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| IN SICKNESS BY TIMA |
CHAPTERS 31 - 35 |
PREVIOUSLY...
[Tea reaches her arms around Todd and pulls him down more heavily onto her body. Todd places both of his arms under Tea's body and holds her. After several moments Tea's thinking capability returns and she senses something in the way that Todd is holding her that scares her.]
Tea (as her hand moves up to caress his hair): Todd? Are you okay?
[Todd doesn't respond. He just continues to hold her tightly, his head buried in her neck.]
Tea: Tell me what's wrong. (pause) Please don't be upset about this. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't hurt me. It felt great. (pause) I'm sorry if I lost control and went too far. I didn't mean to. (pause) Todd?
[Todd lets go of Tea's body and awkwardly climbs out of the tub without looking directly at her. Tea is left alone, stunned and emotionally hurt, in the bathtub as Todd wordlessly leaves the room.]
***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
chapter 31:
Tea, still in the bathtub, folds her arms across her chest in discomfort as her mind vacillates between anger at Todd for walking out on her immediately after such an intimate moment and concern for what scared him away. She doesn't think it would be a good idea to follow him so she stays were she is.
As she reclines in the tub filled with quickly cooling water she is painfully brought back to reality. She is seriously ill, maybe dying. She is married to Todd Manning, who has been, in most of the time she has known him, incapable of having an intimate moment with her without immediately having a crisis. Although he left the room without saying anything she trusts that he won't leave her, that he'll stay with her to help her while she's sick but she doesn't know if he'll ever allow them to be intimately close again. This thought causes a pain to radiate through her chest. She has always been willing to give him time...time to deal with his past, time to trust her with himself. Now, though, she doesn't know how much time they have and the thought of never being able to touch him again, of never feeling him touch or hold her again, feels worse than the side effects from the chemotherapy.
In the past when they lived together, before Todd would admit their marriage had become real, it was difficult for her when she wanted to touch him, to kiss him, to spend the night in his arms. When she would reach out to him with a physical need he would push her away. It hurt her but she handled it. Okay, she cried herself to sleep some nights but she got through it. This, though, Tea knows will hurt so much more. She knows what it's like now to be physically connected to Todd. She knows what it's like to drift into sleep feeling Todd's hand gently caressing her skin. She now knows what it's like to wake up and have her first sensation of the day be of his body pressed against hers.
Lying naked in the bathtub Tea's tears start to fall as she questions if she'll ever have that feeling again or if she'll have to spend the rest of her life feeling as lonely as she does at this moment.
Downstairs, in the living room, Todd paces. He's fully dressed now in several layers of clothing but he still feels exposed...uncovered...vulnerable. As he paces he closes his eyes trying to make the images from long ago leave, go away, stop torturing him but the images defiantly and vividly play for him. He quickly opens his eyes but it's still playing as if he's back in that moment, back in his father's bedroom. He recalls those old feelings as they again overtake him, threatening to drown him in the emotional pain that is ripping through his body, pain worse than any of the physical torture he's had to endure in his life.
Todd tries desperately to clear his head, to see past the disgusting images his mind is tormenting him with. He wishes he hadn't been stupid enough to have previously thrown all the bottles of alcohol in the house against the wall or that he had at least taken the time to stock up again. He had been so concerned about Tea he hadn't thought about it. Tea...his mind returns to his wife. Upstairs...bathtub...naked. A panic rises through him. He didn't mean to do that, to leave her like that. He didn't want to hurt her but he knows instantly that he did. He knows that she's upstairs right now remembering a different pain from her own past. He thinks about how weak her body is right now. He thinks of her trying to get out of the tub on her own...falling...hurting herself. Suddenly, the horrible images he's been watching for more minutes than he realizes stop playing. His vision is clear now as he rushes up the stairs and toward their bedroom.
As he enters the bathroom he stops. He's glad to see that she's still in the bathtub, she's not lying on the floor in pain. His relief is nonexistent, though, as he watches her cry. Her whole body shakes. The sound of her sobs echo in his ears as tears come to his own eyes. He tries to hold them back, to make them stop, but they refuse to cooperate and begin to fall down his cheeks. A part of him wants to leave, to hide. She hasn't seen him yet, she wouldn't have to know that he's crying too. He can't do it, though. He can't move except toward her.
He kneels down next to the tub and reaches out to her. As Tea feels his hand touch her she cries even harder and tries to turn away from him. This, of course, makes Todd hurt even more but it also makes him more determined to stop the pain he caused her by walking out on her. He reaches his arms around her and effortlessly pulls her body toward him. Tea doesn't resist. She allows herself to be pulled into his embrace as she turns her face toward him and buries it in his chest. After several minutes and after the tears have subsided for both of them Todd pulls away from their embrace, stands up, leans over the tub and picks Tea up in his arms and carries her out of the bathroom.
In the bedroom, Todd gently seats Tea on the edge of the bed. He goes back into the bathroom and gets a towel. He returns to the bedroom and dries off Tea's shaking body. Neither of them attempts to make eye contact with the other. When Todd feels that she's dry enough he tosses the towel on the floor and pulls down the covers on the bed. He expects Tea to lay down but she doesn't move. He's afraid to speak to her, afraid of what she might say to him, afraid of what she must think and feel about him in this moment.
Todd moves in front of Tea, lifts her body, pulls the covers out of the way from where she was sitting and sets her body back down again this time laying her body out on the bed. He covers her shivering body with all of the covers then moves around to the other side of the bed.
Tea's head is turned away from Todd and her mind is so distant she doesn't hear his movements and is completely shocked when she feels his body move next to hers on the bed, his flesh against her flesh.
Tea doesn't know what to do. After what happened she has the urge to pull away from Todd, to distance herself. She knows, though, that for Todd to take his clothes off in this moment, for him to be completely naked with her, is a very important step for him. She knows that it isn't something that he did easily and to pull away now would hurt him deeply. She wants to comfort him and she wants to hurt him. She wants him to hold her and she wants him to leave her alone.
