09-26-02(Been a Long Time Coming)
I don't know exactly where to begin, so I guess I'll start where I left off - with the exception of filling in a few details that I had been leaving off all along. So, here it is.
I had been very frustrated with my husband. NOT because he was injured, but because he had given up on life. He was also over medicating, and always "leaving me" just when I needed him most. Oh, he was there in body. But he never seemed to know anything about me. I guess that is why I chose to pour my heart out in this diary. It sure didn't take the place of loving arms, but it was an outlet for me - and an escape. I had mistakenly thought that I was made of steel and didn't need anyone. I thought wrong. I realized that when the walls that I had built around myself started closing in on me. Then, one day not long after I lost Mom, I fell apart (and melted) in the arms of someone else. This was entirely my own fault. I should have left my husband long before it came to that. I had just been alone too long. I was heartbroken over losing my best friend, had been reaching out to a husband who could no longer even feel my touch, much less recognize my needs, and collapsed in despair. Do I regret it? No. Not for one moment. I had lost all control of my emotions and am glad that there was someone there to help me pull myself together enough to realize that it was time to get out. I did. I am not the kind of woman who could stay in a cold marriage and have a hot relationship on the side. I have always been a one man woman and I guess I always will be. I'm not throwing stones at anyone else. We all do what we must to survive. I've just never been a cheater. I will always believe in manogamy - but not starving to death for affection for the sake of loyalty. Loyalty is a two way street. I think if we stay in a relationship until we are totally miserable, it's time to get out. So, on July 5th, 2002, I did. It took some time and perserverance, but I am now renting my own place and have all of the accomodations I need to get by. I also have a better state of mind. Someone to hold me when I need it? I didn't have that before, but alone I have less reason to stress and need holding. My love life? Next paragraph.
I have met someone who already seems to care deeply for me, but I have my reservations about him. I can't help but question his motives, since he is younger than me, very attractive, and from another country. Someone very special to me who has been where I am warned me right after I left; "You will like having your freedom. But you sure will run into frogs before you find a true prince". She was on her own 7yrs. before meeting the man she is now married to. And the man I have been seeing seems to be too eager to marry me. He has never married, and I have been married almost as long as he's been alive! He has no children, either. Says he doesn't care, and that he only wants me. Ouch! Perhaps he thinks it doesn't matter right now, but I'm trying to look after his best interest as well as my own. I can't jump back in this soon, although I like him a lot and think he would make a good partner - for awhile. To me, marriage should last forever, although mine self destructed.
What about the arms that held me when I needed it most? Out of the question and out of the picture. Those arms belong to another. As I said, I'm no cheater. I will not cheat on my spouce, and although I am free now, I will not cheat WITH a spouce. Yes, the passion was wonderful in those arms. But that passion is not mine, so it shall never be again.
So, although I am now a single woman, I guess you might say that I am in limbo. But at least now there is a chance that one day, I will have a passionate life. Before I made this move, I had resolved myself to a passionless life, til death do us part. I was NOT my husband's passion. Something else was, that I could never compete with. That's not hard to figure out by reading my poetry.
I just drove back from WV and am pretty tired. Had some wonderful time with my family, and did some powerful thinking while there. Guess I'd best get some sleep. I'm on vacation, and may be moving again before the weekend is over. Lots of reasons. I like this little house, but it's looking like an apartment in town may be the smartest choice at this time. I HATE MOVING! Seems I just finished that. Oh' well. I'll elaborate more on that next time. Gotta get some rest right now. SeeYa!
Crystal
09-27-02
I have just re-read the previous two pages and feel the need to clarify something. My ex and I were legally divorced in 1990, when I moved back to WV due to the same problem. THIS is why I call myself single so soon after leaving this time. Mine has been a very complicated life all of my adulthood (most of my childhood, too). When I returned to him a year later, we never remarried, so we are legally divorced. He says I will be his wife as long as we both live. That is how my Dad thinks, too. I felt that way at one time, due to a commitment to the vows I made to God. I had stayed with him, not because I was happy there, but I thought I had to. After my passion turned to anger, I stayed. After the anger turned to bitterness, I stayed. Eventually, the bitterness turned into a numbness that I thought I could live with for the remainder of my life on this earth. I had built a wall around me that I thought could never be penitrated. I had become strong enough to work every day, whether he did or not. I rarely knew exhaustion or pain, because I was numb. I survived cancer, being struck by lightning, and the worst accident of all, a life without passion. I'm not saying we never had sex. But there is a broad universe between having sex and making passionate love, then curling up to sleep in each other's arms because you can't seem to get close enough without crawling into each other's dreams. A body doesn't like or dislike sex when the person living in it is numb. It's just another thing that you do sometimes. I suppose when Mom got so sick, it opened my heart to emotions again. Losing her made me realize how short life is, too. As for my commitment to God, it is still there. I think that a marriage that God joins together cannot be torn apart. Unfortunately, my ex-husband had already found the love of his life before we married, and I was always second (at the best). Some may think badly of me for leaving, but I stayed MUCH longer than God required of me. I was living a lie, and that's NOT a Godly way to live. Anything that a man or woman places ahead of their family is an abomination to their marriage and will end it in due time. I won't say that I will not marry again. When I do, it has to be agreed that God comes first, then each other, and self last. I think that would create the perfect marriage.
It's Friday night and it looks as though I will be in this little house longer than I expected to be. I have been very confused concerning my boyfriend, and I believe most of my confusion has been outright fear. I realized that I care much more for him than I knew. I thought of him constantly while on vacation. I do NOT want to lose him, and I almost did, due to my fears. My dad said something to me that really opened my eyes, although if he knew it, he wouldn't have told me. He said that when he married mom, he had never even been to a wedding. But God put such a burden on his heart that he knew that if he didn't marry her, he'd regret it the rest of his life. Although I have been divorced since 1990, I always thought my ex would be the only man in my life, and this has taken me by whirlwind. No, we were NEVER together before I moved out. We didn't even know each other, except that I saw him where he works. He asked for my phone number once, and I told him that I had a husband. That was the end of that; until awhile after I left. We will face many problems together, due to different backgrounds and different faith. But I feel certain that we both love God deeply. That's more common ground than I've ever found. I believe with that in tact, all the rest will work out. But he moves really fast. We had a disagreement before I went to WV, and after I returned, he told me that he has another job and will be moving out of town - THIS MONDAY! Not too far away, but definately not what I had in mind upon my return. If this is right, and I believe it is, it will all work out okay. Anything worth having is worth waiting for. Time will tell. I know that I will miss him while we are apart. I am STILL a one man woman, and I finally realize that he is that one man now. Heck, I miss him when our jobs have us apart. Is this good? Time WILL tell. One thing is certain; coming from two different worlds, we need lots of prayers.
