09-04-04
I know I didn't choose an attractive color for this page, but I don't feel very attractive lately. Stress seems to rule, at the best I can do. I just seem to barely function lately; kind of like a human doing instead of a human being. Seems I am staying extra busy, acomplishing very little, but constantly on the move to prevent thought. Make sense? I guess not, but it is honest. How is it that I feel so lonely when I am never allowed even an hour alone? Guess I picked a poor time to write here, but needed badly to let some of this out. Haven't written here in a long time, because I was waiting for a more posative outlook. It didn't come to me. Seems like not so long ago, I was actually happy enough to laugh real laughter. Now, I feel like an empty zombie. I go through each day like a robot, just looking forward to the moment I fall asleep at night.
I picked a very poor time to write here. Guess I'd better let this go for now. I HOPE that one day, I will return with a better attitude, happy to be alive, and smiling as I type. Right now, I think I will do best to try to maintain numb.
09-10-04
It's Friday evening at 6:30PM and I have finally come here in a better mood. It's about time, isn't it? No, nothing great has happened to bring it on, although I have somehow gained a little time alone this evening. I don't know how. Just came home and nobody was here.
I think I know what keeps me feeling so dark. I just had to step outside myself and look at the life I lead. Picture this:
I awake every morning to a man in the house. When he works, he leaves the house an hour before me. During this hour, I am getting ready for work. I go to work (5 minute drive) to serve men from 7:30am until at least 5pm. My boss and my boss's boss are men. My coworkers are men, and 97% of my customers are men. When I come home, there is a man here. I have no non-man time! Yes, I do lunch alone, but most of the time my waiters are men. Sorry, guys, but too much of a good thing is still to much. Imagine yourself surrounded by women that much (but keep your minds out of the gutter.lol).I have two female friends here whom I love dearly, but we never have time to spend together. One I used to work with, so we did lunches. Now, we just visit when we can, and that's not much. The other I have almost lost contact completely, with the exception of an occasional email. Another words, I have NO social life. When weekend rolls around, my chores seem overwhelming here, as I don't get too much done of the evenings anymore. When I lived alone, I did my laundry and cleaning after work. But the keyword there was ALONE. I simply cannot get anything done trying to work with a man in the house. When I was alone, I put some loud music on and pushed myself into my second wind...much different than trying to accomplish something with a TV always on.
Wow! Guess I've figured out my problem. Now to figure out the solution. Hmmm. I've tried explaining how women need time alone. Okay. MANY times. Yep. I have a little time right now and I'm on the computer. Give me a break. I've been working all day and I am TIRED. Oh well. Maybe he will go fishing tommorrow if it doesn't rain. He does pretty often on weekend mornings. Guess I just need to chill out a little and realize that I CAN'T have ALL of my home time alone. Right? :)
Later! Gotta grab a shower now.
11/17/04
Can't type long, as my hands are shaky so sorry for any typos. Got allergic to a guy at work and couldn't breath around him. Went to doc yesterday and learned I now have athsma (? can't even spell it). Anyway, he gave me meds that make me shake like a chiwawa. BUT...I finally went outside this evening and could actually breath out there! I see him again Friday and will return to work when I leave his office. I HOPE I'll be over these trembles by then. Meanwhile, been spending too much time on Ebay. So I finally started selling some on there to offset my buying. Lol. I also added a poetry page on here.I'll add a link to it.
Later!
P.S. If you don't have paypal, I've added a logo to get it too. It's cool to use for buying and selling with credit cards.
04-12-05
Someone emailed me that I hadn't written here in awhile, and he is absolutely right. So here I am again.
Seems I only write here when something is wrong, but that is due to staying so busy with a manic schedule when all is well. What's wrong now? I'm not sure, but probably arthritis. I see a specialist tommorrow, who will hopefully find out. All I know is that pain has kicked my butt lately. I've had problems with my neck since the carwreck several years ago. But lately, the knot on the back of my neck stays like it's in a vice and now, there's also a big knot on my low back. I had hoped to ignore it away, but the pain became too severe, so I saw a doc a couple months ago. He gave me meds, which made me forget the pain a little while, but never really touched it. I started going to bed about an hour earlier to give the pain time to ease enough to let me sleep. But it kept getting worse, so I went back to the doc to find my blood pressure too high as well, which he said was caused by the pain. He took blood and just said it's arthritis and increased the pain meds. I do not like narcotics in low doses, much less increased. To make a long story short, I have to see a rheumatologist tommorrow. Hopefully, his tests will find the problem and tell him how to treat it, as I am not dealing well with the constant pain and weakness. Whatever it is is draining the life out of me, and is starting to make me angry. I know that is not rational, but neither is constant pain. It has a very negative affect as the months go by. Been pushing myself twice as hard lately to get half as much accomplished, and that angers a type A personality.
