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| IN SICKNESS BY TIMA |
CHAPTERS 81 - 85 |
PREVIOUSLY
Todd: I'll think about it. You're sure she really wants to see me?
Tea: Positive. I also want to see you. I hope you know that.
Todd: Yeah. I'll seriously think about it, Tea. I just don't want to say I will and then disappoint you if I don't show up. Don't tell Starr anything about it, okay?
Tea: I'll let it be a surprise.
****
chapter 81
[Days later...
Tea is sleeping on the sofa in the sitting area of the master bedroom. It's early in the morning, at least an hour before the sunrise.
Tea awakens suddenly with the sense that someone else is in the room with her.]
Tea (taking a chance): Todd?
Todd: Yeah?
Tea: You jerk! You scared the hell out of me.
Todd: I thought you wanted me to come but if not I can leave.
Tea: Don't you dare. Turn the light on.
Todd: Why?
Tea: Because I need to see you.
Todd: I look the same.
Tea: Todd...
Todd: Fine.
[Todd turns on a lamp that is on a table across from the sofa Tea is on.]
Tea: You haven't been eating.
Todd: I ate plenty.
Tea: You're skinnier.
Todd: I just look that way because I'm standing near you and your...
Tea (sitting up and opening her robe to show him her stomach): What am I?
[Todd moves closer and kneels down in front of Tea while staring at her stomach.]
Todd (moving his gaze to her eyes): I think you're kind of, you know...beautiful.
Tea: Yeah?
Todd: Yeah. You need to gain more weight, though.
Tea: I know. So do you.
Todd: I'm okay. Don't worry about me.
Tea: That's impossible.
Todd: So, um, I thought there'd be a lot of hugging and stuff.
[Tea gets down on the floor with Todd and embraces him tightly.]
Tea: I've missed you so much.
Todd: Yeah, I've kind of missed things around here, too...my recliner...my pool table...
Tea: Well, then it's too bad your pool table is still broken.
Todd: You haven't had it fixed yet?
Tea: No. I did buy new lawn furniture, though.
Todd: Why?
Tea (pulling away to look in his eyes but keeping her arms around him): You smashed it against a tree. Don't you remember?
Todd: Some of it. Those moments tend to be kind of fuzzy in my memory.
[Tea holds Todd's face in her hands and stares at him, still trying to comprehend that he's back with her.]
Tea: You know that other stuff besides the hugging?
Todd: What about it?
Tea: I'd like to do some of it right now. Would that be okay?
Todd: Depends on what it is.
Tea (running her finger across his lips): I really want to kiss you right now.
Todd: Do you?
Tea (smiling): Yes. Can you handle that?
Todd: I think I can suffer through it.
[Tea slowly brings her mouth to his. Their kiss is sweet and tender.]
Todd: You should sleep on the bed, Tea, not on a couch.
Tea: I will if you'll join me.
[Todd stands up, followed quickly by Tea.]
Tea: I didn't mean... We don't have to do anything that you're not comfortable with. You laid down with me all the time when I was sick.
Todd: That was different.
Tea: Not really. I still need you.
Todd: You've done fine without me.
Tea: I got through the time without you because I had to. I wasn't fine with it.
Todd: I'm not sleeping up here. I can't. I'll use the bedroom downstairs.
Tea: That's fine but you could still get into bed with me like we used to...no sleeping or sex involved.
Todd: You could handle that?
Tea: I won't jump you, Todd. Don't worry. (moving closer to him and placing her hand on his chest) And, there are things we could do to ensure that you don't fall asleep.
Todd: I thought you said no...you know...none of that?
Tea: No sex until you're ready but we could kiss, or hold each other, or talk.
Todd: When does Starr get here?
Tea: Sunday.
Todd: Sunday? I thought she was spending the weekend.
Tea: She's spending all day Sunday through when one of us takes her to school on Monday. If you want to leave and come back Sunday, you could.
Todd: No. I just thought she'd be here tomorrow or maybe even tonight.
Tea: She's out of town.
Todd: Where?
Tea: Starr had a couple of days off school so Viki took her on a little trip.
Todd: So, Viki's spending time with her?
Tea: We all are.
Todd: Making up for her absent father?
Tea: We do it because we love her and enjoy her company.
Todd: And because her dad split on her.
Tea: You're back now.
Todd: Yeah. (pause) So, you want to go watch some TV?
Tea: I want to get into bed with my husband.
Todd: You still on that?
Tea (moving forward and resting her head on his shoulder): I've missed you, Todd.
[Tea senses Todd's physical discomfort and pulls away from him.]
Tea: Actually, I'm hungry. Let's go downstairs and have breakfast.
Todd: It's not even light out yet.
Tea: I need to gain weight, remember?
Todd: Are you sure?
Tea: Positive.
Todd: Well, you don't have to go down there. I could bring stuff up to you.
Tea: I am quite capable of walking down the stairs myself.
Todd (quickly walking passed her): Fine. I just thought I'd offer.
Tea: Wait! Okay.
Todd: Forget it, Tea.
Tea (approaching him and lightly touching his arm): Todd, it's a nice thought. I'd like to do it.
Todd: I saw some of that pastry stuff when I came in. Is that okay?
Tea: That would be great. Bring something to drink, too.
Todd: Okay.
[Todd quickly leaves. Tea turns off the light in the sitting area and moves to the bed, turning on a small lamp on one of the nightstands. She takes off her robe and climbs into bed, under the covers. Several minutes later, Todd returns and finds her lying there with her eyes closed. Thinking she's asleep, he places the food on the nightstand and stands near the bed, staring at her in the soft light.]
Tea (opening her eyes): How long are you going to stand there? Where's my food?
Todd: You're demanding when you've got a kid in you. Well, actually, you were always...
Tea (smiling): What?
Todd: Nothing.
[Todd tentatively sits down on the bed next to Tea. After pausing for a moment, he reclines his body with his back against the headboard.]
Todd (opening his legs): Well?
Tea: We don't have to.
Todd: We've done it before.
