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| RUNNING ON EMPTY BY TORRI |
CHAPTER 7 |
The weekend had practically flown by. It just didn't seem like enough time to spend with Starr, especially after having been away for so long. There was a lot of making up to do. Of course, an eternity would not be enough time to make up for abandoning her. The important thing, though, was Starr. As long as she was happy and having a good time...everything was okay.
The older she got, the more she looked like her father. They had similar hair, similar eyes, and the same mischievous grin. She was a little devil too. Sneaking into Tea's makeup…covering her face with red lipstick. Knowing she was in trouble, she would flash Tea this look…a knee weakening look…and Tea would melt. She was becoming an expert at the game of manipulation. She really didn't have a choice with a mother like Blair and a father like Todd.
Starr had taken to sleeping in Tea's bed with her. With Blair hardly ever around, she needed the closeness of her friend. She would nestle into Tea's arm, inhaling her sweet aroma. She had always loved the way Tea smelled…sweet. At the penthouse, when they were a family, Tea would sing her Spanish lullabies and whisper in her ear how much she loved her. Made her feel good…worked wonders for Tea. She had actually begun to believe that she could be a good mother.
With Starr resting in her arms, Tea squeezed her a little tighter. They only had a few more hours before it was all over, and everyone went back to their separate lives. Kissing her on the top of her head, Tea tried to get up…but the more she pulled away, the closer Starr clung to her.
"Oh sweetie," Tea sniffled, "I love you so much." Starr must have heard her because a small smile formed on her lips and she moved away long enough for Tea to get out of bed.
Viki, a morning person, had been up for hours when Tea emerged from her bedroom. Oh God, I hate morning people. Partially sleepwalking, she felt her way to the kitchen, blindly pouring herself a cup of coffee. Each sip brought her closer to alertness. Reality began to set in…shortly…her life would return to its normal routines. Living the lonely life.
Tea thought that she had been quiet enough as to not disturb Viki…or not let Viki know she was awake. She was all talked out. Viki had a knack for pulling the truth out of people, even when they were determined to keep their mouths shut. It's why she was such a good reporter. But Tea had to same gift…it's what made her such a great attorney. Reporter vs. lawyer.
Her questions started out innocent enough. Small talk…weather, business, life…but eventually Viki probed deeper. Tried to probe deeper. With the deftness of a skilled evader, Tea was able keep Viki at arms length. Even Todd would have been proud. After all, he was the master.
She took the opportunity to think about him. What he was doing. Where he was. If he thought of her. The usual thoughts that plagued the jilted's mind. The butterflies in her stomach fluttered…the feeling of love. It would always be there, deep inside…hidden from the world. She pushed it as deep as she could, but it was still there, as strong, if not stronger than ever.
Viki heard Tea trying to sneak into the kitchen unnoticed. She tiptoed and tap danced around everything, especially personal topics. There was something going on with her…Viki could feel it. Always the strong woman, she would never crack. She had to be broken down, slowly…handled with kit gloves.
>From the doorway, with her head hung low, it appeared as if Tea was praying. Or maybe she was crying, it was difficult to tell from that angle. She wasn't shaking, or making any noise…just sitting quietly. Around the same time, everyday, she would disappear…physically, emotionally. Viki had caught her in "moments" when she thought no one was around. Interrupting her seemed cruel; it was obvious that whatever she was thinking about was very important.
Sensing another presence in the room, for a brief moment she thought, "what if it was Todd?" Sneaking around was his M.O. Shaking her head, she banished the thought from her mind. Turning around, it was Viki in the doorway…her wheels spinning.
"Morning Viki." She didn't add the "good" because there was nothing good about morning. It was merely the beginning to another day of secret longing and private suffering.
"Good morning, Tea. I didn't interrupt anything, did I?"
"No." Moving…Tea kept moving. If she could avoid Viki's eyes, her secrets would remain hidden. From one side of the room to the other, she cleaned the already spotless kitchen with a vengeance.
"Tea, why don't you stop for a minute and talk to me."
"I have to cook breakfast for Starr."
"Starr is still sleeping."
She hesitated. "Okay…just for a minute." Tea sat down at the kitchen table, across from Viki. This game is too damned hard.
"Tea, what's been troubling you?" Viki's radar honed in Tea's hands…twisting her necklace.
"Just work, that's all." It's only a partial lie.
"Uh, huh."
She's not buying it. Expand. "It's just this case that I've been working on…it's draining."
Todd taught her well. "You're young Tea, you can't live your life only for work."
Believe me…I don't. "I know."
"Have you heard from Todd?"
The butterflies became active again…her heart beat a bit faster. The necklace slipped through her fingers…her hands dropped to her lap…sweating. "No. Have you?" Is he okay? Does he miss us? Does he love me? Did he ever? Oh god.
"Every now and again, he calls. He doesn't say anything of course…but I know it is him."
"That's Todd."
"Yes it is. You know Tea, he really does love you and I believe he always will."
You don't leave people that you love. You don't lie to them…you don't hurt them. That's not love…it's sadistic. I thought we were forever, Todd. Tea drifted off into her impenetrable sphere of sadness.