Been doing fairly well selling on eBay, but am taking a break from it, too, for now. No, I haven't uncovered my secret fortune. Lol. But it is a fun hobby and I've met a lot of nice people there. My ebay id is crystalkmurh if you ever want to check out my auctions (once I get back with it).
Just got kicked offline. This dialup is getting worse all the time. Guess I'd best get off here, as it is now 9pm. All take care; Chris
04-14-05
It is 10AM and I am at home. Normally I would be at work this time of day, but after Monday’s performance, I assume this is the best place for me. My coworkers haven’t a clue as to what I’ve been going through. I hadn’t written much here over the past several months because I had such a busy schedule. But over the last few months, it has been all I could do to get my day in at work while trying not to show the pain I was in. I generally do my household chores over the weekend, as I had come to the point that evenings required me to rest. It has been dark and rainy here for several days (feels like weeks maybe) and this past weekend, I was in such pain, I just couldn’t accomplish anything. So on Sunday, I took a total day of rest. Although I spent most of the day in my bed, I really wasn’t at rest. My entire spine felt as though it was in a vice. I had hoped resting would fix it, but when I got up for work Monday morning, I could hardly move. I pushed myself out the door, forced the imitation smile on my face, and did my best to take care of business. Unfortunately, my current job is to take care of the inventory in the parts department at work, which consists of two floors, both concrete, including the stairs. Felt as though every 10 pound part I lifted weighed at least 50. I suppose I have been getting more irritable with the men I work with in spite of my efforts not to do so. But that half day work Monday really did me in. Anyway, I saw a rheumatologist yesterday who really put me through the tests. I think I have finally found some help. I had to go to a town 2 hours way, but if he will help me, it is worth it. He suggested rest right now, gave me an anti-inflammatory called Mobic, and told me to continue the pain meds my doc gave to me. Just studying my history and symptoms, he narrowed it down to 3 things, almost excluding the first because of my mobility problems of the morning: Osteoporosis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, or Lupus. He said he should have the blood test results within a week, and that if he doesn’t call by then, to call him. I surely will.
I am supposed to rest for two weeks to let the inflammation heal, but I work for good people who have handed my doctor’s return to work slips back to me in the past and have only shown concern when something was wrong. I’m sure that if I get to feeling better before then and want to go back, they will welcome the help. When I called them upon my return home yesterday, the cashier told me that she has Lupus. I didn’t know that and know very little about it. She told me that it can go into remission, as hers has, and if that’s what I have, I am more than ready for it to do just that. To be brutally honest, I would just as well be dead if my quality of life doesn’t improve soon. Whatever it is, it has made me miserable for a very long time now and I have come to the point of “can’t take anymore”. The doctor I saw yesterday seemed to realize that and asked me to be patient with him while he gets all my records, test results, studies them, and finds the correct diagnosis and treatment plan. I can do that, now that someone is trying. What I could not do was to keep increasing narcotics without a diagnosis other than “you have arthritis”. I already have a caffeine and nicotine addiction. I don’t need another. Have seen enough of that to do a lifetime.
Time to rest. Sit here too long. I’m Getting stiff. I am using wordpad to prevent getting kicked offline mid-sentence again. Hope to return soon.
4-18-05
It is 2:25pm and I would about rather be anywhere in the world as here. Yes, he is the only one who is always there for me. Yes, he took me to see the specialist last Wednesday. Does that make me love him? NO. Because I know that he is a numb individual. He loves me more than anyone else does and as much as he is capable of loving anyone. That is a starving portion of love for any human to exist on and surely has lead to resentment for being a block. When our son was barely a teen, he told him that he didn't love him, and that he didn't love anyone. Of course he was fried when he said it, but it was the straw that broke this camel's back. When he left for work the next morning, I took our son and left for WV. That is when I got the divorce. We stayed there for over a year while he got his act temporarily together. I doubt seriously if he is even aware that I left the living room, as I hear him still sitting there talking to me. Yet, I moved back here and helped paying off this house, this prison. This pretty little room that I have come to escape to. I expect him to barge in the moment he realizes that I’m not listening to his endless babble. Yes, my nerves are nearly shot again, and I feel powerless to move. I don't even want to go to town right now. I TRIED moving out of this, but it followed me on a constant basis. In his right mind, he WOULD be a good man. But his mind is burned up. I would rather be dead than continue with this loveless, thankless existence. But that is not God’s will. I am sure that all of this pain is not God’s will, either, but partially brought on by I don’t know what yet, and elevated by stress. I think I already need to get back to work. Anywhere but here. And that seems to be the place where I am needed and wanted. But my physical limitations have come to the point that my job was too painful. Perhaps the blood work or x-rays will bring a solution. I hope so, before I lose what is left of MY mind.
Dear Diary;
Thank you for being my comforter. Thank you for being here for me to lighten my load and ease the burdons on my heart and mind.
Time to move to page23, as I've written much, if not often.
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