Tea: If it would make you uncomfortable...
Todd: It was my idea.
Tea: Okay.
[Tea crawls out from under the covers and positions herself in front of Todd, between his legs, and leans back toward him. Todd reaches for the food on the nightstand.]
Tea (grabbing his arm): Wait!
Todd: What?
Tea: Hold me for a little while first.
[Tea takes both of his arms and brings them in front of her so his hands land on her stomach. Todd holds her snugly and nuzzles his face against her cheek, enjoying her scent, the feeling of her body against his, the feeling of his hands on her stomach.]
Todd (whispering in her ear several minutes later): Tea, I love you.
[Tea turns slightly in his arms until she's facing him enough to comfortably kiss him. They kiss for several minutes until Todd reaches toward the food and removing his lips quickly places a piece of pastry in Tea's mouth.]
Tea (chewing): Um...that isn't what I really wanted in my mouth at that moment.
Todd: You're supposed to be eating right now not doing...other things.
Tea: I really enjoy those other things.
Todd: Later. Right now, finish eating.
[Tea turns back around and leans her back against his chest again. Todd brings the food in front of them and they both pick at it until it's gone. After putting the plate back on the nightstand, Todd puts his arms back around Tea and holds her again. They sit together silently for several minutes.]
Tea: Todd?
Todd: Yeah?
Tea: Have you slept yet tonight?
Todd: No.
Tea: Maybe you should.
Todd: I'm not tired.
Tea: I could help you fall asleep.
Todd: I don't want you anywhere near me when I'm sleeping. Maybe I should put a lock on the bedroom door downstairs.
Tea: You don't have to. I won't go in there when you're sleeping.
Todd: Maybe I should do the lock so it locks me in so you won't have to worry about me.
Tea: I'm not worried.
Todd: Maybe you should be.
Tea: I'm not.
[Several more minutes of silence pass.]
Todd: The sun should be coming up soon. Do you want to watch it?
Tea: I thought you hated that?
Todd: Yeah, but you liked it.
Tea: We don't have to. I think maybe I'll go and take a shower.
Todd: This early?
Tea: Why not? I'm awake for the day, at least until my nap. Besides, my husband has returned home and I'd like to be clean and fresh for him.
Todd: I don't think you need a shower. You already smell incredible.
Tea (turning slightly to face him): Really?
Todd: Don't make me say it again.
Tea: You could sleep in here.
Todd: I told you...
Tea (interrupting): I know, we can't sleep in the same bed but I'll be in the shower and then I'll go downstairs. You can have the bed all to yourself. It might help you sleep to be in a familiar bed.
Todd: Maybe.
****
chapter 82
[Tea is in the shower. Todd is lying in their bed trying to sleep but finding it impossible. He gets up and walks into the bathroom.]
Todd: Tea? (She doesn't respond so Todd raises his voice) Tea?
Tea: Yes?
Todd (standing next to the shower): Is it okay if I open the shower door so we don't have to yell?
Tea: Sure.
[Todd opens the door as Tea is rinsing her hair. When Tea opens her eyes she finds Todd standing where the shower door was, leaning slightly against the frame. Todd stares at her, admiring her beauty. Tea waits for a moment for Todd to speak but he doesn't say anything, he just keeps moving his eyes from her face down her body and then back up again.]
Tea: I thought you were going to sleep?
Todd: I tried. It didn't work out.
Tea (smiling): It's only been a few minutes.
Todd: That was long enough for me to know it wasn't going to happen.
Tea: You need to sleep.
Todd: I can't help it if my brain won't shut up.
Tea: Do you want to talk about whatever it is that your brain won't shut up about?
Todd: Just the usual stuff. (pause) Shouldn't you, you know, have a little extra in your stomach area by now? Have you talked to the doctor about how underweight you were when you got pregnant?
Tea: We've discussed it. I've even met with a nutrition specialist to make sure I gain enough weight but also eat healthy foods. I don't weigh as much as I should yet but I'm working on it. Everything will be fine.
Todd: Good.
Tea: Don't worry. It's still early. I'll keep gaining and very soon you'll be able to start in with all the fat jokes you've been storing up.
Todd: I don't have that many, just a few. Um, Tea?
Tea: Yes?
Todd (looking at her chest): You look kind of different up there.
Tea (looking down at herself): Oh, yeah. That's normal. Not only do my breasts get bigger for breast feeding but...(touching herself to demonstrate)...this part gets bigger and darker.
Todd (turning his head): I don't need that kind of detail.
Tea (returning to her showering): Sorry. You brought it up. I thought you were interested.
Todd: I am, well, sort of. I just... Never mind.
Tea: You better get used to it, Todd.
Todd: What?
Tea: Seeing my body in ways that make you uncomfortable. If you need to you can probably avoid some of it when we go to my appointments with the doctor, assuming that you will be going with me, but you won't be able to avoid it when I'm in labor. Believe me, when the baby comes out you'll be facing some very graphic details.
Todd: I know that. I'm prepared for that...I think. Just give me some time to adjust here, okay? It's been a couple of months since I've even seen a woman without her clothes on.
Tea: I'm glad to hear that.
Todd: You didn't think...
Tea (interrupting): No, of course not. I was just kidding.
Todd: This isn't entirely new to me anyway. I've been through some of this pregnancy stuff before.
Tea (her expression turning sad as she looks away): Right.
Todd: You knew that.
Tea: I did.
Todd: So, what's the look for?
Tea: What look?
Todd: That look that says I just hurt your feelings.
Tea: You didn't hurt my feelings.
Todd (not believing her): Sure.
[Todd starts to step away from the shower.]
Tea: Wait.
[Todd returns.]
Tea: You didn't hurt my feelings...not really. It's just that this is my first time and I kind of like thinking that it's your first time, too. I know it's not but I like thinking of it as the two of us sharing something new together.
Todd: This is new, Tea. I've never been pregnant with you before. And, the stuff that comes later... I did miss out on a lot of that so it will be completely new to me. I've never actually seen a kid, you know, popping out before.
