08-04-01
It is Saturday morning and I've been off work since I saw Doc Tuesday. No, not stress. I had had a backache for about a week; figured I had pulled a muscle. So I quit doing any heavy lifting for awhile to let it mend. But instead of getting better, it kept getting worse. By Monday, I couldn't even wear my belt to work because my back was too sore to stand the pressure. Tues. was my day off, so I held off until then to go see Doc. As it turned out, I have a kidney infection. He gave me antibiotics and something for the pain. I go back to work Monday. I'm hoping for a weekend miracle. I'm drinking gallons of water, as opposed to my usual gallons of coffee and Pepsi. If I took the pain killers as directed, there would be less pain. But I would be asleep all the time! That's probably what I need right now, but I HATE to be around someone drunk or drugged, so I try to keep a sober mind myself. At it's most sober state, my mind is dangerous! Can't afford to push my luck (Ha!Ha!).
I wanted some time off work to spend with my mother; not to have to pamper myself. But a journey in an auto would kill me right now. Feels like my right kidney is stuck in a vice as it is. Couldn't sit still all those hours. Besides, the 6hr. trip would turn into a 12hr. trip by the time we stopped at every restroom. So, why do I feel so guilty for not being with my Mom? I guess for the same reason I always do. I love her & Dad, I miss them, and I wish I could be there. I know I wouldn't take any magic healing powers with me, but maybe I COULD help lighten the load by doing some of the household chores & running errands. Knowing both of my sisters are there helps a lot. They don't realize how it eases my mind when they drop me an email saying they have been there. If not for them, I WOULD be there, regardless of all else. But there is really nothing I can do that they aren't already doing.
Gotta get off here & out of this chair. Can't sit for long right now. Went to bed at 2AM and was up at 6AM, after waking several times throughout the night. Maybe I WILL take that pain pill tonight at bedtime. Say a prayer for Mom & Dad, please.
8-12-01
I know I haven't written much here lately. I guess I have had the time, but the will I haven't had. I guess I knew if I started writing things on my mind, I would have to face them; and they're not pretty. You see, I am losing my mother. That is, I AM losing my best friend. It has been rough over the past couple years that we couldn't have the intimate conversations that we used to have because of the state the strokes left her mind in, but at least I still had my Mom. Not for long now, and I know it. I have never hurt this bad or felt this helpless in all my life. I KNOW that she will be in heaven with Jesus, and that she will have no more sorrow or pain. So why do I keep crying? Because for her to gain that, I, and my siblings, have to give up my mother. My Dad has to give up the love of his life. We all love her enough to do that, but it doesn't make it a bit easier. Can't do this right now.
11-06-01
REALLY been a long time this time. I DID end up taking a leave from work to go be with my parents. I went up the last of Augest. We lost Mom 10-13-01 at 11:25AM, and the Lord gained a ritous soul. She told me that she wanted "Her Girls" to take care of her - no hospital. So, that is exactly what we did, with the help & support of our husbands. None of us are medically trained, or even had a clue, for that matter, what needed done. But we all had love & determination to try to keep Mom as comfortable as we could during her last days with us. Fortunately, we had the wonderful help of Hospice, our two 1st cousins who ARE trained nurses, a WONDERFUL father who stood by Mom through it all, and last but certainly not least, a wonderful God who heard our desperate prayers begging him not to allow Mom to suffer. But in all fairness, although we DID all pray in agreement, and know God heard our prayers, Mom & Dad have served Him for the past 43yrs. I guess if OUR faith were as strong as Mom's, we would have never expected her to have anything but the most gentle & graceful departure imaginable. All three of her girls did our best to care for her, and we were all there when she left us to go and be with Jesus. Through it all, we all leaned on each other, the way a family should. Then, right before I left to return home, we were discussing the new bond we all have now. Then, it occured to us; Mom didn't request her girls take care of her for her, she did it for us. That was her last, sacred gift to her children; drawing us all together again. I thought when she asked that, "Well, Mom is finally telling us what she wants for herself. Her whole life has been committed to her family. Now, she is FINALLY wanting something for herself". We determined that she got it, too. Even that, she did for us. After all, she always was the best Mom in the world.
While I was in WV, my friend Jean called me with the good news that Poppy had finally been saved. I was SO glad to hear that, as I have grown so attached to him since I started working with him in 1996. But soon after my return home, he, too, went to be with the Lord (2 weeks to the day after I lost Mom). The previous weekend, we lost my husband's 59yr. old aunt to cancer and had gone from WV to VA to her funeral. We got back here Wednesday, and lost Poppy Saturday. Seems the Lord intends to get His number. I hope all is well with the rest of my loved ones. God promised to not put on us more than we can bare, and I think I've lost all I can bare for awhile.
Time for me to get off here for awhile. Maybe I'll get back to it again before I return to work on 11-27. Y'all take care. And if you still can, CALL YOUR MOM.
11-16-01
Well, I made it back, and am doing much better. Now, it's getting time to get ready for the holidays. This is Friday & I just have one week of my leave before returning to work. Guess I'll go back up & see Dad the first part of the week. I KNOW he gets lonely now. He has NEVER talked as long on the phone as he does now when I call. Wish I could have spent this week with him, but when it rains, it pours. BOTH our autos have been in the shop. Hubby had to have his engine rebuilt & mine keeps destroying CV shafts from that wreck.
Want to get back here for Thanksgiving. That is one meal I LOVE to cook each year (I stuff a mouth-watering turkey!). I HOPE Dad will come back with us. Even though we lost Mom, we all have a lot to be thankful for this year. She lived a Good, long life and left gracefully with minimal suffering. Many people with cancer leave this world screaming in pain. Yes, God has been good to us.
Guess I'd best stop for now. Catch you later.
Time to move on to page seven. Seeya there!