As she contemplates her options she becomes aware, excruciatingly aware, of Todd's body next to her. She feels every part of him that is pressed against her. Todd's arm is across her stomach, his forehead against her cheek, his stomach and chest against her side. When his legs entwine with hers she knows that her option of pulling away has passed. Her hand reaches up to caress his face and smooth his hair. She turns her head and kisses him lightly on the forehead.
Todd feels her lips against his skin and presses his body more tightly against hers. She moves her head and he buries his face in her neck. Her hand moves down and begins caressing the arm he has draped across her. She tries to soothe him with her touch and is successful as Todd starts to fall asleep. In the process, Tea soothes herself and also falls asleep.
Neither of them sleeps in peace, though. They both are haunted by nightmares, past hurts, insecurities. Images evoking emotional distress plague them both as they sleep.
The next morning, Tea awakens first. She's surprised when she wakes up and finds Todd's naked body next to her. In the time they've been together they have never spent the night completely without clothing. Even when they made love, Todd put clothing on shortly after they finished, at least on his lower body. Even though Tea would have been comfortable sleeping with nothing on she sensed that Todd would have a difficult time with that so she always put something on too.
Tea's also surprised that Todd is actually sleeping. When she first moved into their house with him he slept a lot. Maybe it was his body catching up on all of the sleepless nights he had spent while they were apart. As she got sicker, though, he started sleeping less and less. Although he did sleep some he almost always fell asleep after Tea did and woke up before she did. Sometimes he would lay with her for hours watching over her while she slept but this time it is Tea who watches over Todd.
Tea places her hand on top of Todd's hand on her stomach as her mind questions what caused him to leave the bathtub so suddenly the night before. Although she knows that it could have been something from his first marriage or another adult relationship she feels certain that it was something from his childhood. She wonders if it was what they were doing that triggered his response or if it was being in the bathtub, maybe his father had done something to him in the bathtub when he was a kid. She remembers Todd having told her previously that his father did abusive things to him in every part of the house, he must have also tortured Todd in the bathroom, Tea realizes.
What did that bastard do to him in the bathroom? Was it only physical abuse or could it have also been sexual? Is that why Todd reacted the way he did? Was he remembering something his father did to him in the bathtub?
Tea's mind throws horrible, disturbing images at her of what could have happened to Todd at the hands of his father. She doesn't want to think about it, to imagine the possibilities, but she feels like she has to. If Todd can survive the reality every second of every day then she can certainly handle knowing about it too. She wonders though if Todd will be able, or even want, to tell her. Maybe when he wakes up he'll pretend it didn't happen. A part of Tea wants this because it hurts her so much when he tells her about his childhood. She feels his pain so strongly it becomes her pain too. She also isn't sure if she'll be able to keep her anger away if they discuss his walking out on her and leaving her naked and alone.
As Tea absentmindedly strokes Todd's hand he suddenly jerks awake. He's startled to feel himself naked next to Tea. He quickly pulls away from her as his brain tries to register what happened and why he isn't wearing any clothing. Within seconds he remembers the previous night. When he looks at Tea's eyes he sees that he hurt her again by pulling so quickly away from her. The night before he had hoped that they could avoid talking about what happened but now he knows he'll have no choice he'll have to tell her, to make her understand.
chapter 32:
[Tea turns her head away from Todd commanding herself not to cry. She tries to convince herself not to take his physically pulling away from her personally but she can't help it.]
Todd: Uh, sorry. I think I was having a weird dream or something.
Tea (trying to control her voice): About what?
Todd: I don't know. I don't remember.
[Tea doesn't respond, afraid that her anger will unleash itself if she doesn't carefully control what she says.]
Todd (looking at the clock): Uh, we don't have to go to the hospital for a couple of hours you could go back to sleep if you want to.
Tea: I'd rather not.
Todd: You need as much rest as you can get. Don't worry I'll wake you up in time.
Tea: I don't feel like it.
Todd: Just for a little...
Tea (angrily): I said no!
[Todd is startled by her response but not surprised that she's angry at him. He expected it.]
Todd: Okay, you don't have to sleep. Do you want something to eat?
Tea: Not right now.
Todd (hesitantly): Do you...do you...uh...want to talk...about...um...last night?
Tea: Why bother?
Todd: I don't blame you for being angry.
Tea: Good.
Todd: I never should have done that. I never should have asked you. I won't treat you like that again.
Tea: Like what?
Todd: You know. I just won't, okay?
Tea: Todd, what are you referring to?
Todd: You know.
Tea: No, I don't know. I need you to tell me.
Todd: Um...what I did...I won't touch you like that again.
Tea: Todd, are you talking about what we did in the bathtub? If you are, you made me feel...
Todd: I know how I made you feel and I won't do it again, okay? I promise.
Tea: You didn't hurt me when you were touching me. You didn't do anything I didn't want you to do.
Todd: You don't have to say that.
Tea: Todd, pay attention to what I'm saying. I wanted you to touch me that way. I wanted you to make me feel the way you made me feel. It was incredible...exciting...very pleasurable. And when it was over...
Todd: When it was over it felt different, I understand. I won't touch you like that again.
Tea: When it was over I wanted you to touch me like that again. I still do, although, not right now because I'm angry at you and I'm also scared for you but sometime in the future I hope you'll touch me like that again.
Todd: You want that...again?
Tea: Yes. Todd, I'm not angry at how you touched me. I'm not embarrassed about it and you shouldn't be either. There was nothing wrong with what we did, nothing at all. I'm angry because after, when we were holding each other... I'm angry because you got up and left me there without saying anything. That hurt me.
Todd: It wasn't exactly painless for me.
Tea: I know that. I know that something happened and if you want to we can talk about it. I'll listen, Todd. I hope you know that. I want to make it clear, though, that no matter how much you're hurting it isn't okay for you to hurt me. When I'm hurting and I lash out at you it's wrong. When you're hurting and you do something that you know will hurt me that's wrong too. We have to stop doing that. We have to find a way to deal with our pain so we don't keep inflicting it on each other.
Todd: I didn't have a choice, Tea. I had to get out of there. I couldn't stay, not like that.
Tea: Like what? What happened?
[Todd looks down and doesn't respond as he desperately wishes he were wearing clothing.]
