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| IN SICKNESS BY TIMA |
CHAPTERS 36 - 40 |
PREVIOUSLY...
Tea (cautiously): Do you want to talk about it?
Todd (still refusing eye contact): No.
Tea: Maybe you should anyway.
Todd: We're here for a reason. This isn't it.
Tea: We're here to help you and if talking about it would help you then we'll listen.
Viki: I could leave if you'd rather talk to Tea alone. I assume this has something to do with your childhood, right? I know you've been sharing pieces of your childhood with Tea. If you'd be more comfortable I'll leave.
[Todd closes his eyes trying to decide what to do, how to handle this moment.]
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
chapter 36:
[Todd puts his plate on a nearby table and stands up. He begins pacing on the other side of the room from where Tea and Viki are. He doesn't look at them but is certain that they are watching him. Tea and Viki have also put aside their food as they wait for Todd to decide how to handle this moment. Finally, Todd looks up and directly at Viki.]
Todd: This stays here. You don't tell anyone.
Viki: Of course, Todd. I would never tell anyone something you told me in confidence, unless it were necessary to save your life, of course.
Todd: This includes Sam, too. You can't tell him either.
Viki: What's going on between you and Sam?
Tea (shaking her head): Viki, that's not a good subject.
Viki: Why? (to Todd) I've spoken to him since you've been back. He doesn't understand why you refuse to see him. He's told me that you've hung up on him when he's tried to call you.
Todd: Yeah, and if he's ever stupid enough to show up at my door I'll slam it in his face.
Viki: What happened between you two?
Todd: Tea was right, it's not a good subject.
Viki: It must be something important because I know how much you love him.
Todd: I don't love that loser. I don't feel anything for him and I never will ever again. I'm glad he's out of my life. I don't need him. I don't need anyone like him in my life.
[Todd looks at Tea seeking her advice.]
Tea: It's up to you.
[Todd closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.]
Todd: Which one do you want me to tell you first?
[Tea and Viki both look at each other uncertain about which person he was talking to.]
Todd: Well? Hurry up before I decide not to tell either of you anything.
Tea: Start with Sam.
Todd: Fine. He's a bastard.
Tea (after a long pause): Um, is there more to it than that or is that it?
Todd: Well, that's the important part.
Viki: What made you change your feelings about him?
Todd: It was nothing.
Viki: It must have been something if you never want to speak to Sam again.
Todd: Just forget about it.
Viki: Can you forget about it?
Todd: I'm trying.
Tea: It isn't working.
Todd: It will.
Tea: Really?
Todd: If everyone would leave it alone it would be easier.
Tea: I don't think so.
Todd (getting agitated): I don't care what you think. (immediately regretting what he said) I didn't mean that.
Tea: Maybe you did.
Todd (looking away and taking a deep breath): It was at the airport.
Viki: The airport?
Todd: When I was leaving town. I saw him at the airport.
Viki: And what happened when you saw him.
Todd: He wanted me to tell him something.
Viki: What?
Todd: He wanted me to tell him so I did.
Viki: What did he want you to tell him?
Todd: It doesn't matter.
Tea: Todd, you don't have to tell us.
Todd: Good.
Tea: I think you need to tell someone, though.
Viki: Maybe you should talk to Sam. Tell him that he hurt you.
Todd: I don't want to talk to him. I owed him a lot so I told him what he wanted to hear. I don't ever want to talk to him again.
Tea: What did you tell him?
Todd: I thought you said I didn't have to tell you?
Tea: You don't. (pause) What did you tell him?
Todd: You're going to make me tell you, aren't you?
Tea: No.
Todd: It sounds like it.
Tea: I won't, even if I think you need to.
[Todd paces back and forth for several moments not saying anything.]
Todd: You'll both leave me alone about this if I tell you? You won't try to get me to see him or anything?
Viki: Of course.
Tea: I wouldn't do that even if you didn't tell us.
[Todd continues to pace.]
Todd: He felt guilty...about...about...what happened to me.
Tea: Your father?
Todd: Yeah. He felt bad that he didn't do anything to stop it.
Tea: Did he know?
Todd: I don't know what he knew or what he suspected. If he did know he wouldn't have been the first person who pretended it wasn't happening. Hell, even my mother left knowing what he did, what he would do. I didn't matter. I didn't really matter to anyone. Sam...he wanted to think that he was different. He wanted to think he had made a difference in my life. At the airport he wanted me to let him off the hook, to relieve him of any guilt he might have felt for not stopping it.
Tea: Stopping what?
Todd: What my father did.
Tea: Your father did a lot. Was there anything in particular that Sam felt guilty about?
Todd: That day.
Tea: Your birthday?
Todd: Yeah, it was my birthday. My father wanted to do something special to mark the day, just like every year. He always came up with something different.
Tea: What was different that year?
Todd: Sam wanted me to tell him so I did.
Tea: What did he want you to tell him?
[Todd stops pacing and stands still for a moment, staring at the wall.]
Todd: That nothing happened.
Tea: On your birthday?
Todd: I gave him what he wanted. I told him it didn't happen, that I had lied and made the whole thing up.
Tea: Did you lie?
Todd: Yes.
Tea: Which time?
Todd: I've lied many times.
Tea: Did your father rape you?
Todd: What is rape?
Tea: You know exactly what it is. Did your father rape you?
[Todd feels his head throbbing as he listens again to Tea's question.]
Todd (feeling defeated; speaking quietly): Yes.
[Tea sees an opening in Todd's defenses and storms through it.]
Tea: Was that the only time your father did that to you?
Todd: No.
Tea: Was he the only person who ever raped you?
Todd: No.
Tea: Was he the first?
Todd: Yes.
Tea: Was he the last?
[Todd doesn't respond. He feels light headed and his body sways slightly.]
Tea (concerned): Todd, sit down.
[Viki stands up and approaches Todd. She reaches her hands out to steady Todd with. The second he feels her touch he pulls violently away.]
Viki: I'm sorry. You should sit down. You look like you're about to fall down.
Todd: Are we done sharing now?
Tea: What about the cage?
Todd: You're going to make me tell you everything, aren't you? Can't I have any secrets?
Tea: You have thousands of secrets and most of them are eating away at you. Let them out and they won't have as much power over you anymore.
Todd: You want details? You want to know what that bastard did to me? Do you want me to describe what it was like when he...when he...when he was on top of me? Is that what you want? Do you have to know ever sick detail of everything he did to me? Maybe there's something wrong with you, Tea. You get off on this, don't you? You must. You must get some kind of perverted joy out of making me relive this garbage. Hey, do you want me to tell Viki all about the other night? Should I tell her what we were doing? How about what I was thinking after? Would you like that? Or does this sharing thing only work when it embarrasses me, when it humiliates me?
