do something. That chunk can move freely, as long as it's not broken up.

I need my own bylaws. XDD But thinking about what the benefit will be when such a system is in place.. I can only dream.

But that's enough dreaming; it's time to get crackin'.

Light, dark, light, dark. Always moving forward.
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: It's On - Superchic[k]
Topic: Friends
It's amazing how every time I screw something up, I learn something important.

I'm done hating myself. XD Hopefully, forever.

The second I stopped looking at everyone as crutches, I realized that I'm not alone. Even as I type, I'm sitting here talking and joking with Paco and Cake. The people at work like me enough to fight to make me permanent, I just got back from a meeting where I'm in a huge Christmas choir, I'm planning a party in the next couple of weeks, I'm planning a college get-together to go up to Gameworks in December, and tomorrow I go with my best friend up to Seattle to get her a laptop.

How could I ever think I'm alone? o_O

Someone shoot me, please?
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: My Struggle - Seventh Day Slumber
Why do I ALWAYS do this?! WHY?!

I'm a freaking attention whore, that's why. I'm so desperate for any sign of anyone even remotely caring about me, that I start craving it like a drug every time it comes along.

And they always end up getting hurt. Always.

That's all I am.. an affection vampire. I should come with a disclaimer.

Warning: Being in any kind of relationship with the affection vampire will probably end up in incredible pain. Avoid if at all possible.

On the plus side, I truly am alone now. Not a single person I can talk to, and I'm not being dramatic this time. Maybe now I'll receive my punishment.

I don't think it's possible for any one person to despise themself more than I do now. Who wants the silver bullet?

Sleepy musings..
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Random new age-y relaxation music
Okay, so my last post was really depressed. I'm not depressed as a whole, that was (as I commented in the post) a lapse.

I'm doing fine, though I seem to be sinking into my memories more and more each day.. hmm, I have to quit that. I need to get out and do stuff more often to avoid stagnation.

Anywho, I got officially accepted into Capella (yay!). It was weird trying to figure out this whole thing, because Mom did ALL of it when I was doing Running Start. I just started class on the day that she said I was starting, and that was that. XD

It's a lot more complicated than I thought. But I know the process now, so next year should go much smoother.

Anywho, my orientation thing is open on the 30th, and my first class starts on the 6th.

For the record, that is TRIPPY. I'm officially starting college back up, and I'm going to get my bachelor's. Way trippy.

But that leads me to a point I've noticed recently... I have never hit any walls. I mean, think about it. My Associate's degree, my job, my car, and even to go to Japan and Mexico.. it all just worked out. And for most of that stuff, I didn't even really do anything. Just kind of went along with the ride, providing a small amount of input when necessary. o_o

I'm not trying to brag about how cool my life is, because even I have major issues. But holy cow.. the favor of God goes a LOOOONG way.

It still blows my mind. God, why me? t_t A large part of me is pathetic, spineless.. a follower. But it's like I can also feel this part that He's specifically put in me to make up for it. I think that's the fire that everyone sees..

Lapse of thought..
Mood:  down
Now Playing: Say Goodbye - Skillet
Topic: Friends
Okay, so I had a brief lapse in judgement when I was doing the dishes. I started thinking. And not only did I start thinking, but I started reminiscing and dredging up old pain.

I was half-thinking out loud, half-praying.. I just don't understand it.

God, why? I was facing my demons, I was facing the years of my own rage, frustration, and jealousy.. why did it backfire on me? I was trying so hard to make things right and it blew up in my face. The very one who was giving me the strength to do it ended up stabbing me in the back.

Why?

I guess at least... I'm glad I got to make things right with the only person who matters to him before he died. Too bad I didn't even register on the scales of importance.

He calls himself a White Knight.. says he wants to name his son Michael Lionheart. I pray one day he earns either of those titles. But as it stands right now.. he couldn't be further from it.

Just another victim of the snake charmer... I pray that someday I will earn my forgiveness for falling for it.

*Pries the Runes out of her hands and slams them into a wall*

Someday, I'll be a warrior without cheating.

But it's kind of funny.. does he realize who he looks like right now?

Bye, Kris.

Emotionally empty..
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Comatose - Skillet
Topic: Family
Well, I'm running on pure empty.