Tea: Do you want to get dressed?
Todd (wondering if she can read his thoughts): Um...
Tea: It's okay if you do. I know you're not comfortable when you're not dressed. I could close my eyes if you want to get up and put something on.
Todd: You'd be okay with that?
Tea: Of course.
[Todd lays down on this back and stares at the ceiling.]
Todd: What would a normal guy do?
Tea: Normal? Since when do you want to be normal?
Todd: You don't need this right now. You don't need me making things difficult. You should be putting all your energy into getting better not trying to figure me out.
Tea: I don't think I'll ever figure you out, not completely. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I like that your such a mystery to me at times.
Todd: Did you like it last night?
Tea: Todd, I understand if you don't want to tell me what happened. You don't have to. You didn't have to tell me last night either. What I wanted...what I needed was for you to let me know that there was something wrong.
Todd: I thought that was pretty obvious.
Tea: You could have told me. You could have said that you were dealing with something difficult and that you needed some time to yourself.
Todd (turning his head to look at her): You would have been okay with that?
Tea: Of course. I would have preferred that you stay with me, that you let me help you through whatever the problem was but I would have understood if you needed time alone. What hurt me was that you didn't say anything, you just left.
Todd: Did you think I wouldn't come back?
Tea: I trusted that you would but...
Todd: What?
Tea: I wasn't sure what that would mean. I still don't know what that means. If you're not ready to tell me what happened that's okay. Really it is. Could you tell me, though, how I'm supposed to handle this?
Todd: What do you mean?
Tea (looking away): You're uncomfortable being with me sexually. I know there are reasons for that. If you need time to deal with things then I'll give you that time. I'll try not to pressure you.
Todd (looking at the ceiling again): It isn't you.
Tea: The times when we've...well, you seemed like it was okay for you.
Todd: It doesn't have anything to do with you. Well, it sort of does but not that way.
Tea: Then how?
Todd: It's been different with you. There are reasons for why it's different and some are about you and some aren't. I hadn't been with anyone for awhile and when we started doing stuff it was different.
Tea: How was it different?
Todd: It was just different. I'm different. The memories are different. Everything is just different now. And you...you're different. You see different things. You see something better in me than what I see. Sometimes I want to be a better person for you and for Starr. It didn't used to really matter that much to me if all of the idiots in this town hated me but now with Starr it's different. I know you can handle yourself with them but Starr's just a little kid. I don't want her hearing them talking bad about me.
Tea: I don't think that even the people that really hate you would ever say anything to Starr that would hurt her.
Todd: Maybe not on purpose but she could overhear them and it would hurt her. Doesn't it hurt you when you hear people talk about me?
Tea: Sometimes. When you were gone I heard a lot of bad things about you. I even...I said some bad things about you. I was angry. I didn't really mean them.
Todd: But those other people, they mean them. They hate me.
Tea: Todd, what does this have to do with last night?
Todd: I was trying to explain to you how things are different.
Tea: Are things different because of Starr?
Todd: I told you I don't want the way people hate me to affect her.
Tea: That's not what I meant. Since Starr came into your life have the memories been different?
Todd: Yeah. It wasn't as bad in the beginning, you know, when she was little. Even then it was different, though. She's my kid and I'm her father.
Tea: Becoming a parent made you think more about your own parents, your own childhood.
Todd: Yeah. And she got older and she got bigger, you know, and...
Tea (turning onto her side facing Todd): And you see yourself in her.
Todd: She's nothing like me. She's so much better.
Tea: But she reminds you of your own childhood.
Todd: It's not her fault.
Tea: She reminds me of mine too. You know, when we lived together before, when I would take care of her, I would do things with her that I remembered my mother doing with me. I loved being with Starr and doing those things with her but sometimes it made me incredibly sad.
Todd: You have good memories of your mom, right?
Tea: Some of them are very good and some...some are excruciatingly painful. (pause) Todd, tell me, do you have any good memories of your father?
Todd (after pausing for a moment): There were times when he wasn't hurting me, when he wasn't yelling at me but even then I was always waiting for him to lose his temper, always waiting for that thing I would do that would make him angry. It wasn't like we had any actual good times together. He never hugged me or told me he was proud of me or any of that junk. (pause) There was this one time when we were at this picnic thing that had something to do with his work. He wanted to make a good impression, look like a decent person, and all that. We were standing there and he was talking to some guy and he was bragging about me. It wasn't real, though, he was making stuff up and even the stuff that was real I knew that he wasn't really proud of me for. While we were standing there he slapped me on the back, not real hard, just, you know, the way I had seen other fathers do. The people who saw him do it I bet thought we looked like a normal father and son. What they didn't know was that the night before he had beat the hell out of me and when he hit my back, even though it wasn't hard, it hurt so bad. I couldn't react, though, I had to keep smiling and pretend it didn't hurt. He knew that. He knew what he was doing when he beat me the night before. He knew what he was doing when he slapped me on the back. He knew.
[Todd turns his head toward Tea and sees the tears falling down her cheeks. He returns his gaze back to the ceiling.]
Todd: I don't have any warm fuzzy memories of my father, Delgado.
Tea: I didn't think that you did.
Todd: Then why did you ask?
Tea: I wanted to know for sure. I wish I could tell you just to forget about him, to forget everything he ever did to you and just focus on us, on Starr, but I know that I can't do that, that you can't do that. He did so much to you and he took so much away from you. Somehow, Todd, you have to find a way to deal with what he did, all of it.
Todd: I'm trying.
Tea: Maybe it's more than you can do on your own.
Todd (looking at her again): I have you.
Tea: Maybe you need more than me. Maybe you need more than Viki, more than Starr.
Todd: I would never tell any of this to Starr.
Tea: I know but you hold on to her love when it gets difficult for you, when you want to give up. Maybe we're not enough. Maybe you need more than we can give you.
Todd: Do you still want to be here with me?
Tea (moving closer to him and gently touching his face): You know that I do.
Todd: Then that's all that I need. I don't want to tell anyone else any of this stuff. Is it too much? Do you not want me to tell you it anymore?
Tea: I can handle it.
