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| IN SICKNESS BY TIMA |
CHAPTERS 46 - 50 |
PREVIOUSLY...
[Todd stops moving and allows Tea to cover his body. As she moves back away from him she sees that he's staring intently at her.]
Tea: Why don't you close your eyes and try to sleep.
[Todd shakes his head frantically and she recognizes the look of panic in his eyes.]
Tea: It's okay. I'm right here. I'll stay with you, okay? I won't let anyone hurt you.
[For several minutes Todd continues to refuse to close his eyes but eventually the exhaustion becomes overwhelming for him. As he finally closes his eyes Tea sees that his body is still trembling and several times he opens his eyes again to check if she's still there. Finally, his body relaxes as he falls asleep. Tea cries silently as she watches her sleeping husband.]
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
chapter 46:
[The next day, Todd awakens and is startled to find himself under the kitchen table. He's even more startled to discover that he's naked and covered with a table cloth. After a moment Todd starts to recall the previous night. He doesn't remember all of it but bits and pieces of it are starting to come to him, although, they are rather hazy in his memory. As he looks around the kitchen he notices a pile of clothing on a nearby chair. He gets up and puts the clothes on. As he leaves the kitchen and enters the living room he is surprised to see Viki sitting in a chair looking over some papers in her lap.]
Todd: Um...where's...uh...where's Tea?
Viki (looking up at him): She had an appointment with her doctor.
Todd: Oh yeah, I remember. That's not until noon, though.
Viki: It's already past noon.
Todd (confused that he slept so long): Oh.
Viki: Are you all right?
Todd: Did she drive herself?
Viki: Carlotta drove her.
Todd: Oh, okay.
Viki: So, how are you?
Todd: I'm okay...I'm normal.
Viki (surveying the damage in the living room): From the looks of this room you must not have been okay last night.
Todd: What did Tea tell you?
Viki: Not much. When she called she told me that you had a difficult night. She said that she had to go to the doctor but didn't want to leave you alone.
Todd: She should have woke me up. I wanted to go with her.
Viki: She thought it was more important that you get some sleep. After all of the damage you did to your home I would imagine you were quite exhausted.
[Todd looks away uncomfortably. Viki guesses from his body language that whatever happened probably had something to do with the sexual abuse from his father.]
Viki: Tea did tell me one other thing.
Todd (looking back at her): What?
Viki: She told me not to go into the kitchen unless I heard noises that sounded like you were hurting yourself.
Todd: She said that?
Viki: Yes, she did.
Todd: Oh.
Viki: Do you want to tell me what happened last night?
Todd: No.
Viki: Did you tell Tea whatever the problem was?
Todd: I don't think so. I don't really remember.
Viki: Todd...
Todd (interrupting): I don't want to hear anything about therapy or shrinks or any of that stupid stuff.
Viki: Do you think you're handling everything okay on your own?
Todd: I have Tea.
Viki: And you have me too but if it's this bad you may need some extra help.
Todd: I'm fine.
Viki: I don't believe that and I don't think that you do either. What if Starr had been here last night?
Todd: I would never do anything like this in front of Starr.
Viki: What if you couldn't control yourself? What if you couldn't stop the rage?
Todd: I don't feel rage when I'm with Starr. I won't allow it.
Viki: You can't always control when you have memories or how your mind and body will handle them. I know this from my own experiences.
Todd: It was different for you.
Viki: I'm sure it was. It's different for each person who is sexually abused.
[Todd visibly cringes hearing his sister say the words.]
Todd: Do we have to talk about this?
Viki: You need to talk to someone.
Todd: I talk to Tea.
Viki: There's nothing to be ashamed of, Todd. It wasn't your fault.
Todd: I don't want to talk about this.
[Todd hears a car in the driveway and a car door shutting. He rushes to the front door and opens it as Carlotta is driving away and Tea is approaching the steps. They both stop and look at each other without saying anything. After several awkward moments Viki appears behind Todd.]
Viki: Would you like me to stay?
Todd: No. Go away.
Viki: Tea?
Tea: It's okay. Thank you for coming. We both appreciate it.
[Todd moves out of the way and Viki walks passed him.]
Viki: Well, if you need me just give me a call.
[Viki gives Tea's arm a reassuring pat as she walks past her and toward her car. As Viki drives away, Tea and Todd continue to stare at each other awkwardly.]
Todd: Uh...did you want to come inside? (seeing Tea hesitate) I'm...I'm calm now. You don't have to worry.
[Tea silently walks passed him and into the house. As she looks around the living room she's actually shocked by the destruction in front of her. It's even worse than she had recalled it to be.]
Tea: I'm not cleaning this up. I cleaned up enough of your messes when we were married the first time. I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore. If you're going to trash the place then you clean it up.
Todd: I will. Uh, Tea...
Tea (interrupting him): You know, I'm really tired. Could whatever you want to say wait until I've had some sleep?
Todd: Did you sleep at all last night?
Tea: No. I did nap a little in Carlotta's car but I need to get some actual sleep.
[Tea starts to slowly walk upstairs. After hesitating for several minutes Todd follows her. When he enters their bedroom he finds Tea without her shirt on, removing her bra. For a moment they both silently stare at each other as she stands there half naked in front of him.]
Todd (turning around so his back is facing her): Sorry...um...I didn't mean to...uh...I didn't know you were changing your clothes.
Tea: That's okay. You've seen me before.
Todd: Yeah, but that was when you wanted me to see you. I just...I just wanted to, you know, ask you how it went with the doctor.
Tea: Turn around, Todd.
Todd: Are you dressed?
Tea: No.
Todd: I'll wait until you are.
Tea: It doesn't bother me if you see me without my clothes on.
Todd: After last night...
Tea: Nothing has changed. I still trust you. I still love you. Nothing will ever change that.
[Todd turns around and looks at Tea.]
Todd: You look really tired.
Tea: I am really tired.
Todd: Then get into bed and you can tell me what the doctor said.
Tea: It was good news actually.
Todd: Your face doesn't look like you got good news.
Tea: The cancer's gone.