First, I hear that there's a chance my puppy (okay, not puppy.. he's 9, which is apparently geriatric for big dogs) might die from cancer, which (thank GOD) ended up being an infection. He's on antibiotics and already looking better.

Then.. oy.. Jace broke his arm tonight. Mind you, this is the 5-year-old. I heard him out there crying, which is nothing new.. it wasn't until Dad went out to check on him and said "Shannon, Jace broke his arm" that the panic flowed. They were out the door and up at the hospital in like.. ten minutes.

He's still in the hospital, and I'm holding down the fort with the two younger ones. He broke both bones and apparently will have weekly X-rays, with the cast staying on for 6 weeks. I know arm bones breaking isn't really a big deal. Whoopee, he'll heal up and be fine in 2-3 months.

It's just that right now, I'm running on empty. The kind of empty where you have to push your car off the road because it has NO gas.

There is hope, my little brother is okay, and I have the whole weekend to energize.. things will be okay. ^^

Oops, I did it again..
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: All I Want Is You - Planetshakers
Don't ask me why, but I did it again.. I read K's blog. It always kills me to read K's blog, though now I read it for different reasons.

I want to see evidence that he's moved on, gotten over me, continued living his life.... he hasn't. *sighs* I used to want to see evidence that he was in pain. Curse my fallen nature.

But his second latest post is all about what he's learned from me. Yah, it's still extremely spiteful and some of it still incites that blinding anger.. but he's right. *Smiles sadly, shrugging* He's completely right. I'd tell him so myself, but I don't want to re-open those lines of communication. I'm not a moth, and his flame turned to ice.

He was saying how it made him mad that most of the pain was because I was too cowardly. I was scared to hurt either him or my parents, I was scared of what might happen, I was scared of who would see...

And so I jerked him along on a chain. Unintentionally, but intentions don't mean diddly-squat when you're talking about hurt feelings.

I wish.. that I could get through to him. That I could get him to stop staring at the anger, pain, and hatred.. and see that this is who I am.

My father is not living through me. If he ever was, he isn't now. This is me.

..But he can never understand that. And it's my fault.. *nods slowly*

Better head out now.. cya!

I'm legal!
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Random Project 86 songs
Woot! I passed my driver's test. I TOTALLY bombed the parallel parking 'cause I hit the curb twice and hit the pole once in straightening out.. not to mention I forgot to take off my parking brake, which would explain why my car was groaning at me. t.t Poor Levi.

But anywho, the rest of it went fine. I remembered to look over my shoulders 'n everything, and I signalled. Wootage! Who cares what I did? I can driiiive. And have been taking full advantage of this.

I drove home from work on Friday, took Cassie out both Saturday and tonight looking at room stuff. And I came home from church whenever I bloody felt like it. >) Oh, man.. that's sweet. It's so trippy, though. I'm a full-fledged adult. o_o

But to be honest.. since M left, I've been MUCH more emotionally stable. Obviously, I have my blue days.. but so does everyone else. Actually, this morning I went up front at church. I didn't actually hear what Hansen was calling people up for, but I went anyway. The whole time, God was reminding me who I am: his Knight. I don't take no crap. ^_^

Anywho.. on to more tactile things. The grandparents are trying to sell their house so they can come live with us and help us build the dome homes. This means that until any new homes are built, Cassie will be in my room. I freaked out at this at first, but that was when I was up all hours of the night talking with questionable people. It's not really an issue now. ^^

But yah, we're shopping around to get ideas for what we want to do to the room. I already know that we're going to paint it a light purple. Now we're just picking out organization stuff, decorations, lights, etc. Not a whole lot we can do in such a small bedroom, but we CAN make it much more people-friendly than it is.

...Unfortunately, all of these efforts require a clean room. So I have a very small, 2-foot-radius portion of my room cleared out so far. What I'm doing is pulling EVERYTHING out and either marking it as trash, donation, or for keeping.

I also need to shop around for a small storage with 24-hour access.. >> I think I'mma keep all my computer guts in there. If I ever need to troubleshoot a PC, I'll head over and grab whatever I need. Seriously, that takes up soooo much space. @_@ Although I don't know how much of it actually works.. >> That's the tough part.

Well, I'm off to bed so I can get to work and come home to do more to this room.. >_<

Mata ne, minna-chan!