Tea tapped her foot impatiently against the arm of the couch as she waited in the living room for Todd. It didn't strike her as odd, the amount of time he'd spent in the back of her penthouse. It gave her time to think about things, about the objects stood between them, where she wanted things to go and what she wanted. She poured a small glass of wine for herself, using it as a sort of relaxer, a numbner. Her shoulders were tense, nearly touching her earlobes from stress.
The night had turned out better than she ever imagined, though she didn't know quite what she expected. It would go well between Todd and Starr, that much was a given, it was less certain how it would go between Todd and she. Things were so much different between them; they were friends, or darn close to it. Or maybe they had already crossed that invisible line and what they had was much deeper than friendship? She didn't know anything other than she wanted whatever it was to last.
She got up from the couch, walked over to the window and pressed her head against the cold glass. Let it cool off her perspiring forehead. As content as she was in the safety of her territory with the family that she loved, there was also a nagging feeling of insecurity. What did all of it mean? Was it just another repeating chapter of their never_ending, never_evolving relationship? At any moment, would everything be taken away from her and would she be left trying to put the fractured pieces of her life back together again? With one more devastating blow, one more heartbreak, she didn't know if she could make it. There was only so much strength her heart possessed before it was irreparably shattered.
*****
Roseanne listened to Todd intently as he attempted to explain men to her. Stuttering, stammering, re_starting, he tried the best he could to explain something he didn't even understand. She never believed that she would respond to what he was saying, much less the fact that regardless of his confusion, he made sense. The more he talked, the more she could see what drew Tea to him. He was so honest, when he wanted to be, much more so than other people she had encountered. When he spoke to her, it was like someone really understood, talked to her because they wanted, not out of familial obligation.
As Todd spoke to her, he recalled the loss of his own child with Blair. So long ago it was, he couldn't fully recall the depth of the pain. But he did know loss, the loss of Starr when he had to leave her, the loss of Tea that he still had not figured out how to cope with. If anyone knew about loss, it was he.
Roseanne used to be a little afraid to be in the same room with him. After all, he was a rapist and, according to all accounts, quite capable of raping again. She was so used to seeing a sinister shine in his eyes, the kind of look that made her step back and race to get out of his space. Now, his eyes were just plain empty, void of any sort of emotion. Her heart reached out to him; he had seen too much, dealt with too much.
"If you really wanna be with the guy, then be with him. I'm not going to tell you he's right or wrong for you, 'cause I know what it's like, you know, not being good enough. I'm not trying to tell you what to do but I would talk to him, at least one last time. People deserve that much so they're not always thinkin' about what they should've said."
"Yeah, thanks Todd."
He closed the door quietly behind him as he left her alone in her room. He thought he did well by her, talking, listening, trying to be understanding. That's much more than he would have attempted in the past. His body used to seek refuge whenever it was time to talk about anything personal, whether his burden or someone else's, but this time, he didn't run or hide or avoid…he dealt.
*****
Tea was nearly asleep when she felt him slide back onto the couch next to her. She could sense his eyes staring at her, watching her just like he used to. She feigned sleep for a few more minutes, afraid of his running away if she pretended too long. Her eyes fluttered open and she realized that he was sitting much closer than she anticipated. Their bodies practically touched.
"You tired?"
"Not really," she lied. "What took you so long?"
"I was talkin' to Roseanne." He waited for a reaction from her, but there was none. "You think she's going to be okay?"
It was hard to say. Roseanne lacked the survival skill that Tea was forced to learn at a young age. Tea was glad though, because it meant to Roseanne didn't have to deal with so much suffering so young. It meant that her life was a little bit better than the generation before. At the same time, it meant that she lacked natural emotional strength; she didn't have a natural instinct for survival. Would she be okay? There was no way of telling.
"'Cause she's really down, you know?"
