04-09-04
Sorry I've been away so long. I have a three day weekend for Easter and could spend it all right here catching up if I didn't have so much that needs doing. I have spent some hard times and learned a lot since I really spent any time here. But for now, I will update as to my here and now.
I have moved back to where I was when I started this diary. I would like to say that all is well here now, but that would be a fairy tale and defeat the purpose of a diary. A diary must be truthful. Things here are pretty much as I left them. One thing has changed a lot; me. I have learned what it is like to pay too much for heat and not get enough to keep from being too cold in the winter. I have also learned that people are going to do as they please, and the only actions we are responsible for are our own. Once a person becomes an adult, they have the right to self destruct if they wish, and we have the right not to go down with them. It is possible to accept unacceptable behavior if we must by ignoring it and going on with our daily routines. I learned that we should not judge others by the company they keep. They may be just as annoyed as we are. Human compassion is something we need to have more of while judging less.
On the job front; I'm just okay. I have been there over a year now and am still not sure where I belong. But I go to work every day, give 100%, clock out and come home. In return, I get my paycheck every Friday, I have my weekends free, and am off for holidays. That about sums it up. I guess that's all a person can ask.
I added some ad banners at the bottom of the pages to try to stop the popups. Each one has a picture of my home on the left corner, which I thought was pretty neat. I'm used to my diary being here and don't want to move it if I don't have to.
I've started selling a few things on ebay and at Amazon.com. I would really LOVE to be able to get into business for mysel, but don't know just how (or what) yet. I stay exhausted lately it seems. Maybe it's just mild depression. I don't know. Seems I don't look forward to going to work, and at the end of each day, I don't look forward to coming home.
But I had a wonderful visit in WV last weekend. It was so nice being with people who truly love me. I've been away for 15yrs. now, and have started asking myself why. I see the kids once a week, if we aren't all too busy. Wow. Guess I'll never feel right at home anywhere....in this world.
Time to get off here. Hubby is fishing and I'm playing catch up on the laundry. I hope to be back here sometime again over this long weekend.
Til then........
04-18-04
Hi there. Alone at last. Mr. Man has gone fishing again. It is Sunday evening, 6PM, which means my alone time is almost spent. No, I did not get too much of that while I was living alone. I got quite a few things, but lonely wasn't one of them. I ejoy time at home alone. Actually, I work too much to get lonely. If a person works at least 40hrs. per week, lonely should not be an issue. You may say "coworkers are not like having someone who really loves you with you". Well, many times marriage isn't, either. Too much of anything is still too much. I have accepted the reality that he will never work a regular 40hr. week job again. I have also accepted that he will never learn to clean and take care of everything on the home front as I did when I was the one at home raising our son. What I have a hard time accepting is so little privacy and time alone. Women need that. Don't get me wrong; he is not a bad person. He has never raised a hand against me. I think he just hasn't learned to be comfortable alone in his own skin and I have. Make sense? Of course I don't. LOL. But rambling sure is a relief.
Anyway, back to work in the morning. I have caught a lot of laundry up this weekend. Seems I come home every evening too tired to do anything these days, so I spend the weekend playing catchup. Sure isn't the life I had planned for myself, but my energy level has gone to ground zero lately. I have something wrong with my left kidney that is yet to be diagnosed and the pain killers he gave me simply make me sleepy. So I prefer fighting the pain on my own to that. When it gets severe, I take one. They are "just a mild muscle relaxer; non addictive. So be sure and take them when you need them", he said. I had taken them before, after that wreck,with no affect. I guess my system has weakened, because they kick my butt now!