Todd (touching his finger to the moisture on her face from her tears): I can tell.
Tea: Todd, if you tell me about your pain I'm going to cry because it hurts so much for me to think about what your father did to you and that you were so alone. I don't want you to be alone anymore. I don't want you to keep it locked up inside you. I want you to tell me. Whatever you're comfortable with I want you to tell me.
Todd: Tea, what happened last night...
Tea: Yes.
Todd: I can't tell you about it. Not yet. (looking at the clock) Besides, you have to go back to the hospital today and we don't have enough time. It might take me awhile to be able to tell you this. I don't think I can tell you while you're in the hospital, either. People might interrupt or overhear. Maybe when you come back home in a few days but I'm not really sure, Tea.
Tea: Okay. It's up to you. Just know that you can tell me. I'll listen.
Todd: And cry.
Tea: Probably.
Todd: Okay.
chapter 33:
[Tea enters the hospital for her chemotherapy treatment. Tea's fears are realized when the side effects of the new chemotherapy drugs are even more severe than they were during her previous treatments. Todd feels horrible having to watch her misery. He spends the entire first day and night with her, never leaving her for more than a few minutes at a time. Carlotta visits the first day but Tea isn't feeling very sociable and asks her to leave. Carlotta does but promises to come back the next day. Tea even tries to get Todd to leave but he refuses. Secretly she's glad he ignores her because she knows that she needs him to get through the worst her body has ever felt in her life.
On the second day, Tea is resting. Todd is laying beside her unable to sleep himself. When he hears the door open Todd looks up expecting to see Carlotta or maybe even Viki but instead Nora enters the room. Todd gently removes himself from Tea's bed and approaches Nora.]
Todd (trying hard to whisper): Get the hell out of here.
Nora (not bothering to whisper): I see you haven't changed any. I don't know why I expected your wife's illness to make you any more sociable.
Todd: You shut up about my wife.
Nora: Well, it's your wife I came here to see not you so get out of my way.
Todd: She's sleeping right now and you're not going to wake her up. Just go away.
Nora: Maybe I'll wait a few minutes and see if she wakes up. I'd like to visit with her and you don't get to decide who is allowed to see her.
Todd: Tea decides for herself and she already decided that she doesn't want to see you.
Nora (not believing him): Oh, really? She told you this?
Todd: Yes.
Nora: She specifically told you that she didn't want to see me?
Todd: No. She didn't have to.
Nora: Because you can read her mind?
Todd: Actually, I am pretty good at that but that's not how I know.
Nora: Then just how do you know?
Todd: Tea made it really clear that she doesn't want any phony sympathy from any of Llanview's famous hypocrites and you're one of the biggest ones I know.
Nora: Look, I don't really care what you think of me but Tea is my friend and I'm going to see her and offer my support to her. I would think right now you would want her to have as much support as possible.
Todd: She has plenty of support from the people who actually care about her. She doesn't need you hovering over her pretending that you care while you make nasty comments to her about me.
Nora: Everything is not about you.
Todd: This is about Tea and I'm not going to let you hurt her. This is hard enough for her. I'm not going to let you upset her by telling her a bunch of garbage about how stupid she is for being with me. She's with me. If you don't like that I don't give a damn but Tea wants to be with me and she needs me and she doesn't need you trying to make her feel bad about that. And as for being her friend, when have you ever been her friend?
Nora: I'm not going to debate this with you.
Todd: Were you her friend when you tried to get her to leave me when she wanted to defend Bo?
Nora (quickly interrupting): Actually, yes, she would have been better off without you.
Todd: Were you her friend when you sent that insensitive rejection of our wedding invitation? If I hadn't kept that from her don't you think that would have hurt her?
Tea (groggily): Could you go outside, or shut up, or something?
Nora: Tea, I'm so glad to see you.
Tea: Why?
Todd: I tried to get rid of her.
Tea: I'm sure you did.
Nora (pushing past Todd and approaching Tea's hospital bed): Tea, I just wanted to come and see how you're doing. How are you?
Tea: On the verge of dying. How are you?
Nora: Uh, Viki, told me you were here. I just wanted to see if there was anything I could do for you.
Todd: Go away.
Nora (turning toward Todd): Why don't you go away so I can speak to Tea alone?
Tea: No. I want Todd to stay.
Nora: I wasn't suggesting... I just thought maybe he could leave for a moment so we could talk without any of his snide remarks.
Tea: At least he's honest.
Nora: Maybe I should come back another time when you feel better.
Tea: Don't bother.
Nora: It's no bother. You know I care about you.
Tea: No, I don't. You never cared about me you just didn't want me to be with Todd.
Nora: Because he hurt you. I wanted what was best for you.
Tea: You didn't care about me. The only times that you've been nice to me since I married Todd were when I wasn't with him. You would hug me and tell me that you were on my side. When I was with him you ignored me, except the times you went out of your way to bad mouth him to me or to tell me how wrong I was for wanting to be with him.
Nora: This probably isn't good for you. I should leave.
Tea: I know you hate Todd and I know you have reasons to but Todd also has reasons to hate you and so do I. I don't hate you, though. I don't feel like hating anyone right now. I just don't give a damn about you. I hope you understand. You can like me. You can hate me. You can think I'm a pathetic idiot for falling in love with Todd and needing him. I don't really care what you think about me. I don't want or need your approval. Todd is the most important person to me and I need him and if you can't respect that then go away and don't come back. The last thing I want right now is for Todd to have to put up with people like you who don't even try to give him credit for the good things that he does. You just want to knock him down. Just like all those Buchanans who are probably thrilled that I'm sick because they figure Todd will let his guard down and they can come after him while his defenses are down. If they do, hell, I'll live just to spite them and I'll defend Todd myself if I have to against any charges they try to bring against him. (closing her eyes - unable to hide how horrible she feels anymore) Todd...
Todd (to Nora): You need to leave right now.
Nora: I'll go. Tea, whether or not I approve of who you spend your life with, I really do hope that you get better.
[Nora leaves the room. Todd lays back down next to Tea.]
Todd: Are you all right?
Tea: I'm going to regret that later, aren't I?
Todd: I wouldn't.