"I know. Truthfully, she's not going to get over this." Tea's voice broke, just enough that Todd heard it but not enough that someone he didn't know her so well could detect. "It's going to be there and it's going to keep her awake at night and it's going to eat away at her."
Todd's mind drifted back to an earlier conversation he had with Tea, one in which the same sadness came over her eyes when she spoke of Roseanne's miscarriage. He took a chance and asked, "how old were you when you lost your kid?"
She was taken off guard by his frankness, so much so that her body physically reacted. It was odd though, instead of moving away from him, she moved closer and lay her head on his shoulders. "I was about sixteen." The words nearly stuck in her throat, she had vowed never to talk about that to any man, especially the one that sat so close to her on the couch.
"What happened?"
"To make a long story short, my body had been through too much and couldn't handle a child." She couldn't tell him that her father beat it out of her. She couldn't tell him of the pool of blood that she lay in as the child slipped out of her body. It all hurt so badly, the pain ran as deep and as wide as the night it first happened.
"You weren't r_" he tried to say, "raped," but his mouth froze before he could spit it out.
"No, no, no," she shook her head emphatically. "Nothing like that. I consented, however much a 16 year old can consent to that sort of thing."
Todd found himself rubbing her shoulder, pulling her body closer to his. He kissed the top of her head, her cheek, moved a few stray hairs from that had fallen across her face. "And the guy? Was he there for you afterwards?"
"No. Nobody was there."
His heart hurt even more for her. The last thing in the world he wanted was for her to have to deal with anything alone. He was just like that guy who left her. She had been through things when they were together, suffered through pain that he had caused and she dealt with it all alone. He was even worse than the other guy. He was a grown man, married to her no less and he couldn't find the strength within himself to stay. His eyes filled with tears, some of them dripped onto her face, others ran astray and fell into his sweater.
"What did I expect, right? I didn't really tell anybody." Not really. It was an accident that Papi found out. Jose told him. Jose wanted to see me suffer.
"I know how that is. When you want somebody to be there but you're so scared, you don't know what to do. 'Cause if you say something to the wrong person, you'll get hurt or someone else will get hurt. I know how that is. And you keep it inside until you realize that you're just as bad off by not talking as you would be if you spilled your guts."
"That's exactly what it was like." She began to sob on his shoulder. Talking so openly about something so painful was a promise she made to herself that she would never do. Yet, there, in the darkness where he couldn't see her eyes and she couldn't see his, she felt hidden enough to reveal her secret. She loved him for holding her, loved him for being there when he had no obligations to her whatsoever.
"I wish it was my kid you were carrying. I mean, not my kid that, you know, but my kid that we could've raised together. My life would have been so much different if I had you back then."
She pulled away and searched for sincerity in his eyes. "Why?"
"Because I never would've let anything happen to you and if you had been there for me, I wouldn't have been so angry all the time and I wouldn't have hurt so bad 'cause you make all that other shit go away and I feel like I'm not so bad."
"Mijo," she said, unwrapping her arm from his, "you're not bad, a little misguided, but you're not bad. You have so much good inside of you; I see it whenever we're together. I see it when you're with your daughter…you are good Todd and I really wish you could see all the beauty I see."
He read the honesty that sparkled in her eyes. They said to believe in her, to trust in the feelings they shared. Trust. Last time he trusted someone, he got burned badly, another scar to add to his infinite collection. Tea was different. Her eyes weren't those of a serpent or any other reptilian creation, not so slick and slithery that they could turn on you on a dime. Her eyes were honest and sincere; pools of emotion that he wished he could undress and swim in. "You are so beautiful, Tea."
Her body started to get that familiar aching feeling that screamed, "more, more." It was more than the urge that overcame her with other men; it was an all_encompassing urge. She wanted to wrap herself in his arms and never let him go. She wanted to be with him completely, honestly; blurting the life's story that she fought so hard to keep a secret.