Todd: What?
Tea: It's gone.
Todd: Really?
Tea: I wouldn't lie to you about that.
Todd: Is the doctor sure?
Tea: Yes. (quickly adding) That doesn't mean that it won't come back, of course.
Todd: It won't.
[Tea smiles a little at his optimism.]
Todd: So, it's over.
Tea: Not quite.
Todd: What do you mean?
Tea: My doctor wants me to do the chemotherapy one more time.
Todd: Why?
Tea: Just to be sure.
Todd: If you're already cured why would they want to keep putting you through that?
Tea: It's just a precautionary measure.
Todd: But the cancer is gone?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: I always knew you'd be okay.
[Tea and Todd share an intense look for a moment. Todd approaches Tea and puts his arms around her. Tea tries to control her emotions but the reality of everything hits her too hard and she can't stop the feelings from overwhelming her.]
Todd: It's okay, Tea. It's okay.
[Tea clings to Todd as her body starts to shake with sobs. Todd holds on to her tightly as he feels his own emotions rising. Not wanting to burst into tears himself, Todd pulls away from Tea. This, he quickly realizes, makes her cry even harder. Tea is so overwhelmed that she moves over to the bed and collapses on top of it. Todd watches his wife for a moment before sitting down next to her on the bed. He tentatively reaches his hand out and touches her bare back, trying to soothe her. When this doesn't seem to stop her sobbing he leans down so his head is next to hers on the bed.]
Todd (as he moves his hand gently along her back): Tell me what to do.
[Tea tries to speak but she finds that she can't, at least not coherently. Todd moves so his body is slightly touching Tea's.]
Todd (placing his arm across Tea's back): Do you want me to take off my shirt and hold you? Would that make you feel better? Tea?
[Todd moves away from Tea and goes into the bathroom to get some tissues for her. As she feels his body leave hers the volume of her sobs increases. Todd quickly returns.]
Todd (holding out the box of tissues): Here. (Tea doesn't respond) Come on, Tea, you're ruining the comforter.
[Todd takes a few tissues out of the box and shoves them between the bed and Tea's face. Tea starts to have difficulty breathing and Todd rubs her back again not really knowing what else to do. Tea starts to slowly sit up and Todd hands her more tissues.]
Todd: Are you okay now?
[Tea still can't speak but her sobbing lessens. Tea looks at Todd through her tears, wanting desperately to be in his arms. Todd takes a stack of tissues and places them on his shoulder. He then moves forward on the bed and puts his arms around Tea. She rests her face on the tissues on his shoulder and continues to cry as Todd caresses her back.]
chapter 47:
[After several minutes of Todd holding her, Tea becomes calm...very calm. Convinced that Tea is asleep, Todd tries to think of how to put her in the bed without waking her. He starts to slowly recline his body as he turns to the side.]
Tea: It's okay, Todd. I'm not asleep.
Todd: Oh. I thought you were.
Tea: I'm not.
[Tea breathes deeply and Todd can see that she's even more exhausted.]
Todd: You should go to sleep.
Tea: I know. I don't know if I can do it though. There's so much in my head right now.
Todd: It will all still be there after you sleep. You still need sleep to be healthy, right?
Tea: Right. I want to go out on the balcony.
Todd: Okay.
[Tea stands up and starts to walk toward the balcony.]
Todd: Um, Tea?
Tea (turning around): Yes?
Todd: Um...(gesturing to her naked upper body)...uh...
Tea (looking down at her body): I don't care. We're all alone out here. No one's going to see me. It's not cold out. It'll be fine.
[Tea continues walking toward the balcony.]
Todd: Wait!
Tea: Todd, it really doesn't bother me. If it bothers you then stay in here. I almost died. Now I'm going to live. If someone were to see me I wouldn't care. I'm tired. I feel like being outside and I don't care how I'm dressed.
Todd: Just give me a minute.
Tea: For what?
Todd: Just give me a minute, okay?
Tea: Fine. I'll go brush my teeth.
[Tea goes into the bathroom and brushes her teeth while Todd gathers numerous blankets and sheets. When Tea finishes in the bathroom and goes out onto the balcony she finds that Todd has covered the balcony railing with sheets and placed a pile of blankets on the balcony floor for her to sleep on.]
Todd: Is this okay? And, could you lay down before someone sees you?
Tea (taking her position on the blankets and looking up toward the sky): Aren't you worried about a helicopter flying by and the pilot seeing me?
Todd (looking up): I hadn't thought of that. (offering her a sheet) Here. You can cover with this.
Tea: I don't want to.
Todd: You might get cold.
Tea: No, I won't. Besides, I want to feel free. That's the whole point of sleeping out here like this. I want to breathe the air. I want to feel it on my body. I want to feel completely free out here.
Todd: I think you'd sleep better on the bed.
Tea: I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to stay out here with me if you don't want to.
Todd: Will you be able to fall asleep?
Tea: Eventually.
Todd: Is there anything I can do?
Tea: You've done plenty. This is very sweet.
Todd (sarcastically): That's me - sweet.
[Tea laughs softly and then sighs with exhaustion. Todd, who had been sitting off to the side, reclines next to Tea and begins rubbing her forehead.]
Tea: What are you doing?
Todd: It helps me sleep when you do this for me. Does it help you?
Tea: I don't know. No one's ever done it for me before.
Todd: Well, close your eyes and see if it works.
[Tea closes her eyes and tries to relax her mind but finds it impossible to stop thinking.]
Tea (opening her eyes and looking at Todd): How do you feel? Are you okay?
Todd: I'm fine. Go to sleep.
Tea: Do you want to talk about...about last night?
Todd: No.
Tea: I'm sorry.
Todd: For what?
Tea: What I did.
Todd: What did you do?
Tea: I...I was pressuring you. I should have waited until you were ready. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Todd: It wasn't your fault.
Tea: But I was pushing you.
Todd: I understand.
Tea: I don't. I just wanted to be with you. I needed to be with you so much. I'm sorry I hurt you.
Todd: Stop apologizing.
Tea: If I hadn't...
