I never understood how some people could always be there exactly when you need them. I also never understood why me, a woman who prides herself on her strength can weakened by love. Yet, I was so vulnerable to it, it scared me.
I wish I knew Carlotta's story of the love she shared with the father of her children. She never spoke of him, but I could tell that he still haunted her, even though it had been over 20 years since they'd been apart. I think her experience may have been why she fought so hard to get me to get away from Todd. She probably saw too much of herself in me.
I couldn't allow myself to cry in front of her because it just wasn't my style. I let her hold me for a moment or two, before pulling away and stepping away from her. I could tell she saw the pain in my eyes, but I wasn't going to be the one to bring it up.
"Mija," she said in the gentlest voice I think I've ever heard, "I know it must have hurt you. I was hoping you didn't have to find out."
"Why not?"
"Because I knew how much it would hurt you. You love him so much, more than anything, I think."
I walked away from her and toward the window. I took a deep breath before saying anything. "We're through, and as long as he's happy, I'm happy."
"That's tough talk from you, but we know it's not the truth."
I wish she had let me continue to believe I was fooling someone. I don't think my pain is visible to anyone else; it's just that Carlotta had known me for virtually my entire life. As well as a mother, she knew me, and at that moment it felt very, very right. I thought, perhaps, I could open up to her a little. "I'm not going to pretend that this news makes my day, but there's nothing I can do about it."
"I thought about telling you."
"Why didn't you?"
"I didn't want to hurt you more…didn't know if you'd care…wasn't my business. But now, I see those expressive eyes and I see how much you still care for him."
"Carlotta, even you told me that you never completely get over your first love." As the words passed my lips, there was a look that glazed over Carlotta's eyes. She turned away, in an attempt to hide but I saw it.
"I did say that."
"So, this is only natural, right?" I think I was trying to convince myself more than her.
"If you want to talk about it, I'm here."
I hugged her again. "Thanks, but I'll be just fine and so will Antonio. That's who you should be concentrating on."
"I show no bias where my children are concerned."
I clung to her statement as I left the room. I didn't feel much like being around people. I'm so selfish, I thought as I weaved up and down the endless hallways. I couldn't stop thinking about him as I meandered about.
I don't think a day went by since I left him that I didn't think about where our love could've taken us if only I'd been stronger. I tried to get myself to think about something more pleasant, like how well my career was going. Proudly, I held the title of Manhattan's most sought after attorneys. I handled the high profile cases, as well as some domestic abuse cases; I didn't discriminate.
Any person with a record like the one I had should be proud. They should be happy, yet I just couldn't make myself get "there." I felt like a little girl again, trying to find her place in the world.
I wandered outside and onto the hospital grounds. My coat was lying on a chair in Antonio's room, carelessly tossed aside. Apparently, I'd become quite skilled at tossing things aside.
The grass was covered with a thin layer of snow, which crunched beneath the weight of my 3-inch high stilettos. I don't know where I thought I was going, freezing to death. The wind shifted and I caught a whiff of a familiar scent.
I knew he was right behind me without having to turn around. I stopped abruptly; he bumped into me. I kept my back to him and asked, very calmly, what he was doing?
"What'd you think of my son?" he asked, twisting the knife in my back.
"He's beautiful."
"Just like his mother."
I whipped around him, thisclose to slapping him with all the jealous rage I felt. "Is there a point to this? Or is stalking me still one of your hobbies?"
He seemed to find that amusing as that damn smile played across his lips. "The answer is 'no' to both of your questions." He looked down toward my breasts, which I knew were prominently on display.
I didn't bother to try and cover them; it wasn't as if he'd never seen them before. In fact, I poked my chest out a little more, just to play with him. He was always the one playing games, now, it was my turn.
He tried to put his jacket around me, but I shrugged it off. "Fine," he said, then put it back on. "Nice and toasty in here."
"Good for you."
We stared at each other, probably trying to pretend that the silence wasn't getting to either one of us. I glanced down at the bulge in the front of his pants, realizing he missed me as much as I missed him. At least it made me feel a little better, and not so stupid about still loving him. He may not have wanted me, but his body still did.
"It's cold out here, Tea. Can we go somewhere and talk?"
I couldn't believe he had the nerve to ask me if we could talk. The truth is, I wanted to go somewhere with him, anywhere really. I wasn't going to fall into that trap again, coming between him and his true love, Blair. I didn't need to get involved with that sickness that existed between them, so I shook my head and politely declined.
"Come on, we don't have to do anything, I promise."
How many times had a man used that line on me? I almost laughed out loud, but I didn't. Instead, I shook, my head again and declined…again. "What do we have to talk about?"
He sure knew what tactics to use to manipulate me. His face crinkled up, as if he was going to cry and when he spoke, his voice was filled with manufactured emotion. "I wanna know why you left. You owe me that much, don't you?"
I sighed, because I did owe him that much. I did something I swore I'd never do to him; I walked out without saying bye, or telling him one last time how much I loved him. "Todd," I said very gently, "you've re-married and you have a new child. What good will discussing the past do either of us?"
"I just wanna talk, that's all, Delgado. Please?"
"I am here for Carlotta and her family, Todd, nothing else."
"So you don't have time for me now?"
"I just think I should do what I came here to do; it'll be better in the end." I turned and started to walk away.
Like he'd done so many times during our relationship, he reached out with lightening quick speed, grabbed both of my arms and forced me to turn around and look at him. "Please? I can meet you somewhere, later, if you can't go now. Just do this one last thing for me."
Like the weakling I am, at least when it comes to him, I nodded in resignation. "Okay, fine, you win again. I'll meet you at midnight in my suite." I walked away before he could see the tears, dripping from my face.
*****
When I peaked in Antonio's room, still flying high from seeing Todd, he was awake, and alone. He smiled as I entered, and waved weakly in my direction. "Hey Mr. Vega. I see even a speeding bullet can't get the best of you."
"I told you when we were kids, I'm invincible."
"I believe you," I said as I sat in the empty chair next to his bed. "How are you feeling?"
"Alive."
"Well, that's always a good sign." I wanted to ask him what he remembered about being shot. When I was shot, I remembered very little, at first, then it started to come back to me in frames, like a film.
"I don't remember much," he said, as if reading my mind.
"You will. I just hope they get the bastard."
"Me," he coughed, "too."
"Take it easy there, you don't want to over do it. When are you getting out of here?"
"A few more days, at least. How long are you staying?"
"I'm going to stick around until you're released, maybe a little longer." I didn't want to be there, in Llanview, or in that hospital for a moment longer. There was too much history there and the thought of running into all those I left behind, well, it embarrassed me a little. When I left with Todd, that last time, I know they all thought I was foolish; they probably took bets on how long it'd be before I came running back.
"Mami will be happy about that."
"Speaking of Carlotta, where is she?"
"I told her I was going to rest for awhile and she should do the same."
I stood up, taking that as my cue to leave. "I'm going to go and let you get that rest."
He tried to smile at me, but it looked a little like a grimace. "I'll see you, Tea."
I kissed his forehead and told him I'd see him tomorrow. Then I left, lonelier than I'd been in a very long time. to be continued