Can I kiss you, Tea? His eyes begged, glistening in the light that shone through the window. Can I pull you closer? Will you let me do that? Will you let me kiss away your pain? Will you let me turn everything bad that has happened to you and turn it onto myself? Will you let me cleanse you of all your pain?
Will you kiss me? Her eyes asked. Will you hold me tight and never let me go again. Will you kiss away my pain? Will you take away everything bad that has ever happened to me? Will you cleanse me with your love?
They moved closer, caressed each other's face and studied each other before moving on. He leaned forward; she met him half way. And when their lips touched, their souls intermingled. He surprised her by taking things deeper, opening his mouth and allowing her tongue to enter. She did the same, urging him to go further by melding her body to his.
She pulled away though, breaking the spell just as quickly as it began.
"What's wrong? Did I do something? Did I hurt you?"
She shook her head frantically, "no, no, you didn't do anything wrong. I just don't want to go too far. I don't want to pressure you into kissing me or doing something we're not ready to do."
"You're not pressuring me, Tea," said Todd shyly. Their bodies did not break contact; he caressed her back and she rubbed his cheek with the back of her hand. When things seemed to be going too well for them, something tragic was always waiting in the wings. Todd was afraid of that; afraid of the other shoe dropping and ruining any chance they had for reconciliation.
She wanted him so badly, not human contact but contact from him. His body is what she needed to feel lying on top of hers. His tongue is what she needed to feel moving all over her body. And when she looked at him and those old feelings of insecurity and doubt rose like bile in the back of her throat, his eyes told her that things were for real. That maybe, just maybe, the gods were indeed not that cruel and that time was on their side. She brought her lips to his, nudging his mouth open with the point of her tongue. They moaned into each other, touching, caressing, exploring each other's bodies. They didn't go too far. His hands never moved to her breast, as he wanted; her hands never went below his belt, as she craved.
She pulled away again, feeling moistness that did not spring from her eyes, dripping down the side of her face. "What's wrong?" she asked, just as a fresh stream of tears trailed down his face. He had never shown her that side before, always pulling himself together at the last possible moment, willing the tears to evaporate. He was an emotionally controlled person; at least he was when it came to his sadness. This was something else entirely, and she was a little afraid of what would come next. Was it something that came before the storm? Would things suddenly go back to the way they were with them destroying one another?
"I don't know. I mean, I get this feeling like everything's okay between us again and then something happens inside and I think I'm going to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you again, Tea."
"Just be honest with me. If you're honest, you can't hurt me. Let go, Todd."
"I can't. Whenever I let go, people get hurt and I couldn't bear it if I hurt you. I don't want to live if I hurt you."
Tiny vignettes played through her mind of times in which she endured his wrath. When he let go, he did cause pain, he broke things, people, he tossed things, people, he destroyed things, people and when he was finished, he was filled with regret. He was different with her, wasn't he? He didn't want to lie to her, make her believe he was someone else. He didn't want to through her out, naked, in a blizzard. He didn't want to say those words, which cut her to the very core of her being. Yet he did, and he felt remorse, but nothing could be done about it. Was it that he let lose that he broke, tossed and destroyed? Or was it when he wouldn't let go, when he let the pain win?
"I can't take back all the shit I did to you, but if I could, I would."
"I know you would. What's done is done, we can't go back and change the past."
"So what's this?" He gestured, pointing to her and then to himself. "What are we doing?"
"I don't know," she answered honestly.
"Does it feel okay with you? Is this okay?"
"Yes. Let's just go with it, ride this, whatever this is, and see where it takes us."
"I can do that." He leaned down and kissed her more deeply. This time, he didn't hold back. He didn't try to stifle the love that was determined to flow through his veins and into her body. He let go; let the love flow through to her.
She felt it surging and pulsing through her body. It went straight for her heart, wrapped around it and reclaimed it. She let go too; let the love flow from her body to his. Let go, she did. Pulled him to her, almost on top of her, loving him the best way she could.
