i hate my life! i hate everything! i wanna die! i cant take anything anymore..well..somethings are good... like me and sarah are friends again..it took me a while to realise that she really had nothing to do with what happened..well she did, but what happened wasnt her fault. so, im giving her another chance. and i did get to talk to kevin this weekend...i called him on sunday and he actually answered his phone :0..i know, amazing. so we talked for a lil bit. well we didnt really "talk" he was to busy with his music and mariah carey to talk to me..sometimes i wonder why i even bother calling him anymore...either he doesnt answer, or he does answer and he doesnt have time to talk or when he does have time he has his stupid music on..if i wanted to listen to music i would have turned mine on instead of calling him. its like he doesnt even care anymore... sometimes i wish i would have just kept my mouth shut on june 2. none of this would have happened, but the again i'd prolly be dead right now..so it was a good thing and it still is..i love him but hes such an ass sometimes..well most of the time now..he used to be sooo sweet and nice and now he never has time for me.

jess has been sick the last 3 days so i've been all alone at school..she better be there tomorrow or i'll have to go gangster on her ass..lol..love ya jess! ewww, this chicken is icky....sorry im eating icky chicken and its icky..lol..i know, i have problems. anyway...i should charge my phone...i didnt chrage it last night and it had a fit right on my face(it was on my pillow) at 2 in the morning because the battery was low.. and i didnt feel like getting up to charge it....grrrr! oww..my elbow just popped..owww! lmfao, im writing about the most random things...lol.

ooo...new poem:

I "Heart" You

My sun, My sky, Without you I'd die! My moon, My Stars, This love we share, Just ours! Is so incredible! You make my day bright, You make everything alright! I wish there was some way I could see youand show you just how much you mean to me, But for now I'll just tell you: I love you!

I LOVE YOU KEVIN!!!!

Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: "Beautifully Broken" by Ashlee Simpson
*sigh* sorry i havent posted in a while..i got a lil busy and depressed. expecially today. its the 23rd..JOY! and people just have to make me feel like SHIT!!! people must think im really stupid cause they treat me like i am. in 'your doing it wrong' tone "look on the back" then later "the entertainer..good you got it" like im some sort of retard. im soprry next time i'll keep my stupididty to myslef...IM NOT ALL HERE TODAY!!!! more than half of me is where ever shane is. and i cant help that..there has not been one day that i havent thought about him atleast once since feb 23 almost two years ago. i love him...and when i say that i dont mean as a brother or as a best friend. i mean IM IN LOVE WITH HIM!!!!! and poeple tell me to get over it..but i wont..i refuses to let go of my first (and probably only) TRUE love. i miss him..i know i say that all the time but i do..i mioss him more than anyone could ever miss another person. he was everything i ever wanted and needed and now hes gone and its all my fault. and i cant deal with that. i cant handle knowing that it was my fault that he was crying that night. and i cant deal with the fact that im never going to talk to him agian. he was like my best friend for so o o long. i could tell him anything and he understood me. he never made me feel like i was stupid and he made me laugh when i didnt even think i could smile. and now i feel like a whole chunk of me and my life is missing. ican hardly breath when i remember something from that time when we were together because it remionds me of how happy i was and how whole i was. and i cant beleive that my "best" friends tell me that everythings ok when they dont understand HALF the shit that i've been through and what im going through now. and what kells me the most is that i feel like i cant even go to them when something happens because im afraid of getting too close to someone or letting someone in and getting hurt...im all alone

IM GOIN PUNK!!!! YAY!

Mood:  blue
Now Playing: "Incomplete" by Backstreet Boys
now that i have my breathing under control i can post. sorry it took so o o long. i had to go to my moms for the holiday break...how was it? o, great..had a huge fight with mom and nearly killed myself on new yesrs eve. and to top off the beginning of my year, kevin just broke up with me. what fun...and i have gym tomorrow..im gonna try to stay home... i dont have energy to anything now....i ate all the chocolate connie gave me..well almost all of it, and im not hyper at all...thats what hes done to me...i wanna kill him. i didnt cheat on him and i never would. i saw, well..i know what he went through with jess and her cheating and i would never ever ever even think of doing that to him. i love him, i really and truly love him with all my heart..i just wish there was a way we could be together. i cant do it anymroe..he never listens to me. his mom hates me and we never talk anymore. whats the point of having a relationship with someone when you dont talk to them? its pointless! and i realised something the other day. i've wanted someone like him for so o o long and i finally get him and he turned out to be an ass. and i cant let go becuase [1] i love him and [2] i've waited so long and i think im scared of beng alone. not that im alone..i have my friends but they'l never be able to fill that hole in my heart where hes supposed to be (sorry guys...love ya)the really sad part is im kind of happy...well not happy, but relieved that he cant hurt me anymore..well besides the big crack he made in my heart but unless hes going to take AND GIVE in our relationship then i dont want him back. is that bad? am i wrong for wanting something back (and our lil conversations DONT make up for ANYTHING!!!) in a relation ship? i mean i give a lot and i never get anything back. am i wrong?

hello o o **waves**
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: "Mood Rings" By Relient K
heblow people!

