| RUNNING ON EMPTY BY TORRI |
CHAPTER 45 |
Tea's Penthouse
Del walked around, huffing and puffing like a caged animal trying to escape its environment. The more he paced, the smaller the rooms became. He waited all day for her to come home. He knew she wouldn't do that. She would purposely avoid him until she had time to cool down. She wasn't at her office and wouldn't answer her cell phone. Paging her was useless. After she left, he remembered what day it was and how it affected them both. They coped with it differently. She clammed up, he worked out. Took his anger out on the punching bag, weight lifting machine, anything that could absorb his feelings.
He also received a letter from their mother after her death. A way too late goodbye forever letter, written with the love and attention, just as if she was still walking around on earth. It occurred to him how well her English had progressed. None of the broken sentences the he heard growing up. He committed her words to memory, and burned the letter in a pile of ash. As much as Tea loved their mother, he hated her. Tea was left with a different image; she was left with someone to take care of her. He was left with nothing but the added responsibility of becoming her dominant male figure. Not that he minded, but still, he would rather have had the choice to give up his childhood for her. The way he saw it, Anna Rosa made a clear and conscious choice to walk away from their family without a backwards glance. She walked away without giving a damn about the damage her absence left.
There was no doubt that Tea kept track of the date and was probably somewhere fighting back the tears for their unworthy mother. He assumed she had found some private place where she could grieve without someone looking over her shoulder and taking note that there was a crack in her tough exterior. She could have run right back to Todd and absorbed some of his anger, hatred and pain, just to keep from confronting her own. She had done it in the past, run back to him time and time again. He had seen it first hand, envied and despised the bond she seemed to share with him. She wanted someone who was more damaged, maybe irreparably, just so that she could push her pain aside.
As he walked around in dimness, he thought about his job. He never wanted to go into law enforcement, never wanted to adhere to that "blue code of honor." Growing up in Manhattan, he saw up close how the police brutalized his compadres. Them...with their heavy black stick, beating against the innocent and not so innocent backs of the young. Them, with their racial slurs, hurling them like rocks toward those who dare not fight back. Meanwhile, he would run. Hide behind the boxes that littered the alleys, or the garbage cans that lined the walls, vying with the rats for the best hiding place.
He saw his best friend killed from one of his hiding spaces. The cops didn't see him, but he had a perfect view. There was nothing he could do though. He could only be deathly quiet and still; all he could do was save himself. The nightmares of that day haunted him for years. Sometimes, they still came to him in the middle of the night. It was that day when he took on the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em," attitude. Figured if he couldn't help his friends against them, he might as well join them and work from the inside. At least he could be of some help on that side of the law. It didn't help him win many friends within the department, but he was able to help many children. Gave them breaks, sometimes his presence with one of the racist cops was enough to deter them from doing any physical damage to the kids.
>From the inside, he helped bring down a ring of dirty officers, many of whom worked the minority areas, specifically so they could throw around their authority. They loved to see the fear in their victim's eyes as they "flaunted" their authority. While they thought they were getting away with it, Del was compiling evidence against them. His superiors were actually running the investigation, as they were under pressure from the community to do something to fight the brutality.
After months of investigating, he turned over the evidence. The other officers were tried and sentenced to minimal jail time, but he was out of there. Though he was never connected to the investigation, he had to get out. That's when he became involved with the FBI. Some favors were called in, the next thing he knew, he was working for the "Hate Crimes" division.
Being an Agent had its advantages, but the biggest disadvantage was being disconnected from his family. If he had been around more for Tea, maybe she never would have gotten involved with Todd in the first place. She had always wanted to be rich, but to accept five million dollars for marrying someone was beyond his comprehension. Had he been around, he would have been able to talk some sense into her.
He knew Tea was seeing him again. It was too obvious, her ignoring, mood swings and introvertedness. Those were the signs she displayed when she was seeing someone completely unworthy of her, sneaking around like some rebellious teenager. Even though she claimed not to care what anyone thought of her and that she would always be the outsider, she cared too much about what other people though. She tried to hide their relationship by not talking about it, but her face would betray her every single time. Mention his name, her eyes sparkled. Say something bad about him, risk having her turn and devour you completely.