Tea (opening her eyes and looking at him): I know you wouldn't.
Todd: Do you care about her?
Tea: I don't know. There was a time that I cared what she thought of me. Right now, though, that kind of stuff seems so unimportant.
Todd: As long as you're with me you know some people are going to hate you because they hate me.
Tea: As long as you love me.
Todd: I do. Do you want to go back to sleep? I could stand outside the door and keep all the well meaning citizens of Llanview away from you.
Tea: I'd rather that you stay in her with me, at least for now. I don't think you should spend the night here tonight, though.
Todd: Why not?
Tea: I think you should spend it with Starr, if you can work it out that is. You haven't seen her in days.
Todd: Carlotta said she'd come by today. I'll go see Starr while she's here, okay?
Tea: Starr hasn't been at the house in awhile. She needs to spend some time there if she's going to feel like it's her home, even if it is only her part time home. It would also be good for you to spend some time alone with her without my illness getting in the way.
Todd: Look, we'll have Starr spend the night at the house as soon as your up to it. Until then it can wait.
Tea: What's wrong?
Todd: Nothing.
Tea: Todd, my brain doesn't feel like guessing right now. Just tell me.
Todd: What if something happened?
Tea: I'll be fine.
Todd: Not that.
Tea: Then what?
Todd: What if I have a nightmare or one of those memory things happens? I don't want to scare her. I'll wait until you can be there.
Tea: Why don't you ask Viki if you and Starr can stay at her house tonight? She'd probably love to have both of you there. That way you can be with Starr but Viki would be there if you needed her.
Todd: Why is this so important to you?
Tea: Because you and Starr are important to me. Because of me you haven't been spending as much time with her as you could be. I don't want to be responsible for that.
Todd: I've missed out on plenty of Starr's life and it didn't have anything to do with you. Besides, Starr wants me to be with you. She thinks I can make you better.
Tea: You do. I just don't want you to miss anymore of Starr's life. I'll probably sleep all night like I did last night anyway. Go be with Starr. It'll make me feel better if I know the two of you are together.
Todd: Are you sure?
Tea: Positive.
Todd: Okay, I'll see if I can work it out. Why don't you go to sleep now and after you fall asleep I'll go and see if I can make the arrangements.
[Tea cuddles closer to Todd and closes her eyes. Todd waits until she's been asleep for awhile before he leaves her room to call Viki and Blair.
That night, Tea is alone in her hospital room. She awakens as she feels the blanket covering her being lifted and a body laying down beside her, pressing against her.]
Tea (recognizing his scent): Todd, why aren't you with Starr?
Todd: Go back to sleep.
Tea: What happened?
Todd: We'll talk about it in the morning.
Tea (turning to face him): Tell me what happened.
Todd: You won't let it go, will you?
Tea: You know that I won't so tell me.
Todd: I was laying there in one of Viki's guest bedrooms. I wonder how many she has. Probably a lot.
Tea: Don't try to change the subject.
Todd: I was laying there not sleeping just thinking about stuff and Starr came in. She said that she wanted to spend the night with me. She got into bed with me and she was laying there next to me with her arms around me and I started to freak out. I mean, I tried really hard not to show it, you know. I didn't want to scare her. I tried to tell myself to just stay calm until she fell asleep but I couldn't even make it that long. I told her that I had forgotten to tell Viki something and I left the room. I went and woke Viki up and told her that I had to get out of there. She said that she'd make sure Starr was okay and tell her that I came here to be with you.
Tea: Why did it happen? Do you know?
Todd: Before Starr came in I was thinking about what happened, you know, in the bathtub. I was thinking about telling you what made me leave you there. I was thinking about that and Starr came in and I couldn't get my brain to stop thinking about it. I hate thinking about that kind of stuff around Starr. I want to keep that as far away from her as I can.
Tea: I don't suppose you want to tell me now what you were thinking about.
Todd: Not here. You only have one more night here and then you can go home. I'll tell you when we get home, okay? Unless you're vomiting at the time or something, then I might not feel like telling you right away.
Tea: I wish we were home right now.
Todd: You're that anxious to hear it?
Tea: I want you to tell me about it so you can move on.
Todd: It will still be there, Tea. It won't go away just because I tell you about it.
Tea: I know but at least you won't have to be alone with it anymore.
Todd: Let's just stop talking about this okay. They're going to wake you up really early in the morning again, right?
Tea: Of course.
Todd: Good. I want to be back at Viki's before Starr wakes up.
Tea: Well, then, close your eyes and try to get some sleep.
Todd: I don't think that's going to happen.
Tea (lightly caressing his face and massaging his forehead): It will if you close your eyes and let it.
Todd: You think what you're doing is going to work?
Tea: It has in the past. Try not to think about anything but the feel of my hand.
[Todd puts his arm tighter around Tea and moves his body closer to hers. She continues her gentle touches until Todd falls asleep. She relaxes next to him and falls asleep herself.]
chapter 34:
[The next day, Tea is alone in her hospital room when she hears Todd and a nurse arguing outside her room.]
Nurse: Mr. Manning, it's against regulations. You cannot have that thing in this hospital.
Todd: Go find someone who can tell you how much money I have given to this hospital and then come back here and try to tell me what I am allowed or not allowed to take into my wife's room.
Tea (as the door to her room opens): Todd, what's going on? (seeing what Todd and the nurse were fighting over) No. No. You are not bringing that thing into my room.
Todd: That thing? Tea, you'll hurt his feelings.
Tea: Well, he never cared about my feelings why should I care about his?
Todd: Tea, just because he couldn't express how much he liked you doesn't mean that he didn't care deeply.
Tea: He cared...he cared about my jewelry, about my room. Oh yeah, he cared.
Todd: Tea, you have no idea how much pain he's been in not being able to see you all this time. You never called. You never wrote. Think about how that made him feel.
Tea: I don't care.
Todd: The whole way over here he refused to speak to me because I picked you over him. Couldn't you show him just a little bit of compassion?
Tea: I never asked you to give him to Jessica.