Merry Christmas even tho its the day after...but whatever. i actually got what i wanted for once..i got two pairs of pj pants (spongebob and betty boop), Spngebob socks, spongebob slippers that are all square and they look like frankenstien shoes..lol, and an eagles hat, shoes(vans) which dont fit so we have to exchange them, choclate, coal(lol) which i gave back to my dad, a new cd player(now i have 6), batteries(60 to be exact), and my PS2!!!!!! AHHHHH!!! and of course a game to go with it..game: Burnout 3: Takedown!!! go me...i love xmas...the only thing that i wanted that i didnt get was to see kevin or at least get a call from him but noooo..im not worthy of a call from my BOYFRIEND!! oh well..i still have tons of friends that i love and they love me...and my kitty who is actually being nice to me.... its all the cat nip lol...my cats a pot head! and im talking to rachel, who i havent seen since the last day of 8th grade and only talk to online like once a month. i miss her soooooooo much...i miss my mom too...she isnt talking to me cause she mad at me...is it my fault the friggin jacket didnt fit?! ok..i know your prolly really confused now...whole story: theres this jacket that i've wanted to a loooong time and my mom finally got it for me for xmas...in a 3x! do i really look that fat? i looked like a black puffer fish with 4 foot wide shoulders..it was horrible and then she asks is i want her to see if she can exchange it for a diff size and i said "sure". she got all pissed about it and was like "you never like anything i get you" and " why do i even try anymore? nothing i get is good enough" now she wont talk to me anymore...i feel bad but its not my fault im not as fat as she thought i was.
i got to talk to kevin today..it didnt help much...we never talk anymore, and hes so distant that it seems like he doesnt exsist anymore. like after i talk to him it seems like it was all in my head like im going crazy and making everything up in my mind. am i going crazy? does kevin ****** even exsist? :'(

I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!

TRICK OR TREAT, SMELL MY FEET, GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT, IF YOU DONT, I DONT CARE, I'LL PULL DOwN YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!! lol...HAPPY HALLOWEEN and HAPPY NEW YEAR to Jess and Rachel! yea....i went t or t'ing with jess....it was fun she was a corpse bride that had fallen in love with this guy and went to get married but he showed up at the wedding with another girl so she died of heart ache and then married a demon...yea...then i was a punk angel sorta thing and when she dies i got stuck with her....angel of death sorta thing...but it was cool...at one point a part of the lace on the dress she was wearing fell off so i got a white lace tie to go with my outfit....lol...kinda hyper because of candy but tired cause i have school tomorrow and gym..I HATE GYM!!!!!!!!!!!! it sucks but anyway..i think im gonna have some candy then go to sleep....nighty night...

MIKE IS THE STUPIDEST PERSON I HAVE EVER MET!!!! I HATE HIM!!! NOW I REMEmBER WHY I WAS SO MAD AT HIM FOR SO LONG!!!! **GIVES MIKE THE FINGER** FUCK YOU MIKE!!!! lol..but yea..i think i migt have actually made him feel bad for once....yea i sent him this "you dont care who you hurt, do you? as long as you dont get hurt..it doesnt matter how shitty you make the person you hurt feel...as long as your not broken or shattered in anyway..but what about the one you hurt...what happenes to them? they live their life thinking they'll never be good enough...that they cant trust anyone, that they'll be forced to be alone for the rest of their life..or they end their horrible life, believing that no one cares about them, that everyone would be better off without them, and thinking that its all their fault that their life is the way it is or that its their fault that everything went wrong..when its really your fault for breaking them when they needed you most..for leaving right when the rest of their life came crashing down...but it doesnt matter to you, you wouldnt care if i took my life right now..as long as your not hurt, broken, or shattered in anyway" hehe..im so mean...but he deserves it....but he did do one good thing for me...he made me so mad i broke up with im, then Kevin came on a week later and thats why i had enough courage to tell him i liked him..that and i was single..even tho mike was stupid...i would never cheat on anyone...

hey!!! sorry i havent writen anything in a long time..i've been busy...and a lot of stuff has happened. where to start, where to start? hmmmm, i uess i'll start with the fact that kevins being an ass and i dont know hiw muchh longer its gonnaa last...i dont wanna let go of him but if thiis is how hess gonna be then i cant be with hiim..maybe if he an be a "big boy" and keep himself out of trouble then we could stay together but i dont think he'd be able to do that.. that would be too hard for him and i'd be asking for too much...am i wrong for wanting to talk to my BOYFRIEND? should i just sit around waiting to talk to hiim hile hes out dooing god knows what...i cant trust him..what happened with sarah proves it..i havent forgiven him for that..i dont think i ever will...i cant believe he would do something like that, and with my BEST FRIEND! oh well...a good thing is that me and mike are friends again...hes being nice..well we havent really talked that much yet but he semes to being nice and i'll get to talk to him in thursday because we dont have time to tealk before then..wel i do, he doesnt. and well thats pretty much all thats happened.. beside the wlk jess and i took in the rain..that was fun..we got soaked..so did my phone..what is it with my phone and water?

i hate my life
but i love kevin. he was being really nice today :-)