While Roseanne was at Tea's penthouse recuperating, she took the time to
think about what came next in her life. If there was even a next time in her life, she wasn't sure
anymore. Since she became pregnant and lost a baby, her life would never be the same and could
certainly never be what she imagined as a little girl. Never again could she attempt to be a
typical twenty something, nothing about her life would ever be typical again.
As her
body healed, she would be forced to deal with the consequences of the beating that her body had
taken from the death that occurred inside of her. It was two deaths really, even if there was only
one certificate. The other death was immeasurable. People would say it didn't count; since she
was still breathing she was considered one of the living. Her pain was temporary, they would
say. They didn't know anything. Neither did she until it happened to her. Then, it was all she
could think about.
Her body seemed to go by its own healing schedule. It told her
when to rest. When she was doing too much. When she wasn't doing enough, it spoke to her in
its own way. It might never heal completely; she would certainly never get rid of the little scar
tissue that was imbedded on the walls of her insides. No one would see them of course, but she
would know they were there and be reminded of their significance.
Time didn't pass
fast enough. She would sleep and sleep and sleep and still feel like she hadn't rested at all. So,
she would sleep some more and wake up with only a few minutes having ticked off the clock.
That's why the seconds seemed like hours and the hours seemed like days. Things came in short
spurts; spurts of sleep, spurts of tears, even a spurt or two of being okay. There was a cloud
surrounding her, a dark black, swirling cloud that became a part of her.
Del called
everyday. He called to see what she needed, how she was feeling, to offer a few words of
encouragement. He promised to come and visit and that was something she looked forward to.
He was everything that her father was not. Everything that she needed, exactly when she needed
it. Those were the times she would feel the happiest, when she heard his voice saying "hey
baby," on the other end of the phone line and his assurances that she was "okay."
As
soon as she heard the click on the other end, the sadness overtook every other emotion. She
would look around, listen for Tea's footsteps down the hall, but all she would hear was the sound
of her own heart erratically beating. The silence…she hated that silence. That was when she had
the most time to think about Christian.
She couldn't say his name aloud without
crying. She was a maelstrom of emotion when she thought of him. She was happy, yet sad, yet
in love, yet in hate…all at the same time. There was no way to make it go away, make it hurt a
little less. There was nothing to do but wait it out and hope that the heart had enough sense to
heal itself because there was no way she could help it along any.
Tea, she was great.
Left her alone when she wanted, magically appeared when she needed, talked to her about her
own painful mistakes, no matter the personal costs. She could tell it was costing Tea much more
than she would admit. When she thought no one was listening, Tea would get up in the middle
of the night and cry to herself. She would hear her pacing the floors, muttering to herself in
Spanish, cursing herself without mercy. A time or two, she started to get up and go to her, but
never made it past the doorway for fear of intruding on some private moments.
Tea
was gone again, off on another trip. Said she would only be gone for a few hours, off the
Llanview and back. Off to pick up Starr, she said. So, for the weekend, it would be the three of
them, more likely four since Todd would probably be around.
From staying with
Tea, certain things became very apparent. For instance, Tea was not the stuck up bitch that
Roseanne always said. She was far from it. It was the things that Tea had to endure that made
her into the cautious person that she was. She wasn't cold or anywhere near icy. She was just
about the warmest, most loving person she'd ever known. Too bad she'd misjudged her and
locked her out of her life for so many years. The only good thing about the whole messed up
situation that was her life, was that she and Tea were closer than ever.
Roseanne sat
on the armchair in the corner of her room, turned away from the television. That's where she did
her deepest thinking, sitting Indian style in the oversized chair. It seemed to swallow her in its
plushness. She could sit there for hours, undisturbed by Tea and feel sorry for herself. More
often than not, she thought about Tea and how she coped with losing her child at such a young
age. She clearly was not over the loss, she never would be but she learned to accept it and move
on from it. Roseanne didn't possess that inner strength, nor did she have the energy to try and
heal.
She often wondered about Todd's role in Tea's life now. Tea rarely spoke of
him and when she did, sadness sometimes filled her voice. Other times, she became sort of
wistful, wishing that things could have turned out differently for them. She would never be an
advocate for Todd, but in all the years she had known Tea, the only times she saw her smile,
really smile sincerely, she was with Todd. Everyone, including her, was so against the
relationship, but who were they to judge?
