| RUNNING ON EMPTY BY TORRI |
CHAPTER 35 |
Tea's Suite
Tea fumbled around with the key, scraping it against the metal knob several times, before opening the door. It was wrong to bring a stranger back to her room, but it was the only way she knew how to deal with what was going on inside her. A wise woman once told her that she was the beloved, but all she wanted was to be loved. So many nights she spent underneath some strange man in her quest to find love, silently begging him to love her. Afterwards, she was left feeling just as empty and unsatisfied as before. Yet she kept doing it. Kept repeating the pattern with the hope that one day she would hit pay dirt and get what she had been searching for her whole life.
She was not drunk enough. It was really the only way she could live with herself, knowing that she was, in many ways, a prostitute. I'll give you my body if you give me your love. Alcohol, in its distortion ability, increased her self-esteem to a point where she could have sex without completely hating herself until afterwards.
"Have a seat," she instructed. "Would you like a drink?" Her keys hit against the glass table, sliding across the surface. She couldn't do her normal "sexy walk," which she used when she wanted some attention. Her hips didn't want to move that way, nor did she want them to. Second, third and fourth thoughts entered her mind as she poured herself a scotch on the rocks.
"I don't want noting, but tank you," he answered, licking his lips in anticipation of the gift he was going to have later that night.
Ice cubes popped as the hot of the alcohol dripped down into the glass. She stirred it up with her finger, tasting what was left on it. It was strong, too strong, but it would do the trick. Natural
He relaxed on the couch, spreading his arms out to either side of him. He had already kicked off his shoes and made himself comfortable. "So, how long you here for?"
"I'm supposed to stay a week, but I might have to leave earlier than that."
"What, you got a husband back where you from? Might make you come 'ome early?"
"No." She took a large gulp of her scotch, letting it burn as it went down. The glass in her hand shook, the ice clanked against the side. It was not like her to be so nervous. She was used to turning her emotions off so she wouldn't feel so whorish.
"Oh. Why don't you come over here and let me help you relax. I bet I can do a better job than that stuff you're drinking."
Tea, what are you doing here? You're not going to find what you want. You're never going to find what you want because you want it too bad. Don't you know by now that the things you covet so, you will never have?
Everything was happening too quickly. She didn't even know the guy's name, yet she was more than willing to just hop into bed with him at their first meeting. Willing, but not ready. Something inside her propelled her body forward, toward the couch, right next to him, where she sat silently, fingering the top of her glass.
"'Dere you go. So, what's got you so messed up in 'de head?"
"What makes you think there's something going on in my head?"
"I see 'tings."
"What? Dead people?" She chuckled at her own joke, exposing her radiant smile.
"You Americans 'ave the strangest sense of 'umor. No, I don't see dead people, I see inside people. I can see 'dere souls."
If he could have seen her soul, she determined, he would have seen nothing but an empty black hole, filled with nothing. Eyes were the windows hers had changed from a dark brown, to a color close to coal black. Her body shifted as she eased to the opposite corner of the couch.
"I see right now that I make you uncomfortable."
"Maybe a little. I don't really feel like talking right now."
"Good, 'cause I'm going to do 'de talking. I see you are running from someting. You've been hurt and you tink you can just ignore it. But it pounds away at you. It eats away at you. Your whole life has been about hurting, but you thought you found a cure for it-"
She wanted him to stop. Wanted to take some thick, silver duct tape and wrap it around his mouth. He had no right to try and "read" her; he had no rights to her at all. Her eyes darted around the room, seeking an escape from this conversation. It was clear that he wasn't going to stop until he was ready, but she didn't have to listen. She could tune him out, focus on something else until he was finished rambling.
"'Dere ain't no cure for it, you know," he finished.
"You mean you don't have some sort of herbs, or Rastafarian recipes that you could give me to cure whatever you think ails me?"
"You're a feisty one I saw that too. I don't have no recipes, as you called 'dem, all I got is me."
"Well then, stop talking and start doing whatever it is that you do."
*****
The Hospital
Todd's hospital room was private. Viki wanted it that way, didn't want to risk the press finding out that he was there. Like vultures, they would hover outside, hounding anyone in a white coat, or anyone connected to Todd, about his condition.
