Through the crack in the elevator door, the white hand peeked through the narrow opening, revealing a splattering of orange freckles. Freckles he recalled with vivid clarity as he held those very hands high above her head. He was now the hunted, the trapped, the prey. His victim now became his attacker; his tormented was now his tormenter. The doors in front of him opened, revealing Marty's angry face.
When he used to look at her, she was nothing but the woman with the red sweatband in her mouth, writhing beneath is anxious frame. As she stood before him, he realized he had no more power of her. Not with the sort of rage and anger and pain whose story was hidden behind her eyes. He moved to one corner, as if he could become a part of those walls, as if he were a literal chameleon with the ability to blend into his surroundings.
She looked at him. Stared at him. Leered at him. Wished him dead with those eyes. Screamed at him without words. Tore him to shreds without uttering one single syllable. She was a patient predator, had waited years for the opportunity and she wanted to see him shift and sweat.
He found his voice first saying, "What do you want Marty?" His eyes darted around the hallway, looking for Tea, looking for a way out. Why wasn't she there with him? Marty must've turned her against him.
"I'm not afraid of you Todd."
"I don't want you to be afraid of me."
"I have some things I need to say to you. I've been holding this all in for so many years and I've got so much to say to you, so much, and I've got to say it now while you're here and I'm here or else I won't have the chance again, or maybe I won't have the courage."
"Go ahead and say what you gotta say, nothing you can say to me can possibly hurt me as much as what you've already done."
She stepped back and audibly gasped, "what I've done to you? What about what you've done to me, Todd? What about that, or have you forgotten it."
"No, no I haven't forgotten…I just meant…I mean…whatever you said obviously turned Tea against me…that's what hurts so much."
"I know something about hurting, how losing someone can destroy you. I know that because OF SOME STUPID VENDETTA THAT EXISTED IN YOUR MIND AND COST ME MY HUSBAND! I know about the hurt of being raped. I know about the hurt of being intimidated. I know about the hurt of being stalked, threatened…destroyed." She stepped closer to him then, stepped inside the elevator and let the doors closed. "I'm not afraid of being alone with you in here."
He moved as far away from her as possible, whispering, "I don't do those things anymore."
"Good. I hate what you did to me, but I now know it was not my fault. I blamed myself for so long for something I couldn't control and it took years of therapy to understand that I didn't do a damned thing to deserve that. I don't care if I paraded around in front of you naked, it didn't give you a right to do what you did."
"No, no it didn't," he agreed. "I was so screwed up back then, I'm screwed up now too but at least I know it."
The elevator jerked up and then down, bouncing around for moments. The red emergency lights came on and the motion eventually stopped. Todd was frozen. Neither one of them reached for the emergency telephone that dangled from the wall.
"I'm sorry, Marty. I am so sorry. You'll never know how much I regret what I did to you. I'm sorry, so sorry."
"I don't need your apologies. You know something Todd? I used to have nightmares about what you did to me. I couldn't sleep at night. I couldn't eat. I felt like I was dead, Todd. Dead. And then when I try to get myself together, here you come again with your stupid revenge and took the love of my life away from me. But I know you know all about losing the love of your life."
Todd had begun to tear up, his actions smacking him hard in the face. His eyes may have begun to tear up, but he took her anger and resentment and her anger. "I know about nightmares," he said quietly.
"Yeah, that's what I hear. I just have to ask you, why me?"
He was silent for a long time, staring down at his feet. He could here movement around the outside of the elevator. "I don't know," he mumbled.
"Yes you do, Todd," she insisted.
"I don't know. I guess because I liked you and you made a fool out of me. Can I ask you something now?"
"What?"
"Do you forgive me? I understand if you can't, 'cause I don't think I could forgive me. I haven't forgiven myself for what I did to you."
"With lots of therapy, yes, I think I have forgiven you…doesn't mean I want to be around you or I think we could peacefully co-exist or anything, it just means that I've let go of the anger. Just tonight, I let it go. I guess it's because of all the talking I've done; I'm free. And Lord knows you don't deserve forgiveness, but I think I can give it to you.'
*****
Tea's Penthouse
Tea tried to stop Marty from running after Todd but her feet were nailed to the floor. Her mouth was glued shut and all she could do was watch Marty fade away from view. When the front door closed, she stood in the middle of the floor too pained to cry, too tired to yell. All of the emotion was right there on the surface with no place to go; it simmered.
A part of her wanted to go and rescue Todd because she knew him and knew how fragile he was emotionally. With one fatal blow, she could lose him to the streets and to the drug life. And then there was another part, its pull just as strong, that part wanted to abandon him and say that she got away. She had enough sense to let him go because Marty was right about him, he was scary and he was this monster that would only destroy her. Which part was right?
Eventually, one tear fell and then another and another, until her entire body shook violently from the force of her soulful cry. Marty's words brought something into perspective, his violent nature was laid right there in front of her for her to ignore or take heed, regardless, it was there. People would say she was a fool to continue to want, to need him after his victim spoke such revelations. The sad thing was they would be right with their judgments and she would deserve the looks they'd give her when she walked down the street, but it was something she couldn't help. Loving him was not a choice and not loving him was not an option.
