5) Silver Samurai
Silver Samurai is a villain that to be honest, I don't know to much about. He always seems to be fighting Wolverine and I think he had a flaming sword or something. But he was a samurai, and as we all know, ninjas are sweet. I hated this figure though when I got it. First, its arms have no elbows and its legs can bend only at the knees. With only like 4 or 5 points of articulation, can you really call this an "action" figure in the first place? Second of all, he comes with no real accessories. His package with exclamation states that he has "METAL SAMURAI ARMOR!" This "metal" feels surprisingly like plastic, and in fact makes the character look like he's wearing a dress while allowing no movement. So in fact, its like they put a handicap on the figure cause they thought he would take out purple Wolverine too easily in fights. He also comes with the helmet that is usually lost instantly and a sword thats smaller than his left boot. What a wuss.
Silver Samurai: Wolverine-san! I sharr cut out your heart and eat your river.
Wolverine: Bub I got an adamantium ribcage and what's all this river talk?
Silver Samurai: Do not mock Sirver Samurai! Everyone has a river!
Wolverine: Uhh....ok. Then I have an adamantium one of those too. Bring it Robocop!
4) She-Hulk
She-Hulk is one of the more believable Marvel characters. A high class lawyer who when she need a blood transfusion, was given blood from her irradiated cousin The Incredible Hulk. She was then turned into a hot green skinned powerful version of the Hulk who's power was only matched by her beauty...and her tremendous urge to wear leotards. Now, anyone with Hulk's power will back down from no one, because they have immeasurable strength and shouldn't be afraid of anything. Now what accessory could actually promote this ability and show her true talent and wrecking thugs? A "Gamma Cross Bow." Yes, a character known for just beating the living crap out of people's weapon is a Long-Range crossbow. I can imagine how the meeting for She-Hulk's accessory went:
CEO: Gentlemen, we need an accessory for She-Hulk that will show she's a true powerhouse.
Executive 1: How about a Super Punch Action sir?
Executive 2: What about a massive barbell to show she can lift tons sir?
Executive 3: She's the green one right? What about a cool friggin crossbow? Girls gots to stick in the back, even if they got powers!
CEO: McFarlane, I like your style.
3) Rhino
The Rhino is one of Spider-Man's perennial "loser" villains. He's the guy that Spider-Man spends more time making fun of than actually attacking. He usually ends up with his head stuck in a wall with the horns imbedded firmly. His powers consist of having a super tough skin that has been permanently bonded with his skin and super strength. His action figure also has the extremely tough skin, that's pretty much his major asset. Yes its this skin that's pretty much a suit of armor. So really his power is his tough armored skin. I guess then that the manufacturers decided that Rhino really just sucks as a character and decided to forget he had any powers at all. Their first boost to the character?A SUIT OF ARMOR. Yes, "Total Armor Rhino" now has a suit of armor to enable him to do the same damn things he did before to lose to Spider-Man, except now he has some hammers. Also, since its "Total Armor" you'd think it'd be some sort of suit or something that would pretty much envelop his body again or something. You'd be wrong. It's a set of shoulderpads, anklets, and bracelets. You know, I believe that its really just a typo, and instead the original planned named was "Totally Gay Rhino." Somehow, a character who's main goal in life is to get the crap kicked out of him by Spider-Man, just reached a new low.
2) Deathlok
Ok, I'll be honest, I really don't know much about Deathlok and always assumed he was just a runaway from a burn ward with a gun. He's really like a cross between the terminator and the aforementioned burn ward victim. I think he had some computers in him that helped him shoot or something like that but he really seemed like a crappy character always to me and most people really seeing how his comic didn't last long. I guess that's why they decided to make an action figure of him. Usually even if its a crappy character, the action figure can be cool. I mean this guy has the makings of a decent character what with part cyborg that...has guns. Well, he's really just super generic. That's why they had to do something that would put him apart from the pack. That's why they gave him "Hidden Cyber Strength". Yeah basically, they gave him nothing. That's pretty poor. I mean come on, at least say, "Gun with Hose action!" or something. Don't try to screw with kids, cause I'm sure out there somewhere is a kid who is still searching for some way to make Deathlok bring out his hidden cyber strength and just wreck all the other figures he has. But ordinarily, a character that has a BS accessory would in fact be the worst action figure accessory ever, but just look ahead at what just may be the worst mockery of action figures everywhere....
1) Sabretooth
Yes the number one worst action figure accessory belongs to the homocidal savage beast known as Sabretooth. And on the outside, this action figure is pretty freaking cool. Its a great rendition of Sabretooth that shows him as powerful and a deadly force. They must have decided that he needed a debilitating weakness through all of this and that is why they gave him his secret ability: when you squeeze his legs, his mouth comes open. The box labels this as snarling action, but I think we all know that if you squeeze any man's balls between his legs he will howl with pain too. Poor Sabretooth, you know there's kids out there somewhere that just can't get enough of crippling Sabretooth's ability to ever foster children, and that's just sick. Here's a classic confrontation between Wolverine and Sabretooth, just how I picture it:
Sabretooth: GRRRRRAAAAARRRRR, I'm gonna kill you LOGAN!
Wolverine: (kicks Sabretooth in the balls)
Sabretooth: SNNNAAAARRRRRLL, HAHAHHAHA I feel nothing!
Wolverine: Holy crap bub, you must have adamantium balls or something!
Sabretooth: WHIIIIIMPPPPERRRRR, No, sadly I'm just numb from the pain.
