| RUNNING ON EMPTY BY TORRI |
CHAPTER 36 |
Jamaica Tea's Suite
As she ran into the bathroom, all she could think of was the mess she had become or always was. A whore to life; let it use and control her, until she had lost track of how she got there. The stranger was left lying bewildered on her bed, all-knowing, yet saying nothing. Time had taught him to let the walking wounded work things out for themselves. The man in him wanted to take her mind and body to another hemisphere through his version of loving. She needed to be left alone; rather, she needed to be away from him. Though he wasn't the problem, nor was he the solution. Disappointed, as quietly as he could, he got dressed.
"Listen, I understand you havin' misgivins'. Don't worry 'bout it. I'll go now but I'll be down at de club every night dis week if you want to hang out, or whatever."
He couldn't hear her, but he could "see" what was going on behind the locked door. She didn't acknowledge him in any way. Once she heard his feet carrying him away, she finally released the breath she had been holding.
Cold water flowed over her hands, but it felt hot to her. She snatched her hands back, thinking she had been scalded. Flipping them over, one by one, and then back over, she looked for evidence of burns. There were none.
"You're losing it Delga...Tea." She turned the water back on, cold again, cupped her hands underneath the steady stream. Let them fill with ice cold water, and splashed it on her face. As it made contact with her skin, near her nose especially, she found it hard to catch her breath. Gasping, she wrapped her hands around her throat, but it felt like something was already there.
Calm. Calm down. Relax. It's only water. Pull yourself together.
She slumped against the wall; wet hair dripping onto her nakedness, streaming down her body. Realizing the state she was in, she became self-conscious. Nobody else was there, but still, she was uncomfortable in her nakedness. She grabbed a fluffy white towel that hung from a rack and wrapped it around her body tightly - too tight it felt like a constrictor.
Everything seemed to cut off her air circulation. She thought it was the change in weather; sometimes it affected her breathing. It had to be the climate.
Eventually, she tried to sleep. Laying in bed, she watched the sheer curtains blow around in the wind from the balcony. They were so free, going with the flow, bending and moving and dancing. She turned over in bed, closed her eyes, jealous of their freedom. A big gust of wind blew at her back, wrapped around her body and nudged her. Her eyelids popped open, the telephone stared directly in her face.
"Pay attention to me," it said. "Pick up," it urged.
She didn't know who or what IT was but IT had been trying to get her attention all day. It never stopped. She could never just be alone with her thoughts without her intuition interrupted her attempts at inner peace. She stared at the phone for a long time, trying to figure out exactly whom she was supposed to call. Just as suddenly as those feelings came and went, the name "Todd" flashed in front of her. Without any additional prompting, she picked up the phone and called his number.
No one answered. She looked at her clock, and calculated the time difference it was three a.m. in New York. Where the hell are you? Then again, it wasn't that unusual for him to stay out all night, wandering the streets.
"Todd, it's Tea. I was just calling to check on you. I'm out of town right now, but I'll be back at the end of the week. Um ..I.. okay...well I'll talk to you soon."
*****
Todd's Apartment
Misty had tried to worm her way into Viki's good graces by offering to do this or that, but Viki was having none of it. Misty didn't know anything about Todd's wants or needs; she was only out for her wants and needs. She had practically accosted Viki before she left the hospital, asking all kinds of questions. Shallow questions.
"Is his brain okay?"
"How does he look?"
"Is his complexion back to normal?"
Viki gazed at her like she was something from outer space, rolling her eyes. Todd tended to do the absolute worst things for himself, and Misty certainly fell into that category. Last Viki could remember she left her standing in the hall with a bewildered look on her face.
She meandered around his mess of an apartment, not sure of what she was looking for. Maybe clues to the life he had been leading, or maybe just a way to reconnect with him. Maybe nothing more than a place to lay her head for a couple of hours.
The apartment reeked of stale smoke and old alcohol. Stank of sadness. Dark and dreary, it sucked the energy right out of her. She sank into the couch, looking around the strange place he called home. The décor resembled the penthouse before he had it redecorated, only darker.
She thought of all the warning signs she had missed. Alarm bells had gone off in her head when she spoke to him last; he slurred his way though an entire conversation, but she was too busy doing other things to notice. She couldn't feel his trouble or his danger like she once could; their connection wasn't as strong.
Some people were dealt such rotten hands in life it didn't seem fair. They tried and tried; yet life kept throwing curveball after curveball in their direction, trying to break them. Well, life had finally succeeded in breaking him; it was questionable whether he would ever come back to the plate. His cries were ignored as a child, and even in adulthood nobody paid attention. Never paid attention until it was too late to do anything.
*****
The Hospital One Day Later
Todd could hear everything around him, the whirring, beeping, humming of the machines. Could feel things connected to his chest, inserted into his arm, shoved up his nose. But he wasn't free to open his eyes or even move...he was stuck in his own dreamland.
