TRUE STORY #49
GREEN OLIVES
Part I
Once upon a last Sunday, I had to go to my nazi grandam’s b-day. My white trash aunt was there with her two little shit kids. My sister was at work and I was waiting for her to get there. I don’t even remember how many times I called her trying to get her to come over... anyway, in the meantime of waiting for her to get her ass over there, I amused myself with hearing my cousin and her mom fight as well as my grandparents bitching in German and my mom giving me evil looks when I said something she might not have approved on me saying or doing. All the while I was eating those green olives with the pimentos in them. My goal: get the pimento out without damaging the olive. After doing that with dozens until I reached the final 10 in the bowl did I finally achieve my goal. Unfortunately when I was done, I realized I ate a whole bowl of green olives. My step-grandfather brought out more olives. My mom told me to stop eating them cos I’d get sick. Like an alcoholic, I told my mom, I can quit whenever I want. I know when to stop. And I continued eating the olives. I heard my sister’s car and ran outside to greet her. When she came in the back I sat down and heard a weird sound coming from my stomach followed by a rumble. I looked down and thought oh crap. My grandma brought out cake and made us eat it. I knew I couldn’t eat it but I was like a goldfish, just place the food in front of me and I’ll eat it. so I finish the cake and book it to the bathroom. I then sit in the bathroom shitting my brains out and my cousin gets all pissed cos she wants my grandma to open her presents so she sends my mom into the house to come after me to see if I’m done yet. I say no and I won’t be "done" for a while. Upon this response, my mom says, "well you better hurry up" and while she says that, my grandma walks in and says " augh, no she does not need to hurry." she then leaves and my mom says to hurry up again. Lo and behold, 5 minutes later, I was out. So we open the presents and what not and then Lori says we're out. I happily follow her to the car and we go home.
THE END
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