Todd leaned into Tea, resting his head on her shoulder. She didn't make a move to push him back. In shock, she couldn't even feel his arms wrapped around her. She knew he was there though, knew he it was his breath on her neck and his tears melting into her shirt. She, on the other hand, had no tears to shed for him, or even for herself. She had reached that point where she had nothing left to give.
His heart sunk at her lack of response. He sort of slid his arms underneath hers; sneakily attempting to lift them but they fell limply to her side. All he wanted was for her to hold him and say in her silent way that they still had a chance. When she wouldn't he held onto her tighter, tried to meld her body into his.
Tea had this pull inside of her, or maybe it was more of a push that prevented her from responding to his urgent need for love. Her arms were not controlled by her head, if they were, she would have held onto him for dear life much earlier. Gently she grabbed him by his shoulders and pushed him away. It wasn't in such a way that it made him hurt, it was sweet, almost loving. Kind of like the way she would treat Starr when she was hurting; push her away so she could see what was going on behind her eyes.
There was no sound to her voice when she opened her mouth. No matter what she could have said, it would have come out wrong and someone would have ended up hurt. She hurt so much and was so afraid of the truths that might spill from her mouth, she couldn't say anything. Instead, she eased over to the couch and breathed a sigh of relief.
He followed her; let his body fall down next to her, more on top of her than next to. As much as he ran, pushed, drove her away, he needed her touch more than anything at that moment. She had the ability to make everything okay with a smile, word or simple graze of her skin to his. But she wasn't touching him so it was worrisome. He had lost her. In a span of minutes, hours, not even days, he lost her.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry," he kept saying the words until they became cries.
Still, she could not bring herself to comfort him. Something was going on in her brain that wouldn't allow her to respond to him, even though that was exactly what she wanted. God, how she loved him, probably more at that time than ever. And she wanted to hold him and smooth his hair away from his face and tell him how much she loved him. All that came out was, "it's going to be okay" and even that didn't sound convincing to either one of them. "It's going to be okay, Todd," she said a little more forcefully.
Todd watched her eyes as they shone with unshed tears. There was a dull ache in his chest that became more and more painful with each passing second of her silence. Quiet wasn't in her nature unless there was a storm brewing within, as it was surely doing at that moment. "I never wanted you to know that part of me. I'd never be that way with you or anybody else for that matter, but especially I wouldn't be that way with you."
He spoke words of truth, there was no doubt about that but there were so many other things to doubt. Like if they would make it over that mountain that seemed to knock them down whenever they'd gain momentum in their relationship. Next thing they'd know, they would be back at the bottom of some mountain, clawing their way to the top again, only to be met with the same feat. It was all too exhausting; it required too much of them and with each failure, they were inching closer and closer to that moment of giving up completely.
He was this man, or animal as he was oft called, that had been brutalized by time and people and fate, whatever you want to call it and he kept on moving, kept on pushing to get ahead. He'd sink into depression and self pity, but somehow he'd pull himself up and keep on moving. She loved that about him; loved him for that. Then again, he had taken things out on other people. Maybe he shouldn't be commended; maybe he should be condemned by her. There was too much going on inside, everything conflicted with everything else and nothing made sense.
She shouldn't have been there being his shoulder to lean on, but there again, there was that "thing" that always pulled them together. "I know you wouldn't hurt me in that way."
He touched the side of her face, noticing for the first time that she could not look at him. She couldn't look at him the way she did, tilting her head and nodding in understanding. "Tea, look at me. God, please don't turn away from me. I don't mean to disgust you; I didn't know you back then. I wish I had known you but I didn't."
