Roseanne was practically invisible in her zombie like state, moving in and out of a room, barely detectable. Not even the sound of her breathing could be heard without the ear stretching itself to its limit. Once she let Todd in, she barricaded herself into her bedroom, only coming out when absolutely necessary. She was safe from intrusion when she was alone in her room. Hours later, she could still hear the sounds of happiness floating through the air from the living room, from Starr's bedroom, from every room in the penthouse except the one where she lay helplessly in the middle of her colorful bedspread. In spite of herself, she would sometimes smile, sometimes giggle, wishing that she too could be a part of whatever was going on. In reality, she was a part of that family in the other room, even though she fought them so hard. Even though she did everything she could to sabotage that relationship. Never had been anything other than a nuisance to them with her continuing problems. The night was not the time for her to intrude; it was a time for them to become reacquainted.
Every now and then, Tea rapped on the door and asked if she needed anything. Sometimes she answered, others, she pretended to be asleep. Roseanne knew she was concerned, but there was nothing anyone could do. They were a comfort, in one way, especially their infectious laughter, making her want to laugh and cry at the same time.
Deep down, she had this desire to overcome the latest tragedy and step back out with her head held high. It was what Tea would do; after she grieved in private, she pulled herself together enough to roll her shoulders back, stick her chin out and get back into the world. And she would make her presence immediately felt, shrugging off all condolences and keep on moving.
Tea knocked on her bedroom door, her one last check before the night was over. Nightly, she looked in on her, made herself available for a late night chat or sit with her for awhile if that's what she needed. When Tea didn't get a response immediately, she cracked the door just enough to peak in. "Roseanne?"
"I'm fine, Tea," she answered, wiping a stray tear from her eye.
Tea opened the door wider, only to find Roseanne sitting in the middle of her bed, still, as if in a trance. She didn't move, nor did she blink, she simply sat in the middle of her comforter and stared straight ahead at the fuzz that filled the television screen. Experience had taught Tea that too much silence was a clear indicator of something more desperate brewing beneath the surface. Experience told her that Roseanne needed to be watched very closely, needed to be forced in some way to assimilate back into the life that continued to move without her. She slipped next to Roseanne on her bed, wrapped her arms around her and squeezed her into her body. She squeezed until she felt her body started to tremble and shake and shiver and finally, she felt the endless stream of tears dripping through her sweater.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh God, Tea, it hurts so damn much and I don't know what to do and I feel like I want to jump into the grave with her and I want to hold her and tell her I love her," she cried in one continuous stream. "She'll never know how much I loved her, will she? I feel like I'm not going to make it, Tea, like I want to fucking give up 'cause it's too hard being like this, you know?"
"I know sweetie. I wanted to do the same thing but, you know, she can see you and she won't want you to give up. Who's to say you can't tell her you love her now? Who's to say that when you pray at night, and you say that prayer for her? Who's to say that she doesn't hear it?"
"Oh, come on, she's a baby."
"Yeah and she felt your love each and every day she continued to grow inside you. Roseanne, she knows how much you love her. I know it's hard, God knows I know how hard it is for you right now, but I promise you, the pain will get less. It'll always be there, but it dulls with time. Just give it time and it's okay to cry or to talk about it. It's good if you do that." Tea had begun to cry herself.
"So you say."
"So I know. Trust me on this one, I know exactly what you're going through and it does get better. You're dealing with it much better than I did. I didn't talk for weeks, to anyone, and when I exploded, that was it. You want to die, I tried to die."
She clung to Tea, her head resting on her shoulder. She could hear Tea's heart beating rapidly, heard her breathing as she struggled to hold herself together for her. In those moments, a feeling washed over her and for a brief minute, she sensed that things would get better. She pulled away from Tea, wiping her eyes as she sat upright. "Is Todd still here?"
Tea nodded. "He's putting Starr to bed. While he's in there, do you want to come and get something to eat?"
"Yeah, I think I can do that."
*****
Starr had been asleep for over an hour before Todd emerged from her bedroom. Tea assumed that he was watching over her, the way he used to. She heard the sound of his footsteps as he tried to quietly walk on the hardwood floor. It was late at night by then, way too late to entertain but way too early for them to go their separate ways.
