TIPS PAGE 5 #837-1010



837) Never handcuff yourself to heavy machinery in protest of the destruction of the natural surrounding environment if there have been reports of a "wildcat" in the area. If you do and you see something greenish walking towards you do not think that it is an "alien brother". Calling it that will result in your face being bitten off.

839) If you are at camp and are having a paint ball gun war do not shoot at a burly man walking slowly towards you. Run like hell or you will get your arm ripped off.

847) If you have a twin, kill him/her and yourself. One of you are evil.

851) Never, ever, ever walk backwards, and I mean Never!

852) If some one is looking behind you with fear and dread don't look to see what it is.

854) If you see Elvira, Fangora, or Vamperella then its just a goof so don't worry to much.

856) If you have the choice between a flashlight and a weapon, taking the frickin weapon!

857) Don't fall asleep in the bathtub, you could drown! (or be drowned)

858) Always try and stay in the center of the room, keeping away from suspiciously low-lit corners, UNLESS there's a peculiar design on the floor or there's a chandelier. Both spell death for you.

859) Never try the first thing that comes to mind. Since you're in a horror movie, it'll most likely be and extremely stupid idea. Instead, try the second or third thing that comes to mind.

860) The less complicated your weapon is, the greater your chances of success.

864) If you hit the monster/beast with your best shot (usually right or left hook) and all the thing does is turn about and give you an evil grin, this is NOT a good sign!! Don't just stand there staring from your fist to the place where you hit the creature looking panicked, run! Don't even bother trying to hit the thing again, the most you would accomplish is bruising your knuckles.

865) If, in your daily routine of eating woodland creatures and foraging for food, you should happen to realize that you're actually a twisted freak of nature that has no place in human society, congratulations, you're the monster! Now, go find some campers, and make sure you kill 'em good so you'll have some sequels.

869) If you hear a noise in a dark place, do not investigate.

870) A good motive is hard to come by, so asking "why'd you do it?" will probably increase your chances of dying!

872) If the living dead are outside and the windows are boarded up don't go near them. No matter how well boarded the windows are a dead hand is almost sure to grab you.

874) If a body part becomes possessed or bitten by a zombie cut it off! Chances are you will survive and or replace it with some kind of weapon.

880) If you have a shot gun that is empty and the monster is coming at you load once and fire. If it has no effect run , more bullets will do no good. So please, do not keep on loading as the monster shambles towards you, fire!

881) No matter what they say; or what they do; Alien's ain't friendly. E.T. was a fluke--a freak accident. He is now shunned on his home planet.

883) When it's Valentine's day, that sweet, poetic ex of yours with those nice homicidal tendency's you liked so much (even though you still dumped him for a football player) might tend to get a little overly stressed, and you know what happens then. My advice to you is to break up with the football player; he's a dumb, soon-to-be-dead-jock anyway. Welcome your ex with open arms, he might help you with that guy who keeps hitting on you.

884) Spiders, giant or otherwise, should not be referred to as "Bugs" or "insects". This mistake has been made countless times in horror movies and should be corrected in the future.

885) Don't tinkle on the dead alien. It's not dead, and saying it'll be "pissed" is an understatement.

886) If you're a pump jockey, and this almost dead guy crashes his car into your pumps, babbling about how he "didn't get out in time", take this to heart and kill yourself. No sense lingering and dying from whatever foul disease he just gave you.

887) Rich people really ARE different. Kill them before they eat you.

888) Never assume that if the monster/killer is stuck in a deep well or a hole that it cannot get out. Usually it can crawl straight up the sides, jump out, or dig out. If a monster is down a well, just start dropping bombs down it.

889) If there are reports of a giant alligator in the area, now is NOT the time to have a wedding. It will of course show up and eat the bride and knock people into the cake.

890) If your dead friend comes back from the grave and tells you that you will become a werewolf, believe him and kill yourself.

891) If you find yourself all alone in a subway tunnel at night never assume that the strange "howling" you hear is a prank. Run and get out of there! Werewolves do not care if you threaten to notify the police, they will just tear you apart.