In a weird way, she held his fate in the palm of her hands. If she told him to go to hell, he would take it in the literal sense and make himself go there quicker. He wasn't that man Marty described, he couldn't be. She lifted her eyes to him, seeing him for maybe the first time. All pretense and bravado had faded away and there was just Todd, honest and exposed. "When I was a little girl," she sniffled, "I had this kind of recurring dream only I didn't know what it was. I can't remember the whole thing, but it was a typical, cheesy girl dream with Prince Charming and all. But my Prince Charming wasn't like everyone else's; he wasn't the one that everyone else wanted. He was different, and that difference was what attracted me to him." She wasn't sure if he could "get" what she was trying to say. And that was just fine because she wasn't exactly sure she wanted him to know that he was everything she dreamed of and she was so afraid and so concerned about what people thought that she was ready to give everything up.
Todd positioned his head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat, in an effort to reassure himself that she was there. He closed his eyes and listened to her voice as she mentioned something about dreaming. He started to drift off, and before he knew it, he had fallen into a deep sleep.
Tea stroked his head for awhile, pulling errant hairs away from his face. His breathing was clear and smooth and wonderful, like an angel. Sleeping, he appeared so calm, content even. She knew the truth that was within him and that there was no such thing as calmness in her world. The calmness was a temporary state, later, the nightmares would come. It was almost as if his body waited until he was at its most vulnerable and then…boom…his past would come busting through the door.
How could she be angry with him for something he did before they met? How could she not be? She wished he hadn't fallen asleep; there was so much left unsaid. For some reason, the anger started to fade away. It didn't make any sense, no sense at all. She was so angry earlier and then she was something else but she couldn't quite figure it out.
There was something growing inside of her and it was very frightening. She sensed it when he opened the door but she tried to push whatever it was deeper inside of her. She was sure that she loved him, but when he opened that door, she felt nothing. No happiness, no relief…nothing. It was a faceless man that answered the door and apparently someone she didn't know. She wondered if he caught the extra long blink that she was sure she took, trying to conjure up the image of his familiar and beautiful face. How could it have happened just like that? Did Marty's words erase who he had become to her and what he meant?
As he lay on her, she tried to remember the love that was there. He was the man who had taught her all about love. He was the man that she would give her entire life to save. He was a stranger to her.
He began to thrash around in his sleep. It was that time of night when he was the most peaceful and they decided to make their presence known. Those damned demons; she wished she had the strength to fight them.
"Todd, wake up."
He kept moving, but also started to mumble. "I didn't mean to do it. My head…something snapped…no control."
"Todd, you have to wake up now. Shhh, nobody can hurt you here. Just wake up." She was a fraud. For better or worse was only some weird fantasy constructed by people of the middle ages. Everyone knew that when worse came, people left. Just like her mother. JUST LIKE HER GODDAMNED MOTHER!
He seemed to calm down significantly as she spoke sweet nothings into his ear, words she wasn't even sure if she meant anymore. She told him that she loved him and he was safe with her. She kept saying "safe" like she could protect him from the things that haunted him so. It was a fucking joke. She had no idea what it was like in his world and he would never let that touch her.
She cried a little for the man he once was and might still be. "Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again." Isn't that what the jazz greats sang in their pained, knowing voices? Had they ever been to a place as low as she dwelled, or were they frauds just like her?
That's right. Trials are there to teach you. You learn, you move on, Tea. It's so simple.
"It's not simple. Nothing about my life has been simple and you know that. I try and I try and I try again but what do I get for my efforts? Not a damned thing!"
You've got him. You know you've got him like you've had no other. He's not perfect, nobody is but he just might be perfect for you.
Tea shrugged off the feelings that spoke to her. Then, she looked down at him, the faceless, nameless man on her lap and wondered if they would ever reach the plateau that all lovers dream of.
*****
In his sleep, Todd could smell her. He could almost hear her "Intuition" advising her. Telling her the obvious, that she should let him go if she wanted to save herself. And he wanted that for her, the freedom to love and be loved but selfishly, he NEEDED to be that man.
Dreams were funny in the way that they worked. They could be so real that they would become reality, if only for a few minutes. In his dreams, women surrounded him. Not lovers, though they were women that he loved. It was his mother in the light, pushing, pushing, pushing him away from her. Her mouth was moving in that slow, exaggerated-motion, telling him to go to her. He didn't know who she was, only that his mother was letting him go again.
