We sat in front of the fire, enjoying each other's company, oblivious to how quickly time was slipping away from us. Todd had to turn off his cell phone; if it wasn't Blair calling, it was Starr doing her mother's dirty work. There was an angry edge in his voice, even when he talked to his daughter; it was kind of like a quiet, bitter resignation to living with the consequences of his actions.
I was getting tired and I asked him to take me home. He was reluctant to do so, as if he knew tonight would be our final goodbye. I didn't want our night to end either; I wanted to continue to be treated like his princess. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way and sometimes, our wishes have to remain just that…a wish.
My mother used to call me her Ballerina Princess. She always said that before a ballet recital, "Teaita, my beautiful Ballerina Princess, I am so proud of you." That's kind of how I felt with Todd taking care of me; I was untouchable because he wouldn't let anyone hurt me.
"You'd better get home to your family," I commented.
"I'm in no hurry," he replied, trying to read my mind with that penetrating stare of his.
"Why'd you marry her, Todd?" Now, to be honest, I was a little afraid of what his answer was going to be. There must be some love, I thought, otherwise, he wouldn't continue to have children with her.
What I got, instead of an answer was a shrugging of his shoulders and a mumbled something that sounded like, "I don't know."
Me, being the ever curious and relentless attorney, refused to let him get away with that. "You never do anything without some sort of motive."
"Can't you let Blair go for just one night?"
"I can't, she's the elephant in the room."
He sighed and turned away; he was afraid of letting me see something on his face. I don't understand that, we've shared so much and he still won't let me in. Emotion, Todd's lack of, was one of the biggest problems in our relationship. He wouldn't let himself feel and I never wanted to be a mind reader.
"What?"
He turned back to me with eyes glistening with tears. "After you left," he began, "I didn't really have anything…I don't know…familiar, so I came back here." He stood up then and started pacing. "And Starr kept talking about us getting back together, or whatever and Blair was sort of familiar, so I gave my kid what she wanted."
"And settled in with the familiar?"
"Yeah, that's about right."
I studied his face, at its profound sadness and all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and let our mutual pain exit our bodies, mingling in some netherworld. They would burn in some emotional bonfire, unable to touch us ever again. I didn't because it would have been predictable of me and so wrong of me. "I want you to be happy; you deserve that."
"Yeah, whatever."
That was the extent of our conversation; he didn't want to talk anymore and I wanted us, for once, to end on a high note. I lay against the couch, closed my eyes and I guess I fell asleep because Todd's arms were suddenly around me and he was carrying me out to his car. I pretended to be asleep, savoring his warmth as it enveloped me.
*****
"Tea, wake up."
Todd was nudging me awake. The first thing I did was lift my hand to my mouth to make sure no unattractive drool managed to escape from my mouth. "Mmm," I mumbled, sitting up to my full height.
"Don't worry, you didn't drool."
"Good," I replied, smiling at him. I had a memory of a time when we woke up together and I would flip my pillow over, covering the drool. It's a normal bodily function, which occurs especially when I'm tired, but it was so embarrassing. Every woman wants to wake up beautiful, with every hair in place and breath smelling fresh. The drool, well, it ruined the whole image. He caught me once and started laughing and laughing. We joked about it ever since.
"Thinking about it too, huh?"
"Yes."
"We had some good times, didn't we?"
I nodded. "Well, I guess I should get going." My hand was on the doorknob and I was Meryl Streep in "The Bridges of Madison County."
I was wrong, Todd, I was wrong. I can't go, let me tell you again why I can't go.
His hand was lightly gripping my arm; just firm enough to stop me from leaving. "I'll walk you up," he said.
I touched his had and rested my palm against his skin. "It's okay," I said gently, "I'm fine."
"I know, but I want to."
As much as it pained me, I had to tell him "no." There was no argument on his part; he nodded and let me go. "Get home safely."
"Yeah, home." He wanted to say something more, but all he managed to utter was a "bye, Tea."
"Bye."
*****
I couldn't sleep. I drew figures on the ceiling with my eyes, happy images I would liken to Monet of Van Gogh. I was afraid of going to sleep, I think, because there was the fear of not waking up the next morning and the fear of what the next day would bring.
I thought about calling my Abuela, but why should I burden her with more of my problems? She would hurt enough once I found the courage to tell her I would probably die. It's so unfathomable; I'm too young.
I should call my brother, Del and let him know where everything is, just in case. I never thought I'd have to do this, tell someone where to find my insurance policies and my will. I guess it goes to show that we're never too young to start preparing for death.
God, I sound like I'm giving up and in a way, I suppose I am. I have never been a person to just throw in the towel, but that's what it seems like I am doing. There was a one woman show that I saw, although I can't remember who starred in it, the title was, "God Said Ha." I remember how odd the title sounded to me back then, but now, I'm thinking along the same lines. My story would be something like, "God Gave Me Paradise, Then Laughed As He Snatched it Away."
I rolled onto my side, only to come face to face with my expensive luggage that was lined up along the side of the bed. The night is just getting better and better, I thought. The clock read 4:15 am.
"Do you know where the man you love is?" I asked. "Across town, keeping his wife's bed warm," I laughed, though I found no humor in the entire situation.
*****
I think it was wrong of me to not tell Carlotta sooner that I was going back to New York. I parked my rental car on the street, within plain view of her house. It was loaded with my purchases; half of them still had the tags on them and would probably never be worn. I hadn't planned on leaving so soon, but nothing ever turns out the way we plan.
"Hello," I called. "Carlotta?"
"Up here, mina," she yelled from upstairs.
I took the stairs slowly; my strength already felt like it was draining from my body. I found her in Antonio's room, fluffing his pillows while he fought her with the little bit of strength that his body possessed. "Mami, stop it."
"'Tonio, the doctor said you shouldn't over exert yourself-"
"I'm not exerting myself at all."
I watched them from the doorway, smiling as she fussed over him. It would be nice to have someone like that for me during the coming months, but my mother was gone. I made my presence known before I slipped into a noticeable depression. "Hey, you two."
"Tea, will you please tell my mother that I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself?"
"Tea, will you tell my son to stop being stubborn and let me take care of him, or he'll wind up back in the hospital."
I threw my hands up and said, "I'm not getting involved in this, uh uh."
"Traitor," Carlotta called over her shoulder, but she had a smile on her face.
I sat with them for awhile, laughing, joking; being a real family. It felt nice, you know, to be with people who loved me and whom I loved I return. Time slipped away, as it always did with us. "Well, I guess I should get going."
"Oh," Carlotta began, "are you coming by tomorrow?"
"Actually, I'm going back to New York."
As Todd would say, she did the "bug eyed thing" and her mouth dropped to the ground. I'm not sure if she was more upset that I was leaving so soon, or the fact that I now lived in New York. "What do you mean you're going back to New York?"
"I have clients to deal with…and…and things I needed to get back to." I was scheduled to meet with a doctor Larry recommended. Oh, and there really was my practice and clients that I'd abandoned for the past several days.
"But you just got here," Carlotta said.
"I know and I'm sorry."
Antonio interjected; I'm sure he understood my need to get back the life I'd left so abruptly. "Mami, Tea had a life before all this junk happened; her world didn't stop just because I got shot."
Carlotta gave him the look, which said, "watch the mouth."
"Thank you, Antonio." I gave them both a kiss and disappeared with a wave.