Sometimes, she hated being a journalist. The things she was forced to do for a story but when it came to someone she loved she just wanted privacy. She had lost track of time, as she sat alone in the darkness of his room. Watching him, feeling for a pulse every now and then just to make sure he was still alive. Whenever she felt that slight beating against his skin, she breathed a sigh of relief.
She had tried to contact Tea several times. She called her penthouse and left a message on her machine. Called her office and left a message on the machine. She called her cell phone and left a voice message. The one time she absolutely needed her, she was unreachable. It was probably best, she thought, especially with Misty wandering around. Tea had been hurt so many times by him, seeing him with another woman was too much of any person to bear.
There was a small window in the room where a little light peeked in from the city. It was contrasting, as the city below was alive and moving, and she was in a hospital room with someone alive by a thread and not moving at all. Too many people she loved had been confined to hospital rooms and hospital beds; she was beginning to feel like she spent most of her life pacing the tiled floors.
One of the night nurses quietly entered the room, checked his vitals, changed his I.V., and in a flash, she was gone again. Viki only watched. The woman was so robotic, she never even looked at his face, just did her job. To most people, he was probably a nothing, but to watch how the nurse moved about, without even looking it broke her heart. She wanted to scream at her to look at him. See the darkness around his eyes. Feel his thin skin. Touch his unshaven face. Treat him as a human being. Acknowledge him.
It had been that way his whole life. People ignoring him, looking the other way, pretending he didn't exist at all. Nobody cared for him, and if they had, his life probably would have turned out much differently. Though her life had been sad and fraught with familial viciousness, it couldn't compare to what he went through alone. It was probably the biggest difference between them, she had other family, people paid attention to her she was a Lord. He was just another little boy, lost in the system.
She hated being dishonest and evasive, especially with her children. They never did understand the relationship she had with Todd, or why she loved him so much. He was just another piece of garbage to them, all except Jess. She had a heart much like Viki's, full of love and overflowing with forgiveness. The boys were different. Kevin had turned into a cruel and uncaring little boy; he was more like Todd than he would ever admit. Joey, was more sensitive, but also a follower. Wherever Kevin went, or whatever he would say, Joey went along. It was best that she kept them in the dark about why she was in New York.
Jess had answered the phone when she called. Kept is as simple and as vague as possible. Told her she was called away to New York for an emergency and she would be home as soon as humanly possible. Having grown up in a newspaper family, Jess knew the drill and didn't ask questions.
Todd was resting almost as comfortably as when she pulled him out of the tub only breathing. She thought of her own near death experience and wondered if he was in the same sort of limbo she was stuck in. He would be at peace, at least for a little while. He was so still, calm. That was usually a signal that a storm was brewing inside him and soon he was going to explode.
The pessimist overrode the optimist in her. As she watched him, she allowed her mind to think of what she would do if the worst happened. If his brain was damaged, and he was left in a state where he could not take care of himself, would she give everything up to take care of him? Just as soon as she entertained the question, she decided that she would give it all up and do what was necessary for him.
She walked in a circle around the tiny room, glancing at him every so often, looking for any sign of movement. The doctor had told her he would probably be out for the rest of the night but still she hoped he would come back sooner, rather than later. She didn't hear the door open, or the doctor step into the room.
"Mrs. Carpenter?" Dr. Haynes whispered.
"Oh, yes forgive me, I didn't hear you come in." She stopped walking and stared the doctor directly in the eyes, reading her face for bad news.
"You know, you should really go home and try and get some sleep. We have your brother heavily sedated; he will be out for the night. If you leave a number, we can call you if something changes."
"I, I really don't want to leave him like this, you know? If something happens to him, I want to be here."
"I assure you, he is out of danger. However, there is something else I would like to discuss with you."
"Yes, what is it?"
"Why don't we discuss this in my office?" She stepped to the side, touching Viki briefly in the back, ushering her down the long hallway. "Oh," she turned suddenly to Viki, "should we get the other young lady that came in with you?"
"Absolutely not," Viki stated with conviction. Misty was nothing but trouble; smelled like it, acted like it she was too much like Blair. She cringed at the comparison. The only good thing that had come from that marriage was Starr. To herself, Viki thanked God that Starr had Tea as a role model, if only temporarily.