Todd: The way you two fought, what other choice did I have? And it took me awhile, you know, to make the decision - the bird or the wife? Moose or Tea? It wasn't easy. It took me minutes, no days, to decide. I didn't know if I was making the right decision but I had to trust my judgment.
Tea: Do you regret that decision?
Todd: Every... (Tea gives him a stern look) Of course not. (quietly to Moose) Well, maybe a little sometimes.
Tea: Why did you bring him here anyway?
Todd: I thought a visit from Moose might cheer you up.
Tea: Well, the visit's over. You can take him back now.
Todd: I thought maybe the three of us could go for a walk.
Tea: I don't have the energy.
Todd: That's why you have a wheelchair.
Tea: I don't like using that thing.
Todd: Come on. You need some real air, not this hospital air. And we're in a hospital so no one's really going to notice the chair.
Tea: Okay, but you keep your friend away from me.
Todd: You really hold a grudge, don't you? You should work on that, maybe seek professional help.
Tea: Do you want me to go with you or not?
Todd: Okay, okay. (to Moose) You want to go for a walk with Tea, don't you? (silence) Tell Tea how much you missed her.
Tea: Never mind, Todd. When it's time for his next meal he'll speak to me (mocking Moose) 'Feed the bird. Feed the bird.' That's the only time he would talk to me before.
Todd: That's not true. He warned you about the terrorist.
Tea: Well...
Todd: See, you owe him.
Tea: Well, I never put my hand around his throat no matter how much I wanted to sometimes.
Todd: Oh yeah. There's love here. I can tell.
Tea: Can we get this walk over with so you can take Moose back home, to Jessica's not our house.
Todd: I can't wait to have children with you, you're so kind and nurturing.
Tea: It's a bird, Todd.
Todd: He's always been a good friend to me, whether I deserved it or not.
Tea: Okay, I'll be civil, all right? That's the best I can do.
Todd: We'll take it. Won't me, Moose?
[Moose plays dead.]
Todd (to Moose): This isn't the time.
Tea: It's okay. That's one death I wouldn't mind...
Todd: Tea!
Tea: Okay, so I'm still holding a grudge for what he did to my watch.
Todd: He was just jealous that you could tell time and he couldn't.
Tea: I see.
[Todd helps Tea into the wheelchair and begins pushing it out of the room with Moose sitting on his shoulder.]
Todd: Too bad Starr isn't here. The entire Manning family back together again, wouldn't that be great?
Tea: We're not keeping the bird, Todd.
Todd: He'd make a good guard bird, you know, he could warn us against terrorist, or Buchanans or any other heinous types.
Tea: Which room were you thinking of?
Todd: I think he'd be comfortable in the downstairs bedroom.
Tea: He's not allowed anywhere near our bedroom or my office.
Todd: Absolutely. So, he can stay?
Tea: I assume you already moved him in.
Todd: I did not. (Tea looks up at him with a questioning look) His stuff is in the car but technically...
Tea: Never mind, Todd. Your friend can stay. He just better stay out of my way. I'm in no mood for attitude from a bird.
Todd: He'll be a perfect gentleman, just like me.
Tea: Right.
[Tea, Todd and Moose share some quality time together before Tea returns to her room and Todd takes Moose home.
Later, Tea is alone in her room when Hank arrives.]
Hank (peeking his head into her room): Are you up for a visitor?
Tea: Are you here to tell me you gave my job to someone else?
Hank (entering the room): I would never do that. You're too good at your job.
Tea: You're timing is pretty good, Hank. I'm not vomiting and Todd's not here. This is about as safe as a visit gets with me these days.
Hank (taking a seat in the chair by her bed): I thought Todd was with you at all times now?
Tea: He usually is. He had to go home for a little while but he'll be back. (Tea pauses as she studies the expression on Hank's face) If you have something bad to tell me you might want to tell me before he gets back. Is this visit about Todd?
Hank: I'm afraid it is.
Tea: They're going after him, aren't they?
Hank: They're trying.
Tea: Are you on their side?
Hank: Look, Tea, this isn't about sides, not for me anyway. I care about you, I hope you know that. If I thought Todd was responsible though I would go after him regardless of how that affected you. That's my job.
Tea: I know. So, do you agree with Bo? Do you think Todd purposely killed Sykes?
Hank: I haven't seen anything that proves that yet. If proof is found I'll prosecute.
Tea: And if proof isn't found? I know the Buchanans must be putting a lot of pressure on you right now.
Hank: I can deal with it. This isn't the first time I've felt this pressure. It comes with the job.
Tea: This must be difficult for you, though. I know how close you are with the Buchanans, especially Bo.
Hank: Tea, my job is important to me. Doing my job right is very important to me. I won't let anyone push me to do something that I know isn't right. I'm telling you right now, though, if evidence is found I'm not going to put a hold on this case.
Tea: You do realize that if charges are brought against Todd I'll quit my job to defend him.
Hank: I suspected that. I don't think you're really up for that though, Tea, are you?
Tea: Right now I'm not. If it happens right away then we'll hire someone else to be his lawyer in court but don't be fooled by how horrible I look. If anyone goes after Todd I will be his lawyer, in the background, behind the scenes, and I won't be gentle about it. I'll do whatever I have to for Todd. I owe him.
Hank: Well, there won't be any charges if I have any say in it. I've already made it clear to Bo that I won't support him if he brings false charges against Todd right now. He either has something solid or he's on his own.
Tea: Thank you. I really appreciate everything, Hank. You gave me a job when I really needed it. I needed someone to think that I still had something good to contribute.
Hank: Tea, I know you're probably considering going back to being a defense attorney even if Todd's isn't prosecuted. I'll understand. I know that's where your heart really is. I just want you to know how much I've enjoyed working with you and getting to know you better. I would hate to see you leave but I really would understand.
Tea: Maybe I should just give you my resignation now. It probably would be better if you start looking for my replacement now rather than having to wait until I'm better.
Hank: Are you positive you don't want the job anymore?
