06-22-01
I ALWAYS have a lot to say...usually too much to say. That seems to be my problem. Even a fish stays out of trouble if he keeps his mouth shut. I guess it would be a blessing to me (and everyone around me) if God would strike me mute. But I would surely explode! Well, I do anyway.
My dog & cat are getting along much better now. He was SO jealous of Moses for the longest time! He had been the only pet here for four years and didn't like her invading his space. But about a week ago, he was at the front door barking madly. This little dog is quiet & only barks if someone is coming as a general rule. But nobody was out there. He continued to bark until my husband went outside. When he opened the door, our little dog ran in the house behind the couch. His part of the job was done. In the driveway, Moses was swatting at & dancing around a HUGE blacksnake which was curled up tight and just staring at her. My husband came in the house & got his shotgun, went back out and shot the snake. I was at work at the time, but Moses kept the snake "entertained" while he got the gun. My son's girlfriend later told me that a cat can charm a snake to paralysis. I had never heard that! But I thought it was neat how the cat & dog worked together to get the job done & wanted to share that story. Now, if only people would work together that well. It would make ALL our jobs easier!
Speaking of jobs, the economy is TERRIBLE in our area now. Several of the furniture factories have been laying people off, and a couple have closed completely. one of them didn't even bother to tell the employees they were folding. They worked Wednes. as normal, but when they went to work Thurs. morning, the doors were locked up. I KNOW this is illegal, but I doubt they will suffer any repercussions for their actions. Only the employees will suffer. In this part of the country, it seems the only laws enforced are the ones pertaining to the poor working class citizens. I learned that through my wreck and my husband's accident. His comp. checks quit coming for six whole weeks right through the Christmas holidays and the commissioner wouldn't even empose a penalty. The law states that benefits are to be paid weekly or there will be a 10% penalty imposed. Yeah, right. My wreck was 2-29-00, the man who hit me claimed full liability, and his insurance co. is STILL fighting me over the amount! But a lot of that is my own fault. I hired a law firm who was looking out for the best interest of Nationwide & them, and leaving me out. Ignorance is bliss? Not this time. I still haven't recovered my lost wages & med. payments. At least I DID fire them when they refused to take it to court. Then they had the nerve to tack a lean on it for the ammount they had offered. We will see.
Today is my day off & I have plenty of chores to catch up on here. Back to work tommorrow. I always dread working Sat. there. Busiest day of the week. At one time, I felt the busier the better. But I am burned out now. I really wanted that Mon.-Fri. job with the city. I KNOW I need to get out of retail. I'm not quite 40 yet & my feet, back, legs, and neck hurt every night so bad that I can hardly get to sleep. I would LOVE to find a more rewarding job, where my labor would at least be appreciated. I am SO tired of demands...customers' and employers'. It seems everyone just wants more all the time, they all want it yesterday but don't want to do anything to get it until tommorrow. I still think my name should be Anita instead of Crystal. I'm so TIRED of everyone greeting me with "I need a...". What I am giving now seems like blood from a turnip. They seem to be taking more than I have left to give. I am VERY used up. SOMETHING has to give. It is scaring me. I do fear that any day now I may just respond to one more employer demand with, "OKAY! That's it! My cup runneth over. Here's the keys. Find someone with a bigger cup to overload." I don't need to do that, as I am the only med insurance carrier in the family right now, but I fear I will. We have a new manager now, but the same lazy staff. He has lots of ideas and wants to clean the place up, but I'm afraid from what I've seen so far, he is still too timid to do what needs doing. Also, he, too, seems to count on the same chosen few to get the job done and fear forcing the slackers to do their part. Or maybe I expect too much. There are only two positions there that I haven't had, and each job description changes depending on who has it - male or female. I KNOW I am simply in the wrong occupation, but I have been in it for twelve years and built my wage up to survivable. Starting over will mean a MAJOR pay cut, but I am almost ready to do it. My body is exhausted and those car batteries seem to get heavier all the time. I'm the runt of the litter there (I weigh 125) and seem to be the only one who knows that we can't sell batteries which are hidden in the back room. I brought it to the new manager's attention yesterday that the lawn&garden batteries were being left in the back when the truck runs. Did he not see that? Yet, there were guys standing around shooting the bull & he didn't even ask anyone to fill the rack that I had cleaned & filled last. SO I didn't do it again. I didn't ask anyone else to, either. I guess I am a perfectionist, and that has no place in retail.
BUT, I need to get my priorities straight & be a perfectionist at home. Need to get off here & do some cleaning. This room is a mess. Gotta get my paperwork in order...cluttered desk and a cluttered mind. That's what dad used to say. As a fresh mouthed teen, I said then a cluttered desk must be better than an empty desk; in jest, of course.
Hubby has gone fishing for the day in the new boat. We bought it from The Computer Lady's hubby. He LOVES it. And so do I. I love the time having the house to myself. I love him, too. But ALL women need a little alone time.
SEEYA!