It was only in the clear light of day that she
would have to go back to Llanview and face the same judgments that she could see had taken its
toll on Tea. Regret was a preeminent emotion that flowed through her tired and aching veins.
All the time she had spent chasing Christian, all the years she spent loving him, how could it
have ended so violently? How could it have ended in death?
"How did I end up like
this?" she asked the vacant room around her. Silence was her answer...no one was there. She
turned toward the window, stared at the beam of light that shone on a single spot on the floor.
"Can I possibly be any more pathetic? Could I have possibly screwed up any more?"
Silence was her answer. "Damn," she sighed.
*****
"Okay, Starr,
sweetie," Tea said, reaching over Starr and grabbing the other end of the seatbelt, "let me help
you out."
It was so easy to get Starr for the weekend. Blair and Max had apparently
made plans to go out of town and were going to ask Viki to watch Starr anyway, and when she
called, everything fell into place. Within the span of a couple of hours, Tea had the jet fueled and
ready to go to Llanview.
Viki met them at the airport with a big smile on her face
and Starr's hand in hers. When the door opened on the tarmac, and Starr saw Tea, she let go of
Viki's hand and ran as fast as her feet would carry her toward Tea.
"TEE!" she
screamed as she came closer to Tea who was walking down the stairs.
"Hey,
sweetie," she said, taking Starr into her arms, spinning around and showering her with kisses.
"Oooh, I missed you so much!"
"I missed you too! Am I going to your 'partment? Are
we going to New York? Is Aunt Viki coming?"
"Slow down, slow down." With big
smiles, the looked at each other, searching for signs of change. Starr had grown at least a couple
of inches, her hair was longer and she lost one of her front teeth. Tea had changed too. She
wasn't wearing one of the power suits that she always wore; she had jeans and a t-shirt, with no
makeup. Starr thought she looked like she could be her big sister, not her other
mommy.
"Well, am I going with you?"
"Do you want
to?"
"Yeah…m-hm," Starr nodded emphatically.
Just then, Viki
approached them from behind with her arms wide open. She missed Tea as she would her own
child, loved her as such too. It had only been a little while since they had last seen each other,
but it seemed like much longer. She assessed Tea as she would anyone who weighed heavily on
her mind. Looked into her eyes for the pain that was always just beneath the surface. So much
like Todd, she thought.
"Tea, it's so good to see you. And might I say you look much
more relaxed than the last time I saw you. Starr has missed you so much, haven't
you?"
Starr nodded her head in agreement, clinging to Tea. Tea looked down at her,
smiling, squeezing her a little tighter.
"It's good to see you too," Tea said, embracing
Viki. Viki pulled back from her, holding her by the shoulders and staying that way while she
gave her the obvious once over. "What?"
"Nothing." Looking down at Starr,
"sweetheart, why don't you get on the plane and wait for Tee there?"
"Okay, Aunt
Viki. Love you," she said before running up the stairs.
Viki waited until she was out
of hearing distance to answer Tea's question. "Tea, how are you?"
"I'm doing okay,
Viki."
"You're just like my brother. I asked how you are…not how you want to
appear."
Tea threw up her arms in defeat, too tired to try to maintain the façade. "It's
just that when I look back on my life and think about the mess I've made of it, it seems like the
only time I was really happy was when I was loved by him…if I was loved by him. And I guess,
now that we spend a little time together, I'm realizing how much that time meant to me and how
happy it made me."
"Oh Tea, I completely understand. It is to be expected that you
would feel that way. Whether either of you want to admit it or not, you and Todd are soulmates.
And don't use past tense when you talk about the love he has for you. Tea, I have spoken to him
and that man loves you more than you'll ever know."
"That's what I'm afraid to
believe."
"Why? Why don't you just let yourself believe it? It is the truth, you
know."
"I'm afraid that if I am hurt one more time, that I'll never
recover."
"Oh, my dear, love is a wonderful risk, isn't
it?"
*****
Tea replayed the conversation with Viki in her mind over and
over again. Love was a risk, but she'd already risked everything for Todd's love and that still
wasn't enough. There was so much going on in her life, too many things to even think about
going back to him again. Still, deep down, she knew the only thing that would make her happy
again is letting herself love him and be loved by him again.