Tea (anger rising despite her attempts to control it) How dare you.
Todd: Yeah, that's it, isn't it? You want me to lie naked here in front of you, in front of Viki, but you don't want to bare yourself, do you? No. Put Todd on display but Delgado gets to stay safe behind her barriers, doesn't she? Why don't you talk about what it felt like when I threw you out naked, huh? Why don't you describe that in detail for us?
Tea: Why are you doing this?
Todd: What am I doing, Tea, huh? What am I doing?
Tea (angrily): Do you have DID? Because this damn well better be Pete or you can go to hell. I don't need this. I sure as hell don't need to hear you pity yourself about how humiliated you are. You're in a room with two people who love you. Anything you say to us we won't repeat. We both want the best for you. We both love you. What you did to me at our wedding, there was no love there, there was no privacy. That was public humiliation. I had to walk through this pathetic town with every person staring at me, laughing at the joke named Tea Delgado. No one will laugh at you, Todd.
Todd: Those Buchanans would if they knew. Especially...
Tea: Especially? Especially what? Who? Bo? Who is Bo, Todd? Who does he remind you of?
Todd: Nobody.
[Todd turns away from Tea.]
Tea: Fine. Turn away. Shut down. Climb back into that fortress inside yourself. It won't help. All of the pain will still be there. And you'll be all alone, Todd. Just like you've always wanted.
Todd (turning back toward Tea): So that's it? One little fight and you're calling it quits?
Tea: Little?
Todd: I knew you wouldn't be able to handle it. I knew it. You say you want me, that you want the real me. You tell me to open myself and let you see inside of me but you can't handle it. It's too ugly. Fine. Give up on me. Be just like every other loser who ever thought they could save me. No one can save me, I'm already dead.
[Tea turns her head away and buries it in her pillow. Todd immediately regrets what he said.]
Todd (walking toward her bed): Tea? Come on, Tea? You know I didn't mean that. I was just angry. You know I say stuff when I'm scared.
[Viki, who has been observing this marital exchange from a distance, decides to reenter the conversation.]
Viki: What are you scared of?
Todd (reminded that Viki is still in the room): Huh?
Viki: Whatever it is, scares you more than losing your wife. You'd rather hurt her feelings than deal with what you're feeling, so what are you feeling?
Todd: I don't know.
Viki: That's not a good enough answer.
Todd: It's the truth. I don't know. (standing next to Tea's bed) Delgado? Are you okay? Delgado?
[Todd reaches out and touches Tea's back. She pulls away from his touch and buries her head even further into her pillow. Todd pulls his hand away and stares at her back as it rapidly rises and falls as she cries into her pillow.]
Todd (quietly): I don't know. (sitting his body in the chair by Tea's bed) I love you. I hate it when you hurt. I don't know why I do that, why I make you hurt. I don't mean to. Everything gets so confused inside my head sometimes and I just want to make it stop.
Viki: Does hurting other people make it stop?
Todd: Sometimes...for a little while.
Viki: Why would hurting your wife make it easier for you?
Todd: I don't know.
Viki: You must have some idea. How does it make it easier? (Todd doesn't say anything) Do you think that if you give someone else pain it will lessen the pain that you feel?
Todd: I always feel pain. Nothing makes it less except...
Viki: Except what?
[Todd looks down at his hand and stares at his wedding ring.]
Todd: Tea makes it less. Starr makes it less. No matter how much it hurts they know how to make it less.
Viki: If that's true then why would you try to hurt Tea? Why would you go out of your way to try to damage your relationship?
Todd: I don't know.
Viki: Todd...
Todd (staring at Tea): Why do you love me?
Tea (still noticeably crying): I've told you.
Todd: I don't get it. Everybody hates me. Everybody has always hated me. People would pretend sometimes like they cared but they didn't, they would leave. They'd leave me there with him and they knew what he would do. I could see it in their faces sometimes, you know. I could tell that they felt sorry for me but they didn't do anything to stop it. Some of them would even tell me that they cared about me but they never stopped it and they always left. Everybody leaves. Nobody cares.
Tea: I care. I love you.
Todd: Why? You know what he did to me, how can you love me?
[Tea rolls over in bed to face Todd. He sees the tears falling down her cheeks and the pain in her eyes and it hurts him, it physically hurts him, to know that he caused her pain.]
Tea: Why would knowing what happened to you change how much I love you? It doesn't, Todd. You were raped. I love you. One doesn't cancel the other out. I won't stop loving you because of anything you tell me about your past. It won't happen.
Todd: Do you want me to tell you about the cage?
Tea (wiping her eyes with her hand): If you want to tell me, you can. Not right now, though, okay? I'm exhausted. I don't think I have enough strength right now. You and Viki could go somewhere and talk, if you want to talk about it right now.
Todd: Do you want me to leave?
Tea: No.
[Tea looks away, feeling embarrassed at how much she needs him and wants him to be with her even after he purposely hurt her. As Todd watches new tears fall down Tea's cheeks he leans closer to her bed and moves his finger across her wet cheek.]
Todd: Are you sure?
[Tea nods her head wordlessly. Todd gets up and lifts the blanket covering Tea. Tea moves her body over as Todd lays down next to her. Her head immediately falls to his chest as even more tears erupt from her wounded heart. Viki, sensing that her presence is no longer needed, or even noticed, quietly gathers her things and leaves the room.]
chapter 37:
Hours later...
[It's the middle of the night. Tea and Todd both jerk awake at almost the same instant.]
Todd: Are you okay? Is something wrong?
Tea: I'm fine. Are you all right?
Todd: Yeah.
[Tea lays her head back down on the pillow and stares at Todd's face. She wants to touch him but remembering what happened between them decides not to.]
Tea: I had a weird dream.
Todd: What about?
Tea: We were living in a purple house with a green door.
Todd: And?
Tea: That's all I remember.
Todd: Do you want me to have the house painted purple?
Tea: No, of course not.
Todd: Okay. I would, you know, if you wanted it.
Tea: Well, I definitely don't want it.
Todd: Okay.
Tea: Did you get any sleep?
Todd: Yeah, I must have, I just woke up.
Tea: Did you...did you have, um, any nightmares?
Todd: I don't know. Not that I remember.
Tea: Well, maybe we should try to go back to sleep.
Todd: You do that.
Tea: You're not going to?