He kind of fell onto the couch, leaning slightly to the side, against its arm. He stared at Tea, studied her profile from the side. Her mood seemed to have changed from earlier, or maybe it was that he was just now taking the time to look her over. Sadness had a real funny way of manifesting itself on her face, she could smile brightly, her lips could curl completely upward to the sky, yet in her body language and in her eyes, those who knew her could see the truth. And she thought she was so clever, and she was just that, but he knew her better than anyone else.
"What?" she asked, feeling a little uneasy under Todd's scrutiny.
"Nothin'," he answered, abruptly moving up from the couch and over to the stereo. "What's good?" he asked, looking at her cd collection, which consisted of hundreds.
"They're all good. I have good taste."
"Yeah, you do…in almost everything. So what's good?"
Billie Holiday, she wanted to say. Wanted to cry that river once again to the rhythm of her voice. "Depends on your mood. If you want rock, I got Lenny Kravitz. If you want jazz, I've got it all…Dizzy, Lena, Ella and Billie. If you want to hear some salsa music, as you call it, I have some great mixes. I think I might have some hip-hop if you want to listen to that. And then there's some Mozart," she stopped right then, thinking of a more unpleasant time in their relationship. Thinking of the night when they came so close to making love with Mozart in the background, all the while he was pretending to be someone he wasn't. Thought he could get over by pretending he had other personalities.
"Uh, I wanna hear something mellow." He knew what she was thinking, he thought of that night too. Once again, her face filled with a very quick flash of pain and then it was blank again. "You like this guy? Luther Vandross?"
"Oh, yeah."
He slipped one of Luther's CDS into the player, turning the volume up just loud enough for them to hear, but low enough to not wake everyone else up. He sat back down next to her as the music began to play. He leaned back into the cushions, closing his eyes, feeling sort of serene.
She did the same, let the music wash over her; let it soothe her. Her body sank into the couch, molding to her like a second skin. She opened one of her eyes and looked around the dark room. Todd had turned the lights off when he came back, so the only light that was in the room was natural. It came from the stars, the buildings around them, all different colors. The stereo flashed with red and green and a very bright white. It was absolutely beautiful, and when she looked at Todd, sitting there next to her with his eyes closed and slouching ever so slightly, she wished they could stay like that for a long time.
He could sense her eyes hovering over him and he liked it. He looked over at her and gave her a tired smile. "What are you looking at?"
"You. You got a problem with that?"
"Nope."
He shifted his weight as her stare became more penetrating. "Go ahead and say it."
"Say what?"
"Say whatever's on your mind."
She didn't realize she was staring so hard at him; it was an old habit that had yet to die. When it came to other men, she didn't have the urge to stare at them any longer than absolutely necessary. She was fully aware of her powers as a woman, and even more aware of what the wrong kind of look to the wrong man could bring. So she trained herself to look on occasion, never too long. Todd was something else entirely, she couldn't make herself turn away from him, he was too beautiful and maybe by looking at him, she was able to see herself reflected through his eyes.
With a very quick reaction, even faster than he head had time to talk him out of it, he touched her hand lightly at first, and when she didn't pull away, he took it inside of his own.
She let her hand completely relax in his and she could feel her body following suit. "This is nice, whatever this is or isn't, it's nice to be here like this."
"Yeah." His mind was quiet for the time being, affording him the opportunity to wallow in a feeling that so completely taken over and embraced his tired, aching body. He ran his thumb along the side of her hand, admiring the softness of her skin her baby soft skin.
"How are you feeling? You doing any better?"
He moved closer to her, taking a risk and laying his head on her lap. He kept her hand in his, kept her positive energy flowing into his veins. "I have my good days and I have my bad days. Same 'ole, same 'ole, I guess. It's better today though. Today, thanks to you, was a good day."
"I'm glad. Starr missed you."
"I'm not just talking about Starr-"
"And I missed you too," she added quickly. Even in the dark, she could see the smile appear on his lips. How she wanted to touch them, to trace them with the tips of her fingers and outline it with her tongue.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
He brought her fingertips to his lips and kissed the tip of each finger individually. If he weren't so afraid of those damned voices that came and went as they pleased, he would have tried to take things further. Further than just a kiss or two. Further than the skin-to-skin, brief touching moments that they shared once and awhile, never frequently enough for his taste.