Tea: If I get better I would go back to work for you for awhile but we both know that it won't take long before Todd's in trouble again and I would end up quitting so I could defend him. I know that if the Buchanans get their way it will happen while I'm still sick so it will be easier to get to Todd. I think maybe they actually believe that Todd does care about me, even if they don't think he's capable of much depth of feeling. Maybe they think that if they can get him now, put him in jail now, it'll really hurt him because he won't be able to be with his dying wife and won't that just slice his heart and make him bleed. I can't be a part of that, Hank. I know you've done good things for the community. I know most people think that putting Todd behind bars is a good thing but I can't see it that way. Even though there were some cases that I feel really good about being involved in, you're right, my heart is in being a defense attorney. That's where I belong. I do appreciate everything, Hank. I honestly do. I'm sorry to be leaving you like this.
Hank: It's okay, Tea. Right now you need to focus on getting better. After that, you can go back to doing what you really love. That husband of yours will probably give you plenty of work.
Tea: I'm sure he will. (reaching her hand out to him) Thank you.
Hank (taking her hand): No, thank you. (Hank leans down and kisses her forehead) Take care of yourself, Tea. If there's anything I can do you let me know.
[Hank leaves. Tea worries about how Todd will react when he learns the Buchanans are coming after him or if she should even tell him at all.]
chapter 35:
[Todd returns to Tea's hospital room.]
Tea: Good, you're here. Could you do me a favor?
Todd: Of course. What?
Tea: Pace for me.
Todd: What?
Tea: I don't have the strength to pace myself so pace for me.
Todd: Why do you want to pace? What's wrong? Did the doctor...
Tea (quickly interrupting): No. Nothing like that.
Todd: Then what?
Tea: Start pacing and I'll tell you.
[Todd tentatively begins walking back and forth across the room.]
Todd: Well? Are you going to tell me?
Tea: I'm thinking. Give me a minute.
[Todd stops pacing and approaches Tea's bed.]
Todd: This is ridiculous. Just tell me what's wrong.
Tea: Hank was here.
Todd: Did he fire you?
Tea: No, but I quit...I think.
Todd: You're not sure?
Tea: He knows that being a defense attorney is what I really want. I haven't officially given him my resignation though. I'll have to think about how this affects my health insurance.
Todd: Tea, I have tons of money, remember? I'll pay for whatever you need.
Tea: Sorry. Thinking about the cost of things is a habit that's hard for me to break.
Todd (sitting on the side of her bed): Is that what you were worried about? Your health insurance?
Tea: No.
Todd: What?
Tea: When Hank was here we didn't just talk about my job. We also talked about his job...and you.
[After a few seconds Todd understands what she's saying. He gets up and starts pacing the room.]
Todd: They're coming after me, is that it?
Tea: It seems that way. Hank, though, is on our side. Well, maybe not on our side but he won't support any frivolous charges brought against you.
Todd: They're gonna do it, aren't they? They're going to take me away from you, right now. They don't even care that you need me. And they think I'm a monster. How could they do this to you?
Tea: They don't care about me. All they care about is making you pay for whatever wrongs they've decided you've done.
[Todd stops pacing and stares at Tea.]
Todd: What do we do? I...I can't leave you.
Tea: We both knew when John Sykes died that this could happen. Even if he hadn't died this would probably have happened anyway about something else. They want you to hurt and I've given them the opportunity.
Todd: This isn't your fault. It's those bastards. I would never do this to them. I hate them all but I wouldn't do this to them.
Tea: Right now we have to focus on how to handle this.
Todd (taking a seat next to Tea on the bed again): We can go away. We can go to a country where they can't bother us and you can do your treatments there.
Tea: What about Starr?
Todd: We'll take her with us.
Tea: And take her away from her mother? From the rest of her family?
Todd: She'd have us.
Tea: Do you really want to put her through that?
Todd: No, but what choice do we have? (touching her face) I can't leave you.
Tea: Then let's make sure you don't have to.
Todd: How?
Tea: We'll use all of our resources.
Todd: I don't think I can buy them off. They have more money than I do.
Tea: You have other resources.
Todd: Like?
Tea: Your sister.
Todd: You want me to give them Viki?
Tea (smiling briefly): Viki is close to them, right?
Todd: Yeah. I don't know why but she seems to like them.
Tea: Maybe we can use that. She knows how much you need to be with me right now. And, you know she would fight for you to stay out of jail. And, if we really needed to, we could use her newspaper for sympathy.
Todd: No one will ever feel sympathetic about anything that has to do with me.
Tea: That's not true. Besides, we can do it from the angle of a young woman who is dying from a hideous disease who wants nothing more than to spend the last precious days of her life with the only man she's ever loved. That ought to nail a few people's hearts to the wall.
Todd (in mock shock): Tea!
Tea: What?
Todd: I admire you so much right now. (quickly adding) And, you're going to make it, you're going to be fine.
Tea: We need to convince people that I might not make it. Feed their sympathy. If not for you than for me. Okay, I know most people in this town have never cared anything about me but I think we can still twist their emotions a bit. What do you think? Are you willing to involve your sister?
Todd: Well, she'd probably do it. I don't know, though. I don't like the idea of people knowing our stuff.
Tea: We'll only say what we want to and keep the rest to ourselves. Besides, we'll wait to do the newspaper thing until we're a little more desperate. Right now we should start with trying to get the Buchanans to back off, at least until I'm better.
Todd: I'll talk to Viki.
Tea: We should also get Sam involved.
Todd (standing up suddenly): No. No way.
Tea: Why not? We could really use his help.
Todd: We can do this without him. Leave him out of this.
Tea: When are you going to tell me what happened between you and Sam that got you so upset?
Todd: It's nothing. Never mind. I'll talk to Viki, okay? You leave Sam out of this. Understand?
Tea: Todd, whatever it is you can tell me.
Todd: I don't want to. I never want to think about it again, or that... I don't want anything to do with him. You have to promise me you won't go behind my back and involve him.
Tea: I promise. I wish you would tell me what happened, though.
Todd: I'll go call Viki. What should I say? Are we telling her everything?
Tea: Why don't you invite her to stop by here today.
Todd: You need to rest.
Tea: I'll get plenty of rest. It's so boring, though. I want something to do. Something to keep my brain active and distract me from all of my problems.
Todd: Well, I'm glad my life descending into hell gives you something interesting to do.