Todd: I don't know. I'm pretty awake now. I'm not really tired.
Tea: Are you afraid to go back to sleep?
Todd: I never said that.
Tea: If you are...
Todd: I'm not, okay?
Tea: But if you were...
Todd: Are you trying to start another fight?
Tea: Are you implying that I started the last one?
Todd: You are trying to start a fight.
Tea: No, I'm not. I definitely don't want to do that again for a long time.
Todd: Just go back to sleep. I'll just lay here, okay?
Tea: If that's what you want.
[Tea closes her eyes and starts to move her head closer to Todd's on the pillow and reaches her hand out to place it on his side, like she normally would do to fall asleep, and then sensing the emotional distance between them stops and opens her eyes again.]
Tea: We should talk.
Todd: I knew it. You're not going to let this go, are you?
Tea: I can't.
Todd: Why not? You know I certainly don't want to discuss it anymore.
Tea: We don't have to talk about that if you don't want to. But we should talk about what you...uh...revealed earlier.
Todd: That's exactly what I don't want to talk about.
Tea: And you don't have to.
Todd: You're totally confusing me again.
Tea: We don't have to talk about the details but we should talk about what it means...how it affects our relationship.
[Todd moves his gaze away from Tea's eyes. He feels certain that she's disgusted to be near him now and that's why she pulled her hand away and didn't touch him just now.]
Tea: I've told you before that nothing we ever do together will be dirty or disgusting.
Todd (nodding his head): But this is different. I understand.
[Todd rolls over and starts to get out of the bed.]
Tea: Don't. I want to touch you right now to keep you here but I don't know if that's okay. Is it? That's what I want to talk to you about, Todd. Nothing has changed for me. You're the same person you were but I need to know if it's okay for me to touch you.
[Todd rests his body on the bed again and lets out a sigh.]
Tea: Is it? (softly) Is it okay if I touch you?
Todd: I would understand if you didn't want to.
Tea: But I do want to. I would like to be able to touch you, to physically comfort you the way that you comfort me when I don't feel well.
Todd: This is different.
Tea: You're hurting right now. I can see that. If I touched you, if I placed my hand on your body, would it make you feel better or would it cause you pain?
Todd: You're already touching me. It's a very small bed. I can feel your body next to me.
Tea: Okay, but what if I put my arm around you? Would that be okay?
Todd: You should get some sleep.
Tea: You need to sleep too.
Todd: Maybe I should go home. That way you could have the whole bed instead of having to share with me.
Tea: If you need to be alone right now that would be okay. I just want you to know that you don't have to leave and I certainly don't want you to leave.
Todd: What do you want?
Tea: I want to put my arm around you and hold you.
Todd: Why?
Tea: Because you're hurting. Because I think you feel very alone right now and I want to show you that you're not alone, that you'll never be alone again as long as I have any control over it.
Todd: It's weird.
Tea: What is?
Todd: You being here. Usually, in the past, when I would wake up feeling like this I was alone. Even when I wasn't alone I still was because I kept a lot of this stuff to myself. I didn't want other people to know.
Tea: You were taught from an early age not to tell.
Todd: You know, I didn't even have to be told most of the time. I knew how to play the game. I knew how I was supposed to behave. And, when I grew up I knew that no one really wanted to know any of it. Even when people know, or suspect, parts of it they don't really want the details. They don't really want to know how horrible it was.
Tea: I want to know.
Todd: Why? What do you get out of knowing?
Tea: I get to know you better and you...you don't have to be alone with it anymore. You don't have to hurt alone.
Todd: No, I can tell you and you can hurt too. I always hurt you when I tell you that kind of stuff. You always cry.
Tea: But it's a good kind of crying.
Todd: It is? You like it when I tell you this stuff?
Tea: It hurts me to think about what was done to you but it does also make me feel good.
Todd: And people think I'm sick.
Tea: What feels good is that you trust me enough to share your pain with me. I know that you don't do that with everyone. You show me how much you trust me every time you open your heart to me, every time you share your childhood with me, every time you share your body with me. That's what feels good. Your trust feels good. Your faith in me feels good. Your love for me...(smiling as she gently touches his face)...your love for me is the most incredible feeling that I have ever felt.
[Todd is noticeably uncomfortable with Tea's touch but he doesn't pull away or tell her to stop.]
Tea (continuing to caress his face): Is this okay?
Todd: Do I have a choice?
[Tea stops moving her hand and rests it on the side of Todd's face.]
Tea: You always have a choice. I'll remove my hand if you tell me to.
Todd (letting out a deep breath): I don't know.
Tea: Does my touch hurt?
Todd: Sort of.
Tea: How?
Todd: I feel so raw right now.
Tea: I can tell.
Todd: It's a strange feeling.
Tea: Explain it to me.
Todd: There's this panic inside of me. It's always been there. I don't ever remember not feeling it. There's this calm feeling too, though. Both of them are your fault.
Tea: How?
Todd: You make the panic worse because I know that you can see things...things that no one was ever supposed to see. A big part of me wants to get out of here and get away from you.
Tea: Then why are you still here?
Todd: I don't know. I can't leave. I can't move. I need to get away from you and I need to be with you. It's so confusing sometimes.
Tea: I know that feeling.
[Todd turns his head on the pillow and looks into Tea's eyes.]
Todd: You should get away from me. You don't need me hurting you and messing up your life.
Tea: No, I don't. I do, however, need you loving me and comforting me. I need you to look at me, hold me, talk to me. It would be so much simpler to not be with you but it would hurt so much to be alone now that I know what it's like to be with you, to have someone love me the way that you do.
Todd: I hurt you.
Tea: You love me.
Todd (looking away): You see what you want to see.
[Tea moves slightly closer to him on the bed and begins caressing his face again.]
Tea: I see you. I love you, Todd. Given everything that I see and everything I know, I love you. I always will.
[Todd closes his eyes and allows himself to enjoy the feeling of her hand touching his skin.]
Todd: I wish we could go home right now.
Tea: This is my last night here so when the doctors finish with me today we'll go home. We'll be alone. We won't have to worry about interruptions anymore.
Todd: I can tell you things.
Tea: If you want to.
Todd: I've decided.
Tea: What?
Todd: You can put your arm around me.
Tea: Are you sure?
[Todd doesn't respond. Tea slowly puts her arm across Todd's chest and slides her body next to Todd's and lays her head on his shoulder.]
Todd: Don't put your head there.
[Tea quickly moves her head away and looks up into Todd's face.]
Todd: Put it on the pillow. (taking a deep breath) In case I need to I can open my eyes and look at you.