893) If a man with pointed teeth asks you to invite him into your house, DON'T!

894) If some guy who looks half dead comes up looking for something called the Bloodstone, you have, for the love of god, better give it to him and run like hell.

895) If your girlfriend dies, don't try to revive her with modern software.

896) If someone is running at you with a sharp object in hand, don't stop to think what will happen next. RUN!!!

897) Don't die!

898) Avoid running through forests when a certain hockey mask-wearing killer is chasing you. Chances are he knows the forest better than you.

899) Never open any box, coffin, crate, or anything that has been chained, nailed, welded, or wax sealed shut especially if it's been well hidden for a long time.

900) In general, since only one or two people ever make it out alive, if you think you've killed the monster and you look around and see more than a couple of folks...START WORRYING

902) Whatever you do, DON'T stand next to any doors or windows. Don't open any doors to outside either because the bad guy will be there. If you do, you deserve to die for being that stupid.

903) Never slap around or make fun of a doll because it is possessed by an evil spirit and it will come to life and kill you.

905) If someone starts arguing whatever solution you come up with, get rid of them ASAP. They're likely to try and steal your girl, push you into the pit or not open the door when you need IN!. Shoot the bastard, no excuses, as soon as you get a good chance to it.

906) If the rest of the house is well lit and you hear a strange sound coming from the only room whose light switch doesn't work... think about it. Don't take it as a circuit breaker slip, and get the heck out of there.

907) A smile is a beautiful thing, but remember, if it is on the twisted lips of a homicidal killer, it is not a good sign.

909) If you are planning on staying at a hotel for the winter take along a snowcat manual and a gun (hidden from your spouse of course).

910) If you ever hear any howling, even if it does sound normal, DO NOT assume it is someone's dog!!!

911) If you plan a surprise party for a guy that never shows up at a lake where many murders have occurred before, get out without asking any questions.

913) If you accidentally kill the last surviving cast member with an axe, thinking he/she was the monster, get over it and get the axe back....you'll need it later.

914) If you have a weapon, only use it if the monster isn't expecting it. Otherwise the monster will just rip it out of your hands and bludgeon you with it.

915) If your being chased by zombies, get in a room and lock the door, they're to stupid to turn the handle. Trust me, I got this tip from Resident Evil.

916) Pins in the head is by all means NOT a strange acne condition.

917) Before moving into a house, be sure to check for the following structural imperfections

1. Doors or paper thins walls that can be broken down easily by shambling corpses. 2. Windows built close to the ground that permit creepy crawlies to ooze freely into. 3. Creaking floors that can alert serial killers to your presence. 4. Whispering walls. (In case you did not know, this is not normal. Ignore the stupid realtor). 5. Excess closets or other alcoves that creatures can skulk behind and avoid bullets.

As a side note, if you insist on having a basement or attic, make sure nothing has died in either room before you moved in. Also order doors that open selectively and are made of some sort of indestructible acid-proof material--build them so that nothing can hide behind the stairs or anything!

918) Have you ever heard of the tip "Never take an elevator in an emergency"? Well, consider your options well in ANY means of inner-building transportation in a horror movie. For elevators: Never go in an elevator without a main character, and NO MORE than one. The occupancy should never exceed more than one panicked person. Be prepared to brace yourself to meet the ground in a uncomfortable manner if alone. If a computer is after you, avoid the elevator entirely. Never sigh in relief once you are onboard, this is like a siren saying "Here I am! Here I am! Kill me!!" Glass elevators are never a good mode of transportation. For escalators: Never wear any loose clothing that can be caught in the moving metal stairs, or be prepared to know what it is like to go through an electronic food processor. Go up the easiest route, not against where the stairs are going. For stairs: Take a few aerobics classes if climbing a tall building... there is no use having a heart attack and seeing the monster looming over you before you die. Oh, and close the door leading off of the stair well quietly so that it won't tell the villain where you went! General rules: The weight capacity signs should usually be followed. Green slime dripping down the walls of anything do not indicate it is safe to enter.

