The Florencia Lozano Homepage - Fan Fiction
| REACHING OUT BY TIMA |
CHAPTER 54 |
PREVIOUSLY:
Tea: I don't have enough strength for that, not anymore. Go back to Llanview. Go back to what you had there. You'll be happier. You'll just be frustrated if you stay here, and so will I.
Todd: I'm always frustrated. You're the only one who makes it less frustrating.
Tea: What do I make less frustrating for you?
Todd: Life.
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chapter 54:
Tea: Would you like to make life less frustrating for me?
Todd: I already did. I got rid of your brother.
Tea: Hey! I happen to love my brother.
Todd: Whatever!
Tea: You love your sister, don't you? I'm sorry...sisters. I forgot about your sister that I haven't met yet. What's her name again?
Todd: Scum!
Tea (laughing): I'm serious.
Todd: So am I.
Tea: So, it really is singular when it comes to loving your siblings?
Todd: I only met two of them and only one was worth meeting.
Tea: Do you love Viki?
Todd: Why should I torture myself saying the words about her when it won't get me anywhere with you?
Tea: Because, it's not a horrible thing to love people, or to admit that love.
Todd: Add both of those to the list of stuff we completely disagree about.
Tea: I know that you don't mean that, not deep in your heart.
Todd: Deep in my heart? There's another thing we disagree about.
Tea: You do have a heart, and it is very deep. I should know, I've tried to find a place for myself in that vast space.
Todd: You must have gotten lost and ended up in the wrong organ, because there is no depth to that other one you mentioned.
Tea: Your heart is very deep, and your love is very powerful.
Todd: Don't you have a shrink appointment to get to? You can talk about all kinds of sappy stuff with him. Just leave me out of it.
Tea: Why did I think that anything could be different this time?
Todd: I don't know. I never said that it would be.
Tea: But, you made me think that there was a chance. That, just maybe, everything that had happened had clarified things for you.
Todd: I'm completely clear on things.
Tea: Are you?
Todd: You still expect me to slice open my chest and bleed for you.
Tea: I just want you to love me and not run because that feeling scares you.
Todd: You've been running from it for years. You still are. You're ready to off yourself to get away from feeling all that lousy junk that you keep insisting I should open up and let myself feel.
Tea: I haven't offed myself. I'm here. I'm facing those feelings.
Todd: Only because I showed up. I saved your life.
Tea: In a way you did. But, this isn't the first time.
Todd: So, I pulled you from a burning building once...no big deal!
Tea: That was a big deal. But, that wasn't what I was referring to. I was willing to go through life with my heart shut down. But, you came along and you forced it open.
Todd: I didn't force anything on you.
Tea: How could I keep my heart closed with you in my life?
Todd: It was Starr that you did that heart opening thing for.
Tea: That's true, I did open my heart to her, because she was your daughter, because I thought, just maybe, we could be a family together. But, it turns out that she wanted a different family.
Todd: Not back then.
Tea: She must have always wanted it. She was probably just settling for me, because she couldn't live with her mother back then. Maybe you were settling, too.
Todd: This is why I hate talking.
Tea: You went back to Blair for a reason. You could go back again. You could try again. You could have the family that you've always wanted, that your daughter has always wanted.
Todd: She wanted to live with us. When I first went back, after you ditched me...
Tea: You left me.
Todd: Whatever! When I went to see Starr, she wanted to come live with us.
Tea: Really?
Todd: Who wouldn't? She was living in Buchanan hell. Even worse, she was living with Max. No kid should have to suffer through that. We should have taken her with us when we blew off Llanview. I never should have left her there all by herself, like that.
Tea: She had her mother.
Todd: Oh, please! Blair loves Max. She has for years. If that isn't a sign her cookies have crumbled, what is?
Tea: Max isn't that bad.
Todd: If you tell me you have the hots for him...
Tea: Please! I have better taste than that.
Todd: Is that a dig against Blair?
Tea: Maybe a little one. How she could choose Max over you, I'll never understand.
Todd: Not everyone sees things about me that aren't there, like you do.
Tea: It's all there, Todd. I can see it so clearly.
Todd: Maybe you should talk to your shrink about your mind playing tricks on you.
Tea: Maybe you should talk to a shrink about how much you hate yourself, about how much pain you're in.
Todd: I'm the same as I've always been.
Tea: Normal for you isn't normal for everyone else. Most people aren't in so much pain all the time. Most people aren't afraid to fall asleep.
Todd: I'm not afraid. I'm just not tired enough.
