Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes
Drugs Win Drug War
World's Largest Metaphor Hits Ice-Berg
Local News Anchor Happy As Hell, Going To Take It For Long, Long Time
Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game
Man Swears He Was Just Vacuuming Naked
Coupon Clipper Expires
U.S. Populace Lurches Methodically Through The Motions For Yet Another Day
Transgendered Sea Anemone Denounced As 'Abomination' By Clergy
Mason-Dixon Line Renamed IHOP-Waffle House Line
QLTMKR Driving In Two Lanes Of Traffic
Everyone Involved in Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High
New 10-10-911 Saves Emergency Victims Up To 30 Percent
Lesbian Couple Enjoys Hot Lesbian Action
Violence Against Women Linked to Burned Pot Roast
New Rap Song Samples 'Billie Jean' In Its Entirety, Adds Nothing
134-Year-Old Man Attributes Longevity To Typographical Error
New Starbucks Opens In Rest Room of Existing Starbucks
Nation's Schoolchildren Call For Cuts In Math, Science Funding
Bush Horrified to Learn Presidential Salary
Second-Grade Music Student Goes Nuts With Cowbell
Routine Drunk-Driving Trip Turns Tragic For Five Local Teens
Worthless Dog Can't Talk, Drive, Solve Crimes
Trophy Wife Mounted
18-Year-Old Demands Right To Be Sexually Harassed In The Workplace
Miracle of Birth Occurs for 83 Billionth Time
Office Casual-Day Policy Hastily Rewritten To Exclude Unitards
Area Wildcat A Real Wildcat In The Sack
Supreme Court Overturns Car
Bush Reaches Out To Hispanic Community With Generous Tip
South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year
C-SPAN Releases Too Hot For C-SPAN! Video
Ant Farm Teaches Children About Toil, Death
Highlighting In Used Copy Of Plato's Republic Stops On Page 17
Standard Deviation Not Enough For Perverted Statistician
Best Buy Idea Box Brimming With Urine
New Instant Lottery Game Features Three Ways To Win, 19,839,947 Ways To Lose
Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids
Lite Brite Peg Extracted From Ear
Ritalin Cures Next Picasso
Winner Didn't Even Know It Was Pie-Eating Contest
ACLU Defends Nazis' Right To Burn Down ACLU Headquarters
Oprah Viewers Patiently Awaiting Instructions
Sudanese 14-Year-Old Has Midlife Crisis
Artist Starving For A Reason
Crowd Of Voters Cheers Patronizing Rhetoric
Tornado Violence: Are Tornadic Images In The Media To Blame?
Funyuns Still Outselling Responsibilityuns
U.S. Leads World In Mexican Food Availability
Cosmopolitan Offers 15 Tips For Fattening Up For Winter
Report: TV Helps Build Valuable Looking Skills
Sea Turtle Under Fire For Egg Abandonment
Evil Genius Gates Drops Windows 98 Into NTC Water Supply
Indian Teen Caught Playing Air Sitar
Hanes, Fruit Of The Loom Locked In Bitter Struggle No On Else Aware Of
Five Or Six Dudes Jump Out Of Nowhere And Just Start Whaling On This One Guy
Running Shoes Used Mainly For Computer Programming
Alzheimer's Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes
Beekeeper Wishes He Understood Women Like He Understands Bees
Ska Band Outnumbers Audience
Report: Depression Hits Losers Hardest
Customer Awkwardly Accepts One Cent, Receipt
Former Cult Members Find New Life In Christ
Baby-Shower Attendees Quickly Drain Box Of White Zinfadel
Hamburglar Urges Senate Subcommittee To 'Robble Robble Robble'
Brown Workers Put Company In The Black
7-Year-Old Told To Take It Like A Man
Maria Shriver's Face Resharpened
Freak Accident Paralyzes Man From Waist Up
Glandular Problem Causes Man To Eat Fifth Helping
Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested
American People Ruled Unfit To Govern