Tea: Will you be there?
Todd: I want to be. I mean, I don't entirely want to be there. I mean, I do but it's gonna be really gross, I just know it, so I'm trying not to think too much about that part. I do want to be there, though, for you and for the kid.
Tea: You could cut the cord.
Todd (hesitant): I don't know.
Tea: Well, you have some time to decide.
Todd: Are you almost done with your shower?
Tea: Sure. There's still plenty of hot water if you want to take one.
Todd: That's not what I want.
Tea: Then what do you want?
[Without saying anything, Todd steps into the shower, fully clothed, and takes Tea into his arms and holds her tightly. Tea is shocked but immediately hugs him back. They stand there for a long time with the water falling down on them, just holding each other.
When Tea notices the water losing its warmth she tries to pull away from Todd but he's hesitant to let go. She turns their bodies so she can reach the shower controls and turns off the water. Todd continues to hold her.]
Tea: Todd?
[Todd doesn't respond. Tea definitely doesn't want to end their embrace but she's getting cold and Todd's clothes are soaked so she knows it has to end.]
Tea: Todd? Todd, it's getting cold in here.
Todd: Turn the hot water back on.
Tea: We ran out of that.
Todd (pulling away from her body): Oh.
Tea: We don't have to stop hugging. We could get under the covers and hug as long as you'd like to. Right now, you need to get out of those wet clothes.]
Todd (looking down at his clothing): They'll dry.
Tea: Yes, they will, but it won't be on your body. I'll go and get you some dry clothes.
[Tea puts on her robe and exits the bathroom. Todd starts to remove his drenched clothing. By the time Tea returns, Todd has his shirt off and his pants undone.]
Tea (placing the clean clothing on a counter): I'll give you some privacy.
Todd (as Tea is almost to the bathroom door): You don't have to go.
Tea (turning around to face him): Do you want me to stay?
Todd: It's your bathroom, too.
Tea: I don't want you to be uncomfortable.
Todd: We're not doing anything. If you can handle that then you can stay.
Tea: Todd, I want to make love to you, I really do, but we'll wait until it feels right for both of us.
Todd: We have to wait until after the kid comes.
Tea: I understand. Until then can't we do some other things?
Todd: Like what?
Tea: Kissing?
Todd: We've already been doing that this morning.
Tea: I wouldn't mind doing some more.
[Todd starts to walk toward her, still wearing his wet clothing.]
Tea: You're getting the floor all wet.
Todd: So?
Tea: Todd...
Todd: Fine. Apparently you prefer a dry floor to kissing me. That's just fine, Tea.
[Tea moves toward him and pushes him back into the shower as her lips meet his. After several minutes of kissing and embracing Todd pulls away from her.]
Todd: Okay, we kissed. What else did you want to do?
Tea: Are you sure you want me to answer that?
Todd: I asked, didn't I?
Tea: How do you feel about heavy petting?
Todd: I always thought that was a stupid way of referring to that.
Tea: Fine. Are you interested in feeling me up?
Todd: What's gotten into you? You're not going to ask me to go outside and get into the backseat of the car with you, are you?
Tea: Well, we've never done that. We skipped that part of the dating relationship. Actually, we skipped dating all together.
Todd: No, we didn't. I took you to restaurants. I gave you flowers. I bought you stuff.
Tea: Yeah, but we were married by then.
Todd: So? It counts.
Tea (placing her hand on his chest): Todd?
Todd: What?
Tea: Are you going to grope me, or what?
Todd: You really want me to?
Tea: Well, I wouldn't mind if you touched me in certain places.
Todd: Which places?
Tea: Whichever ones you're comfortable with. I do think you'd be more comfortable if you took off your wet pants first, though.
Todd: I don't know about that.
Tea: I meant if you put on some dry clothing. You can't be very comfortable all wet like that.
Todd: It's not the first time I've gotten my clothes wet for you.
Tea: No, it isn't. I remember that time on the docks very fondly.
Todd: Really?
Tea: I remember how appealing you looked when you were standing in front of me...dripping.
Todd: You probably tossed that necklace into the river just to see if I'd be stupid enough to jump in after it for you.
Tea: I did not. (pause) Would you like to know what else I remember about that evening?
Todd: Sure.
Tea: I remember wanting to do this.
[Tea steps closer to Todd and runs her fingers through his wet hair, wringing the water out and using her fingers to style his hair.
After Tea finishes with his hair, Todd opens Tea's robe and looks down at her body, noticing that she put on underwear while she was getting the dry clothes for him.]
Todd: You came prepared.
Tea: I was hoping we weren't done touching yet and I thought you might be more comfortable if I was wearing a little something. You can remove it if you'd like.
Todd (letting go of her robe): Tea...
Tea: I know, Todd, you're not comfortable making love while I'm pregnant but does that mean that we can't share and enjoy our bodies in other ways?
Todd: You've enjoyed what we've done so far, right?
Tea: Very much.
Todd: If that were all that we could do?
Tea: It would be okay with me. It really would. It would help, though, if you let me know exactly where the boundaries are.
Todd: I don't know myself completely. (pause) Tea, if I tell you something could you not do the jealous thing?
Tea: I'll try.
Todd: In the past...um...you know...the other pregnancies...
Tea: With Blair.
Todd: Right. It wasn't like this.
Tea: You were okay making love during those pregnancies?
Todd: I didn't want to hurt the kids, you know, physically. (placing his hand on Tea's bare stomach) I don't want to hurt this kid by crushing it either but it's so different this time.
Tea: Do you know why?
Todd: There's all this stuff going on inside me and it freaks me out. I know that the kid wouldn't know what we were doing if we did...you know...that. I can't help it, though, I think about it and I get this vision in my head...this memory of the stuff my father did in front of me. I just know that I don't want to do that kind of stuff in front of my kid. When the baby's out, even when it's really little, too little to understand anything, I don't want to do stuff in front of him, okay? The kids have to be in a different room. The door has to be locked. I don't want them to even hear us.