Todd (interrupting): It still would have happened.
Tea: No, it wouldn't have.
Todd: Okay, maybe not in that moment but it would have happened. I know that you wanted to be with me. I understand that. I mean, I don't understand why you want to be with me but I know that you do. I know that you weren't trying to make that happen. You just wanted to be with me.
Tea: What did happen?
Todd: You probably know more than I do.
Tea: You don't remember it?
Todd: You should sleep.
Tea: Do you remember what happened?
Todd: Sort of...some of it...I think. It's kind of confusing in my head.
Tea: You were having a memory of your father. Do you remember that?
Todd: My birthday.
Tea: Do you remember, uh, the details?
Todd: He was raping me.
[Tea is shocked that he admitted it so easily.]
Tea: Do you want to talk about it?
Todd: I never want to talk about it.
Tea: You said that he was proving what a...what a...um...pervert you were, do you remember that?
[Todd rolls onto his back and stares at the sky.]
Tea: I'm sorry. We don't have to talk about this right now.
Todd: I lied.
Tea: About what?
Todd: About him raping me.
Tea: What do you mean?
Todd: He didn't rape me.
Tea: Todd...
Todd: He didn't. I chose it.
Tea: What does that mean?
Todd: It means that I chose it.
Tea: Did you want it? Did you want him to do that to you?
Todd: It doesn't matter.
Tea: Yes, it does. Did you want it?
Todd: No.
Tea: Then it was rape.
Todd: But I chose it.
Tea: How did you choose it?
Todd: He gave me a choice and I chose it.
Tea: What was your other choice?
[Todd turns on his side facing away from Tea. Tea reaches her hand out and places it on his arm. He pulls away from her but she persists and puts her hand gently on his arm again. He doesn't pull away.]
Tea: No matter what you tell me right now you know that I'll love you. I'll still want to touch you. I'll still want to be with you, to share my life with you. It doesn't matter how perverted you think what happened that day was it won't change how I feel about you.
Todd: Could you cover up?
Tea: I'll go put a shirt on.
Todd (quickly): No. Don't leave.
Tea: I'll be right back.
Todd: No. Just put a sheet around you.
[Tea quickly grabs a sheet and covers her body with it.]
Tea: Okay. I'm covered.
[Todd rolls over facing her and looks in her eyes for a minute.]
Todd: You should sleep.
Tea: I will. You can tell me now or you can wait. It's up to you.
Todd: I don't know. I want you to sleep and I don't want to talk about it but I want you to know why last night happened. You deserve to know.
Tea: It can wait.
Todd: Go to sleep now and I'll try to tell you when you wake up.
Tea: Okay.
[Tea closes her eyes and almost immediately starts to fall asleep. Todd watches her for a few minutes.]
Todd: Tea, are you still awake?
Tea (sleepily): Sort of.
Todd: Do you want me to take you inside?
Tea: I'm fine.
Todd: I was just thinking that if you're going to stay out here then maybe you should put some sun block on. Tea?
Tea: I'll be fine, Todd. Don't worry about me.
[Todd goes into the house and comes back with a bottle of sun block. He puts some on his hand and starts rubbing it on her head.]
Tea (opening her eyes and looking at him): What are you doing?
Todd: You shouldn't be out here without protecting your skin. Do you want to do it yourself?
Tea: No. You do it. I'll just get some sleep.
[Todd continues applying sun block to her head and her face. He then starts working on her arms. When he finishes with her arms he pulls the sheet covering her body away and begins applying sun block to her neck.]
Tea (with her eyes still closed): Todd?
Todd: If you want me to cover you up again I will.
Tea: I thought you wanted it.
[Todd skips her chest and massages the sun block into her stomach.]
Todd: You want to be free and feel the air and all of that. You should have that if that's what you want. Sometimes I wish I could be free. Sometimes I wish just for a little while I could know what it's like to feel completely free.
[Todd hesitates before he begins working on her chest.]
Todd: There have been moments, you know, when I kind of felt that...maybe...I don't know. It seems like even when I should be relaxed I'm not. I'm always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. It always does happen too, you know. Always. I feel kind of free when I'm with Starr. I try to let go of all the bad stuff when I'm with her. It doesn't really go away but I can sort of put it aside for a little while sometimes when I'm with her. I feel that with you too sometimes, sort of. Sometimes when I watch you sleep and you look so peaceful and I think that I can almost feel what that feels like. It's not just when you're asleep though. There have been moments when we've been together and you touch me and there's something in the way it feels and sometimes when I touch you, I don't know, just for that moment none of the bad stuff exists. It always comes back though. My brain starts telling me what a loser I am and that you wouldn't love me if you knew stuff. For that moment, for those few seconds, that my brain leaves me alone I think I know what it feels like. I think I know the feeling that you're looking for. I understand why you would want it. You're never going to get it being with me, though. You should find someone else, someone who can give that feeling to you all the time not just a few moments once in awhile.
Tea: I don't want anyone else.
[Todd pulls his hand away from Tea's chest startled that she's still awake.]
Todd: I thought you were sleeping.
Tea (opening her eyes): Is that the only reason you said those things? Because you thought I was asleep?
Todd: Yes.
Tea (closing her eyes again): Okay.
Todd: Are you mad?
Tea: About what?
Todd: I don't know.
Tea: I'm not mad, Todd. I hope you've had that feeling occasionally with me but I understand why it isn't easy for you.
Todd: Okay.
Tea (opening her eyes again and staring into his eyes): If you're asking if I'm mad that you've been massaging my chest for the last few minutes while you talked, I'm not mad about that either. It felt good, very relaxing.
Todd: Do you want me...do you want me to keep...um...should I...
[Tea reaches her hand out and takes hold of his hand and places in on her chest.]
Tea: Could you do me a favor and keep doing this until I fall asleep?
Todd: Are you sure?
Tea: Very sure.
Todd: If you want me to.