919) If you are looking for something bigger than a bread basket... don't look in the bread basket. Oh, and if the object you are looking for is small enough to fit in a bread basket, let's face it... you're doomed. But if you still insist on looking look before you poke your hand into the inviting darkness. But, if the last gesture involves shoving your face into a small dark crevice... think about it.

920) When running from a killer, monster, alien, etc... always hide behind a metal door. Most monsters can break down wooden doors. If no such door is around, RUN LIKE HELL and don't look back. I don't care if your girlfriend is back there she can be replaced.

922) When a little dude dressed in green says he wants his gold you better give it to him.

923) There's no good reason to move to, or even visit, any small town in Maine.

924) If strange things have been happening to you, DON'T stop and get something to eat. It will invariably be poisoned or turn into something wriggly. And drinking out of the carton is just asking for it.

925) Never bury a person in Pet Cemetery.

926) Transvestites are not more feminine, in fact in the movies they are horrific killers. If you see a manish women you better believe it is a man and a psycho.

927) After summoning the demons, do not go into the forest. The tree is on their side and will dismember/fall on/have carnal relations with you (Ow! splinters!)

929) NEVER trust the strange, odd-looking old man named Visser 3 that converts from human to andalite. You're head will roll two days after you join him.

930) If you hate somebody because of his "classic" 1957 car don't smash it and don't go near or threaten him, it could get ugly.

932) Check your nanny's references before you let her near your kid.

933) When you get in your car, always check the back seat before you take off.

934) If you really have to visit the cemetery for whatever reason, at least wait until it's light out.

935) Skip your prom.

936) Tell your wife/girlfriend everything at the beginning of your troubles; it will save time later and you'll probably be out of breath by that point.

937) Get a fly swatter and kill all of the insects in your house BEFORE using the teleportation pods.

938) If the trees feeder roots are out of the ground, just leave. Trust me, the methyl mercury did more than just mutate them.

939) Squirt all walking plants with a combination of sea water and Roundup.

940) Do not keep Venus fly traps on/near nuclear research facilities.

941) Under no circumstances allow yourself to be dragged up a tall tree surrounded with rocks by the monster..

943) Be superstitious... be VERY superstitious. It gives you at least a fifty-fifty chance of surviving the movie.

947) Always pay close attention to the dying words of any Scientist, military heavy-weight, or person responsible for creating the monster -- it is at this time only that they will divulge the vital clue for stopping the evil.

948) You will never be attacked by the monster when you are cradling someone during their dying moments. This is especially true when the person was violently savaged by the monster.

949) Large corporations or research institutes are NEVER to be trusted. They will put profit above your safety and the safety of all mankind in order to use the vicious, mutated monster as a weapon. (This, in spite of the fact that the beast has already cost them billions in men and materials during it's escape from the super-secret laboratory hidden away at the edge of town.) With their unlimited resources, they are able to hire vast private armies of security personnel, apparently straight out of the nations orphanages, since there are never any grieving relatives to morn them or file wrongful death lawsuits when they are slaughtered by the hundreds during the course of the film, either by the monster or by the hero while breaking into the complex.) Corporations are also able to mount vast cover-ups which only the hero is able to penetrate.

952) Don't tell Jason or Freddy to "Bring it on"!!!!

955) Never ever pee in the woods. Just hold it in, a little bladder damage never hurt anyone.

959) If you're the first person to be seen in the movie. Expect to die. Sorry.

960) If a jerk starts harassing you on the phone. Hang up. Star 69 is there for a reason. Use it, call the police, and get your rifle out of the basement.

961) If you hear footsteps upstairs, turn the TV full blast to get out of a squeaky door or window.

962) If your in a cabin with your friends and you see that the corkscrew is gone, do NOT(!) turn around and ask your friend where the hell the corkscrews off to. You'll probably just find it pierced through your hand.

963) Always when fighting zombies keep a lawnmower around the house.

964) Werewolves aren't meant to be petted.