Tea: Can they be in the same house?
Todd: Don't make fun of me about this, Tea.
Tea: I'm not. I'm serious. You didn't even want to share a bed with me when Starr first started spending the night here. We hadn't even made love for the first time yet at that point. Will you be okay making love while they're in the house? Will we have to have someone else taking care of them somewhere else if we're ever going to experience that part of our relationship again?
Todd: I think I can handle it as long as they can't see or hear us. I could hear him, you know, sometimes I could hear him. I hated hearing him. I hated having to watch him. I hated him watching me. I just hated it.
Tea: I know. What about touching?
Todd: You want me to grope you in front of our kids?
Tea: Of course not...certainly not the way I want you to touch me right now, when we're alone and not completely dressed.
Todd: About that...I should get these pants off. They feel really weird.
[Tea walks over to the pile of dry clothing and picks up Todd's boxers and returns to Todd. As Tea keeps her gaze on Todd's eyes he lowers his soaked pants and underwear and steps out of them.]
Todd (as they continue to stare at each other): You understand what we can't do?
Tea: I understand.
Todd: You won't try anything?
Tea: I'll let you determine how far we go.
Todd: Okay. (pause) Go ahead.
Tea: What are you saying?
Todd: Well, I got to see you while you were showering...
Tea: So...
Todd: Go ahead.
[Tea steps back slightly and after looking in his eyes for another moment lowers her gaze. After openly admiring his body for several moments Tea remembers the boxers in her hand.]
Tea: Do you want to put these on?
Todd: Go ahead.
Tea: Are you sure?
Todd: Don't give me time to think here, Tea.
[Tea lowers herself to the shower floor and lifts Todd's feet individually to place the boxers on his legs and then rises as she pulls the boxers up his body.]
****
chapter 83
[Tea stands in front of Todd. Her hands are placed lightly on his waist as her fingers move slightly across the material at the top of his boxer shorts.]
Tea: I could help you put on the rest of your clothes, if you'd like.
Todd: Um...you don't have to.
Tea: What if I'd like to?
Todd: Why would you enjoy that, Tea?
Tea: Because I enjoy you. I enjoy being next to you.
[Tea slowly moves one of her hands up his stomach and begins to gently caress his chest.]
Tea: I enjoy touching you. I've missed touching you, Todd.
Todd: Have you?
Tea: Very much. I remember when I was sick and you would help me to bathe. Your touch was so gentle...so careful.
Todd: What does that have to do with this?
Tea: While you were gone, I missed touching and being touched. Did you miss it?
Todd: I don't know.
[Tea steps closer to Todd and places her lips against his chest and kisses his flesh.
His wife being only partially dressed in front of him, touching him, kissing his body, excites Todd which makes him uncomfortable.]
Todd: Um...Tea?
Tea (keeping her lips attached to his skin): Yes?
Todd (having difficulty focusing): Um...maybe...maybe we should...uh...maybe we should finish getting dressed.
Tea (looking into his eyes seductively): Are you sure that's what you want?
[Todd gets scared by the obvious lust he sees in Tea's eyes and pulls away from her and walks toward the pile of dry clothing Tea had brought into the bathroom for him.
Tea is devastated. She knows that she pushed him too far. She didn't intend to. She just wanted to be with him to the extent he was able to. She accepts that they won't be having sex for many months because of the painful memories Todd has from his childhood. She just wants to be near him, to touch him, to enjoy his physical presence.]
Tea (turning toward him): I'm sorry.
Todd (not looking at her as he quickly dresses): For what?
Tea: For pushing too hard.
Todd: You didn't.
Tea: If that's true then why are you dressing so fast?
Todd: I'm cold.
Tea: Don't lie to me.
Todd: It's cold in here. Aren't you cold?
Tea: I was feeling pretty hot a few seconds ago but not anymore. (pause) Are you leaving? Did I scare you away completely?
[Todd finally turns and faces Tea, noticing the pain in her eyes.]
Todd: No.
Tea: If you stay, I won't do it again. I'll keep my hands to myself. (with tears in her eyes) I don't want you to leave because of this...because of me.
[Todd approaches Tea and reaches his arms out to comfort her. She pulls away.]
Tea: Don't. You don't have to. I know you don't want to.
Todd (his voice filled with emotion): That's not true.
Tea: I wasn't trying to pressure you into having sex, I swear. I really do understand why we can't do that right now. I just wanted to touch each other again. We did that in the past so many times without having sex. Why can't we do that now?
Todd: I don't know.
Tea: You've been gone for two months, Todd, didn't you miss touching me at all?
Todd: Sure.
Tea: I don't believe you.
[Tea quickly leaves the bathroom. Todd follows her into the bedroom where he watches her take off her robe and toss it on a chair. As she enters the walk-in closet he follows her and continues to watch her. She ignores his presence.]
Todd: Tea...
Tea: Forget it, Todd. It's fine. I guess I got my answer as to where the boundaries are for us now.
Todd: No, you didn't.
[Tea puts on a shirt and begins buttoning it. Suddenly, she turns toward Todd with a serious look on her face.]
Tea: Is this really because I'm pregnant?
Todd: You know that it is.
Tea: Are you sure it isn't just that you're not...interested...in me...in that way?
Todd: Are you nuts?
Tea: No...but...I am...
Todd: What?
[Tea is scared to tell Todd the truth because she knows that he probably wouldn't appreciate her honesty on this subject.]
Tea: I'm...I'm...
Todd (frustrated): Hurry up and tell me. Come on, Tea. What the hell are you? Just tell me already.
Tea: Horny, alright? I'm horny.
Todd (turning and walking out of the closet): You are nuts.
Tea (following him): I'm pregnant.
Todd: And that makes you...
