Well lets begin..
Mood:
not sure
Now Playing: Cold- Crossfade
Topic: My First Blog
Well.. I'm Hannah. I don't know if anyone will ever actually read this, but i'm writing it more for myself anyway. I always wanted somewhere to put my thoughts and my poetry, but i've never put them online because some people on myspace would read it and i dont think i really want them to see that part of me just yet... So i guess maybe i will give this a shot... i dont know if i will put in all of my past poetry, since i dont think i will get much feedback on it, but from here on when i write them, maybe i will put them on here.
So whats new with me?
Tonight after school let out i went to Ryleys. [thats my boyfriend.. we've been dating 5 weeks and he is the most amazing thing that has happened to me in a long time.] We watched Longshot and attempted to watch Red Dragon... but needless to say we got a little distracted ;). A little later he got kind of upset with me... he was asking me about the ring that i wear on a chain around my neck. I wear it every day and every night. I wear it in the shower. I cant take it off. He asked who gave it to me.. when i know that in his heart he knows who gave it to me and he knows what it means to me. He got mad because i told him it doesnt matter who its from. I told him its just a ring its not a big deal. Even if it is...
I really am over Will... i havent forgotten.. but i have forgiven. I just wear the ring.. because i like to remember , not just the good or just the bad, but the experience in itself. I know he is responsible for all the pain i have.. all the resentment and pent up anger. He is responsible. And i just want to remember. How he changed me.. made me miss him, made he hurt so much i couldnt breathe. i want to remember that because i never want to be put into that situation again. Every day i see the necklace around my neck and i remember how i thought that everything could be perfect. i thought that first love never dies and that i would die without him. He was changing and i wasnt changing with him. I thought that if he moved on, i woulndt... i would stay in the same place waiting for him always... which i learned is thankfully not true. Somewhere in my heart i still love him.. and i always will.. but i will not let the lingering control my life like it once did. And there is a place in my heart where i hate him. hate him for hurting me so much, for dropping me on my ass.. for leaving in the first place. I hate him for wasting years of my life in love with him. i hate him for everynight i spent crying his name and longing for his arms. Right now i have the best boyfriend i could ever ask for, one who i am absolutley crazy about. And i know that if i ever did anything to get back with will (which i wouldnt) that i would lose ryley forever, and i would never willingly do that. I wear it to remember and to forget. To embrace and to ignore. he will not control me the way he did. I have moved on. I know that i know that, and now i just have to make sure that ryley knows it to.
I havent loved anyone the way i loved will... but more than anything i hope to have that with ryley, the love, not the hurt, and i really think its possible now.. because at last i really have moved on. I never really wept from losing Will, only wept when i had him. I know that he is so wrong for me, and we want different things out of the relationship, and frankly, he has hurt me far too much to ever deserve a second chance.
tomorrow ryley is coming over. were going to cadillac to see zodiac.
and im exausted.. so to bed i go.
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Hannah
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