[Tea closes her eyes again as Todd moves his hand across her chest and stomach. It doesn't take long for Tea to drift into sleep.]
chapter 48:
[Several hours later Tea awakens. She can feel that Todd is no longer next to her. She's not surprised that he's not there but it does make her feel sad and lonely. When she opens her eyes she's surprised to see Todd sitting on the other side of the balcony staring at her.]
Tea (sitting up and stretching): How long did I sleep?
Todd (looking at his watch): A few hours.
Tea: That's all? I thought I'd sleep at least half a day.
Todd: Nope, just a few hours. Are you still tired?
Tea: Yeah.
Todd: Go back to sleep.
Tea: In a little while.
[Tea looks at Todd. She can tell from his body language that he's extremely uncomfortable. She considers covering her naked upper body but worries that he'll think it's because she doesn't want to be naked in front of him.]
Todd: Are you going to ask me?
Tea: Ask you what?
Todd: About last night...about what I was remembering.
Tea: I know what you were remembering.
Todd: Do you want the details?
Tea: Only if you want to tell me.
Todd: Since when does that matter?
Tea: That has always mattered. Would it help you to talk about it?
Todd: Nothing helps.
Tea: I thought being with me did?
Todd: It does...sometimes.
Tea: It's your decision whether you want to tell me.
Todd: If I told you that we would never have sex again would you still want to be with me?
Tea (surprised at the new direction of the conversation): Yes, I would.
Todd: Why?
Tea: Because I don't want to be with you because of sex.
Todd: If you did you'd be really disappointed.
Tea: I have never been disappointed, Todd. The times that we've done...um...sexual things have never been disappointing to me.
Todd: Yeah right! You got a thrill out of my leaving you naked in that bathtub. You must have really enjoyed it when I humped you out here on your first night here and then walked away. Last night... (Todd stops speaking for a moment) In all the time you've been here we've only actually had sex once.
Tea: But there have been other times that we've been close, that we've touched or kissed. There have been nights when we held each other for hours. Maybe you don't consider those times to be important but I certainly do.
Todd: In the past when I had sex the memories would be there sometimes but I could shove them away. I can't seem to do that anymore. I can't offer you anything, Tea.
Tea: Sex isn't the most important part of a marriage.
Todd: It isn't?
Tea: Do you really believe that it is?
Todd: My father...
Tea: Your father was a bastard who didn't know anything. Most of what he taught you was wrong and you know it.
Todd: No, I don't.
Tea: Yes, you do. If you believed in the lessons that your father taught you then you would be raising your daughter very differently, wouldn't you?
[Todd looks away.]
Tea: I'm sorry. I know you don't like to think about your father and Starr at the same time but you know I'm right. You don't do to Starr what your father did to you so you obviously know that what he did was wrong. You would never hurt Starr the way that he hurt you. I know that. For some reason though when it comes to how you see yourself you continue to let him be the one that you listen to, that you trust. Why?
Todd: He was right.
Tea: What was he right about?
Todd: Everything.
Tea: That's not true.
Todd: I don't deserve Starr and she didn't deserve to get stuck with a loser like me as her father.
Tea: Starr loves you. You are a wonderful father. You're not at all like your father was and I don't think that you even have to work very hard at it. It comes so naturally to you. You know how to treat her, how to take care of her and make her feel loved.
Todd: I do love her. I love her more than anything.
Tea: I know.
Todd: Viki was trying to shove that shrink stuff on me again before you got home. She tried to scare me by bringing up the idea that Starr could be here sometime when I lose control like I did last night.
Tea: Are you scared?
Todd: I won't let it happen around her. I won't.
Tea: When I was in the hospital you were afraid to be alone here with her. You also told me when I first came here that if I moved in you wouldn't be afraid anymore to have Starr come and visit. Why are you afraid to be alone with her?
Todd: I would never hurt her.
Tea: I know that.
Todd: Viki was right.
Tea: About therapy?
Todd: Hell no!
Tea: Then what?
Todd: I can't control when the memories come.
Tea: Well, mostly they seem to come when we're intimate.
Todd: No. They're around all the time. When we're together, in that way, it just seems easier for them to take over.
Tea (understanding): Because you're vulnerable. Is that why you don't want to have sex again? Because you think that if you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable like that then the memories won't be able to get out?
Todd: It makes sense, sort of.
Tea: Wouldn't it be better to deal with the memories so they wouldn't have any power anymore?
Todd: I knew you'd say something like that.
Tea: Do you want to talk about last night?
Todd: Do you really want to hear about it?
Tea: If you need to talk about it then, yes, I want to hear about it.
[Todd doesn't say anything. He looks down at his hand which is in constant motion tapping against his leg.]
Tea: Do you need me to help you get started?
Todd: Okay.
Tea: Uh...what about Michelle? Was she there when he...
Todd (quickly interrupting): No! No way.
Tea: Did she leave on her own?
Todd: Well, he was yelling and stuff and then he threw her out. I was glad she was gone. I didn't want him to...
Tea: What didn't you want?
Todd: Never mind.
Tea: What happened after she left?
Todd: I was cleaning up the cake. He had thrown it on the floor.
Tea: What was your father doing?
Todd: Don't call him that.
Tea: Okay. I'm sorry. What was Peter doing?
Todd: Yelling and walking around and...and he kicked me a few times. Then he...uh...he pushed me down, you know, onto my stomach. He got on top of me and he pulled up my shirt and he was hitting me with his belt. He was saying stuff. The usual things really. You know, that I was a loser and stuff like that. He started saying things about Michelle and it made me angry. He could say whatever he wanted about me but... I don't know, I guess I reacted to what he was saying. I mean, I lifted my body up, or I tried to anyway. He was too heavy on top of me but he could tell that I tried to get up.
Tea: What did he do?
Todd: He grabbed my hair in the back and he pulled my head back and then he...he...he pushed on the back of my head really hard and he slammed my head into the floor. (with pride) I didn't pass out, though. I did not pass out.
Tea: Then what happened?
Todd: I blew it. I showed him that I cared about her. He used it.
Tea: How did he use it?
Todd: He...he...uh...he said stuff about her, disgusting stuff. He told me what he wanted to do to her. And she...she was so stupid.
Tea: How?