She stared off into
space, unconsciously twirling a few stray strands of hair in her fingers. She didn't know where
all this stuff she was feeling was coming from. All of a sudden, all of her inadequacies were first
and foremost on her mind, helping her to check off the reasons why no one could love her
completely.
"Tee, look at me," Starr said as she danced around on the plane to the
music that played through her headphones.
"Wow, look at you. You're going to be a
regular Christina Augleura if you keep that up." Then, she went back into herself. That little girl
that danced around in front of her brought her something that she could never get out of her
heart, love. Her love, Todd's love and even her own self love. To be so small, she represented
what would never be again. She was, in her smallness, this great band of strength that bonded
her to Todd, but not reason enough for her to endure another tumultuous, treacherous, dangerous
love affair with him.
Then there was the whole problem of the way Todd was
choosing to destroy his life. In the recent times she had seen him, he was clean, sober and she
couldn't smell anything on him. It didn't mean that there was nothing there, he could have
showered or easily changed his shirt. He had nearly died because of it and he didn't appear to
care.
It scared her. She tried to distance herself from him but, like a moth to a
flame, she couldn't get away from him; she kept going back time and time again. She didn't
really want to get away from him. Deep down, there was the chance that he would turn to
something harder if they had an argument and someone would knock on her door in the middle
of the night with the news something horrible had happened. It was the way her mind worked,
she was used to, even comfortable with thinking negative.
But here was his little
girl, dancing around in her blue dress, and smiling as if she didn't have a care in the world. She
didn't, not really. She would always have any and everything her heart desired and she would
always have the love of numerous adults around her. Tea vowed that she would be there for
Starr no matter what went on between she and Todd.
Before she knew it, the plane
touched down and the pilot had turned off the "fasten seatbelt sign." Starr was sleeping by then,
having worn herself out talking and dancing and being a free child. Tea looked over at her
innocent face and a few strands of hair tangled around her fingers. So innocent, she thought.
What happened to my innocence, she wondered.
*****
Todd's
Apartment
Todd had lost track of the time he spent staring out of his
window. It wasn't at all how he planned to spend his day, but, according to Roseanne, Tea wasn't
home and he knew if he left, he would wind up someplace he had no business being. He was,
after all, trying to get rid of the habits that he had recently formed. He didn't have a problem of
course; he just needed to stop if he had any hope of getting his old life back.
His
phone had rang steadily, and each time, the answering machine picked up, replaying the same old
tired message. Misty's voice was always on the other end, asking him to call and let her know he
was okay. She didn't seem to get the hint that whatever she was feeling was not returned. She
very well could have made a good friend if he gave her half of a chance. His instincts told him
not to, she was too much like Blair, reminded him too much of the past that he wanted to forget.
Aloneness was starting to take its toll on him. Even when he was alone, he was not
completely alone and maybe that was part of the problem. When it was too quiet, he had too
much time to think about all the mistakes he made and all the ways he hurt people he had loved.
Peter was constantly working on his head, teasing him about his weaknesses and
inadequacies. Constantly whispering in his ears that no one would accept him the way he was,
screwed up, fucked up and going nowhere fast. Sinking into a pit of darkness and he was
dragging everyone down with him. Peter kept him awake at night, fighting against the sweet
memories that he tried to conjure up every night as he stared at the ceiling. When he became too
tired to fight anymore, he simply gave up and let the bad memories take over.
Todd
could see himself caught between a place of total acquiescence and fighting. His body was so
tired and so was his mind that he was ready to give up. It wasn't fair of him to drag those he
loved right down with him. They deserved better, even if they didn't know it. Leaving New
York was a very real possibility.
At first, the thoughts had been fleeting, not really
real. The more he thought about it and the pain he caused, the more he considered it to be his
best option. That was another reason he found Tea's father; so that he could be the man that
Todd never could. If she resolved her issues with him, then maybe she would realize that she
deserved so much more than Todd was able to give her.
Only a few more days, a
few more conversations and he would reunite them. In a few more days, he could give Tea back
her father and maybe he could walk away more easily, knowing that someone was there to love
her.
