Sportscenter. He used to be one of those guys, the great athletes that could, run, jump, hit, punch…faster, higher, harder, than anybody else. Back in school, he was Mr. "All-Around Athlete," Mr. "Cool," Mr. "All That Shit That Everybody Else Wanted To Be." Couldn't figure out how he got to this place…this place of tortured loneliness. He was stuck now, in that place of emotional fucked-up ness…his soul lost long ago. It's why he didn't care about what happened to his mind, or his body, or his spirit…he was already dead and living in his own private hell.

Taking a long drag off his joint, he let his eyes linger at half-mast, feeling it taking him higher…lifting him from his hell. A helium balloon, suspending him high off the ground of reality. He smoked until the joint was barely a nub, the hot ash burning the tips of his fingers. His unfeeling fingers reached blindly for the plastic bag, which contained his drug of choice. It was empty.

"Fuck!"

Dropping the empty plastic bag on the floor, he felt around in the darkness until his hands made contact with his beer. Lifting it clumsily to his mouth, he filled it with the liquid, swishing it around in his mouth before swallowing. "Ah…"

*****

The beer bottle, resting on his stomach, rose and fell with Todd's breathing, as he slept agitatedly on the couch. Muffled sounds escaped his mouth with every toss and every turn.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." The bottle slipped from his fingers and rolled onto the floor. The noise didn't wake him, he was too far-gone.

She was right in front of him…close enough for him to touch. They were at the penthouse…alone…enveloped by candlelight. Millions of candles and soft music. She stood in the center of the room…wearing a red robe…the red robe that she wore the night he threw her out. Candles surrounded her…there was no way to get to her without being burned. There was no way to get to him without being burned. Yet they were so close.

She was saying something to him…words he could not understand. She spoke very softly…he strained his ears to hear her…but it was drowned out by the sound of his heart beating against his chest. Like a bass drum…it beat faster and faster as sweat dripped down this temples. Then his heart stopped, and all he could hear was his labored breathing. Each time he reached for her hand, the fire burned him.

"Todd, I just want you to love me. Come and get me," her voice was crystal clear, as was the loving look in her eyes. His knees weakened, and collapsed beneath him.

"I want to love you Tea…but it's too hard. It hurts too much. I'm reaching for you, but all I feel is pain."

"I don't hurt you. I won't hurt you. Fight for us…I'll be there with you…I'll meet you half way." She reached through the fire to grasp his hand, but his arms are to heavy to lift. His body won't move, he was frozen. "Meet me halfway…I love you."

"I'm trying. I'm trying Tea, but I can't."

She withdrew her hand and fingered the knot on her robe. She unknotted the belt…opened the robe…letting it drop to the floor. Naked. Exposed. Completely vulnerable she stood in front of him…yet again. Baring everything for him. Again, she reached through the fire, feeling for his hand, his fingers, any part of his flesh to grab on to. Again, he is paralyzed. She sighed, loudly, heavily; retrieving her robe she walked through the fire, right past him. "I was willing to endure anything for you and you couldn't even meet me half way," she said, over her shoulder.

Poof. She was gone.

"Don't leave me Tea." He jerked himself awake, hot, sweaty, reaching through the empty air for her. It took a second to register that he is alone…still.

The dreams of her had been more and more frequent. No matter how "nightmarish" the dreams were, any chance to see her face was a welcome opportunity. They always had similar themes. She would reach out to him and he would be unable to respond. It was like swimming through quicksand…getting nowhere fast…sinking slowly.

"Shit," he wiped the corners of his eyes where tears had begun to form. His eyes darted around the room, resting on the two pictures he held closest to his heart…Tea and Starr. He stared at them for the longest, that lonely ache in his heart becoming more painful with each passing second. "I thought you were going to be in my fairytale forever, Delgado."

Afraid to go back to sleep, he rolled off the couch and into a cold shower. Feeling the cold water beating against his hot chest, he drifted back to soberness. Seemingly forever, he simply leaned into the water, letting it cleanse the dirty thoughts that flowed through his mind. The prickling cold began to hurt…just the way he liked it. "Feel pain you dirty bastard. Take your punishment like a man."