Todd: Before he got angry, when he first came in, before he saw the cake and before he knew I took his lighter, they were talking and she told him where she lived and that her family was out of town. She was so dumb. He told me that he was thinking about going to her house and doing this stuff with her.
Tea: You told me before that he gave you a choice. What was the choice?
Todd: Well, he said that he could go and have sex with her. He said that if she put up a fight he'd...he'd... He actually said that he hoped she'd put up a fight because it would make it more fun for him.
Tea: So, either he raped her or he raped you. You chose to save her, to protect her.
Todd: I didn't protect her. It was her own fault.
Tea: What was?
Todd: Never mind.
Tea: What happened to Michelle?
Todd: I don't know. I honestly don't.
Tea: What do you think happened to her?
Todd: I think he probably did what he wanted to do.
Tea: Do you think he raped her?
Todd: Probably.
Tea: Do you think he killed her?
Todd: Probably.
Tea: Do you know where her body would be if he did?
Todd: I might. He had some favorite places that he liked to take me. He might have taken her to one of those places. (looking up at her) You're not thinking about telling the cops, are you?
Tea: What if he did kill her, don't you think her family deserves to know where she is and what happened to her?
Todd: But they won't believe me. You know they won't. They'll think I did it. They'll lock me away forever.
Tea: I wouldn't let that happen.
Todd: You wouldn't be able to stop it. Do you think I did it?
Tea: No, of course not.
Todd: If he did that to her then I feel bad about it and I feel bad for her family. I thought about it at the time, you know, I did. I thought about telling the police but I was afraid of what he would do. If I tell them now they'll lock me up, I know it. I can't go back to prison. I just can't.
Tea: Okay.
Todd: Do you still want me to tell you?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: He wanted it to be different.
Tea: How?
Todd (looking away): He wanted me to say stuff.
Tea: What did he want you to say?
Todd: Just stuff.
Tea: What kind of stuff? (Todd doesn't say anything) Last night you told me that he was showing you what a pervert you were. What did you mean?
Todd: I am a pervert.
Tea: I don't think so. Did he call you a pervert?
Todd: He said...
Tea: What did he say?
Todd: He wanted me to say stuff while he was doing it and, actually, he wanted even more than that.
Tea: What did he want you to say to him?
Todd (quietly): That I wanted it.
Tea: And you told him?
Todd: I had to. He wanted me...he wanted me to beg him. He wanted me to beg him to rape me. Normally, I wouldn't say anything he'd just do what he wanted to do and that would be it but this time he really wanted it to be different.
Tea: How else did he want it to be different?
Todd: Um...well...normally...uh...normally he...uh...he, I mean, I would be, you know, on my...um...on my stomach.
Tea: And this time he wanted something different. What did he want this time?
Todd: Back.
Tea: He wanted you to be on your back?
Todd: Yeah.
Tea: Did he tell you why?
Todd (looking down): He wanted to see my face. He wanted me to tell him how much I wanted it. After he...uh...started then he wanted me to tell him how it felt. He wanted me to tell him that it felt good, that I liked it. He wanted me to beg him to do it harder and faster. He wanted me to tell him how good he was. He wanted...he wanted me to use the words, you know, dirty words. (looking directly at Tea) Words I would never use with you, Tea, I swear. (looking down again) He...while he was...um...while...uh...he told me to do something.
Tea: What? (not getting a response) What did he tell you to do?
Todd: He wanted me to, you know...
Tea: Whatever it is, it's okay for you to tell me. I won't think any less of you, I promise.
Todd: He wanted me to touch myself. So, I did. I touched myself.
Tea: Okay.
Todd: And he...and then...it was over. He told me to stop touching myself so I stopped. He started laughing at me. He said that he knew it...that he had known it all along. He said he knew that I was a pervert and that I had been enjoying what he had been doing to me. He said he could tell how into it I was. He...he...uh...he waved...um...himself...you know...in front of me and said that anytime I wanted it I could beg for it again.
Tea: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. He was the pervert, Todd, not you. He never should have done that to you, to his son.
Todd: He left the room for, I don't know, I think a couple of minutes. I just laid there with my pants off. I couldn't move. When he came back in he looked at me laying there like that, he told me that he wasn't in the mood again yet and that I should put my pants back on. While I was putting them back on there was this thought in my head, it was a really strong thought...I wanted him dead. I really wanted him dead. There was this other thought though, well, it was more like a feeling.
Tea: What?
Todd: I wanted to take a shower. I wanted to stand under a boiling hot shower. I started to leave the room and as I passed by him, he spoke to me.
Tea: What did he say?
Todd: He called me son. That's it, just that one word but something in me, I don't know, it was almost like I could hear it snap, you know, like you can hear a bone break. I could hear something break inside of me and I just completely lost control. I knew what I was doing but I didn't feel completely like it was me doing it. I mean, I could feel it. I could feel my hands on his throat but I didn't feel like I was completely there. I wanted it though. I wanted him to die and I wanted to be the one to kill him. I wanted to feel him die under my hands. I wanted to watch his eyes as he died. I wanted it. I wanted him dead.
Tea: What stopped you?
Todd: Sam.
Tea: Sam?
Todd: I could hear this noise. I don't know how long it was happening but I could hear this noise. After hearing it kind of in the distance for a little while I figured out what it was. Someone was ringing the doorbell over and over and pounding on the door. I looked up and I could see Sam through the window in the door. He was calling out to me, telling me to stop. He was saying that he would help me but that I had to open the door. I don't know why I did it. I wanted him dead. I swear, I wanted him dead but I let go and I went to the door and I opened it. (Todd is silent for a moment) It was weird, you know, I had this feeling like I never wanted anyone to ever touch me again for the rest of my life. I didn't even feel like I wanted to have a life anymore really. I don't know why but he was just standing there and he was asking me what happened and I just...I just...I...
[For the first time during this conversation Todd gets tears in his eyes.]
Tea (softly): What did you do?
Todd (as a tear falls down his cheek): I...I...I...hugged...him.