967) There is always a weak link in the evil group that is after you... Find the person who does not exactly enjoy slaughtering innocents or devouring strange body parts and work with them! They will only turn on you when it is too late for them do anything about it!!

969) If you ever find yourself in a mummy movie, always listen to the guy that's wearing a fez. Just let the dead rest and don't touch anything.

972) When talking to a maniacal killer(s) on the phone, NEVER tell him (them) you'll call the police. Chances are they won't get there in time to save your skin.

973) If you're going to hide the truth about a murder you've just committed, make sure it stays hidden.

977) Never, EVER say to the clown that morphed into a space arachnid that you don't believe in him unless you're longing to loose an appendage. Also, aim for the light. Then rip out his heart/whatever with you're bare hands.

978) If your new neighbor: *is a strange recluse who you've never actually met, *works at night and is never seen outside during the day, *strongly dislikes Christianity and its symbols do not invite him to your house for a friendly cup 'a java and a nice chat. A vampire cannot enter your house unless you invite him. Even if you don't believe in vampires, remember the man is a recluse and let him be!

979) If your name is Skip, you'd better change it! If you don't, you will surely die. Monsters and maniacal killers cannot stand people named Skip and will always go after anyone by that name.

980) Pay careful attention to any strange words or phrases, especially if they are foreign words or phrases. Chances are, they will help you either save yourself or defeat the villain.

981) After running over a psychotic killer wearing a hockey mask, or any other kind of athletic, or even holiday, attire, don't stop the car and reflect on what you have just done... or even worse, get out of the car to see if said killer is really dead or just faking it.

990) In case of an emergency, kill someone!

992) If you stumble upon your dead friend, wife, husband that has a weapon lodged in their back pull it out and use it, don't cry about it and don't hesitate to pull it out they can't feel it!

993) If being chased by a killer, monster, or alien set your best friend on fire and throw him/her to the thing. Remember... better them than you, besides we all have to make sacrifices!

994) If being chased by zombies grab a baseball bat a sledgehammer or heavy object and climb a tree. If they follow bust them in the head!

995) If trapped from any civilization by a killer don't say "I'm going to make a run for it!" or "I'm going for help!" Chances are he knows you are going to try so he's probably waiting for you to come charging out, and BANG he's got you! Just let some other poor stupid dumbass say he'll go for help!

996) Don't ever watch pornography, bully people around, or act like you're not scared. Otherwise, you'll die!

997) Don't ever try to help a villan, they thrive on cowards!

999) Never give a Deadite a pencil.

1000) Never go swimming in a test site pool because it is probably full of flesh eating mutated piranha.

1001) If you are a coward, then you will be given one chance to redeem yourself; a test of bravery that is usually meant to save the main character. If you fail this test however and run away like a headless chicken, then you will most definitely be killed in some gruesome yet strangely appropriate way.

1002) Impending doom can always be predicted if the following is noticed (current top 10):

1. Strange objects appears out of nowhere. 2. Soft whispering voices or laughter can be heard. 3. Theme song giveaways. 4. It gets really quiet (too quiet). 5. You come upon a recently killed body. (Doesn't matter how the poor fool died.) 6. Small--seemingly innocent--sound such as scratching at the door can be heard. 7. You slip or fall into something gross. (i.e. slime, blood, etc.) 8. You believe that you are perfectly safe. 9. You sigh in relief. 10. You toss down your weapon after believing that "It is finally over"

1004) If the gun doesn't work on the boogie-man/monster/demon/psycho etc. use it on your self. Remember: Suicide is painless, or at least less than being caught.

1005) If you were once a main character in a horror movie and lived it's probably not a good Idea to return to the town where you once lived planning revenge on the monster. He/she is probably waiting for you and you will die.

1006) Never exhibit proficiency with firearms, martial arts, or any other form of self-defense. When the killing starts, you'll get hit from behind.

1009) Never ever try to take on the killer by your self. Always call for your back up.

1010) Always do what you were planning to do; don't go along with some last minute plan your friend came up with.


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