They were back on the right path only a few short days before. There was a chance and the inevitability, a certainty that in the future, they would again be a couple. Marty blew all of that and Tea felt guilty for blaming her. She was a victim, indirectly lashing out at her perpetrator. As much sense as it made in concept, the reality made none. Marty had become as guilty as Todd in a much different way, no less violent only she played with him emotionally.
Tea suppressed the urge to yell "WHY!?!?!?" at the top of her lungs. She pushed everything deep down inside of herself, wiped her tears away roughly with a "fuck you" uttered under her breath. She said it to no one, only to get rid of the last tiny bit of visible anger.
She had to talk to Todd, even though she had no idea what she was going to say. She thought that maybe she should stay out of it but her heart wouldn't let her walk away so easily. No, it would always make her turn around and try to soothe him the way that only she could. After that, she would have to walk away and not look back; leave New York and the practice she worked so hard to build if she had to.
A sort of a smirk crossed her face as she thought about the irony of it all. She had worked so hard to get him to stop running and she was trying to figure out a way to do the exact same thing. Todd was right; it was easier to run rather than to deal; to avoid rather than to face.
The one thing she could not do was say goodbye to him. She could say she was going on vacation or something else just as believable. She could walk away with plenty of regrets and the knowledge that in her lifetime, she was one of the very few to have known real love.
*****
The elevator door opened with a "ding" and a mob of people surrounding the perimeter. Todd couldn't make out what they were saying above the beating of his own heart. He looked around in a daze, not completely knowing where he was or where he was going. He glanced over at Marty who seemed to have all of her wits together. He tugged at the collar of his shirt; it was too tight, cutting off his circulation. He tugged and pulled and yanked at it, but still it was too tight. He began to heave; his breaths were short and shallow. "Can't breathe," he murmured.
Marty heard his efforts to grasp for what little air he could. So, she turned to him and, for reasons unknown to her, and tried to coax him into a regular breathing pattern. "Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it, and let it go out through your mouth." He mimicked her until he could focus. "Just keep doing that." She walked away, through the crowd and toward the front door. "She loves you Todd. She loves you and wants you but you need to get help Todd. Nothing I said to her tonight can change the way she feels about you, nothing." She disappeared into the darkness.
If he heard her, he gave no indication. As the crowd disseminated, he stepped out into the lobby and plopped down in a nearby chair. He covered his face with his trembling hands, wanting the cry, feeling that burning deep in the back of this throat but there were no tears. He felt a little like a robot, unable to display any human emotions. Many would say he wasn't human and he was starting to believe that.
Marty puzzled him. She was like some double-sided sword with one side a little duller than the other. There were times in that elevator when he thought she really had forgiven him and she had taken a "hex" off of him. Then there were other times when all he could see in her eyes was the pure hatred she had to feel for him. It was uncertain and hopeful and hopeless, all rolled up in a ball of confusion.
And what did she say to Tea? It must've been something horrible, something true for Tea to not come and rescue him. Marty said she loved him, how could she when he didn't love himself? She was afraid of him, didn't have to say the words; he could see the fear in her eyes. She wanted to run from him but had too much class to just disappear. That wasn't her style; she would try to spare him all the pain she could. That could've been how Marty forgave him; she hit him in his place of weakness and destroyed his life. Marty was teasing him; Tea didn't love him anymore.
"Oh, Delgado," he said through muffled hands.
That's why the voices were so quiet today. They knew what was going to happen. They're laughing at me right now. He jerked his hands away from his eyes and looked around feverishly. They were sitting back and watching me and making a fool out of me. Oh damn it, why didn't I see it coming?
Because you're fucked up Todd, that's why. I gotta tell you though, you and that girl Marty the party girl, I was proud of you that night. Shit, it's about the only thing you ever did right.
He jumped off the chair and barreled through the front door with no particular destination in mind. Then, it struck him; Leon was at the restaurant waiting for them. He had to pull himself together enough make it to see Tea's father.
*****
Greenwich Village
Tea wandered around the streets in search of Todd to no avail. She had been calling his apartment every five minutes for the past several hours, getting the answering machine every time. She tried the little bistros and coffee shops that were nestled in little undiscovered nooks and crannies. She looked for places like that little Internet Café that she found him at so long ago. She looked for twenty-four hour places where it looked like the lost might go. Everywhere she went she turned up empty handed.
She had so much time to think out there alone. People passed her by singularly or in groups, not noticing her sometimes tear-streaked face. They laughed at each other and kept on moving. She moved too, reluctantly, but she moved just the same.
She couldn't get over the nerve of Marty to come to HER penthouse and bash HER ex-husband for something he did before they were together. Marty got to her, there was no denying that. Her words hit her harder than anything Todd had ever done to her before. She had always defended him vigorously but she wondered if she could have defended him all those years back, or if she would have done the same thing that Nora tried to do, throw his case.