Tea (with tears in her own eyes): It's okay, Todd. It's understandable. I'm glad that he was there for you.
Todd: I don't want to talk about him. I don't want to talk at all anymore.
Tea: We don't have to talk.
Todd: I need to be alone. I just need to be alone for a while.
Tea: Okay.
[Todd quickly leaves the balcony.]
chapter 49:
[Days pass with Tea having barely seen Todd. He spends all his time watching TV with Moose. At least that's what Tea thinks he's doing. She gives him the space he needs and waits for him to come to her.
As she starts her final treatment, Todd is still virtually absent from her life. They live in the same house but keep to themselves, Tea upstairs and Todd downstairs. The only time that Todd goes upstairs is to use the computer in his office but he's always careful to do it late at night when there won't be any chance of him bumping into Tea. Tea lays awake many nights hearing Todd in his office and crying because she knows that he is so close to her and so completely distant from her. They do run into each other occasionally in the kitchen but Todd always exits quickly, never speaking more than a few words to Tea at a time.
Carlotta drives Tea to the doctor but Tea no longer allows her to come and care for her occasionally as she had previously. Tea doesn't want Carlotta to see how removed Todd is. Carlotta knows that something is wrong but she doesn't push Tea to find out what it is.
The comfort that Tea used to take from Todd during the worst moments from the chemotherapy is gone. She deals with it all alone. She feels like she's living alone except for the pain of knowing that the man she loves is in another part of the house refusing to have anything to do with her.
Almost every night Todd stands in the doorway of the master bedroom, Tea never closes the door, and watches his wife sleep. Many nights Tea lies awake waiting for the moment she hears him in the hall. Knowing that he's watching her she allows herself to drift off to sleep pretending that he's really beside her on the bed not standing in the hallway so far away from her.
Todd is not only distancing himself from Tea but from everyone else in his life, including Starr. When Blair calls because Todd doesn't show up to pick up Starr on their usual day together Tea makes an excuse for why Todd wasn't there, pretending that Todd was taking care of her because of her side effects. When Tea tries to talk to Todd about missing time with Starr he refuses to speak to, or even look at, her.
Tea calls Viki hoping that maybe his sister can get through to him. Viki stops by the house and is shocked at Todd's appearance. He clearly hasn't bathed or changed his clothes in days. Todd refuses to acknowledge Viki's presence and just sits in silence staring at the television while Viki tries talking to him. Viki finally gives up and leaves.
Tea waits until her treatment is over and her side effects have faded enough that she has felt okay for a few days. She stuffs some clothes into a bag and goes downstairs to inform Todd of the plans she's been secretly formulating for days.
As she enters the room she silently moves closer to Todd and sees he's facing the TV but has his eyes closed. Moose sees her and alerts Todd to her presence. Todd opens his eyes and jumps up suddenly.]
Todd: What are you doing in here?
Tea: Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt your quality time with Moose but I needed to talk to you.
Todd: Later.
[Todd sits back down and pretends to turn his attention to the show currently on the TV screen.]
Tea: This won't take long. (taking a deep breath) I'm going away for a few days. (noticing Todd visibly tense up) I'm coming back. I promise I am. I just need a few days away.
Todd: Why?
Tea: To think. A lot has happened in my life recently. I need some time to think about it.
Todd: You can't think here?
Tea: No.
Todd: Where?
Tea: I'd rather not say.
Todd: So this is it? You're leaving?
Tea: Not permanently.
Todd: Right.
Tea: I'm not. I'll be back in a few days.
Todd (harshly): Leave if you're gonna leave
Tea: I could call every day if you want.
Todd: Don't bother.
Tea (hurt): Right. Well, bye. I'll see you in a few days.
[Since a good-bye kiss is obviously out of the question Tea turns and walks out of the room. Todd is devastated. He's been shutting her out but he certainly didn't want her to leave. He's not completely surprised though since he expects everyone he cares about to eventually leave him.
Tea puts her bag in the trunk of her car and slams the trunk angry at herself, angry at Todd, angry at the situation. As Tea is about to get into her car Todd bursts out of the house.]
Todd: You're not doing this.
Tea: It's just...
[Before Tea can finish the sentence Todd has her body pinned against the side of her car, his own body pressing strongly against hers.]
Todd: Tell me what this is really about.
Tea: I told you. I need some time to think.
Todd: Don't give me that garbage. I know what this is about.
Tea: What?
Todd: What everything is always about.
Tea: And what is that?
Todd (grinding his lower body into hers): You know.
Tea: That isn't what this is about.
Todd: Don't lie to me. I hate it when you do that. You're upset that we haven't been having sex, right? So, okay, fine...we'll have sex.
Tea: You're wrong.
Todd (grinding his body into hers again and fondling her breast through her shirt): I know what you want.
Tea (pushing hard against him and forcing his body away from her): Get the hell off of me. You don't know a damn thing and if you ever treat me like that again I will leave you...permanently.
Todd (confused): I thought...
Tea (still extremely angry): I know exactly what you thought. You made it perfectly clear what you thought. What else did you think? Huh? Where you going put a gag in my mouth again? Put me in the...
[Tea looks toward the back of the car and then down at the ground. Todd watches Tea's face as it goes from anger to deep sadness.]
Todd: What's wrong, Tea?
[Tea doesn't respond and refuses to look at him. Todd takes a step toward Tea and she instinctively backs away.]
Todd: Tell me.
[Tea looks up and into Todd's face. She can see the confusion and hurt on his face. She knows that he needs her to make it okay for him but she needs him to make it okay for her and she knows that he can't.]
Tea (looking away again): It's nothing. I have to go. I'll be back in a few days.
Todd (speaking softly as Tea opens her car door and is about to get in): How bad did I hurt you?
[Tea leans her head against the car as the pain in his voice rips through her heart.]
Tea (facing away from him): We shouldn't talk about this now.
Todd: How bad?
Tea (turning and looking at him): I don't want to talk about this.
Todd: I tell you stuff I don't want to talk about. (after an awkward pause) You want me to get better, right? You want me to get passed the stuff that was done to me?
Tea: You know that I do.