*****

Later that Night A Seedy Bar

The freaks came out at night, and they all seemed to hang out at the same bar. The deviants of society…the loners…the "problem children." They crawled from underneath their various rocks…toothless…heartless…gutless…spineless…all to lose themselves.

Todd tipped back his chair, tequila in one hand…cigarette in the other. Hidden in a dark corner, wearing black from head to toe, he blended in perfectly. With the exception of the gold band that adorned his left hand ring finger. The waitress had been instructed to "keep it coming." Every so often, she would stop at his table, exchanging an empty glass for a full one.

His head started to ache from the combination of loud rock music, idle chatter, alcohol and smoke. He reached into his pocket, popped a couple of Aleve, dry, and continued to "people watch." While he watched, a brunette, who sat alone at the bar, was watching him. She had followed his every movement from the moment he walked through the front door. For over an hour she waited to see if anyone joined him. When it became apparent that he was expecting no one, she decided to approach his table.

He never saw her coming. By the time he did, it was too late and she was already seated at his table. Dammit!

"Hey." She tugged at the bottom of her cheap, skin tight, multi-colored dress. She leaned forward, giving him the opportunity to peak at her cleavage.

"Hey." He didn't give her a second look…the first one had been bad enough. If she had scraped off a couple of layers of makeup, she may have been pretty. At least halfway decent. That was another thing he loved about Tea…her natural beauty. She didn't have to wear the tight, low cut things…though he didn't mind when she dressed like that for his benefit. She didn't have to tease her hair, cover herself with gobs makeup to get attention…she just had to be herself. Damn!

"Why don't you buy a lady a drink?" She popped her gum annoyingly loud, chewing with her mouth open.

"If I do will you leave me alone?" He stared at her stone faced, looking right into her eyes…trying to intimidate her. She stared right back, unafraid, unflinching.

"Mmm, probably not."

"Well then I probably won't buy you a drink." He turned his back to her…pissed. His anger started to surface; something about her reminded him of Blair. It was the way she flaunted her sexuality, throwing it in his face.

"Well, a gentleman would certainly buy a lady a drink," she persisted. "By the way, the name's Celia."

"I ain't a gentleman and I want you to leave me the hell alone." His voice began to rise along with his temper. When it became obvious that she was not going to leave, he downed the last bit of tequila in his glass and slammed it against the table. Snatching his coat off the back of his chair, he quickly brushed past a few customers toward the door. She followed him.

"Hey, wait," she called, catching up with him and grabbing his arm.

"Get your goddamned hands off me," he yelled. "You see this?" holding up his left hand and showing her his wedding ring. "I am a married man so get the fuck away from me."

"Well," she starts, equally as upset, "what are you doing here then? Shouldn't you be home fucking your wife?"

He took a step toward her until his body was inches away from her. He was tempted to hit her, he wanted to hit her, but he controlled himself. His face turned crimson as he struggled with himself…his anger…his intense desire to hurt Celia or hurt himself.

Something in his face scared her into retreating. He ain't right in the head, she thought. His face, though beautiful and smooth and clean, it had a story. It was all there right in his eyes. She could see the internal battle that was going on, his expressions quickly changing from anger to hurt and back again.

*****

Later that Night A Deli

No matter what time it was, something was open in New York. Usually some neighborhood deli, filled with regulars, wide-awake at all hours of the night. They talked over coffee, stuffing their mouths with large sandwiches. Laughing and joking…just having a good time. But not Todd. Not screwed up Todd who couldn't sleep, barely ate, drank all the time, smoked dope, and wanted to die. He couldn't die though, "that's the coward's way out." Isn't that what she said?

He looked over the menu at the counter, not really seeing the words. All he wanted was a little peace, and he certainly couldn't get that back home. Within the quiet confines of his four walls, there was nothing to do but think about everything he had thrown away in his life…his wife…his daughter…his sister…his niece…his coach. Everything and everybody was gone. He was alone, truly alone, for the first time in his life.