"Tee! Tee!" Starr screamed from the bedroom.
Tea ran from the kitchen toward Starr's screams. Starr thrashed around in the bed…breathing heavily.
"Starr, sweetie, wake up. It's okay…I'm here." Starr's eyes popped open and she rushed into Tea's open arms…crying. "What's wrong? Did you have a nightmare?"
"Yeah," she sniffled.
"You want to talk about it? Sometimes that helps."
"You and daddy were getting married and I ruined it." She started to cry harder, wrapping her arms around Tea even tighter. "I gave that man the tape…and then everybody got mad at daddy. I was hiding and I saw you crying. I'm sorry Tee."
"Shh…it was only a dream. You have nothing to be sorry about."
"It's all my fault."
God, we really made a mess of things Todd. Tea's heart broke all over again. She should not have been surprised…had she seen her mother again…she would have felt exactly the same way. Not once since the wedding had she blamed Starr…it was all Todd and his lies. And it was her too…she was blind to his conniving. "None of what happened between your father and me was your fault. You know what?"
"What?"
"It was because of you that your daddy and I were married in the first place. It was because of you that we fell in love. You're what brought us together. I owe you a gigantic thank you."
"Why?"
"It's because of you that I was the happiest that I had ever been in my whole life."
Starr smiled, as Tea wiped away the last of her tears. "Really?"
"Really," Tea assured her. "Now, why don't you wash up and I'll go cook breakfast. Pancakes okay?"
"Okay. Tee?"
"Yes?"
"I love you."
"I love you too."
JFK Airport
Tea boarded the Buchanan jet, along with Viki and Starr. First class all the way, huh? Leather upholstery, thick, padded carpet…top of the line of everything. The interior of the plane was nicer than the basement apartment where Tea grew up. The life of the other half, she thought.
"Mrs. Carpenter, are you ready?" The captain asked over the intercom.
"In just a few minutes," she answered. "Well, Tea, thank you so much for your hospitality this weekend. And you know you are more than welcome to stay at Llanfair anytime."
"Thank you Viki."
Viki embraced Tea, squeezing tighter than necessary…rubbing her back. "If you need anything," Viki whispered, "anything at all…just let me know. Tea, whatever is bothering you, it will be okay. Just have faith."
"Thanks so much Viki." Tea pulled away, giving all of her attention to Starr. "I am so happy that we spent the weekend together."
"Me too."
"Lean back and let's fasten your seatbelt." As Tea leaned over Starr, she grabbed onto her neck.
"Tee, daddy said to take care of you and tell you he misses you."
Tea froze. "What?"
"Yeah…he sends me toys and letters and tapes."
"Do you ever write him back or send him tapes."
"Nope." She kisses Tea on the cheek and lets go of her. "Love ya."
"Love you too, sweetie. Call me if you ever need anything."
Limousine
White fell all around the car…large flakes…blizzard-like conditions. As if traffic was not already bad enough, the snow made things infinitely worse. Everything slowed to a crawl. Tea held her head in her hands, wanting nothing more than to go home and crawl inside her warm bed.
She was exhausted. Mentally…physically…emotionally. What she really wanted to do was cry. Too many memories had been stirred up…as if she didn't stir the pot a little each day. Having a physical reminder of him around was different. Starr was a miniature Todd. It made her think of what they could have had…the children they should have had. She almost wished that damned tape had never played…maybe then she could be happy.
She took a deep breath…practicing her meditation. It was virtually impossible to relax with all the noises around her. Car horns, loud music, screeching tires…all vying to dominate. Giving up, she lay her head on the back of the headrest.
There had to be a way to get him out of her system. He made it painfully clear that she was nothing more than the hired help…time and time again. Even at the very end, he thought he could buy her. It should not be so difficult to "wash that man right out of your hair." After everything that he had put her through, she should have been happy to live without him.
Shit, he had taken her to hell…didn't even have the courtesy to bring her back. Just left her in limbo…alone in her own hell. Hell may even be better than what she was experiencing. At least in hell she would have company. Granted, it would be the Carlo Hesser's and Alex Olanov's of the world…but it was company nonetheless. Todd wasn't entirely to blame for her loneliness. He was only to blame for her "detachment," she was to blame for her loneliness.
Life didn't make sense anymore. She tried to be a good person her whole life, yet she was always the one getting screwed. It was the bad people that got away with murder. Hell, Todd got away with hold fourteen people hostage. The world was so fucked up…evil triumphing over good. But Todd wasn't all bad. It was the bad that drew her to him…and the gray that kept her going back. So perfectly dysfunctional.
In the fairytales she read as a child, they lived happily ever after. Through experience, she learned that it was all bullshit. Forever was nothing more than a concept developed by the disillusioned…the idealistic…the princes and princesses of the white world. In her world, nothing ever lasted. Love…love endured…relationships did not. It was an accepted fact. Her mother left…but she supposedly loved her family. Numerous boyfriends left…but they supposedly loved her. Todd left…and he pledged his whole being to her…forever.
Maybe forever did exist. Her heart would ache for him forever. She would secretly long for him forever. She would be alone forever. How depressing.