Todd: Then I also need to deal with the stuff I did and you need to deal with the stuff I did to you.
Tea: It doesn't have to be right now.
Todd: Then when?
[Tea wishes she could think of a good reason not to talk about it but she can't. She closes her car door and begins pacing.]
Todd: Do you want me to help you? (Tea gives him a disbelieving look) Sometimes I need you to help me before I can tell you stuff.
[Todd waits for a moment but Tea doesn't say anything. She just keeps pacing.]
Todd: Was it the night I took everyone hostage at the lodge?
Tea: You don't remember?
Todd: That night's pretty blurry in my head.
Tea: Then how did you know it was that night?
Todd: I do remember you having a gag in your mouth when we were in that shed.
Tea: But you don't remember putting it in my mouth?
Todd: No.
Tea (quietly): Maybe it's better that way.
Todd: For you or for me?
Tea: For both of us.
Todd: I think you should tell me what I did to you. (pause) If you don't I'll just fill in the blanks on my own and I'd probably imagine it worse than it was.
Tea: You couldn't.
Todd: Did I rape you?
Tea (facing him and looking directly into his eyes): No.
Todd: Then tell me what I did do or I'll image stuff like that.
[Tea walks back toward the house and sits down on the steps in front of the house. Todd follows her and stands at a slight distance looking down at her as she formulates the words to say.]
chapter 50
[Tea is quiet for several minutes as she tries to think of the best way to talk to Todd about that night. Finally, she realizes there's no good or right way to discuss it so she just dives into the conversation.]
Tea: You held everyone hostage at the lodge. You threatened to kill everyone.
Todd: Did you believe that I would have? Did you think I would kill you?
Tea (softly): I didn't know. I defended you, though. I tried to. The Buchanans...they didn't care about you. They wanted you dead. If Viki hadn't been there they probably would have tried to kill you. My being there certainly wouldn't have stopped them. The things they were saying about you...it was like they couldn't even see you as a human being. I was in love with you so I apparently didn't have any value to them either. If Viki hadn't been there they probably would have killed you in front of me.
Todd: I'm sorry.
Tea: Later in the woods, when Rachel confessed, they didn't want to believe it at first. They would have been happy for you to take the blame and Rachel could have gotten away without any penalty. Rachel, though, wouldn't let them let her off the hook.
Todd: It must have been hard for you. She was your best friend.
Tea: Yes, she was. (pause) Um, you disappeared into the woods. Everyone else went back to the lodge or wherever they went. I didn't know...I didn't care. I stayed. I wandered around in those stupid woods. I knew...I knew I'd find you...well, I knew you'd find me. You always seem to find me.
Todd: And I did. I found you.
Tea: You jumped out of the bushes. You were so happy with yourself. You had caught the person responsible for Georgie's death. You had forced a confession. You didn't understand why the police were looking for you. You didn't think you had done anything wrong.
Todd: Well, the explosives weren't real.
Tea: Your threats were.
Todd: I would never have killed you or Viki. The Buchanans, well....
Tea: You wanted me to go with you, wherever you were planning on going.
Todd: I don't like being without you.
Tea: You didn't give me a choice.
Todd: You didn't want to go with me?
Tea (looking at him): I...I (taking a deep breath) I always want to be with you. I knew running would be a mistake. You wouldn't have been able to spend time with Starr anymore and that would have devastated you. Don't try telling me that you were planning on taking her with. I think even in the state you were in you recognized how bad that situation would have been for Starr.
Todd: After we left you, you know, at that motel in Niagara Falls, Starr kept asking why we were leaving you there and when she was going to see Blair again. She deserved better than being stuck with her crazy father so I brought her back. You didn't deserve to be stuck with me either but I needed you. When I'm with you everything makes more sense. I get so confused sometimes.
Tea: You seemed pretty confused that night or at least, I don't know...different.
Todd: So, I wanted you to go with me and you refused and then...
[Tea watches Todd and can tell that he's trying really hard to remember, to fit together all of the jumbled pieces of that night in his mind.]
Tea: You grabbed me.
Todd: Oh...
Tea: I tried to get away. You had a really tight hold on me and you put your hand over my mouth to stop me from screaming.
Todd (focusing really hard): I...I dragged you... (looking at Tea) Right?
Tea (quietly): Right.
Todd: To a car. I dragged you to a car. Whose car?
Tea: Mine.
Todd: Oh.
Tea: You took the keys from me and you opened the trunk and you were digging around looking for...um...looking for something to tie me up with. There wasn't any rope though. You were pretty upset about that.
Todd: I tied the gag on your head, right?
Tea: You pushed me hard against the car. You tied the gag. You were talking, babbling really, about what to do. There wasn't any rope so you said you couldn't trust me in the car with you. You were afraid I'd interfere with your driving or try to escape. You said there was only one way you could make sure that I...that I behaved myself.
[Todd looks away from Tea and turns his body slightly away.]
Todd (looking at the ground): What I just did to you...I...I did that to you then, didn't I?
Tea: You said that if I was a...a...(her voice filled with pain)...a good little girl...
Todd (kneeling down in front of her and looking into her eyes): I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I did that to you and I'm sorry that what I just did to you made you remember that night, that I...(with tears of understanding in his eyes)...made you feel that way again.
[Without thought, Tea reaches out and touches his cheek, feeling his pain as well as her own.]
Todd: Keep going. Tell me the rest.
Tea (looking down): It's not important.
Todd: You have to tell me the rest, Tea.
Tea (taking a deep breath and then speaking quickly): You couldn't trust me, you said you couldn't trust me in the car with you. You pulled me toward the back of the car. The trunk was still open. You told me to get in. I refused. You told me that I'd better follow your orders or there would be consenquences, painful consenquences. I still didn't do it. You picked me up and forced me into the trunk. You weren't very gentle about it. You knew that my hands would be free and that I could take off the gag while you were driving so you told me that I had better still have the gag on when we got to where we were going. You said that it would be a shame if you had to hurt me but you would if I forced you to. You closed the trunk. You drove for a while. I don't know, it didn't seem that long really and then the car stopped. When you opened the trunk you pulled me out. You twisted my arm behind my back and pushed me toward the shed.