He seemed to have an invisible aura around himself, one that attracted people, no matter how much he didn't want to be bothered. For the second time, a woman was watching him…this time a leggy blonde. He must have been losing his touch because he didn't see her coming either…not until it was too late.

"Well, we meet again."

He looked up from his menu, straight into the face of the woman he met in the elevator. Divine something. "Yeah." He motioned for the waitress who promptly took his order.

"So, let me re-introduce myself. I'm Misty." She did not attempt to shake his hand again. She knew exactly who he was, she figured it out after she saw him last. Todd Manning.

He continued to look at the menu, even though he had placed his order. Why can't people just leave me the fuck alone? The last thing he wanted or needed was another confrontation with a pushy woman. He could tell that it wasn't going to be easy to get rid of her.

"So, uh, you here alone?"

"I wish I was alone, but people keep bothering me." He placed the menu on the counter and gave him one of his patented "fuck off" looks. "I really don't feel like being bothered, so leave me alone."

"You have really great manners."

"What can I say…I'm a mannerable guy."

When the waitress fills his coffee mug, she spots his wedding band. Wonder what that's all about? I thought he and Tea were divorced. "You never did tell me your name."

"That's right."

"You'll never win a Mr. Congeniality award."

"I'm not trying." Todd's abdomen began to ache…his ulcers flaring up. They had developed sometime after he left Llanview. He tried to ignore the pain, but it became too much to handle. The doctor said his intestine was full of holes…just like my heart, he thought. He prescribed some medication, cautioning him that it might not "do the trick." Normally, carried his pills everywhere he went. Reaching into his breast pocket, he realized that he didn't have them with him. Fuck.

"You are a very interesting man."

She continued to babble…about what…Todd didn't know. He could only concentrate on the pain in his side. Beads of sweat began to form on his forehead…color drained from his face. Without his medication, the pain was unbearable. He rubbed his side, trying to massage the pain away. The bile fills the back of his throat, rushing through his esophagus so quickly that he barely has time to react. Knocking things over, he drunkenly staggered to the bathroom.

Just a few more steps and he would have made it. The nausea rushed him so fast, that there was no place to hurl but on the floor. Once…twice…three times…he vomited on the cheap tile. Unable to look away, he watched as it trailed through the cracks in the tile. Mixed with blood. Mixed with fucking blood. He held onto his side for dear life, until the ache started to subside…somewhat.

He splashed handful after handful of ice-cold water on his face…in his hair…in his mouth. Gotta stop drinking.

Outside of the bathroom, Misty waited…posing sexily against the wall. Sick or not, she wanted to take him home and make him "feel better"…by any means necessary.

He emerged from the bathroom, slowly, with one arm wrapped around his waist. Rolling his eyes as soon as he saw her, he brushed past, without uttering a word.

At the counter, his sandwich and coffee waited to be devoured by him. The mere sight made him feel ill again. He pushed the plate across the counter, asked to have it wrapped up, paid for his meal and left…Misty followed behind.

"Hey, you okay?"

"I'm fine…just leave me the hell alone," he said, without breaking stride, he threw the wrapped up sandwich on a homeless man.

"Let me take you home…you know…you don't look so hot."

"Yeah, well I'm not a hot lookin' guy." He hailed a cab, slamming the door before she could get in next to him.

"Where to sir?" The cab driver asked, looking at Todd through his rear view mirror.

"Just get me the hell away from here." Sick, cold, exhausted and pissed, Todd put his head against the window, wishing that the night would be over.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE:: The stories published on The Florencia Lozano Home Page are the property of the individual authors. You may not: Distribute the text to others without the EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION of the copyright owner. You may: print copies of the information for your own personal use, store the files on your computer for your own personal use, reference hypertext documents on this server from your own documents.

This site (and linked sites) is not affiliated with ABC Soaps and is not endorsed by them. The images, characters and settings are all copyrighted by ABC Daytime. All material included on these pages is for educational purposes, in accordance with the "Fair Use" Act.