[Tea smiles slightly as she repositions herself with her head on the pillow. Todd doesn't make any move to touch or hold her but she doesn't care because he hasn't left and he's letting her touch him. That's enough for her. They both close their eyes and within minutes exhaustion forces them both back to sleep.]
chapter 38:
[Tea is finally released from the hospital. On the way home Tea reclines her seat back and falls asleep. When they get home Todd turns off the car and looks at his sleeping wife. He takes her things out of the car and into the house before going back to the car and waking her.]
Todd: Tea? We're home. Tea? You have to wake up. Tea?
Tea (sleepily): What?
Todd: We're home. Moose is waiting inside for you.
Tea: Can't I just sleep here for awhile?
Todd: You'd be more comfortable upstairs.
[Todd leans into the car, puts his arm around Tea and pulls her forward so he can put the seat into an upright position again.]
Tea: Make love to me.
Todd: What?
Tea: You heard me.
Todd: You're sick.
Tea: I was sick the first time we made love too.
Todd: But you were on a chemo break and you felt okay. You don't feel okay now, Tea. I know you don't.
Tea (looking down): Okay.
Todd: It isn't because I don't want to.
Tea (looking back into his eyes): Do you want to?
[Todd doesn't respond but the look on his face communicates plenty to Tea.]
Tea (looking away again): I didn't think so.
Todd: We shouldn't talk about this out here. Let's go inside.
Tea: You go ahead.
Todd: Tea...
Tea: I just need a few minutes alone, okay?
Todd: Tea...
Tea (angrily): Leave me alone.
[Todd lets go of Tea and takes a few steps away from the car.]
Todd: Are you going to be able to get out by yourself.
Tea: I'll manage.
Todd: Okay.
[Todd reluctantly goes into the house. Tea instantly regrets yelling at Todd and sending him away. Tears come to her eyes as she tries to comprehend why she did it. After several minutes Tea decides to go into the house. She tries to get out of the car but discovers that she doesn't quite have enough strength to do it. She tries several times though, determined that her body will do what she wants it to.
Meanwhile, Todd is in the kitchen. He doesn't know why he's in the kitchen. He's not sure where he should be right now. He just wishes Tea would hurry up and come into the house.
The phone rings...]
Todd (into the phone): What?
Tea: Todd...
Todd: I'll be right there.
[Todd quickly rushes out of the house and to the car and finds Tea with her feet out of the car but her body still in it.]
Tea: I guess I should have check with my body before thinking I could do this alone.
[Todd helps her out of the seat and holds her up as he shuts the door.]
Tea: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I don't know why I did. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I am happy to be home. I really am.
Todd: I know. You feel lousy. You're in a bad mood. It's okay.
Tea: I'm sorry.
Todd: You already said that.
Tea: I really mean it.
Todd: Let's get inside. Do you want me to carry you again?
Tea: I want to walk. I just don't know if I can make it on my own.
Todd: I'll help you. We'll go slow, okay?
[Tea leans heavily on Todd as they move toward the house. When they get to the steps they both look at the steps and then at each other. Todd picks Tea up in his arms and carries her into the house. He puts her down near the couch and she sits down.]
Todd: Do you want something to drink?
Tea: Water.
Todd: Okay.
[Todd goes to the kitchen and returns with two small bottles of water. He opens one and hands it to Tea and then sits near her on the couch.]
Tea: Where's Moose?
Todd: He's watching television.
Tea: Anything good on?
Todd: There's some show on the Animal Planet channel that he really likes. He's watching it now.
Tea: So I guess he'll be in control of the TV from now on.
Todd: We could get another one. We could put one in our bedroom. It would give you something to do when you're lying in bed all day.
Tea: I'd rather talk to you.
Todd: Okay. (Todd pauses for a moment before deciding to just jump into the subject.) So, about what happened the last night you were here.
Tea: That can wait.
Todd (concerned): Do you feel sick? Do you want me to get you something to throw up in?
Tea: No, I'm fine.
Todd: Are you too tired. I'll take you upstairs.
Tea: It's not that either. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's okay. After my little fit outside I'm sure you're not in the mood anyway.
Todd: I don't care about that. I can't make love to you right now and you should know why. Besides, while you were in the hospital I thought a lot about it and I think I may actually be able to tell you. I've never told anyone before, Tea. I think I can tell you.
Tea: Okay.
Todd (looking toward the room Moose is in and then back at Tea): We should go upstairs where we can have some privacy.
Tea: From Moose? He's a bird, Todd.
Todd: But he's a bird who can talk.
[Todd stands up, hands Tea his bottle of water and picks her up into his arms and carries her upstairs and into their bedroom. He puts her down on the bed and closes the bedroom door.]
Todd: Why don't you get comfortable. I don't know how long it will take me to tell you this. Do you want to change your clothes?
Tea: No, this is fine.
Todd: Okay.
[Tea positions herself in the bed so she's leaning against the headboard. She watches as Todd paces in front of the bed.]
Todd: Um...(almost a minute later)...uh.
[Todd opens his mouth to speak and then closes it again unable to figure out how to start.]
Tea: Why don't you start with what triggered the memory.
Todd: You already know that.
Tea: Not really. Was it what we were doing? Being in the bathroom? In the bathtub? Water? Something I said?
Todd (looking up quickly at Tea): It wasn't you.
Tea: Then what was it?
Todd: Well, it was sort of you. (pause) It was your body. It was what I was doing to your body.
Tea: But you were okay while you were doing it, right?
Todd: I didn't think about it until after but it was what I was doing to your body that made me remember.
Tea: What did you remember?
Todd: I don't know how to start.
Tea: How old were you?
Todd: Twelve, I think.
Tea: Just tell me, Todd. Whenever you're ready just say the words. They'll come to you.
[Todd paces a little more before speaking.]
Todd: I was asleep. I was in my room asleep. I woke up. He was grabbing me, pulling me out of the bed. He woke me up like that a lot. It wasn't that bad really. He had other ways of waking me up that I hated more.
Tea: Like what?
Todd: The lighter. I hated when he woke me with the lighter.
Tea: How would he do that?
Todd: Sometimes I would wake up hearing the sound of him lighting it right by my ear but sometimes it would be the smell.
Tea: What smell?
Todd: Hair.
Tea: He lit your hair on fire?
Todd: He would take a clump of my hair and put the lighter close to it so it would singe it a little. I hated that smell. I hated waking up to that smell. After the first time he did that I started keeping water by my bed...just in case. (pause) But that night was different.