Tea: I don't believe that. I think you are afraid to close your eyes. I think you're still afraid of what your nightmares may put you through if you dare to close your eyes and give them the chance.
Todd: You used to be better at this, Delgado. You used to be able to read me.
Tea: If it isn't your nightmares, what is it? What's keeping you from closing your eyes and enjoying sleep?
Todd (laughing): Enjoying sleep? I have never in my life enjoyed sleep.
Tea: Perhaps that was the wrong choice of words. Just fill me in on the mystery. Why don't you want to sleep?
Todd: No reason.
Tea: This only has a chance of working this time if we trust each other, if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with each other. I've done that with you. Can you do that with me?
Todd: You won't even let me help you in the john.
Tea: If I did, if I trusted you with something so demoralizing, would you trust me with your secrets?
Todd: You really would feel lousy if I helped you in there?
Tea: You would never look at me the same way again.
Todd: I changed Starr's diapers...when there wasn't a chick around to do it. It didn't change how I feel about her.
Tea: This is different. I want you to think I'm sexy, not...
Todd: Not, what?
Tea: I don't want to be a burden.
Todd: Is that why you didn't tell me what was going on?
Tea: I called you.
Todd: But, you should have called again when I didn't show up the next day. You knew, if I had gotten your messages, I would have been here.
Tea: Not if you didn't want to be with me anymore.
Todd: How long did you wait for me to come back, before you moved in with your grandmother?
Tea: One month. Actually, one month and one day.
Todd: Why not an even month?
Tea: It started out with one week, and then two. Finally, I decided to give you exactly one month, but when it came time to leave, I was packed and almost out the door, but I couldn't bring myself not to give you one more day.
Todd: You could have come to Llanview. You could have cleared everything up.
Tea: I didn't know that there had been a misunderstanding. I thought that you had made the decision that was right for you.
Todd: I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to sleep, because I know that when I wake up, you'll be gone again.
Tea: I'll wake you up when it's time for my psychiatrist appointment. I don't think I could get out of bed without waking you, anyway.
Todd: You don't get it. You'll be gone, because none of this is real. I'm probably the one who was in a plane crash. Or, somebody shot me again. Or, whatever reason I'm in a coma and had time to imagine all of this. I know that if I let go of this moment and let sleep happen, when I wake up none of this will be real. I'll find out it was all just my mind having another laugh at my expense.
Tea: You think that you're dreaming right now?
Todd: I must be.
Tea: When you dream about me, I'm in a wheelchair?
Todd: That part's different, but other parts are the same.
Tea: What parts?
Todd: You need me here. In the real world, you don't. You're better off without me, everywhere except in my dreams.
Tea: That's not true. I do need you, not because I was injured, but because...
Todd: Because, why? Why would someone like you ever need someone like me?
Tea: You think I need you for your strength, and you're right. But, it's not your physical strength that I need.
Todd: Pretty soon you'll get good at moving yourself around and you won't need me at all anymore.
Tea: That's just it. I will need you, because it isn't your physical strength that I need the most. It's your emotional strength.
Todd: If that's what you need, you're screwed.
Tea: I know that I'm in good hands with you. I know that I can trust you, if we could just keep ourselves from anymore misunderstandings, and if we could manage to open our hearts and share our feelings without either of us getting so scared that we sabotage our chances.
Todd: Do you really think that could happen?
Tea: I don't know. But, I do know that I'm willing to try. Are you?
Todd: I think I'm getting too tired to talk anymore.
Tea (smiling): Thank you, Todd.
Todd: For what?
Tea: For dropping everything and rushing here as soon as you heard what happened to me. For being so supportive and so incredibly sweet. For staying and fighting, despite my trying to push you away.
Todd: For entertaining your brother while he was here?
Tea: The two of you... I do think you both enjoy the verbal sparring, for some strange reason.
[Tea is quiet for several moments. When she speaks again, her voice is serious.]
Tea: Thank you for this moment.
Todd: You like this moment?
Tea: Very much.
Todd: So, you're not going to pretend to toss me out again tonight?
Tea: I do seem to sleep better when you're here. Now, close your eyes and let's find out if you still sleep better when I'm next to you.
Todd: Trust, huh?
Tea: Trust.
[Todd takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. A few seconds later, he opens them again.]
Todd: Just checking.
[Todd closes his eyes again. Tea strokes his cheek softly with her finger and speaks to him in Spanish, assuring him that she'll still be next to him when he awakens.]
to be continued...
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2001 COPYRIGHT BY TIMA
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