Tea: Horny. Yes, it does. Look, Todd, maybe it isn't because I'm pregnant. Maybe it's because you've been gone for two months. Maybe it's because before you left we were starting to become more comfortable with each other sexually. We were starting to actually have sex on a regular basis. I enjoyed it, Todd. I enjoyed being with you. I can't help it. Suddenly you were gone. Suddenly there was no more sex, no more kissing, no more touching. I couldn't even sleep in our bed anymore because it was too empty without you. Add to that my hormones doing whatever the hell they feel like doing on any given day. I laugh for no reason. I cry for no reason. It's hard for me to sleep at night and when I do sleep I have these bizarre dreams that Viki and Carlotta tell me are normal when you're pregnant. And then...and then there are these other dreams that I haven't told them about.
Todd: What kind of dreams?
Tea: About you.
Todd: Me?
Tea: Us, actually.
Todd: What are we doing in these other dreams?
Tea: You don't want to know.
Todd: If that were true I wouldn't have asked.
[Tea doesn't speak. She can't even make eye contact with Todd because she's too embarrassed.]
Todd: Fine. I'll guess.
Tea (wanting to stop him): Todd...
Todd (interrupting her): You said you were...(lowering his voice)...horny, right? And, you're having dreams about us that you don't want other people to know about. So, my guess is that there's a connection between those two things, right?
Tea: Todd...
Todd: Go ahead and say it.
Tea: Todd, we don't have to do this. It's fine. Let's just forget the last few minutes ever happened.
Todd: How often? (Tea doesn't respond) Well?
Tea: Just sometimes.
Todd: Once a week? Every night?
Tea: Let's just drop this, okay?
Todd: I want to know. What are we doing in these dreams? What kind of dreams have you been having about us, Tea?
Tea (speaking softly): Erotic ones.
Todd: How erotic?
Tea: Very.
Todd: What if I told you that...(closing his eyes and forcing himself to speak)...I've been having them, too?
Tea (looking directly at him until he opens his eyes and meets her gaze): Have you?
Todd: Yeah.
[Tea picks up a pillow from the bed and toss it at him.]
Tea: Then why did you just put me through that, you jerk?
[Todd catches the pillow and tosses it back on the bed.]
Todd: I wanted to see if you'd tell me.
[Todd slowly walks over to a chair and sits down.]
Todd: With the stuff you know about me I always expect you to feel differently about me. Even when you're coming on to me, like in the bathroom, I keep thinking you're just being nice or something. My brain can't understand how you could possibly feel that way about me knowing what you know.
[Tea sits down on the edge of the bed near the chair Todd's sitting in.]
Tea: I've told you before that knowing about your past doesn't change how I see you. I'm attracted to you, Todd. That's just how it is. When I think about you...when I remember what it's like to feel your body against mine, your arms around me, you inside of me...it turns me on. All of those thoughts...all of those memories really turn me on, Todd. Can you handle that?
Todd: No.
Tea: Well, you'll have to because it won't change.
Todd: Tea, I meant what I said. I have dreams about you, too. When I'm awake...I think about you. My body always reacts. It was reacting in the bathroom.
Tea: You don't have to hide it, Todd. You don't have to rush to put more clothes on to hide it.
Todd: I feel like I do.
Tea: You don't have to worry that I'll take your body reacting as a sign that we'll be having sex because I won't. I understand that we won't be doing that again for quite a while. I'm okay with that. I won't assume that we'll be having sex again until you tell me that it's what you want.
Todd: It's what I want right now. That's the problem.
Tea: That isn't a problem. It doesn't feel right to you right now so we won't have sex but we can do other things together. There are ways we can enjoy ourselves together without actually having sex.
Todd: Did you want to do some more of those things?
Tea: Todd, you must be exhausted by now. You haven't slept yet.
Todd: So?
Tea: So...we'll wait. Hey, if I could survive the last two months without having a... (pause) Well, I guess I can wait a little longer until you've gotten some sleep.
Todd: You haven't...you know...you didn't...um...scratch that itch yourself?
Tea (smiling): I prefer it when you scratch my itch.
Todd: Really?
Tea: Really.
Todd: So, I'm good for something then.
Tea (with sincerity): You're a very good scratcher, Todd.
Todd: Well...then...maybe...
Tea: Why don't you rest now? We can discuss this more later.
Todd: I think we should do it now.
Tea: Are you sure?
Todd: Well, I'm not going to be able to sleep if I'm thinking about you...um...itching. I'll sleep after. I mean, if you're really...uh...horny...like you say, then it shouldn't take too long, right?
Tea: Probably not. What about you?
Todd: I don't mind helping you out.
Tea: I meant...(gazing at the bulge in his pants)...what about you? It might be easier for you to sleep if...um...we took care of that first.
Todd (avoiding eye contact): Maybe this was a bad idea.
Tea (disappointed but not surprised): Right. Well, I'll go downstairs and you can get some sleep.
[Tea stands up and walks toward the bedroom door.]
Todd: Tea, wait.
[Tea turns around and faces him.]
Todd: You understand that there are boundaries?
Tea: Yes. I'm still not completely clear on where they are, though.
Todd: But, you accept that they're there?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: We can stop anytime and you'd be okay with that?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: Are you sure? Because I don't want you getting all upset if it isn't exactly what you want it to be.
Tea: If I'm with you it will be perfect. I just want to be close to you. We could just hug for a while and that would be enough for me.
Todd: That wouldn't take care of your problem, though.
Tea: I don't care. I just want to be near you, Todd.
Todd (standing up): Okay. Let's do it.
****
chapter 84
[Tea and Todd stand on opposite sides of the bed, staring at each other.]
Tea: How are we going to do this?
Todd: Don't know.
Tea: What exactly are we doing?
Todd: Don't know that either. Maybe we could just sort of start and kind of let whatever happens happen.
Tea: What about the boundaries?
Todd: What about them?
Tea: No sex, right?
Todd: Right.
Tea: What else is off limits?
Todd: The usual things from before.
Tea: Okay. Anything else?
Todd: I don't know.
Tea: It would help if I knew going in so I don't do the wrong thing.
Todd: You never do the wrong thing.
Tea: That's not true.
Todd: It's not your fault I'm so messed up.
Tea: It's not your fault either, Todd, that your childhood was so difficult and that it's still so painful for you today.