Todd: I took the gag off in the shed.
Tea: Do you remember the rest because I really don't want to talk about this.
Todd: I know I punched you. You were unconscious.
Tea (pain and anger evident in her voice): I came to and found myself tied up. The punch may have been a spontaneous reaction but...
Todd: Yeah, tying you up and leaving you tied up for so long was pretty thought out. Not that my thinking was any good then.
Tea: You were confused.
Todd: I was nuts. (pause) I untied you...eventually...you hit me with a shovel...tied me up...I told you my father burned me...you said you'd help me...you called the cops.
Tea: I was helping you. I know you couldn't see it then. I mean, you tried to have me arrested so obviously you didn't understand it then but I really did believe that the best thing I could do for you was to turn you in. (holding his face in her hands) They would have shot you. If the police had found you they would have shot you. They would have killed you and I couldn't let that happen.
Todd: You turned me in to protect me?
Tea: Yes. Even if you had made it out of town you would have been running for the rest of your life. You never would have seen Starr again. At that point...at that point I didn't know if I would be able to stand by you. A part of me wanted to...
Todd: But another part of you was screaming at you to get as far away from me as you could.
Tea: You had held me hostage, threatened to kill me. You kidnapped me, punched me in the face, tied me up, tried to have me arrested. I was pretty sure that (tears filling her eyes as a deep pain envelops her chest) the feelings I thought you had felt for me, well, they must not have been real. It was all a big lie. Just a game you had been playing with me. (tears falling down her cheeks) I knew that it wasn't going to happen. I knew that I would never be happy. I would never be loved. I always knew that no one would ever love me the way that I wanted you to love me...the way that for just a little while I thought that maybe you did. Everything you did at the lodge, in the woods, at the car, in that stupid garden shed...all of it proved to me that you had never felt any of it. I was the only one in that pretend marriage that wasn't pretending anymore.
Todd: That's not true.
Tea: That's how it felt. The worst thing that you did to me through all of that was that you broke my heart. It wasn't the first time, I mean, hell, you had already thrown me out...more than once. I had kept hoping though and what you did took away that hope. When you collapsed and then Viki told me about the DID...no, even before that...in the cabana when you tried to keep me from learning your secret... (pause) Learning about the sexual abuse explained a lot about how you were with me or sometimes the way that you weren't with me. The DID explained the violence and it gave me hope again because you could deal with it and then we could be together again. When we got married again I didn't think that you were completely healed but I had hope that it would happen, that together we would face whatever problems we had to face. Then that damn tape played...
Todd: And you felt like I had deceived you again, that I had been playing another game with you.
Tea: I was expecting it, you know. I didn't know about the tape, I didn't have any idea how it was going to happen but I knew that something would happen. Something always happened that prevented us from being happy together.
Todd: Yeah... I always expect something to happen. I'm never allowed to be happy for very long.
Tea: Neither am I.
Todd: Well, then we were idiots to fall in love with each other. We should have picked people with better luck to cancel out our bad luck. Of course, my bad luck would win out over anyone else's good luck anyway but maybe it could have happened for you with someone else.
Tea: It never has.
Todd: So...what do we do?
Tea: Right now I go away for a few days just like I planned. I need to think and you have even more to think about now.
Todd: I hate thinking. (looking deeply into her eyes) I hate not being with you. I'm so afraid that you're leaving me, really leaving me. Part of me wants you to go...part of me hopes that you get smart and don't come back.
Tea: I am coming back...in a few days. If you think about it and you decide that you don't want to be with me I won't force you or try to pressure you but I do know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Todd: Why?
Tea: I don't know. Sometimes I honestly don't know. I do know that I love you and after everything that we've been through together recently I believe that you love me too. (pausing to think for a moment) I never want you to treat me again the way that you did back then but I understand better now why it happened and what I could have done to prevent it.
Todd: Don't ever blame yourself. I won't let you blame yourself. I'm the one...I'm the one that...that...abused...you.
Tea: Todd, dont...
Todd (interrupting): No. I swore...when I was a kid I swore I would never treat my wife or my kids the way my father treated us. I've been pretty good with Starr but I've been a really lousy husband.
Tea: Not all the time.
Todd: But it never should have happened, not even once. I knew what it was like. I lived it every day. I knew how not to treat a wife.
Tea: There's more to you than the bad parts.
Todd: Do you think there was more to my father?
Tea: I don't know.
Todd: It wouldn't matter even if there were. He would still be a bastard, a monster. You know, if I found out he had been abused when he was a kid it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't change what he did to me or make it okay. What I did to you and what I did to other people...the rapes... My childhood doesn't make it okay. I knew what it was like to be treated like that and I grew up and treated people like that.
Tea: Your childhood may not excuse the things that you've done but it does explain it. If you learn how to deal with the things that were done to you then maybe you won't feel like you need to hurt other people as much.
Todd: That shrink stuff isn't going to work for me.
Tea: Then find something that does work. You don't just hurt the people you hate, like the Buchanans, you also hurt yourself and your daughter.
Todd: And you. I hurt you.
Tea: You don't have to.
[Todd sits down next to Tea on the steps.]
Todd: What if I can't stop it?
Tea: I don't know.
Todd: So...you're still leaving?
Tea: I have to but I am coming back. I'm not abandoning you.
Todd: Right.
Tea: I swear. (pause) I'm...I'm going to go inside and call Viki.
Todd: Why?
Tea: I have to go. I need to take this time, I really do. While I'm gone I don't want you to be alone.
Todd: I lived here alone before you moved in.
Tea: This has been a difficult time for you lately and I don't think you should be here alone right now.
Todd: Then stay.
Tea: I have to go. I'll only be gone a few days and then I'll be back. We can talk more then. We can try to figure this out together.
Todd: Whatever.
[Tea goes inside and phones Viki. After a brief phone conversation Tea returns and sits next to Todd again. Neither of them speak as they wait for Viki to arrive.]
to be continued...