"Todd-" she started to say, started to ask him to stop because she also was afraid, but for different reasons. She was afraid of having to stop if they went any further. His pattern was etched in granite, he would touch her just enough, caress her to a point, and stop abruptly as if there was something wrong with what they were doing.
He ignored the sound of his name across her lips; let everything else disappear until all he could hear was her shallow breathing and feel her soft, smooth skin as his fingers traced the shape of her hands, her face, everything he did not deem off limits.
If he had been paying attention, he would have noticed the background music that seemed to play the perfect song at the perfect moment, "If Only for One Night." All he ever really wanted is one night with her, but deep down, they both knew that one night would only be the beginning. Some people were addicted to things; they were addicted to each other. It was painfully obvious as the pain they endured while apart was much worse than the pain they inflicted on each other when they were together.
Tea heard the music and kinda smiled sadly at the untruths that were told in the song. If only for one night, one night would only make the aching yearning even more powerful. One night could destroy them, especially the morning after when they were both even more confused than before.
It was odd how they could stare at each other unflinchingly for so long. Any other couple would turn away from each other, afraid of being analyzed by the other, scared of their lies being discovered. Not Todd and Tea. For the most part, they knew the worst things about each other; their eyes would only give away the depth of the pain.
"Be right back," Todd announced, "gotta go to the bathroom."
He was up and halfway down the hall before Tea could breathe normally. His touch felt so good against her skin, she didn't want his hand to leave her body. How gentle he was, when he wanted to be. She lay her head back on the couch, closed her eyes and let Luther take over her consciousness.
*****
"Tea," Roseanne called into the hallway from her room, "is that you?"
Todd jumped a little, startled by the sound of Roseanne's voice from the other room. He dreaded seeing her again and it wasn't because he didn't like her, it was because he didn't know what to say. He took a deep breath before opening her door and peeking inside. "No, you want me to get her?"
"No, that's okay." She looked sort of relieve that it wasn't Tea, sort of happy that she didn't have to deal with her.
"Okay," he almost had the door completely closed before the second thought crossed his mind. He opened it back up, stepped inside and closed the door behind him. "Hey, I'm sorry about what happened to you. If you need anything, you just tell me or tell Tea and we'll get it for you."
"I'm fine, Todd."
"'Cause you're family and all and I do sorta know what you're going through. Blair lost my kid and at first, I was real broken up about it and everything, but it went away. I mean, it didn't go away completely but then we had Starr and, I'm not trying to say that one kid can take the place of another, but it helped, you know? 'Cause you're still young and everything-"
"Thanks."
"Yeah, sure, whatever." He turned around to leave once again, but her voice stopped him.
"Todd."
"Yeah?"
"You know when you came to the hospital and you thought I was Tea and you said all those things?"
"Yeah."
"You should say all those things to Tea, she needs to hear it."
"Yeah, she deserves to hear it but not from someone like me." He ran his fingers through his hair, bounced up and down the way he did when he was nervous. "I only hurt Tea, you of all people should know that. I don't know why she doesn't throw me out of her life for good, but I'm glad she doesn't."
"You should talk to her. She's been through so much shit that sometimes, I think she's going to just give up on everything and say 'fuck it.' I think you're probably the only person that can get her to talk. She loves you so much and I can tell you love her back, so what's the problem?"
"Me," he stated simply with his emotion filled voice.
"You're everything she wants." There was one thing she was really wondering about the way people see her. When they looked at her, did they see someone with death all around them? Could they tell that someone died inside of her? Was there something that shone through her body that acted as a repellant to all things around her?
"Yeah, right." He saw the change in her demeanor immediately, it was like a dark veil fell down over her eyes and a dark cloud appeared above her. "What?"
"What's wrong with me?"
"Nothin'."
"There's got to be something wrong, otherwise Christian wouldn't have done this to me and we'd be happy."
"I think something's wrong with Christian. Listen, guys are jerks; it's in our nature. It's his loss and he'll end up regretting it in the end. If he's lucky, when he figures out how much he fucked up, you'll still be around. If you're lucky, you'll have given up and moved on to better things. That's the way of the world."