He made a few phone calls, trying to track Todd down. He needed Todd to understand something. Needed to MAKE him understand something. Todd once made a promise, that if he ever hurt Tea, he wanted Del to kill him. He came close to it many times. The only reason he didn't is because of Tea. She always insisted she could handle Todd, he didn't bother her, he needed her; all excuses that the abused make for their abuser. Tea had always said he turned his anger and pain into himself, which was why he wanted to die if he should cause her harm. He did, yet he was still walking the face of the earth, doing whatever he wanted to do. Meanwhile, she was suffering because her love for him would never let her be completely free. Even after humiliating her, destroying a large part of her, he was still walking and had her following him around; always the loyal to those she loved.
More than for her, he wanted to track Todd down for himself. He wanted to take his anger out on him, make him pay for hurting her the way he did. She was irreparably damaged, by the failings of every person in her life, including him but most especially Todd.
It proved to be more difficult to track him down than he anticipated. He had to hand it to Todd; he was very smart when he didn't want to be found. Tea said his mind was one of the things that attracted her to him. He was very clever, could do anything he set his mind to. After many favors, someone came up with his address. Del grabbed a light spring jacket along with his gun, and went in search of Todd.
*****
Todd's Apartment
Todd stared at the precious pictures he kept in a frame, always in his field of view. It was a silver frame, designed for two large pictures on either side. He filled one side with a picture of Starr and the other side with a picture of Tea. He tended to stare at the pictures, wishing they could somehow leap off the page and back into his life. Wish they'd add another dimension where he could hold them, or let them hold him, if only for a few seconds.
Viki stopped by earlier, did her daily "check up" on him. He didn't mind it so much, not anymore. The company was welcome, for fear of driving himself completely insane if he was alone for too long. She told him she was leaving in a week, but would always be available if he needed her. That's what everyone said to him right before they made their way out of his life.
She sat him down and talked to him about Tea. Though he pretended not to, he listened with a keen ear at every detail. She told him that Tea still cared, and that if he wanted to be with her, he had to pull himself together. He laughed at her bitterly when she said that. He had never been "together" in his life, not even as a child. Nobody cared about him, he said, they only pitied him, or loathed him - never cared.
He wanted to believe Tea cared. Wanted to believe that she could find it in her heart to forgive him and give their relationship another try. He couldn't allow that though. The minute he'd let his guard down, he would get kicked again.
All he had were those pictures he held close to his heart. Pictures and the memories that were fading in his mind. Pretty soon, he wouldn't have those, and without them, there was no point to going on. Nothing ever lasted.
He needed some of J's "healing" magic, as he called it. Had been "clean" since the night in the bathtub when all hell broke loose. He wanted that feeling again, or that "non feeling" of being weightless in body and soul. Only J could give him that freedom. So he called and begged him to bring him some more of that "good shit" that would carry him somewhere else. J, in his always cool and relaxed demeanor, said he'd be right over with some "shit that'll take you to another fucking planet." Todd didn't care, as long as he could escape himself for awhile.
True to his word, J came over and brought some "shit." He wrapped a couple of joints for Todd, wrapped them good and tight, packing them with marijuana until it seemed they would burst at the seams. J didn't smoke, but he stayed and watched Todd's eyes roll back into his head at the very first puff. Watched as his body melted into the couch at the second puff. Watched how his eyes closed at the third puff.
J didn't smoke. He liked to watch his clients get high off his merchandise. That was how he got his thrills, bringing them pleasure. He observed Todd's demeanor change until he was completely mellow. J told him on more than one occasion how he was the most tense person he ever knew. The world resting on his shoulders was no way to live. "Whatever," had been Todd's reply. But after a few puffs, that world floated into oblivion.
When J left, Todd was alone with his pictures. He didn't feel all that happiness; the effects were a little different. He felt separated from his body, but not the feelings of pain. They were still there, only intensified a million times. A part of him wanted to sit down on the floor and cry, but the knock on the door put that on hold.
*****
Del took a taxi downtown to Todd's apartment. The subway, during rush hour was an unendurable pain in the ass. He would rather pay the exuberant fare than to be squished between strangers who smelled of funk, cigarettes and all kinds of other crap. After several failed attempts to hail a cab, as the drivers pretended not to hear his whistle or see his hand waving rapidly in the air, one finally pulled over. He mumbled the address to the foreign driver, who carelessly pulled out into traffic. While the driver attempted to make meaningless conversation, Del closed his eyes, his mind a million miles away.