Tea: What did he do?
Todd: He pulled me into his bedroom. He sat me in a chair by the door facing his bed. He was wearing a robe. He took it off. He wasn't wearing anything underneath it. He got into his bed. There was a woman there. She was naked too. He started doing stuff to her. She kept looking at me and smiling at me. I don't know if she was drunk or on drugs or if she just got off on it but she had kind of a weird look in her eyes and she kept watching me. He's doing all this stuff to her and she's watching me. After a little while she said something about how it didn't seem right that I was dressed and they weren't. My father looked up from what he was doing and looked at me for a second and then went back to what he was doing. I knew what he expected. I knew...I knew...
Tea: What did you know?
Todd (looking at Tea for the first time since he started telling her): I knew. I didn't have a choice. (looking away from Tea again) I took my pajamas off. I took everything off. I started to sit back down in the chair again but she...the woman...I never knew what her name was...she told me to come and sit on the bed next to her. I didn't want to. I didn't even want to be there. I didn't want to be naked. I sure as hell didn't want to be on that bed with them but I knew what would happen if I didn't do it. So I did it. I sat down on the bed and she started touching me. I hated it. She wasn't...she wasn't touching any...uh...private areas. She just touched my back and my hair but I wanted her to stop. I really wanted her to stop. I was trying hard not to look at what my father was doing to her. I could hear it but I didn't want to look. At one point, though, she put her hand on my head and pulled it down toward her chest so my face was facing...what he was doing.
[Even from the distance Tea is from Todd she can see his body involuntarily shudder from the memory.]
Tea: Todd, you can stop if you want to.
Todd: My father...he...uh...he...he...removed himself...and...uh...he...um...he reentered her in a different place.
[Todd looks at Tea seeking affirmation that she knows what he's referring to.]
Tea: I understand.
Todd: She started making these noises and she was rubbing my back a lot more. Then she told me to...
[Todd stops pacing and stands still. He stares straight ahead at the wall.]
Tea: You can stop, Todd.
[Todd feels himself having difficulty breathing.]
Tea: Let's take a break, Todd, okay? You can finish telling me later, if you want to.
Todd: She wanted me to...
Tea (sensing that he doesn't want to stop but that he needs her help to continue): What did she want you to do to her, Todd?
Todd: To touch her.
Tea: Where did she want you to touch her?
Todd: Where my father had just been.
Tea: Did you?
[Todd walks across the room and sits on the floor, where Tea can still see him, and leans his back against the wall.]
Todd: I had to. I didn't have a choice. She wanted me to do stuff to her chest too so I did. She was saying really weird stuff to me. She was pretending I was her kid. She was calling me her son and telling me what to do and how it made her feel. After awhile my father...he finished so I thought it would be over. I wanted it to be over.
Tea: Was it over?
Todd: No.
Tea: What happened?
Todd: He pulled...he stopped what he was doing and as he got off the bed he said that it was my turn. I looked up at him not really understanding. He pointed at...um...where he had been and told me again that it was my turn.
Tea: What did you do?
Todd: I didn't know what to do. I mean, I understood what I was supposed to do but I didn't want to do it. Not like that and not in front of him. And, I really didn't want to do it with that woman. It didn't feel right. (looking at Tea) You keep saying that what we do isn't dirty and disgusting but that was and I knew it and I didn't want to do it.
Tea: What happened next?
Todd: I just sat there. My father took another drink and sat down in the chair I had been in. He told me to hurry up. The woman she started saying stuff to me...really dirty stuff and she started touching my chest and then she moved her hand lower. My body, it didn't want to be there either. She made some joke about it, said that she'd have to take care of it. Before I even realized what she was doing she...it...
Tea: What?
Todd: Her mouth...
Tea: Oh.
Todd: I didn't want it. I swear I didn't want it. I couldn't help it, though.
Tea: What?
Todd: I guess everyone's right - I am a pervert.
Tea: Why? (long pause) Why, Todd?
Todd (looking away and speaking softly): I liked it.
Tea: That's okay.
Todd (not believing her): Yeah, right.
Tea: It is, Todd. (knowing from his body language that he doesn't believe her) It's a natural reaction. It's a normal physical reaction.
[Tea can tell that he still doesn't believe her. She slowly gets out of the bed and brings her body down to the floor and moves toward him. When she's close enough to touch him she stops.]
Tea: What she was doing to you is something that feels good, Todd. If it didn't people wouldn't do it. But they do, don't they? They do it because if feels good.
[Tea takes a chance and puts her hand on his face. He allows her to turn his face toward her.]
Tea: It's normal for it to fell good, Todd.
Todd: But not in that situation it shouldn't have.
Tea: It doesn't matter what situation you were in. It doesn't make it your fault because it felt good. It doesn't take away from how wrong they were to have sex in front of you. It doesn't change the fact that you were raped that night.
Todd (shocked): I wasn't raped.
Tea: Weren't you?
Todd: No. Not that night. He didn't touch me that night.
Tea: Did you have sex with that woman?
Todd (dropping eye contact): Yes.
Tea: Did you want to have sex with her? Did you have a choice about it?
Todd: That doesn't matter. It felt good and besides she was a woman. It was totally different.
Tea: Women are just as capable as men of forcing someone to have sex against their will. If you didn't want to have sex and you were made to feel forced then it wasn't consensual and it was rape.
Todd: But it felt...
Tea: It doesn't matter if it felt good either. What if one of the women you raped...what if while you were raping her your body did something to her body that felt good, even for a second? What if, even though she didn't want to have sex with you and she was fighting you, what if something you did felt physically good? Would that mean that you hadn't raped her? Would that mean that even though she didn't want to have sex with you it was now consenual because her body reacted to physical stimulation?
Todd: Of course not.
Tea: How is that different from what happened to you?
Todd: It just is.
Tea: No, it isn't. You didn't want to have sex but you didn't have a choice. That's rape. And, even if you had wanted to have sex, even if you had initiated that sex, it still would have been wrong and illegal because you were to young to consent to what happened in that room that night. They were adults and you were a kid and they never should have done what they did to you that night.
Todd: But...
Tea: Trust me, Todd, it doesn't matter how it physically felt. It doesn't make it your fault. After it started feeling good did you want to have sex?
Todd: Not with her. Not with him watching.
Tea: Todd...
Todd: Can we stop now? I told you. Now you know. I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Tea: Okay. Maybe you should lie down for awhile. You look exhausted.
Todd: I don't know.
Tea: You can have the bed to yourself, okay? I want to spend some time on the computer anyway. Unless you want me to stay. I will if you want me to.