She narrowed her eyes at her watch, reading the time as 3:00 am. She wasn't tired of looking; she was tired of everything else. Yet again, when things appeared as though they were looking up for her, something happened and she fell back to earth…hard and heavy.
"I got it! We're not meant to be…I understand that!" The people that walked past at that moment ignored her too, figuring she was just another actress running her lines and she wandered the streets.
Her mind went back to Marty and then settled there. The man that she spoke of was not the man that Tea had grown to love, she could never, would never love a man like that. It wasn't Todd…period. She would have been afraid of him if it was. She wasn't attracted to men like that. Granted, she liked those that were a little bruised, slightly broken, but cold-blooded rapists were not her style.
*****
Todd's Apartment
It was nearing daylight and still he had not closed his eyes. They burned from exhaustion, but still he would not give them a rest. His feet hurt too, but he ignored that pain as well, leaving his body and floating above himself. Wasn't as good at that as he used to be. Could still feel the slightest pain at the bottom of his feet and his eyes and his head were beginning to hurt too. He deserved those things and everything else that seemed to rain upon him on that night.
He forced himself to go to the restaurant to meet Tea's father. Breezed right past the maitre' d and headed straight for the best table, which he had reserved for the three of them. Their "reunion dinner" he had declared it without their knowledge.
Leon was already sitting down and munching on an appetizer. Said he was "sick and tired of waiting" and that he thought they were supposed to meet a "half hour before" Todd decided to grace him with his presence. Any other time, he would've snatched him across the table by his collar and choked him within an inch of his life. Todd didn't have the strength, energy or inclination so he just slouched down in the chair and quietly said there wasn't going to be a dinner and for Leon to order what he wanted and charge it to his account. That was it. Then he left and walked around a bit.
Found himself in that familiar territory where he could "buy" his escape from the madness. Wasn't so afraid to walk down those dark, cavernous alleyways that went on forever. Some people would have found the metal garbage cans strewn about and the rows upon rows of fire escapes that shook with the wind and the buildings with threats spelled out in graffiti a little disconcerting, a little frightening, but Todd kept his head up and kept on moving. Passed the street musicians, gang members, occasional older "fixture of the community" and said nothing. Bumped into strangers unapologetically and growled at them if they dared to attempt to chastise him. In short, he was pissed, angry and hurt all at the same time and nobody had better have gotten in his way. As if they knew he was not to be messed with, many opened their mouths and then immediately shut them when they looked into his eyes.
He came upon J's building. It wasn't as frightening as it was before, the door swung open for him and the yells down the hall called to him. Without hesitation he stepped inside, pressed the elevator and rose to the higher floor where he was convinced his destiny lie. He didn't knock; he pounded, needing his "escape" sooner rather than later.
J opened the door with a huge smile on his face. He called it right, said Todd would be back begging for something. He was always right. He wordlessly stepped to the side and led Todd to one of the back rooms. This time, Todd didn't stop when he saw the obviously under aged girl preparing to "work" for her fix. No money did he throw her way. He watched for a second and kept on moving, just like all the other adults in her life. They saw her but didn't really see her.
J went into one of what he called his special drawers where he kept his best shit for only his best customers. He rolled a few special joints for Todd, took the hundred dollar bill that he handed him and ushered Todd out the way he came. That was that.
Took him awhile but he made it home. There were a couple of stops he had to make first, one to a bar, the next to a liquor store where he could continue to punish himself. When he walked through his door, he'd hoped to see his message light blinking and his answering machine filled with messages from Tea. She left a couple of messages, but that was about it. Said she wanted to make sure he was okay but that was her nature, she was always concerned about other people. It didn't mean anything other than she had a good heart. After the way she looked at him, he knew that it was over; she would never see just "Todd," she would always see Todd Manning, Peter's boy.
His apartment reeked of marijuana by the time he finished smoking for the night. He could have gone on, smoked more and more until he couldn't see straight, but he had run out. Strangely enough, he couldn't get high. He smoked and smoked, begging for that otherworldly experience to come upon him but nothing happened. He was as coherent as ever, still felt the pain of earlier that evening.
Everywhere he turned he saw her face, so sad and that pain behind her eyes that was nothing less than a broken heart. He broke his angels wings. He should have left her alone, that way, he could have at least held on to the image of their wedding night when she was laying back and watching him as he removed his tuxedo jacket. She looked at him with so much love he thought he was going to burst into tears. It didn't make sense for one person to be so happy but it didn't last. Happiness never lasted when it came to his life. The memory that would stick with him would be her eyes right after she heard the brutal truth about his victimization of another woman.
"Let me forget! Let me fucking forget!"
Nuh uh Toddie. Not a fucking chance.
Todd's doorbell rang and he took a quick peek at his watch. Anyone that came to his door at 5:30 in the morning could only be bearing bad news. At first, he wasn't going to answer it but something kept urging him to do it, open that damn door. He did and was greeted with Tea's tear-stained face. His body fell into her and he immediately started sobbing, "Oh Tea, oh Tea," he repeated over and over.
Tea didn't push him away, nor did she hug his body to her. She let him cry on her but remained strong, her soul had long ago shed all the tears it could.