It was Marty, telling him to "get help" and Tea loved him. "Get help" and he turned to another direction and saw Tea with her arms folded across her chest. She wasn't reaching out toward him like she had in the past. She was finished, her body said. There's so much more to go, her eyes spoke.
Then there was Rebecca, mouthing things about second, third, fourth and fifth chances that he couldn't afford to waste. She wasn't reaching out to him either, nobody was. They hadn't given up, but he had to find his own was through the dark tunnel that was behind him.
"Find strength," they said in unison.
He turned around and eyed that great tunnel of darkness. Tentatively, he stepped over the threshold from light to darkness, carrying the rest of his body. He glanced behind him one more time, looking for Tea but she wasn't there. Frantically, he searched the space for her sparkling eyes. He saw nothing. Shoulders hunched he stepped forward in the tunnel, when a blinding light flashed before him. He blinked a few times to regain his vision and there she was, on the other side, waiting for him.
"Come. Come on," she said, running away from him, giggling.
He smiled and started running after her until Peter blocked his way. "No way, you're not getting past me. She's on my side now."
"Tea! Tea!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.
*****
Somehow, she managed to slip away from his protective grasp. He was peaceful when she walked away; he even had the slightest grin playing across his lips. She really needed to do some thinking, at the same time, she didn't want to leave him.
She filled the bathroom sink with cold water and splashed it over her face. She had to think, had to find a way to pull herself together and make a decision. Limboland was never a place she liked to wallow for too long. She had a chance to glimpse herself in the mirror. It was a far cry from the glamorous woman she had transformed herself into earlier. The woman that stared back at her was rather frightening. She was beyond sad, beyond anything explainable.
"What's it gonna be, huh?" She wished that the answer would somehow present itself in the mirror. She didn't have the strength to make up her mind and stick to her decision when it came to him. She wanted her mother to be there, she was the one with all the right answers. She would have the problem fixed in mere minutes, but not Tea.
She jumped suddenly when she heard Todd screaming. Everything in the hallway flew past in a flash as she ran to his side. "It's only a dream Todd. Wake up!" Experience had taught her to step away when he was thrashing about. Things tended to happen when she was too close, that was the nature of their relationship.
In his dreams, he could hear her calling to him with that soft voice of hers. He felt himself being pulled closer and closer to her until he was finally there and his eyes popped open. The first thing he saw was her concerned ridden face and her head tilted to the side like she did. "Tea?"
"You were having a bad dream. Wanna talk about it?"
He shook his head "no;" his breath still ragged. "Are you okay? You didn't get too close, did you?"
"I'm fine." She stared at him for a long time, really looking at him. Searching for that monster that was so graphically described to her. She saw bits and pieces of that person throughout their marriage, but it was only for a minute here or a minute there. Right after he'd do something unforgivable, he would feel remorse and she would be right there to comfort him and tell him it would be alright.
"Do you have to go?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Because you've got that look in your eyes like you're trying to avoid telling me something." He hoped that she was only going to tell him she had to go because anything more than that, he knew would tear him even further apart. Anything more than that and he would surely die.
He knew her too well sometimes and that scared her. Never before had anyone been able to look straight inside her and into her heart. She didn't let people get that close and now there he was, reading her mind. "I, uh, I might have to go out of town on a business trip."
"Might? But you might not, right? I could go with you, you know, to keep you company. I know it gets really lonely being out there by yourself." He was trying desperately not to let her go. Somehow he sensed that if she left this time, he would never see her again.
She sighed. "I don't know. We'll see."
Again, he stared into her eyes. "You're never coming back are you?"
How does he do that? How could she leave him without saying goodbye? That was the trouble with letting her emotions get away from her. It was supposed to be career and casual relationships, nothing complicated because in the end, someone was always getting hurt.