Spoke to Tea inside his head. Touched her. Listened to her. Desired her. In dreamland, he was free from the demons, allowed to play with her. She let him close to her, let him touch her hair, whisper in her ear, let him do the things that came naturally. He loved it there.
Until Peter appeared next to her, standing, while he kneeled at her feet. Said she was his woman now. He was going to fill her up the way Todd couldn't. Teach her about being with a real man. Peter touched her, put his hand in the small of her back, steered her away from Todd. He touched her. As they walked away and Peter removed his hand from her body, her white dress was left with a black hole burned out, in the shape of a hand. The burn seared her skin; she was his for life.
"Tea, no. Tea, please don't go with him. He'll destroy you, please, don't go."
Peter turned back to him, but he ceased to be Peter he was Todd. A healthier version, though evil looking with his red pupils. Laughed maniacally as he led Tea away into a place of all red light. He crawled behind them, the skin on his hands and knees rubbed raw against the steaming ground as he crossed into another dimension.
"Tea, Tea where are you?" His voice echoed against the walls of the catacombs. Dodged mummy-like creatures in tattered clothing and black, empty eyes. "Tea," he yelled frantically, avoiding the outstretched arms of the dead around him.
A light flicked on at the end of the tunnel, red light, "Come on end," it said to him. Without caution or forethought, he struggled to his feet, running on a bed if nails to get to her. Nails pierced his feet, bloodying them, but he felt no pain.
"Tea!" He screamed into the air.
Someone was laughing at him. From every direction, he heard laughter, becoming louder with each second. He ignored the voices, some from within, some from around him; his lungs burned with fire by the time he reached the doorway. There was a drop-off at the end of the hall, a huge pit with no end. There was no fire beneath him, only darkness, but he could see her. He could see her bound to a bed covered with red satin sheets. Her arms and legs spread wide, shackled to the bedposts with black, leather straps.
All he could do was watch himself with her. Standing over her, a giant compared to her small frame. She looked over at him, her eyes begging for his help. Opening her fist and trying to reach out to him.
"Take a long, hard look Todd. You did this to her. You brought her into your world, let her see your darkness. When she wanted light, you played with her. Tied her up with empty promises, gagged her with your occasional kisses. She's gone now Todd and you've destroyed any chance she ever had for light."
"No!!!" He screamed, lunging toward her but falling instead into the endless abyss of darkness.
"Tea!" He shouted.
"You're okay Todd." It wasn't her voice, he knew that, but held his eyes closed tight with the hopes that when he opened them, she would be sitting right next to him.
He pulled himself back to reality, opening his eyes slowly, one by one. He looked around...saw the blond hair shining. It was Misty. He let out an aggravated growl, turning away from her.
Two nurses burst into the room, check the machines and his vitals as he squirmed beneath their touch. "What happened in here?" One nurse asked, satisfied that he was okay. She was small, petite like Tea, long, dark hair, big brown eyes and Latino. Though she only slightly resembled Tea, it was enough to calm Todd down.
"Nothing," he grumbled, staring at the nurse.
"Mr. Manning, are you aware where you are?"
"Let me take a wild guess. With all these machines hooked up to me, and a couple of women in white uniforms, I'd guess I'm in a hospital? And that's my final answer."
"You're right seven more 'til a million," the Latino nurse said. He glanced at her nametag, but couldn't make out the letters. "Did you try to kill yourself?"
"What are my choices? Oh wait yes no maybe so or I'll never tell?" He paused dramatically, "I'd like to use one of my lifelines," he joked.
"Guess that rules out the possibility of no brain damage," she said, pretending to write something on his chart.
He lay silently, squinting to see her nametag. She leaned over him to adjust his I.V., making it visible to him. It read "Rosa." Again, he thought of Tea. Wished she was the nurse taking care of him, leaning over him, joking and comforting him. She gave him the best care he ever had, he wanted that again.
Both nurses left, with the promise that the doctor would be back soon. He didn't want to see a doctor, didn't want to hear their "this is your brain this is your brain on drugs" speech. They thought they were so smart with their fancy degrees and title, but they weren't. They should have left me for dead, he thought, turning to Misty who stood off in a corner.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"Is that any way to talk to the woman who saved your life?" She asked, stepping out of the darkness of the corner and into the light of the machines. If she was Tea, she would have glowed under that light.
"You shoulda just let me fuckin' die. I was in a good place and, like always, you had to fuckin' ruin it."
"You certainly made a quick recovery."
"Yeah, that's me, I'm a fast healer. Look," he said softening, "I appreciate you being here, but I want to be alone right now."
*****
Jamaica An Outdoor Café
When Tea didn't sleep, her eyes shone a little differently in the sunlight. They weren't quite as bright, and she always looked on the verge of tears. A little puffy underneath, they gave no other indication of her nighttime turmoil.
Roseanne knocked on her door bright and early, feeling refreshed after sleeping for nearly eighteen hours. She found that her body needed more of everything since she became pregnant. More sleep, more food, more care. It was nice, spoiling herself for a change. It also helped that she knew she and Christian would be trying to work things out once they went back to the States.