Todd: Let's not get into the shrink stuff, okay? It won't help me get into the mood.
Tea: What would help?
Todd: I can think of a few things.
Tea: Would you like to show me?
Todd: Actually, part of what I had in mind involved you showing me.
Tea: I can do that.
[Tea slowly unbuttons the shirt she's wearing. Todd walks around the bed toward Tea. He lightly places his hands on her neck and moves them along her skin until they are under her shirt. He leans in and gently kisses her lips.
Ending the kiss, Todd steps back slightly and looks down at his wife's unbuttoned shirt. Very slowly, he moves the fabric of her shirt to the sides so he can look at her chest. Even though he had just watched her shower naked a few minutes earlier, it still excites him to watch her breasts come into view.
His hands move her shirt off her shoulders and down her arms as his fingers lightly graze her skin. Tea closes her eyes and moans softly at the exquisite torture of his gentle touch which makes Todd smile slightly.]
Todd: You really are horny, aren't you?
Tea: Could you stop saying that word?
Todd: You said it first.
Tea: Well, I wasn't expecting you to repeat it so many times.
[After allowing Tea's shirt to fall to the floor, Todd returns his hands to Tea's neck before moving them into her hair.]
Todd: Your hair is longer.
Tea: After being bald, I may never cut it again.
Todd: I kind of liked you bald.
Tea: Really?
Todd: Yeah. You didn't spend all that time doing stuff to your hair when you were bald. You had more time to devote to me.
Tea: I will always have time for you and you better plan to always have time for me.
Todd: You know, the kid's gonna change all of that.
Tea: I know but we can still make sure that we have time alone with each other, can't we?
Todd: Yeah...I guess...we can try. The next time you go to the doctor I'm going with you. I want to hear the kid's heartbeat.
Tea: I would love that. You know, I don't think my doctor really believes I'm married.
Todd: What'd you say about why I haven't been there?
Tea: Just that you were out of town on important family business.
Todd: Yeah, well, next time I'll be there in the flesh so you won't have to make excuses for me.
Tea: Speaking of flesh...
Todd: Yeah?
Tea: You get to look at some of mine. Do I get to look at some of yours?
Todd: Sure.
[Todd draws her attention down to his bare feet and wiggles his toes for her.]
Todd: There you go. Now, what do I get to see?
Tea: Are you uncomfortable? We don't have to...
Todd (interrupting): I was just kidding, Delgado. Can't you be horny and have a sense of humor at the same time?
[Tea looks down with a sad look on her face.]
Todd: What did I do now?
Tea: Nothing.
Todd: I was just teasing you, Tea.
[Todd places his hand under her chin and gently raise her face until he is looking into her eyes.]
Todd: What is it?
Tea: I don't know what to do. I don't know what's okay.
Todd: Sure you do. You always know.
Tea: Sometimes I guess wrong.
Todd: Well, I'll make it easier for you.
[Todd takes hold of Tea's hands and brings them up to the top button on his shirt. Tea slowly unbuttons his shirt.
When Tea has the garment completely unfastened she looks up at Todd for guidance on what to do next. Tea's hands move to Todd's waist as he removes the shirt from his body. After the garment has been dispensed with, Tea looks into Todd's eyes as her hands caress his stomach and chest through his T-shirt.
After a few moments of enjoying feeling him through the fabric of his T-shirt, Tea brings her upper body against his and buries her face in his neck as she moans softly.]
Todd: Tea, if touching me through a T-shirt turns you on that much I don't think you'll be lasting much more than a couple of minutes. Do you want me to, you know, touch you...there...now?
Tea: You could. Or, we could go a little slower. Not too slow. I know you're tired.
Todd: Believe me, right now I'm wide awake.
Tea: Would it be okay if I took off your shirt?
Todd: It might be kind of hard to do that with you pressed against me like this.
[Tea steps back slightly from his body. As Todd grabs the bottom of his shirt, Tea stops him.]
Tea: I was hoping to do that.
Todd: What difference does it make?
Tea: I'm horny, okay? Give me this.
Todd: I thought you didn't want to hear that word anymore.
Tea: Well, if you're going to keep saying it...
[Tea places her hands at the bottom of Todd's T-shirt and slowly raises it, watching closely as Todd's stomach and chest are revealed to her. After the shirt is off his head and on the floor, Tea cautiously places her hand on Todd's chest and gently caresses him. She lowers her head and kisses his chest several times before placing her mouth over one of his nipples and flicking her tongue against it.]
Todd: Um, Tea, I thought this was about, you know, taking care of your needs, not mine.
Tea (kissing up his chest to his neck): Believe me, this is working for me.
Todd: Tea?
Tea: Yeah?
[Todd becomes distracted by the feeling of Tea's chest pressing against his as she starts kissing near his ear.]
Todd: Maybe we should get on the bed.
[Tea sits down on the side of the bed, followed quickly by Todd. Todd reclines his body back and turns on his side facing Tea as he encourages her to lay down on her back. Tea turns her head toward Todd as his hand caresses from her neck down to the top of her underwear and back up again.]
Todd: Tea?
Tea: Yeah?
[Todd pauses for a moment trying to think of how to word his question and wondering if he really wants to ask it.]
Tea: You can ask me anything.
Todd: How did you know I wanted to ask you something?
Tea: I know you.
Todd: I don't understand.
Tea: What?
Todd: Why it turns you on like that.
Tea: You touching me?
Todd: No...you touching me. You get that look in your eyes. You act like if you keep touching me you'll have a...
Tea: Right now, I probably would. I'm so close it wouldn't take much to put me over the edge.
Todd: Why?
Tea: Why am I on the verge of an orgasm?
Todd: Why do you react that way to touching me?
[Tea turns her body toward Todd. He places his hand on her back as her hand begins to caress the side of his body.]
Tea: How does it feel when you touch me?
Todd: Soft.
Tea: I meant, how does it make you feel? Does it turn you on?
Todd: We should stop talking about this.
