Most every guy I know of has had action figures as a child. Some were awesome, some were lame, but you loved them just the same. Everyone knew that half the He-Man figures would all be in a "special" class if they existed in our world, yet you treated them like heroes while you played. This article is dedicated to all of the Marvel Heroes who fought that brave struggle with their unique abilities or "handicaps" as what us normals would say.
10)Stealth Wolverine with Light Up Weapon
Wolverine is the perfect choice for an espionage mission. He has the agile body, the adamantium claws for those silent kills, and even a gay blue and purple costume for night time (with matching mask). However, I can only assume Professor X didn't think this was enough.
Prof X: Wolverine, we have a mission that only YOU are capable of; it requires extreme precision during a nighttime extraction and absolute secrecy. Are you willing to do this?
Wolverine: Sure Bub.
Prof X: One other thing, I'm not quite confident in your abilities from previous missions, you know berzerker rage and all. That's why I'm going to give you this prototype glowing tree branch, to help enhance your skills.
Wolverine: ...................
That's why he decided to equip Wolverine with a special "Light Up Weapon." The classic staple of the X-Men's STEALTH missions is a freaking light up weapon. I can't imagine Wolverine ever actually going along with this. Not only are they saying to use a big beacon of light for a stealth mission but they're telling him his claws arent enough, that he needs to use this big freaking glowing branch as a "weapon." Not to mention throughout the whole mission his face is contorted so much it looks like somebody just jammed his light up weapon up his rear. Wolverine, oh how you've fallen. Best there is at what he does, and what he does is whoring himself out to merchandise.
9)Dr. Doom
For those of you who don't know, Dr. Doom is a magnificent dictator of a small fictional country in Europe called Latveria. He rules his people with an iron will while always seeking revenge on Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four) cause he's his "only rival." Doom basically is a genius scientist that can make anything from an army of robots that look and act just like him to a freakin time machine. An action figure of him doing anything like that would have to be awesome. There's hardly anyway to screw it up. Yet what is included with Doom? A freakin gun and a steering wheel. I can't imagine a reason why Doom would need either of these things. His hands already shoot power blasts or some crap like that and there's never been a situation where having a random steering wheel has helped anyone. "Power Driven Weapons" my arse. As in all of Doom's master plans, there is one fatal flaw, in this case the lack of the vehicle the wheel could be used for.
Doom: Doom's Jeep Grand Cherokee shall make you weep Richards! FALL BEFORE THE MIGHT OF POWER STEERING!
8) Beast
The acrobatic Henry McCoy of the Uncanny X-Men, he is the furry mutant with an intelligence to match his dexterity and agility. His amazing action figure comes with a bar of some sort that I never really understood, and an inate "Mutant Flipping Power!" Yes what you would do is scrunch Beast's legs all up and then the springs would force him into a back flip. Note, there's no way in hell they could possibly have the action figure technology to actually make him do a perfect backflip, so he ends up looking like a backyard wrestler on a trampoline, with a landing as awkward as his face (and ironically on his face). It's a good idea, horrible execution. This ended up just making me a little more sad for Beast, knowing that while looking like a cross between a smurf and Coco the sign language gorilla, he also has the acrobatic ability of myself. At least they didn't go the route of half the Spider-Man figures and give him suction cups to stick on glass or something.
One of the only other things I hated about this figure was the arrangement of his hands. I assume the right hand in the figure was for holding a gun or that crowbar thing but the left hand is freaking awkward. For a character that runs around beating the crap out of people when he fights, this was a horrible arrangement. He either has to pimp-slap them or punch them like he was one of the more feminine X-Men, like Cyclops. Somehow, Beast just enabled the furry mutants of the world to reach a new low.
7) Apocalypse
Apocalypse is one of those villains that isn't around too terribly much, but when he shows up he somehow realizes he has almost unlimited power and can suddenly take over the world now. They loosely define his powers so that he can come in and stomp some X-Men with all sorts of new tricks and the reader will respect and think Apocalypse an actual threat. Personally, I thought Apocalypse was pretty cool until I saw his first figure. He looks so freaking old and like he had just gotten out of a hospital bed with all the tubes and hoses coming out of his body. His main feature is his extending arms and legs, so really he's like a old, decrepit Dhalsim from Street Fighter 2 that doesn't have the maneuverability, loin cloth, or yoga flame. All in all he was a pretty poor action figure that didn't do the character in the comics much justice.
Then came along Apocalypse (2nd Edition). At first glance, Apocalypse is freaking awesome now, he's ripped and menacing. Then, you realize they turned him into Trapjaw from He-Man. Yes we all remember Trapjaw from He-Man: the Skeletor lackey that always got the crap kicked out of him but had the cool arm with interchangeable parts. Apocalypse is now that man. He still comes with the trademark tubes although this time they came separate which eliminated that crucial step of ripping them out because they look retarded. So it all comes down to the addition of the morphing arm.
Now normally, most of the time, interchangeable parts on figures is awesome, but taking a look at old 'lypse's arms, he just took a large leap down that world conquest ladder. His arms that he gets to exchange are a mechanical claw and what looks to be a power drill. Yes Apocalypse is now just as powerful as one of your average Village People. Why anyone would morph their arms into these options is beyond me...I mean you already have strength and a hand, how is a 2 pronged mechanical claw going to possibly help you? Maybe you stick him into a gumball machine and grab his butt to operate his claw. Which actually helps to understand the way he has blue lipstick on...
Well at least Apocalypse can rest assured knowing he's gonna be around for ever. Although being an invincible mutant doomed to get owned by X-Men throughout eternity does kinda suck. Oh well, at least he can always rest assured knowing that while he's a loser and has a gay action figure, he still is cooler than 90% of all villains out there today...and that's sad.
6) Magneto
The self-proclaimed "Master of Magnetism" has long been one of the X-Men's most feared and respected foes. He's been around for like 40 years now and still makes the X-Men crap their pants every time they see him, even though they've beaten him more times than Michael Jackson's had little boys in his bed. I never really understood any super-hero's fear of villains they've already beaten; Spider-Man's really the only refreshing one cause he actually talks about how bad he's beaten Rhino and the like before. Anyhow, since Magneto does in fact have total control over the forces of magnetism, a figure of him is absolutely necessary. However, as far as I can see, his entire display of magnetism is to have a bunch of crap stick to his chest with magnets. So instead of looking like a "Master of Magnetism" he looks like some hilariously pitiable magnet that can't control anything and just has metal fly at him constantly. And that's not even mentioning the helmet, man that thing could fit him and a few of his acolytes in it. How could the X-Men possibly fear someone that looks like Darth Helmet from Spaceballs?
