justified sacrifices?
Mood:  don't ask
I admit I have been irresponsible regarding my financial situation and life. I am, however, currently making changes to better myself in order to improve the quality of life for myself and my family. I have come to the realization that adulthood is unavoidable. No matter how much my spirit pulls me in the other direction, I have to accept that my glorious 20's are coming to an end. I have had a great life so far but it could be so much more. This is why, this week, I have been forcing myself to work so much. Yes, I am broke, and need the money, but this my first step in "adulthood bootcamp". Its not only about the money, its about discipline- which I lack.
Unfortunately, I have had to make sacrifices in order to do this. I had to miss a couple of events my daughter was participating in because I chose to work this week. I explained to her what was going on, and she maturely accepted my absence. We also planned a "special day" next weekend to make up for it as well. So if my daughter did not have a problem with this, then why the hell does other people?
This is what happend: Monday, the first grade was singing for the PTA meeting at school. The kids had to be there at 6:15! After getting off at 5, sitting in Ashley Phosphate / I26 traffic forever, and running to my parents house to get Tris, there was no way we would have made it. Im not even a member of PTA! Tris, was a little disapointed, but we went home and she helped me make meatballs for out spaghetti dinner that night---we had a blast! Then Wed. (last night) there was a awards ceremony for this thing she was involved in at my parents church. This is my parents thing. I was asked to be there, but since my Dad was going to be there, I decided to stay at work and take advantage of overtime. On my way home, my daughter's Aunt had the nerve to call me and ask me why I wasnt there. I explained to her that I was broke, my bed is broke, and the truck is broke, and I was working. That should have been the end of it. But noooooooo..... she had to judge me, and give me this guilt trip and told me that my absence was unacceptable. That I should have been there no matter what reason I had not to go. I did not say anything at the time, but when I hung up the phone, I was in a rage! How dare she make judgements on my parental abilities. I so wanted to call her back and tell her to mind her business and worry about her own children, but I didnt. She loves my daughter almost as much as I do, and in her ignorant mind, she was doing what she thought was right. I just want to keep the peace. Words with her would have resulted in a war I am not interested in fighting. Yes, I could have stooped to her level and gave her a couple parental pointers, but thats not what I am about. I mind my business and do not form judgement on any parent because in the end everyone loves thier children and does right by them in thier own way. This is not the first time she has butted in, but I guess everyone is entitled to thier own opinion, after all she is family. Cant blame her for her ignorance.
Today is Tristen's last day of school. She has an awards ceremony today, but of course, I am here at work. I really hated to miss it. My heart aches to miss it, but her Daddy is there and when I see her tonight, I will hug her and kiss her and ask her every detail of her day. I will also tell her how proud I am of her. I do feel tremendous guilt, not for her, but for myself. I made this decision to "buckle down" this week, and because of it I have to miss a few of my daughter's milestones. I can sit here and say "what if" or "i should have done this" but looking back and regrets will only hinder my progress. Its just a shame that my avoidance of being a responsible adult has reoccurring consequences. I can just do my best and pray that I will not lose my soul in this journey.
**"If I should die tomorrow, I will have no regrets. I did what I wanted to do. You can't expect more from life." -- Bruce Lee