Todd: That's okay. I need to take a shower first though.
Tea: Okay. I'll be in my office if you need me.
Todd: Do you need help? We should have brought a wheelchair home with us.
Tea: I think I can make it to my office. Luckily there aren't any stair along the way. Are you sure you'll be okay alone?
Todd: I won't hurt myself.
Tea (gently touching his hair): I love you, Todd.
[Todd doesn't respond. He just looks at Tea for a moment and then stands up and walks into the bathroom. Tea slowly gets up and goes to her office.]
chapter 39:
[Hours later, Tea is in her office and still on the computer. Todd enters.]
Todd: Tea?
[Tea turns and looks at Todd in the doorway.]
Tea: Your hair is still wet. Did you just get out of the shower?
Todd: No....well...I took another one.
Tea: I see.
Todd: You haven't eaten yet, have you?
Tea: No. I kind of got caught up in what I'm doing.
Todd (moving closer to her and looking at the computer screen): What are you doing?
Tea: When I was in the hospital one of the nurses recommended this web site to me. It has information about cancer and cancer treatments like the other sites that I've looked at before but this one also has a message board and a chat room so people with cancer can talk to each other.
Todd: You don't have to talk to strangers. You can talk to me.
Tea (looking up at Todd): I know that I can but this is different. These people know what it's like, how I feel. I've been reading through some of the messages and I swear a few of these people could be me. The way they describe it is the way that I feel. Maybe I'll put up my own message. It might be good to have people to talk to who are going through the same thing.
Todd: But if you have me why do you need them?
Tea: It wouldn't take away from what we have, from how much I need you. It would just be another source of support for me, okay? I would still need you. I'll always need you.
Todd: Okay. I still don't understand, though.
Tea: You know, Todd, there's probably a place like this that might help you.
Todd: Help me with what?
Tea: Your childhood.
Todd (laughing in disbelief): Yeah, right!
Tea: Todd, there are online support groups for all kinds of things. I know you wouldn't be comfortable being in a support group that met face to face but this is anonymous. You can make up a name and no one would know who you really are. You could talk to other people who have been through what you've been through.
Todd: No one else has been through what I've been through.
Tea: Unfortunately that's not true. There are other people out there who were also severely abused as children. Maybe through the internet you could connect with other survivors. Maybe it would help you to talk to people who understand what it's like for you.
Todd: No one else could understand. No one. Even what happened to Viki isn't the same.
Tea: Why don't you just try it, okay? Go get your chair from your office.
Todd: Tea, this is stupid. We should go downstairs and eat not be messing around with the computer.
Tea: Okay, you go downstairs and get us something to eat and I'll stay here and look for a site for you. (looking up at Todd) Just try this, okay? I think it could be good for you. If you don't like it then I won't ask you to try it again.
Todd (begrudgingly): Fine. I don't know why I always let you have your way.
Tea: Because you love me.
Todd: I never should have let my guard down around you.
Tea: Well, you did so you're stuck with me. You can't stop loving me now.
Todd: I won't make that mistake ever again with anyone else.
Tea: Hey, it hasn't been that bad, has it?
[Todd grunts. Tea interprets that to mean that he's happy they're together.]
Todd: Anything in particular you want to eat?
Tea: Something that won't make me sick.
Todd: That doesn't help me.
Tea: Whatever you want. Nothing is going to appeal to me anyway.
[Todd goes to the kitchen. When he returns upstairs he stops in his office and gets his chair and pulls it into Tea's office.]
Todd (moving his chair near Tea's and sitting down): Have you given up yet?
Tea: Actually, I've found several sites. Some I don't know if you'd be comfortable with.
Todd: Why?
Tea: Some are for both men and women. I'm assuming that you'd be more comfortable with an site just for men.
Todd: I'd be more comfortable if we weren't doing this at all.
Tea: Todd, I just want you to try this, that's all. If it's not for you that's okay. You need to do something. You won't see a therapist. You won't join a support group that meets in person. Just give this a try. It won't change anything. You can still tell me anything that you want to. This will just be another way for you to get through this.
Todd: Do you think they talk about the details?
Tea: Well, when I was looking at the cancer board some of the messages where details about that particular person's cancer or treatment but some were not about cancer at all. I assume that after communicating for a while people must get to know each other and it becomes like a friendship where you share more than just what brought you to that site in the first place.
Todd: I don't want people knowing my stuff.
Tea: I know. Look, you decide what they know and what they don't know and it's all anonymous anyway. You don't even have to put your own message up. You can just read what other people wrote.
Todd: Why would I want to do that? I don't know them. I don't care about them.
Tea: I just want you to see that you're not alone.
Todd: I have you.
Tea: Yes, you do but there are also other people out there who had similar childhoods. Just try this, okay?
Todd: Okay, I'll try it but it won't work. It won't fix anything for me.
Tea: Would you like me to leave you alone. I could go and eat in the bedroom.
Todd: You'd be more comfortable in there.
Tea: Okay.
[Tea tentatively kisses Todd on the cheek, picks up her food and slowly leaves the room. Todd sits staring at the computer screen for a few minutes. Even though he thinks it's stupid and a waste of time he eventually opens one of the messages and starts reading.
More than an hour later, Tea can't take not knowing what's happening anymore and begins to make her way back to her office. When she enters the doorway she sees Todd staring at the computer. She moves closer and looks at what's on the screen. She reads the first sentence of what's written on the screen and knows instantly that Todd wrote it. She notices that the cursor is poised over the button that will post his message on the message board.]
Tea: Todd? (he doesn't respond) Todd? Are you okay?
[Todd still doesn't respond. Tea sits down in her chair and brings her hand up to his face. He turns to look at her suddenly realizing that she's in the room with him.]
Tea (looking back at the screen): Do you want to put what you wrote on the message board?
[Todd looks away from Tea and back to the computer screen.]
Todd (in a daze): Is it any good? Does it make sense?
Tea: I don't know. I haven't read it.
Todd: Read it.
Tea: Are you sure?
Todd: I don't want to do it if it's stupid.
Tea: I'm sure it's fine, Todd.
Todd: You read it. You decide if it's okay.
Tea: Todd, if you want to put your message on the board then just do it. Hit the button and do it.
Todd: You read it. If you want to then you put it up. I'm going to bed.
[Todd gets up and leaves the room. Tea's eyes follow him until he disappears into the hallway. When she looks back at the computer screen she settles into her chair and starts reading.]