Little Debbie Conquers Jennie Craig In Midnight Showdown
Amaznig New Swiffer Fails To Fill The Void
New 'Time' To Keep Everything From Happening At Once
'I Provide Office Solutions' Says Pitiful Little Man
Woman Tired Of Men Staring At Her Breast Implants
Black Shopper Repeatedly Asked If He Works There
Lord Under Investigation For Failure To Provide
Woman Who 'Loves Brazil' Has Only Seen Four Square Miles Of It
Eight Million Americans Rescued From Poverty With Redefinition Of Term
Father Takes One More Look At Liner Notes Of Daughter's Britney Spears Album
8-year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second-Amendment Rights
Sperm Cells Unaware They're Swimming Up Large Intestine
Sales Disappointing For First-Ever Hustler Swimsuit Issue
Wife Too Busy Videotaping Elk Attack To Save Husbands Life
Home-Schooled Student Opens Fire On Breakfast Nook
'Farm Aid Aid' Concert To Benefit Struggling Farm Aid Concerts
New Grill To Revive Foreman-Ali Rivalry
Yak Chews Thoughtfully
Bargain Hunter Becomes The Bargain-Hunted
Wife In Lingerie At Least Gets Points For Trying
Inner-City Stabbings Leave Five Maidless
$500 Stereo Installed In $400 Car
Heat Wave Forces Johny Cash To Don Black Shorts
Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord
Teen Exposed To Violence, Profanity, Adult Situations By Family
Raped Environment Led Polluters On, Defense Attorneys Argue
Alec Baldwin Secretes Own Hair Gel
Your Neighbors: Should You Consider Talking To Them?
Augusta National Honors Tiger Woods With Own Drinking Fountain
Report: Aspirin Taken Daily With BOttle Of Bourbon Reduces Awareness Of Heart Attacks
'Leave Your Daughter At Work Day' A Big Success
Hair Carefully Disheveled In 20-Minute Ritual
Seven-Foot Tall Animatronic Rodent Terrifie Birthday Boy
Visiting Gore Calls Pennsylvania 'A Hellhole'
White Sprinter Finishes Fifth
Pantomimed Lasso Motion Fails To Pull WOman Across Dance Floor
Man In Suit Breaks Into Breif, Feminine Run
Local Man's Body A Really Big Temple
Gatorade Pledges $240 Million In Thirst Aid To Underquenched Nations
Man Who Actually Needs Grey Poupon Unable To Bring Self To ask
Rare Disease Nabs Big-Time Celebrity Spokesman
More U.S. Children Being diagnosed With Youthful Tendency Disorder
Denny's Introduces 'Just A Humungous Bucket Of Eggs And Meat
TV Muted While Neighbors Fight
Report: U.S. Children Lead World In Hand-Mouth Coordination
Notorious B.I.G. Cremation Enters Third Week
1,500 Dead In AT&T Cost-Cutting Measure
Computer-Generated Talking Cat On TV Delights Iowa Woman
Dwarf Fall Equivalent Of Ten Stories
Power Of Prayer Fails To Rid Jerry Falwell Of Unsightly Neck Fat
Burundi Beef Council: Please Send Beef
IOC: Many Viewers Of Olympics May Be Using Olympics-Enhancing Drugs
New Mommy A Lot Prettier
Hotcakes Sales Brisk
NFL Star Thanks Jesus After Successful Double Homicide
Community Voices - I Lost 32 Pounds In 15 Days And Died!
NYPD Apologizes For Accidental Shooting-Clubbing-Stabbing-Firebombing Death
Hulk Smash
Educational Puppet Pelted With Crayons
KFC Manager Robbed At Sporkpoint
Alternate-Universe James Hetfield Named Taco Bell Employee Of The Month
Awards Given Out Randomly To Skinny Blonde Women
Aspiring Filmmaker Can Help Next Person In Line
Civil War Enthusiasts Burn Atlanta to Ground
Massive Oil Spill Results in Improved Wildlife Viscosity
Stalin Announces Five-Year `Everybody Dies' Plan
First Grade Teacher Apprehends Urinator
Asian Man Has Thing For Asian Women
Most of these were taken from a collection of Onion articles called Dispatches from the Tenth Circle.