He had no idea what he was going to say to Todd. Had no plan. Good thing he didn't load his gun or he may have followed through with his promise to kill Todd if he ever hurt Tea. He was only going to used it to intimidate him, didn't trust himself to carry a loaded gun when dealing with him. When the taxi pulled up to the building and he gave the driver his money, the doorman out front looked at Del as if asking what the fuck he was doing there. Del looked right back at him, flashed his badge and told the doorman to mind his "own mother fucking business."
He stood outside Todd's door, with his ear pressed against the cold, wooden door. It was too quiet, as if no one lived there at all. Finally, he banged on the door, calling Todd's name at the same time. He waited and waited, until a muffled, "I said give me a fucking minute," the voice bellowed through the door.
Todd peeked through the peephole first and when he saw Del's face on the other side, he moved around, confiscating anything that could get him into trouble. He gave his apartment a "once over" through his halfway shut and glazed eyes, before opening the door. Satisfied that everything was okay, he flung the door open. "What do you want?" He slurred.
Del was struck by how sick Todd looked. He had dealt with druggies, alcohol abusers, rapists, murderers, and by the looks in their eyes, he could always tell what there ailment was. Todd was just plain fucked up. He recalled the first time he had seen Todd, the epitome of good health. Now, he was literally only a shadow of his former self, and nearly half the size. "You and me got some talkin' to do," he said, pushing past Todd and into the apartment.
"No we don't."
"Uh huh, we're going to talk about my sister. Correction, I am going to talk about my sister and you are going to listen."
"Make it quick 'cause I got things I need to do," Todd responded, plopping down on the couch. He tried to cover his "highness," but he couldn't control his voice, or his hands, or his feet, or any part of his body. He stared hard at Del, noting that there wasn't much physical resemblance between he and Tea, but they both had a "take no shit" attitude. He thought of baiting Del into carrying out his promise to kill him, but thought better of it. There really was no sense in destroying someone else's life.
"Do you know Tea?"
"No Del," Todd began sarcastically, "I was married to her - twice - but I don't know a damn about her."
"Listen, Manning, don't get smart," he said, noting that Todd was very high on something.
"Wha's your point Del? Do you even have one, or did you come all this way jus' to fuck wit' me?"
"If you knew my sister at all, you would know to stay the fuck away from her. You'd know about how she's been treated in the past. You'd know she's better off without you and you'd walk out of her life for good, instead of that crying shit you do to suck her back into your life. If you knew her at all, you'd walk out of her life without a backwards glance. If - you - knew - her. So, Manning, I ask you again - do you know my sister?"
"Yeah - I think I know her pretty well. You're the one who doesn't know her. 'Cause I walked out of her life without a backwards glance but, as she would say, fate brought us back together." It was none of Del's business what happened between he and Tea. He knew Del would jump to the conclusion that they were together again, and he let him think that. If Tea wanted him to know differently, she would have said something. Instead, he was there jumping to all the wrong conclusions, which made Todd wonder why she didn't deny it.
Del ignored his comment about he and Tea being back "together," chose to let those words vanish without acknowledgement. "Did Tea ever tell you about our mother?"
"A li'l. Why?"
"Did she tell you about the day she found out our mother had left for good?" Todd shook his head in an exaggerated motion, while Del continued to tell the story. "It was the middle of the night when she left. Nobody was awake in the house but me. Mami had been slowly taking her things out of the apartment. I remember watching her watch Tea through a crack in the bedroom door. She put a note on her chest, gave her a kiss and walked away from her youngest child and her only daughter. Didn't you do the same thing?"
"It's none of your bus'ness."
"You're wrong about that. When it involves Tea, it is my business. Tea tried to find our mother for years after she left. I remember how she used to wander the streets at all times of night, looking for any signs of her. She asked strangers, carried around a small picture. She never heard from her again. Never. So she's felt guilty ever since. And look at you. You did the same thing, and whether she admits it or not, a part of her was dying to see you again
"You're wrong about that. When it involves Tea, it is my business. Tea tried to find our mother for years after she left. I remember how she used to wander the streets at all times of night, looking for any signs of her. She asked strangers, carried around a small picture. She never heard from her again. Never. So she's felt guilty ever since. And look at you. You did the same thing, and whether she admits it or not, a part of her was dying to see you again so she could know why you left her."