She waited for Tea to fight her way through a shower and through several distractions that she would not speak of. Every few minutes, she would just freeze up, look around, shake her head and continue doing whatever she was doing. Roseanne didn't say anything; she had grown used to Tea's spontaneous eruptions of anger, or just as sudden silences. It was Tea being Tea. Besides, Del was the only person that could get through to her when she was in one of her moods, always had been.
They met Del for breakfast at a quaint little café at the edge of the beach. Often, she would break her ears away from the conversation and listen to the water beating against the beach. Watching the birds fly freely into the blue sky, she wanted to join them in their flight away from the perils of the land.
"What's so fascinating out there?" Del asked, watching her eyes as she took in the beauty of nature. He had hoped that the time away would snap her out of whatever she was going through, but it hadn't worked so far. Even when they were kids, he had to play the "guess what's ailing me" game because she was so closed off from everyone else. Kids were supposed to share their feelings, and say whatever was on their minds; they were supposed to trust. Supposed to but she didn't.
"Nothing, I'm just enjoying being out here. It's relaxing."
"Yeah. Rosie was just telling me how she would've loved to grow up in Puerto Rico. There's something about the beach."
"Do you remember how mami used to tell us about the beach? You remember how she used to dance out there, and how her long hair used to blow in the wind? You remember her stories Del?"
"Yeah."
Sometimes, she had memories like there, where something would remind her of a story she heard as a child she could almost hear her mother re-telling it. She always had something funny to say at the end, some joke, and she would throw her head back and laugh. There was so much sadness in their apartment all those years before, that laughter was the only thing that made it bearable. Sometimes.
*****
Jamaica The Beach
Roseanne's pregnancy made it difficult for her to stay awake for long periods of time. Between all day sickness and sleep, she didn't have much time to do anything else. It was going to be a difficult pregnancy it ran in the family. All of the women in their family had difficulties; from breech births to near deaths of mother and child nothing ever ran smoothly. She knew that, so she was extra careful to pay attention to her body's signals of wear and tear. So, while Tea and Del walked along the beach, she went back to her room and took a long nap.
Del took Tea's hand as they walked along the sand. He didn't know she had walked the very same route the night before alone so she pretended it was new to her. The sun was bright and hot against her skin, and she had once imagined Todd's hands spreading sun block all over her body, cooling her off and protecting her at the same time. But he wasn't there she kept reminding herself.
"How's Manning?" Del searched her face for a reaction, a twitch, a wink something. She used to call him secretly, crying about something Todd had done, or did not do. A couple of times, he even met her in a remote area of town and let her cry on his shoulder. Most of the time, she looked like a whipped dog, tears staining her cheeks. He wanted to kill him, but she always talked him out of it, speaking of how much she loved him. Made him envious, and mad as hell that someone like Todd could have a good woman loving him as much as Tea. So many times she said without him she thought she'd die that she'd rather live with the pain of loving him, than to live with the pain of not having him. And when things ended between them, she expressed nothing but remorse for ever having known him. But he knew the truth, and the depth of her pain that only Todd could cause her.
"How should I know?" As she said those words, she felt the corner of her mouth twitch. She was sure he had picked up on it. Fuck it, she thought. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a large boulder on the edge of the beach. She lifted her body upon it, staring at the horizon.
"Maybe you don't know and that's what's bothering you."
"Maybe," she said, playing along. She closed her eyes, imagining her mother running in the sand, and her father chasing after her, splashing water all over. She imagined the simpler times, when they had first started to fall in love, before things got bad. "You ever think about mami and papi? You ever wonder how they things got so bad?"
"You were so young when she left." He sat down next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. He too looked out at the horizon, at the guarantee of life that the sun would always rise and set. They should have had the guarantee of every morning with a mother waking them up, and every night a father kissing them. "It hit you the hardest, didn't it?" He gently stroked her hair in a slow rhythm.
"It hit us all hard. Del, how can everything go from being perfect one minute to so fucked up the next?"
"I don't know, angel. If I did, I would protect you from all of that." He gave her shoulder an extra squeeze, and her forehead a kiss. "I love you, you know."
"I love you too, Del." He was loyal to her, the only man that had ever been completely loyal to her. She wanted to cry for him. Cry for the unconditional love he gave to her, even when she was shutting down. She smiled a weak smile, and asked him the question she was sure he couldn't answer. "Does it always hurt so much?"
"What?"
"Living. Does living, breathing, loving does it all hurt so much?" She lifted up from his shoulder, looking directly into his eyes. He was the only one that had never lied to her. No matter how much it might hurt her, he always told her the truth, as it was, and not as he wanted her to see it.
"I don't have all the answers. I tell you what though, you gotta let go of all that shit 'cause it ain't nothing but an anchor. Cut your losses and move on. I tell you another thing, little one, it's okay to cry."