7-8-01
Sorry I haven't written in so long. I've had a worried mind, and still do. Not work this time, but family. When it comes to family, headaches of a job become minor pests. I went to WV last weekend to visit my Mom & Dad. While I was there, the doctor called with results from her CT scan. They think her ovary & liver are covered with cancer. Her health is so bad already, she can't be told. So we all have to act as if nothing is wrong. A woman's mother is her best friend in the world. At least mine is. I have NOT been handling this news well at all. I HAVE been requesting prayer for Mom & Dad (who is in denial) all over the net. I'm asking all who read this to pray, too. Dad tries so hard to take good care of mom. He has committed his life to caring for her since her heart attack two years ago, and done very well at it. But he has become so fragile & nervous. I'm very worried for him. The doc said mom's liver is still functioning, and dad took that as good knews that meant they were probably wrong. But he also said that in some test he ran, there is a cell that is not to be over 35 and mom's is over 600. Dad doesn't want to hear that part. Maybe denial is his only way of carrying on. I don't know. He says he must go on faith that Gog will heal her. This scares me that he may be confusing his will with God's will. If the outcome disappoints him, I fear his faith will be damaged. Or am I having too little faith? I really don't know. I've just been falling apart at random lately. Had to disappear into the office awhile last night to let out some insistant tears. I lost control, I admit. But if I can make it working through this coming week, I'll go up there for my vacation. It's just making it harder than ever to deal with a bunch of lazy men and the rude, arrogant customers. Thank God there are more good ones than bad, or I couldn't last a day.
Till next time; Chris
7-24-01
Long time. Been extremely sad. Lots of BAD things going on in my family life. Since the doctors think my sweet little mother has cancer, I haven't been dealing well with this AT ALL. Seems all I can do is pray and cry. Yes, cry. Loys of crying. Not doing very well blending that with working with the public. Seems once I finally cried, I'm like a leaky faucet. Don't know when or where the dam may break. I'm taking the anti-depressants the doc gave me (most of the time), and it DID help curb the headaches. But I guess there is no magic pill to help with the thoughts of losing the best friend you ever had. Especially to something so horrible. Yes, the dam is bursting now. But I thought writing here may help a little, as I feel totally helpless. Trying to work like this, being 250 miles from my parents, sitting in front of a computer on my day off with tears streaming down my face, alone, forces me to realize how totally BAD I have screwed up my life. If I'd have had half a brain, I would have done everything differently years ago. But, I didn't. I'm not fool enough to say we have to play the game with the hand we are dealt. I KNOW we play the game with the cards we have chosed from a face up deck. So we shouldn't whine because we have a deuce when we had a deck full of Kings to choose from (Yes, now she gets down to the nitty gritty). But I have to wonder if there are any Kings. I think only in fairy tales. It is my experience that even a dependable? spouce will let you down when you need them most. That's what creates affairs and infidelaty. My vacation was last week and WE spent it in WV. My sister lost most everything she had in a flood, my Mom is ailing fast, and my Dad is not really able to take the wonderful care of her that he does. But he does anyway, without a complaint (a king, perhaps?). My husband drove up & halfway back (slept the other half). He has fished all day every day since we got back, with the exception of Sunday, the day we went to our son's house to celebrate his 25th birthday. We were supposed to be there at 2:00, so he came back from fishing at 1:15 (of course I bought the gifts, as usual). He's still not back to work, stopped doing any cooking either, and when I came in from work last night to no porch light, I found him sleeping on the couch. Of course, when I went to bed, he was up watching TV for the night; gone back fishing this morning. When I came in & woke him, I said, "Looks like I'm either gonna have to get a flashlight or just quit coming home at night". Fair warning? Of course not. People only hear what they want to hear, then say "I don't know what happened. I've been perfect". But I've never lost a parent before and seeing them going down hill like this is the most stressful situation I have ever found myself in. If I have to go through this alone; if I CAN go through this alone, I can also go through the rest of my life alone. Because if I ever needed someone to hold me, it is now. And that is something I have cheated myself out of. But I knew that when I came back here years ago. I accepted that if I stayed in this relationship, I would have to depend on me and only me. But over the past few years, I've been sucked in to the idea that things had changed; that I had the perfect marriage. WRONG. Nobody does. I have freedom, and freedom has it's price. Yes, I had another option. It was one I knew I couldn't live with. I'm an independant woman. I like to have my own vehicle, come & go as I please, and make my own decisions. I could never handle being anyone's posession, no matter how much he loved me or provided for my financial needs. I'd go nuts! But it seems I am getting there on my chosen path anyway. SOOOOO.......the cat's out of the bag. Guess I'm not so independant after all if I need a shoulder to cry on and someone to hold me and reassure me. No; it wouldn't fix things. It would only make them a little easier.
I am just not holing up my strong, proffesional appearance very well at all! I do fear that my tears will erupt at work in front of someone without notice. Awhile back, Doc reccomended that I take some time off work. I was too stuborn. I may HAVE to soon. I NEED some time with my Mom while she is still here. I am having TOO much trouble controlling my emotions. I called & spoke with her & Dad on the phone today. She said "Don't forget to be praying for me. I'm just SO scared". I said I was not going to forget, and that I pray for her everyday. If she only knew. I also assured her not to be afraid, that she is an angel, and God takes care of all his angels. I reminded her that He said that He never gave us the spirit of fear, so that must mean that fear is something the devil gives us, and to not let him get to her. Again; if she only knew. I'm petrified! I want so badly to be there with her. But I don't want her to see my fear; and God forbid she see my tears.
As for here on the homefront, I WILL continue to hold things together, til death do us part. I took those vowels & have no choice but to honer them. I was just saying, I can certainly see what happens to a lot of families. Sometimes one of the two gets so self absorbed that they don't even see that the other one is ready to sprout wings and fly. That's why I've always said "When a divorced person says they don't know what happened to their marriage, they thought everything was fine, that is the person who destroyed it; that person left the marriage first".
SEEYA!