"And your point is?"
"Tell her why you left the first time, and why you're going to leave a second time. Walk away and let her live her life."
In the long run, even being high, he knew Del was right. He tarnished everything his touched, or in her case, didn't touch. He was always wrong, doing the wrong thing to the wrong person, without realizing the damage he caused until it was too late. Even with Tea, in loving her, he hurt one of the two people he loved most. At the same time, she was an addiction. His heart could never let him walk away completely; neither could hers.
You gonna let some fucking cop tell you what to do? You probably will you fucking pussy. Never could stand up for yourself like a man. Remember all those times I kicked your ass and you didn't do a damned thing about it? I bet you still have the scars to remind you what a coward you are.
Todd swatted the voice away with a quick and out-of-control movement of his hand. He sunk deeper into the couch, spread his legs and put his hands behind his head. "No," he said simply, without even recalling the question.
"No what?" Del leaned over the couch into Todd's face. So close, he could smell the alcohol on his breath. He stepped back, the stench too strong.
"If she wants me t'go, she'll tell me. Does she even know you're here, Del? 'Cause if I know Tea, she's gonna be pissed that you in-ter-fered in her life."
"Don't worry about it. You know what? You're just like our father. Did you beat her up too? Did you rape her? Did you beat her into the ground with your words? Huh?" Del had him by the collar, not really seeing Todd but his father. The smell of alcohol took him back to a different time. Back to when he was a child and his father would go into a drunken rage. Todd was too much like him.
The word "rape" made him want to vomit. It was the same taunting word that Tea used the night he hit her. She rarely talked about her father. And when she did speak of him, she made it sound like he was some type of saint. It dawned on him how she never did speak much of her family. A mention here or there, never anything of any depth. He knew why she did it. She was always so focused on him and his wants and his needs and his pain, she didn't have time to deal with her own.
Del yanked him up from the couch, practically lifting him from the ground. Todd didn't have the energy or control to fight back. "You don't have anything to say for yourself? It must be true then. I swear, if you laid a hand - damn you!"
Todd reacted, slowly, but he reacted. Attempted to twist himself from Del's grip, but he could not. Just as if he was a child, he gave up fighting and let Del hold him up. They stared at each other, Del was out of breath, Todd was out of strength. "I gave you my time, now get th' fuck out," Todd said.
Del didn't have a reason to be there. Tea was gone. Todd was so blown out of his mind; there wasn't even a point to talking to him. He looked down at his trembling hands, wondering what was happening to him. The rage inside seemed so sudden and uncontrollable.
*****
Todd's Apartment Later that Night
Todd replayed the conversation with Del, the parts he could remember, over and over in his mind. For as long as he could remember he had been absorbed by his own problems. Like he was the only person in the world who was wronged. But Tea, though she never spoke about it, was just as wounded and had been equally wronged.
He walked around his apartment dazed, angry for what she had gone through. Then, he thought of Starr and how he left her with Blair. There were too many people he walked out on. He was no better than his mother, or Tea's father - walk out rather than face the music.
He understood more about her after talking with Del. Things that didn't make since before were suddenly crystal clear. She was just as afraid as he was of committing her heart to someone. She had been abandoned, just like he had been abandoned. He had promised her that he would walk out on her like her mother. Yet he did exactly that.
Over the years, he had a private investigator that he would occasionally call upon. Todd rifled through his wallet, in search for his number. Passed it over a few times before the letters came together and made sense. His fingers had a hard time making contact with the buttons one the telephone, so he had to concentrate especially hard. It took several tries, but he was able to dial the number on the card.
"Marcelli," the voice answered.
"Yeah, it's Todd Manning."
"Well, Mr. Manning, it's been awhile. I thought you fell off the face of the earth."
"Naw, listen, I got some work for you. I need you to find someone for me. Leon Delgado."
"Hang on, let me write this down." Todd hears him shuffling things around on the other end and pick up the receiver again. "Okay - Leon Delgado."
"Yeah, and find him quick. There's extra cash in it for you."