*******************************************************************************************************
Todd's message:
This is stupid. I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know why any of you do this. Talking about this stuff doesn't make it go away it just makes you think about it more. Okay, I think about it all the time anyway but talking about it makes it worse. My wife wants me to do this though. She thinks it would help me if there were other people I could talk to who know what it's like. I don't think that anyone exists that could understand. Okay, I've read some of what other people have written here and maybe some of you could understand a little of it. I don't know.
I don't want to describe what happened to me when I was a kid. I don't want to think about it. I don't want it to have happened. It did but it's not really important. I survived. I survived pretty well too, most of the time. Sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes it's impossible.
I've been telling my wife some of the stuff that happened and she's pretty good about it. I mean, she cries a lot when I tell her stuff. Well, really, she cries a lot anyway. That's just how she is. It's weird. I kind of like it when she cries when I tell her stuff. I mean, I don't like that it hurts her but there's something about the way it feels when I look up at her and I see that look in her eyes.
She keeps telling me that I'm not disgusting. When I look in her eyes I see it. She tells me so much with her eyes. I tell her stuff and even when it's really gross she doesn't think I'm gross because it happened to me. She doesn't blame me. She doesn't look at me differently. After, the next day or weeks later, she looks at me the same as she always has. She doesn't pretend that it didn't happen but it doesn't change how she looks at me either.
When she cries, when I'm telling her things, it's so weird because, I don't know, maybe it sounds stupid but it's almost like she's there with me in that moment. Like, when I'm telling her my mind goes back there and she goes with me. I hate taking her there. I would never want her to go there. She's special. She doesn't belong there. She wants to go there with me though. She tells me that she doesn't want me to be alone with all this garbage inside me anymore. So...I tell her. I tell her a lot of it. She always understands. Sometimes the words are hard for me and she knows how to make them come out of me. When I'm done telling her and I look in those eyes I don't feel alone like I normally do or like I did when I was a kid.
When I was a kid I was alone. I felt so completely alone most of the time. The people who could have been there for me, who should have been there for me, weren't there. I had to go through all of it alone. I had to figure out how to get through it alone. When I tell my wife about things that happened I go back there again in my mind and it hurts like hell just like it did when I was a kid but now it's different. When I look in her eyes it's so different. Sometimes I wish I could crawl inside that look in her eyes. It just seems so safe there.
When she cries, when I see those tears in her eyes, it's like she sees me, not just the me that I am now but the me that I was when all that stuff happened to me. She sees me being hurt and it hurts her and I know that she wants to make it stop. I know that if she could she would make it stop. She can't but she would. People didn't cry for me when I was a kid. People didn't care. They didn't stop it. When I tell my wife she sees me being hurt and she cries for me. She actually cries for me like I'm somebody worth crying for, worth caring about. She cares about me way more than I care about myself, I know that. She sees this stuff inside of me that I don't see. Something that's not completely horrible. Something not entirely disgusting.
She sees me. She sees all of me. She sees the real me, and she wants to be with me. She goes to this dark place with me and when we come back out she still wants to be with me. She still loves me. That's amazing. She sees me and she isn't disgusted by me. She keeps trying to show me what she sees when she looks at me. I don't think I'll ever see what she sees but I believe her when she tells me that she sees it. I trust her.
I don't know why I'm telling any of you about my wife. I don't know why I'm telling any of you anything. I don't know why I'm doing this. My wife thought it would be a good idea. My wife is really smart and she's usually right about stuff, well, most of the time.
I don't know. I don't really have anything to say. Nothing that anyone would care about anyway. I don't know. I knew this was a stupid idea.
*******************************************************************************************************
[Tea stares at the computer as her vision blurs from the tears overflowing her eyes. She reaches for a tissue and wipes her eyes. After she can see again she checks to make sure Todd didn't include his real name because she knows he would regret that. When she sees that he chose an alias she positions the cursor and sends Todd's message. She exits the message board but quickly goes back in. She sees Todd's message, clicks on it and prints out a copy. She exits the message board again, makes sure the location of the site is saved on her web browser, exits the internet and shuts down her computer. She hides the copy of Todd's message in her filing cabinet, turns off the light, leaves her office and heads toward the bedroom, toward her husband.]
chapter 40:
[Tea enters the master bedroom expecting Todd to be in bed and is surprised to find the bed empty. She checks the bathroom but doesn't find him there. She walks back into the bedroom, through the sitting area and out onto the balcony.
Todd is sitting in a corner of the balcony with his head resting on the railing. His eyes are closed. She isn't sure if he's awake or asleep. She goes back into the house and returns a moment later with a blanket. She unfolds the blanket and covers Todd's body with it. Before she even fully realizes what she's doing her hand touches his hair and strokes it gently. Todd doesn't respond. Tea slowly walks back toward the house.]
Todd (quietly): Stay.
[Tea turns back around and looks at Todd's face illuminated gently by the light escaping the bedroom.]
Tea: Are you awake?
Todd: Yeah.
Tea: I'll be right back.
[Tea leaves the balcony and returns moments later with a pillow. She sits down next to Todd and takes possession of half the blanket.]
Tea: Do you want to share my pillow?
Todd: Pillows are for girls.
[Tea settles her head comfortably on Todd's shoulder.]
Todd: I thought you had a pillow?
Tea: I'm using it for my back.
Todd (finally opening his eyes and looking at her): You should be inside using the bed. This isn't comfortable.
Tea: You asked me to stay, remember?
Todd: We can go inside.
Tea: This is fine, Todd. Is this okay? Is it all right for me to have my head on your shoulder?
Todd: I guess.
Tea: Good.
Todd: Okay.
Tea: Are we spending the whole night out here?
Todd: We'll go inside, okay?
Tea: We can stay out here. I just asked because I want to know if I should try to fall asleep or not. Do you want to talk?
Todd: No.
Tea: Okay, we don't have to. We could just sleep. Or, in my case try to.
Todd: You don't feel well?
Tea: I haven't felt well in a long time.
Todd: You know what I mean.
Tea: It's manageable, for now. Dinner's still inside me but I know it will have to exit sometime and I know it won't be pleasant.
Todd (uncomfortable): We're not talking vomit here, are we?
Tea: No.
Todd: Does it hurt?
Tea: Not much. Not yet, anyway.
Todd: What can I do?
Tea: Nothing. This is one side effect I'm on my own with. I don't think either of us would be comfortable with you being present for this one.
Todd: Well, I know I wouldn't be. If you needed me though...
Tea: Believe me, Todd, I'd rather be alone for this one.
Todd: Good. (adding quickly) I mean...
Tea (interrupting): Don't worry, Todd. I understand.