I think hubby is going to visit his dad tomorrow if he doesn't postpone it again. He was supposed to go Friday. Man, if I had as much time off work as he does, I'd spend most of it with my Dad, while I still can. I love and miss him very much, along with my siblings. But there again, he and I differ. I have a big, soft heart. It has hardened in some areas over the past few years, but not where my Dad is concerned. He has always been nothing but good to me. He worked everyday and saw to it that Mom and all his children never needed for anything. Of course in return, Mom saw to it that food was ready when we were hungry. No. We never got hungry. Mom saw to it that we never did. As for me, I rarely go to the kitchen these days. I go there when I feel the need to grab food. My son is an adult now, living with his wife. I don't feel responsible for anyone except me. Ha! That's a full time job; one I'm not too good at. Seems I have aged 10yrs. in the last year.
Well, gonna get off here now and finish my laundry. Can't sit in this spot any longer. Later...
04-25-04
I have had a weekend all to myself. Hubby went to visit his father and will be back sometime tonight. I had thought to do many things, and did a few, but mostly just rested and watched movies. It's Sunday evening and I haven't left the house since I got home from work Friday. Wouldn't I make a good house cat?
I guess I lead a pretty dull life right now, as it is taking everything in me just to function. I have a kidney problem that is getting more painful every day. I will ultimately end up seeing a specialist who can do some blood work and other tests I suppose. I like the personality of the doc I've been seeing for it, so I asked him to try to fix it rather than send me to a specialist. At this, he called a friend who is a specialist who said he'd walk him through it. He was supposed to get everything together and call me in a couple weeks to schedule the test. That was three weeks ago. That was time for me to think, AND time for the pain to get more severe. He should have at least already done blood work, but didn't. My insurance allows me to choose & schedule my own specialist, so I guess I will. I had a problem years ago and had to go to a urologist and had a bad experience. That's why I'm reluctant. But this has gone on about long enough. I'm starting to feel like the guy on "The Green Mile". Something has to give. Seems after I turned 40, my entire body started falling apart - piece by piece. Now, if I don't paint it on, my face has no pigment, and my stomach stays so swollen I look pregnant. The worst part is that my strength is gone. Although I have pushed myself into keeping up the pace, I have to get help lifting things that were nothing to me a couple months ago. I just don't know where to go. Seems doctors are inhumane with the anatomy theses days, and I'm just plain scared.
Well, that's my confession for today. Gotta get a few more things done, as it's back to work tommorrow. Perhaps I'll pick a specialist from the phonebook and make a call tommorrow; maybe. Such a crap shoot. Wish me luck.
07-04-04
Happy Independance Day! As for me, I am blue to the bone. I wish I had never moved back here. Yes, he cares more about me than anyone else in this world, but that is not enough to brag about. Yes, he was the one who stood by me and took care of me when I was sick as a dog and going through a colenoscopy. He was all I had and still is, although he was more drugged than I and still is. THAT is enough to be blue about. Two years ago on July 5th, I walked out this door for the same reasons. I copped out on being alone and am back here now. Duh. He wanted to go to the Threshers Reunion today with the kids and I said no. Not me. I have opted to sit in this house and not share my fried misery with others; with the exeption of anyone reading this. I have always enjoyed going to that event, but have recently discovered that I don't enjoy anything anywhere with someone who is plastered. Of course, he denies it when I confront him..."Honey I swore off pills when you came back and I'm doing good". A blind woman could see that he stays wasted again. I made my bed of nails, so I'll stay in it this time until I die. THAT is something I dread less the longer I live this cold existance. No, I would never harm myself physically. That is in God's hands to decide when we leave this world. He is a merciful God.
Just had to get this off my chest somewhere.
Til next time...
07-16-04
Ahh. Finally Friday. Not so long ago, I looked forward to my days off because that was an opportunity to truly enjoy life, without having to watch the clock. Now, I just look forward to the rest. My stress level stays so high, relaxing is not an option. Yes, I messed up. But sometimes, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. No, I'm not cursing. I mran that in the true sense of the word. But at this moment, I am finally alone in the house a few moments, and I'm TRYING to relax. Of course, that will stop at any second. Knowing this kills the sedative affect. Gotta go. Can't do this right now.
09-04-04
Wow! Where does the time go? Time to turn the page for sure.