Tea: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. I just meant that it can feel good sometimes to give someone else physical pleasure. Even when I just massage your forehead so you can fall asleep, it feels good. It doesn't give me an orgasm but it does feel good.
Todd: Could you stop using that word?
Tea: Todd, you don't have to be uncomfortable with that word. I think if we can give each other orgasms we can use the word while talking about it. Right now, I'm orgasmic for several reasons. I always feel this way when we do sexual things together. You already know I'm horny. We haven't had sex in months. And, seeing parts of your body naked that are usually layered with clothing makes something inside me flutter. Plus, being near you, the way you smell, the sound of your voice, the look in your eyes...it all affects me. Does that explain it?
Todd: No. I still don't know why I would have that kind of effect on you.
Tea: Because you're you, Todd. I think you're attractive. I find you appealing. You turn me on. Does that explain it?
Todd: No.
Tea: Just accept that it's how I see you, okay? It's how I feel when I'm with you. (gently touching his face) I see you differently than you see yourself.
Todd: You see something that's not there.
Tea: No. I see what is there...what you can't see in yourself. It's there, Todd. You're not the monster that some people see and you're not whatever it is that your father tried to make you think you are.
Todd (sitting up): Don't talk about that right now if you want to finish what we were doing here.
Tea (sitting up next to him): I don't care if I have an orgasm or not right now. I'd rather talk about this. Are you going to spend the rest of your life judging yourself based on what your father saw when he looked at you or are you going to look at who you really are?
Todd: Don't you mean, who you've deluded yourself into thinking I am?
Tea: I mean, who you are. Look at yourself, Todd. Not through your father's eyes or the eyes of anyone else, including me. Look at yourself through your own eyes. Who are you?
Todd: I don't know.
Tea: I think you do. Maybe you don't have it all figured out but, you know, a lot of people don't and that's okay. But you do know parts of yourself, don't you? Like, the part that's Starr's father. That part you're comfortable with, aren't you?
Todd: Yeah...sort of...most of the time.
Tea: Well, that's a part of you...a part that isn't horrible...a part that's worth loving.
Todd: I wouldn't go that far.
Tea: I would and so would Starr and so will this baby inside me.
Todd: You know, all I wanted when we started this was to help you out, to make your body do that thing where it starts shaking and your eyes get that weird look and then you smile at me. And, then I just wanted to take a nap. Why do you always have to mess my plans up by talking and analyzing everything so much?
[Tea reaches her hand out and gently strokes Todd's back.]
Tea: I would have enjoyed you helping me achieve an orgasm, I really would have, but right now I care more about how you're feeling. I want you to be okay. It's completely selfish, though, I promise. I want you to stay with me. I don't want you to feel like you have to leave again.
Todd: Do you still want me to help you?
Tea: Only if it's what you want.
Todd: It is.
****
chapter 85
Todd: Lay down.
[Tea reclines her body back on the bed. Todd leans back on the bed, facing Tea and kisses her for several minutes. Standing up, he takes hold of her body and gently positions it at the edge of the bed. He then caresses her legs for a moment before slowly removing her underwear.
Todd grabs a pillow and places it under her head. He returns to the side of her body and kisses her again while caressing her chest. He ends the kiss and moves his mouth down to her breast and gently sucks on her nipple for a moment before moving his mouth to her other breast, while his hand caresses her inner thigh, teasing her with his touch.
As Todd slides down her body and begins to kiss her leg, Tea senses what he plans to do and becomes concerned about whether he is really ready to do this with her.]
Tea: You don't have to do this.
Todd: I want to.
Tea: Are you sure?
Todd: Yeah.
Tea (distracted by his breath on her inner thigh): Todd...
Todd: I've been thinking about you...about your body.
Tea: Have you?
[Todd continues to place kisses on the inside of both of her thighs as his hands massage her legs and gently coax them further apart.]
Todd: I told you...I've had dreams. I could show you one of my dreams.
Tea: If you want to. If you're sure you're ready for this.
Todd: I've been waiting a long time to play with you like this.
Tea: Todd...
Todd (interrupting her): Tea?
Tea: Yes?
Todd: You have to stop talking.
Tea: I just wanted you to know...
Todd (interrupting): I mean it, Tea.
[Tea stops talking and waits with extreme anticipation for Todd to continue what he's doing but remains nervous that he may be doing something he's not ready for.
Todd continues to kiss Tea's flesh as he tries to deal with unpleasant memories that he wishes he could eliminate from his mind. He wants to do this, to be with his wife and give her pleasure in this way. He's wanted it in the past but wasn't able to follow through with it because of the same memories that threaten him now.
Finally, after several minutes of silently kissing her legs, Todd extends his tongue. Tea jumps slightly as she feels his tongue make contact with her thigh.
The only reason Tea hasn't already had an orgasm just from the thought of what Todd is planning to do is because of her concern for him. She can tell that Todd is having a difficult time but she allows him to deal with it in whatever way he chooses. It is sweet torture for her, though, waiting.
As Todd continues to kiss and lick her leg, he slowly...very slowly...moves his efforts upward. His eyes have been closed but as he reaches his destination he opens his eyes.
He raises his head and looks into Tea's eyes which are staring directly at his, her head raised slightly as she watches him. He maintains eye contact for what seems like several minutes before his hands move all the way up her legs and spread her legs further apart, giving him easier access to the most private part of her body.
He breaks eye contact as he looks down and focuses on his target. Tea watches intently as his tongue extends and his head slowly moves toward her body.
Todd returns his gaze to his wife's eyes as his tongue touches her intimate flesh and he tastes her for the first time.
Tea doesn't last for too many seconds from the onslaught of physical and emotional sensations. She lets out a loud sound, somewhere between a scream and calling out his name.
As Tea's body uncontrollably convulses through her orgasm, Todd's body also begins to shake uncontrollably. He grabs onto the comforter on the bed, trying not to allow the pain inside him to force him away from her.
When Tea's body calms down, Todd rests his head against her leg, still gripping the comforter tightly. Tea knows that Todd's not okay. He just gave her incredible pleasure but she knows that it cost him a great deal of pain in the process.