"Right in here," Dr. Haynes said, leading Viki into her tiny office. Doctor's offices always intimidated Viki. They were overpowering at times, as if the people who worked in them were superior to everyone else in the world. They sat at a regular desk, surrounded in shades of white. They played God to so many patients, that white seemed a fitting color. Dr. Haynes didn't go around to the other side of her desk; she sat on top of it, removed her glasses, and observed Viki before proceeding.
Viki didn't like being under surveillance by anyone. It made her self-conscious and uncomfortable in their presence. As a reporter, she often did the same thing, making people so uncomfortable that they were soon telling their life's story.
"Mrs. Carpenter, we received the results of Mr. Manning's blood work from the lab, and we found some things that I would like to discuss with you."
"Yes, go ahead."
"Well, we did find large amounts of alcohol in his system, and a large amounts of marijuana and PCP."
"What?" She shook slightly, running both hands through her hair. Of all the things he could have gotten involved in, drugs were the things that frightened her most. Todd had addictions all his life. He was addicted to sex. Addicted to power. Addicted to not having sex. Addicted to hurting others. Addicted to a particular woman at one time or another. But those were all things he could sometimes control. At least he could control them when he wanted and under his terms. Drugs were something that took over lives. Alcohol and drugs combined, there was no controlling the urges.
"There has been some liver damage, but we have yet to ascertain that exact amount. At this point, I think he's out of the woods, as far as from the drowning."
"Oh, God. Dr. Haynes, do you think he was, perhaps, trying to commit suicide?"
"I can't speak to his state of mind before this incident, but my guess is no. One of the dangers of PCP is the way the body reacts. It tends to make the user very listless and sometimes they cannot control their bodies. It is common for PCP addicts to drown because they simply do not have enough energy to hold their bodies above water."
Viki let herself feel bad for only a few moments before taking charge of the situation as she always did. She didn't have time to cry or feel bad for herself; it was not a part of her personality. "Okay, how can we deal with this situation?"
*****
Jamaica Tea's Suite
Not knowing sometimes made things easier. Not knowing the dread locked stranger's name was the best thing for Tea. That way, she could pretend it was all a bad dream. She could pretend that she wasn't really about to have sex with him the no named man. She could pretend that she wasn't on a beautiful island with no one to watch the sunset. It was best she didn't know who he was; otherwise she might actually feel something.
As luscious as his lips were, she found herself turning away from them whenever they would come near hers. As large as his hands were, they burned when they touched her skin. Yet she kept on, allowing him to control her.
He removed what little she was wearing, and suddenly, she became chilly. The coldness came from the inside of her, traveling toward the outside. When it hit, she shivered, causing him to step back and look at her.
"What's in your eyes woman? I see someting, but I can't make out what it is. You scared or someting?"
Am I scared? Am I something else? God, I don't even know what's going on anymore. Am I afraid? Oh shit, what's going on? I feel so out of control, like somebody else is at the helm and I'm just the vessel. Whatever you are, just go away and let me live in peace.
You can't live in peace; you should know that by now. There's no rest for the weary. Suck it up, deal with it. You wanted a good life, with wealth, and you got it. Don't feel sorry for yourself because it's not all it was cracked up to be.
Shaking her inner voices out of her head, she answered the stranger by kissing him. Closing her eyes, pretending he was a different man and it was a different time. She moaned into his mouth, aggressively pushing him back toward the bed. She was going to show him she felt good, and make him feel good during the process. She was going to prove to herself that she was a normal woman.
"You so soft," he whispered.
Tea didn't hear him. Didn't feel much of anything either. He ran his hands along her body, caressing her as if she was a china doll. She was above him, then to the side, then underneath. He allowed his fingers the luxury of massaging her breasts, alternately licking her nipples, then touching them with his fingers. He went lower. Roaming the flatland of her stomach, twisting a few hairs near the top of her pubic line. He went lower, to the clitoris. As he made contact, she arched her body.
"Please, make it go away," she begged, with her eyes closed. As soon as she realized what she said, her eyes sprang open and she pushed him off of her. "I'm sorry, I can't do this," she said, shakily getting off the bed and running into the bathroom.