Todd: Okay.
Tea: How do you feel?
Todd: I'm not the one who's sick. (pause) I don't know. I don't know how to describe how this feels.
Tea: Well, I read what you wrote...
Todd (quickly interrupting): I don't want to talk about that.
Tea: Okay.
[Tea starts moving around in discomfort as her stomach starts feeling worse. Tea pushes her head tighter against Todd's shoulder.]
Todd: What's wrong?
Tea: Nothing.
Todd: Is it your stomach?
Tea: It's okay.
[Todd turns slightly and reaches his hand out for her stomach and finds her hand already there.
Todd studies her face in the dim light and sees that she's in pain.]
Todd: Do you want me to call your doctor?
Tea: It's not that bad.
Todd: Don't lie to me.
Tea: Okay, it's bad but I can handle it. It's not like I really have a choice.
Todd: I could call the doctor.
Tea: There's no point.
Todd: Let's go back inside.
Tea: No.
Todd: Tea...
Tea: I want to stay out here. If you need to be out here then I want to be out here too unless you need to be alone.
Todd: Okay, I need to be alone. Go inside.
Tea: I don't believe you.
Todd: Why would I lie?
Tea: Because you think I'd be more comfortable inside.
Todd: Just go inside, Tea.
Tea: Will you come with me? (Todd doesn't respond) I'm not going anywhere. I'll feel better if I stay out here with you, I promise.
Todd: Why are you so stubborn?
Tea: Why are you?
[Todd gives up and leans back against the balcony railing. He keeps his hand on top of her hand on her stomach but is careful not to put any pressure on her body.
They both recline there for awhile until the discomfort becomes too unbearable for Tea.]
Tea (in a panicked tone): Help me up.
Todd: Are you all right?
Tea (raising her voice slightly): Just help me. Don't ask questions.
[Todd quickly tosses the blanket aside and helps Tea to her feet. Tea starts rapidly shuffling across the balcony toward the house as Todd helps her.]
Tea (knowing she needs to get to the bathroom faster than she can walk): Carry me.
Todd: Are you sure?
Tea (loudly): Just do it!
[Todd picks her up and quickly carries her to the bathroom.]
Tea (as Todd sets her feet back on the floor): Now get out.
[Todd quickly turns and leaves.
Later...much later...
Tea finds Todd downstairs watching television.]
Tea: Todd?
Todd (turning toward the sound of her voice): Are you okay? You didn't have to come down here. I would have come upstairs if I had known you were done. You are done, aren't you?
Tea: For now.
[Tea tentatively takes a seat in her recliner.]
Tea: What are you watching?
Todd: I don't know. Nothing really. I was just flipping through the channels.
Tea (looking around): Where's Moose?
Todd: He went to his room awhile ago. I don't think he liked me being down here. I think he thinks this is his own private room.
Tea: Well, I'm sure you set him straight.
Todd: We had a little discussion. Okay, it was kind of a fight. Okay, he stormed off to his room angry at me.
Tea: Did he demand to be taken back to Viki's?
Todd: You really want him out of here, don't you?
Tea: Yes.
Todd: You could have lied.
Tea: I don't feel much like doing that these days. I spent a lot of time lying while you were gone.
Todd: Who did you lie to?
Tea: Everyone, including myself.
[Todd looks at Tea. She's curled up on the chair. He can tell that she still feels horrible. He wishes that he could do something to make her feel better.]
Tea (looking up at him): Could I sit with you?
Todd: Huh?
Tea (looking away again): Never mind.
Todd: Why would you want to do that?
Tea: I don't know. It seemed like a good idea.
Todd: You should probably drink something. You don't want to get dehydrated.
Tea: I am not putting anything into my body every again.
[Todd goes to the bar and brings back a small bottle of water. He places it on the table between the two recliners.]
Tea (defiantly): I'm not drinking that.
Todd: Yes, you are.
Tea: Make me!
Todd: Okay.
[Todd reaches his arms under her body and lifts her up. He turns his body around and sits down in her chair and sets her into his lap.]
Tea: You think this will make me drink?
Todd: It better or I'm dumping you on the floor.
Tea: You wouldn't.
Todd: You don't know that.
Tea: Will you share it with me?
Todd: I'm not the one who needs it.
[Tea picks up the bottle and tries opening it but doesn't have the strength to break the seal on the cap. Todd takes the bottle from her and easily opens it. When he hands her back the bottle she takes a sip and puts the bottle back on the table.]
Todd: That's not enough.
Tea: I'll have some more in a minute.
[Tea snuggles her body against Todd's body.]
Todd (uncomfortable): What are you doing?
Tea: Getting comfortable. (pulling her head back to look at him) Is this okay? Are you okay?
Todd: If you don't make me think about it too much I'll be fine.
[Tea lays her head back down on his shoulder.]
Tea: I hate this.
Todd: I thought you wanted this?
Tea: Not you holding me. I hate the way I feel.
Todd: How do you feel?
Tea: The word hell describes it pretty well.
Todd: Did...uh...did you do what...um...you needed to do upstairs?
Tea: Do you actually want me to tell you?
Todd: No. (pause) Did you?
Tea: Some.
Todd: It's not over yet?
Tea: I wish it were.
[After a few minutes, Tea begins softly crying into Todd's shoulder.]
Todd (as he gently strokes her arm): It's okay, Tea. It won't feel like this forever.
Tea (quietly): Why is my body attacking me?
Todd: It's a good thing, right? It means the chemotherapy is working. It's doing what it's supposed to do.
Tea: Making death seem preferable?
Todd: Don't say that.
Tea: That's what it feels like right now. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
Todd: You're strong. You'll deal with it for as long as you have to. You're one of the toughest people I know, Tea. No little cancer thing is going to win against you.
Tea: I don't feel very strong right now.
Todd: You wouldn't be able to put up with me if you weren't incredibly strong. I bet...I bet if I were trapped under a car you would lift the thing up and pull me out.
Tea: I would try. You wouldn't be very useful to me under a car.
Todd: I'm not very useful anyway.
Tea: Yes, you are.
Todd: How...how am I useful to you?
Tea: You're getting me through this moment by trying to distract me with this conversation.
Todd: What makes you think I'm doing that? You know, I'm not a very nice person, ask anyone. I don't do anything that isn't selfish. (softly) I need you to be okay, Tea. (long pause) Tea?
[Todd realizes that Tea fell asleep. He carries her up to bed. He gets into the bed with her and watches her sleep for hours until his own body's need for sleep overtakes him.]
to be continued...