Tea (reaching out to caress his hair): Todd...
[Todd immediately jumps up and rushes out of the room. Tea quickly gets off the bed and follows after him.]
Tea: Todd, wait.
[Todd continues to rush down the hall and is halfway down the stairs when Tea speaks again.]
Tea: Todd, don't leave.
[The emotional sound of Tea's voice makes it evident that Tea is about to start crying.]
Tea: Please, Todd, don't leave me.
[Tea stands at the top of the stairs and watches as Todd rushes into the kitchen, out of sight. He's almost to the outside door when he hears her speak again.]
Tea (yelling so he'll hear her): I'm sorry.
[Todd stops, his hand on the doorknob. He wants so much to get out of there, to get in his car and escape. The only thing he wants more in this moment is to stop the hurt that he knows he's causing Tea by leaving.
They both stay where they are. Todd wanting to leave but compelled to stay...Tea needing him to stay but knowing that he wants to leave.
Several excruciating minutes later, Todd steps out of the kitchen. He stands at the bottom of the stairs for a long time, unable to look up at his wife but knowing from the sound of her crying that she's still standing at the top of the staircase.
When Todd finally looks up he sees his wife naked and looking completely vulnerable above him. Todd quickly diverts his eyes and stares at the individual stairs beneath him as he slowly climbs toward her. When he's almost to the top he looks up again. The pain in Tea's eyes force his own pain forward inside himself.
Todd climbs the final steps and quickly embraces his wife, holding her tightly as he tries unsuccessfully to stop the tears in his own eyes from falling.]
Tea (sobbing): I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry...
Todd: Don't...don't...don't...
[They continue to hold each other, completely oblivious to how much time is passing. As Tea's sobs subside and Todd's tears end, Todd feels Tea shiver in his arms. He tries to extricate himself from Tea's grip on his body but she won't allow it.]
Todd: Tea, you're cold. I have pants on but you don't have anything on.
Tea: Then, hold me tighter.
Todd: You shouldn't be standing out here without anything on. I don't want you to get sick. We can go back to the bedroom.
Tea: We?
Todd: Yeah.
[Hesitantly, Tea lets go of Todd's body and steps back slightly, avoiding eye contact. Todd feels awkward and uncertain about what to do or say so he simply turns and begins walking toward their bedroom.
They both enter the room silently. Todd picks up the shirt he was wearing earlier and helps her slip into it. As he begins to button it, Tea leans her head against his shoulder and grabs onto his body again, eliminating any distance between their bodies.]
Tea: I'm so sorry, Todd.
Todd: Why? Tea, I'm the one...
Tea: No. I am. I pushed you too hard.
Todd: I wanted to do that. I wanted to try.
Tea: I knew you weren't ready. I should have stopped you.
[Todd pulls away from her so he can look in her eyes.]
Todd: I didn't want you to stop me. I wanted it, Tea. I dreamt about it. In my dreams, though, I could do it without...without...
[Tea takes a seat on the bed. Todd sits down on the end of the bed and faces her.]
Todd: I knew it wouldn't be easy. I tried before, remember, months ago? I couldn't do it then. I couldn't make the memories leave me alone enough. I knew they'd be there this time, too. I just didn't want to let them stop me this time.
Tea: You did do it, Todd.
Todd: Yeah, but I took off. That wasn't how I wanted it to be. It wasn't you. It's just these damn memories. They wouldn't be so bad if that was all there was but I keep remembering all these feelings, too. I think that's what does me in the most. It's almost like I go back to those other times. I remember so much...way too much detail.
Tea: Do you want to tell me about it?
Todd: My father, you know, he would be there. He would tell me what to do and how to do it. Then, he'd watch me and criticize everything I did. He would make fun of me in every way. He would even get the women to make fun of me, too.
Tea: How many times? How many women?
Todd: I don't know. I really don't. The first time is the one I remember the most but there were others. He would tell me...teach me...how to treat women. I don't want to treat you like that.
Tea: You don't have to.
Todd: It's what I was taught, though. The first time I was with someone when he wasn't there forcing me to do it, I scared the hell out of the girl I was with because I was so screwed up. I didn't know the right way to treat a girl. I knew his way. I figured out pretty fast that his way only worked on his women, who were either on the clock or so out of it they'd do anything for booze or drugs. I don't blame him for who I became, though. He trained me but I knew what I was choosing later on. That's my fault...no one else's. With you, though, I don't want to use that training.
Tea: Were you tempted? Is that what scared you?
Todd: No. No. I swear, that wasn't it. I don't think like that about you. I know I haven't been perfect, I'll never be perfect, but I never want to treat you like that. I never want to hurt you. Peter would tell me that you had to show women that you were the boss. You had to be rough with them. You had to make them feel it. You know, you couldn't give them pleasure unless you gave them some pain at the same time. I never want to cause you pain...never.
Tea: What happened earlier?
Todd: The first time I did that, you know, on someone else, he forced me to do it. He was pushing on my head and I couldn't breathe. When I was doing that with you I was remembering that and I felt like I was having a panic attack. The feeling kept getting worse and I had to get away from it.
Tea: Why didn't you stop if it was causing you so much pain?
Todd: I don't want him to keep winning.
Tea: He won't.
Todd: Sure, he will. He always does. It doesn't matter that he's not around anymore. He's still torturing me. He'll never stop.
Tea: Yes, he will. You know, Todd, he's already lost.
Todd: How do you figure?
Tea: You found love, which is exactly what he didn't want you to have. I love you. Your daughter loves you. Your sister...
Todd (interrupting): I get the idea. Yeah, he'd be pretty ticked at all of you. If he was around he'd do what he had to do so that none of you would want to be around me anymore.
Tea: Todd, you don't have to run every time you feel yourself panicking. You could stay. I could help you.
Todd: That's not as easy as you think it is.
Tea: You stayed this time. Do you regret it?
Todd: Not yet.
to be continued...