Tea: You're not going back to prison.
Todd: You're confident.
Tea: Absolutely. You may have to go to jail, though. I can't prevent that but I can make sure you don't have to stay there long if you are arrested.
Todd: You know they'll keep me as long as they can.
Tea: They'll try but they'll be fighting against us and we'll win. We will win, Todd.
Todd: If they make me spend any time away from you they'll pay. I will make them pay.
Tea: Don't do anything, Todd.
Todd: They have to know they can't mess with me, with you, this way.
Tea: If you do anything right now they'll use it against you. Don't give them anything they can use. I mean it, Todd. You do everything legal from now on. You don't speed, don't assault anyone, don't...
Todd: What? If one of those jerks comes after me you want me just to sit there and take it?
Tea: Yes. I'm sorry but that's what you have to do. They will try to incite you, try to make you lose your temper. You can't let them. If there are other people around who can hear you then you calmly, very calmly, state that you don't want a fight. You walk away from anything bad that anyone says to you, whether it's a Buchanan or a reporter or anyone else. Do you understand? Do you?
Todd: I don't know.
Tea: I do. They will be waiting for any reason they can find to lock you up right now. You can't give that to them. I know it will be hard for you but you have to do this for both of us but also for Starr. Okay? Just focus on wanting to be with your family instead of in a jail cell and you get yourself through whatever situations you find yourself in.
Todd: This stinks.
Tea: I know. I'm sorry.
Todd: Okay, fine. I'll try. I really will. When this is over, though, they will pay.
Tea: We'll deal with that later, okay? Right now why don't you go call Viki.
Todd: Fine. You want me to bring back anything for you?
Tea: Something to eat would be great.
Todd: You're hungry?
Tea: Hey, I guess going into battle makes me hungry.
Todd: Great. Is hospital food okay or do you want me to call Carlotta?
Tea: I would really love some of Carlotta's food right now.
Todd: Okay. I'll be right back.
[Todd leaves Tea's room as Tea formulates strategy in her head, enjoying a battle other than the one raging in her body.]
An hour later...
[Tea, Todd and Viki are eating in Tea's hospital room.]
Tea: Thank you, Viki, for picking this up on your way over. I can't believe I actually have an appetite.
Viki: It was no bother. I'm just glad that Todd caught me before I left the office for the day.
Todd: So, are we going to talk about this, or what?
Viki: You still haven't told me why I'm here. Not that I don't appreciate spending time with both of you but I sensed there was some urgency to this meeting.
Tea: There is. (to Todd) Tell her.
Todd: The Bukes are coming after me. We want to use you against them.
Tea: We were wondering if you would be willing to assist us in this situation.
Todd: We're going to make them pay for what they're trying to do.
Tea: We simply would like to try to stop this situation before it escalates any further.
Viki: What situation exactly?
Todd: I told you, they're coming after me.
Tea: It appears that some individuals...
Todd: Those loser Buchanans.
Tea: ...are attempting to uncover a way to incarcerate Todd.
Todd: They want to throw me in the slammer for something I didn't even do. That Sykes guy was a total nut case who killed himself while trying to kill me and they want me to go to prison for the rest of my life for his death. They don't even care what happens to Delgado.
Viki: Did something happen? I thought Bo didn't have enough evidence.
Todd: He doesn't because I didn't do anything. He'll make it up if he has to. He doesn't care. Anything to put me behind bars again. That's were he likes to have me. So he can harass and ridicule me.
Viki: He was just doing his jobs the other times he arrested you. He's just doing his job now.
Todd: He shouldn't even have his job. He's a corrupt cop.
Viki: No, he isn't.
Tea: Actually, he is...technically. He has broken the law, or helped others break the law, so he really shouldn't have his job anymore. And, he will use his power to put Todd away if he can.
Viki: I don't believe that Bo would do that no matter how he feels about Todd.
Todd: So, you're just going to take their side against me?
Viki: I'm not taking anyone's side and I'm certainly not against you. What exactly are you asking me for anyway?
Todd: Well, forget it now. You obviously don't care about me, and Delgado was right, you don't give a damn about...
Tea (quickly interrupting): Viki, we were simply hoping that perhaps you could speak to Bo and any of the other people you are close to who might be trying to gather evidence...
Todd: ...frame me...
Tea: ...in the John Sykes investigation
Viki: I can't ask Bo to not do his job.
Tea: That's not what we're asking.
Todd: It isn't?
Tea: Of course not. What we want is for this investigation to be a standard one, no personal feelings, no vendetta against Todd. And, we don't want them to use my illness as a way to get to Todd.
Viki: Well, I really don't think that Bo would do that.
Todd: Like hell...
Tea: He may be trying to speed up the investigation knowing that I'm not at my best right now and also knowing that it would be even more difficult for Todd to be locked away right now.
Viki: You really think Bo would do that?
Tea: It appears that's exactly what he's doing.
Viki: I'm sorry but I just can't believe that Bo Buchanan of all people would do anything like that. He doesn't care for Todd, I'll admit.
Todd: He despises me.
Viki: And, Tea, he's fond of you, isn't he? Why would he do this to you?
Tea: He tolerates me when Todd isn't around but I wouldn't say that he actually cares about me.
Todd: And he's not doing this to Tea he's doing it to me because he hates me. He likes having me in that cage so he can torment me. If it was up to him I would live in a cage. He's just like...
[Todd stops speaking and stares down at the plate of food in front of him. Tea studies him afraid that she knows what he was about to say.]
Viki (to Todd): Are you all right?
[Todd doesn't respond or look at Viki or Tea.]
Tea (cautiously): Do you want to talk about it?
Todd (still refusing eye contact): No.
Tea: Maybe you should anyway.
Todd: We're here for a reason. This isn't it.
Tea: We're here to help you and if talking about it would help you then we'll listen.
Viki: I could leave if you'd rather talk to Tea alone. I assume this has something to do with your childhood, right? I know you've been sharing pieces of your childhood with Tea. If you'd be more comfortable I'll leave.
[Todd closes his eyes trying to decide what to do, how to handle this moment.]
to be continued...
