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| IN THE FUTURE BY TIMA |
CHAPTER 3 |
PREVIOUSLY
Tea is amazed at the physical rush she still gets from being in his presence. She has the urge to run her fingers through his long hair and to pull his body into hers. She remembers Viki is there and restrains herself from flinging open the door and tackling Todd to the patio ground. Finally Todd looks up and directly into Tea's tear filled eyes.]
Todd: Can we go somewhere and talk, Delgado?
[Tea and Todd are still communicating through their phones as Viki watches both of them trying to gauge the situation between them and trying to determine the state of mind of her beloved brother.]
Todd (never moving his gaze from her eyes): Tea?
Tea (momentarily lost in his beautiful eyes): Huh?
Todd: Are you just going to stare at me or can we go somewhere and talk?
Tea (coming back to reality): Oh, um, well, why can't we talk here?
Todd: Are you afraid to be alone with me?
Tea (scared by the power of the force that still sucks her towards Todd): Of course I'm not afraid. I just thought that there was a reason you wanted this to happen here. Wasn't there?
Todd: I do need to talk to Viki but I have to talk to you first. Alone.
Tea: I don't know.
Todd: I promise I won't hurt you.
Tea: You've promised that before...
Todd: I know, I didn't always keep it but this time I will. I won't touch you unless you say it's okay. We can even stay here if you want but it has to be alone. There's something I need to talk to you about that has to be discussed in private.
[Tea breaks Todd's gaze for the first time.]
Tea (looking down and speaking quietly): Okay.
Todd: Thank you. Tell Viki to go away, but not far, I'll talk to her after I talk to you.
Tea (to Viki): He wants to talk to me alone. He said he'll talk to you after we talk.
Viki (starting to leave the room): I'll be in the kitchen. I'll call Sam and let him know that Todd's back.
Todd (having heard what Viki said through Tea's phone): NO! Stop her! Stop her!
Tea (calling out): Viki.
Viki: Yes?
Tea: Wait. (looking at Todd) What?
Todd: Don't let her call him. If she calls that...if she calls him I'm leaving.
Tea: Why? What happened between you and Sam? (seeing his obvious distress) What's wrong?
Todd: Tell her not to call him. Tell her!
Tea (turning toward Viki): He doesn't want you to call Sam. He's threatening to leave if you do.
Todd: It's not one of my fake threats either, like the fake dynamite around my belly. I'll leave, I will, if Sam comes anywhere near me or you.
Tea (watching Todd's expression completely confused about his animosity toward Sam): Okay. (to Viki) He'll leave if he sees Sam.
Viki: Why is he upset with Sam?
Tea: I don't know but maybe it would be better if you didn't call him.
Viki: Fine. Tell him that I won't. I'll be in the kitchen when he's ready to talk.
[Viki leaves the room closing the doors behind her. Tea steps away from the patio doors and waits to see what Todd will do.]
Tea (into the phone): Are you coming in or not?
Todd: Are you sure it's okay with you? You're not scared to be alone with me? I wouldn't blame you if you were.
Tea: I'm hanging up now. Get in here.
[Tea and Todd both hang up their cell phones and put them away. Todd cautiously walks toward the patio doors and slowly opens them. Quietly he steps into the room and closes the doors. They watch each other, both unsure of how to proceed.]
Tea (standing nervously by the fireplace): You said you wanted to talk so, go ahead, talk.
Todd: Uh, yeah. Words. I hate them, you know.
Tea: I know.
Todd: But you need them?
Tea: They would probably be helpful.
Todd: Okay, why don't you sit down, this could take a while.
Tea: I'm fine where I am.
Todd: Still stubborn. Good. You'll need that.
Tea: For what?
Todd: Dealing with me.
Tea: What makes you think that I will be dealing, or doing anything, for that matter, with you?
Todd: You're here, aren't you?
Tea: So, I could leave. And I will leave if you don't tell me what this is about. (silence) Is it about my taking over the Sun? I know you signed it over to those three but what were you thinking? They couldn't agree on anything. Printing deadlines were missed. Advertisers deserted. Instead of exposing the hypocrisy in this town every front page story seemed to be either a love letter to Sam or a story about saving the whales, or squid, or whatever it was that Kelly was interested in. Max wouldn't agree to any story that made the Buchanons look bad because of Renee. And, if I hadn't stopped it when I did, Briggs would have been allowed to quit. Is that what you wanted to happen to your paper?
Todd: No. I knew you'd take care of it.
Tea: You did?
Todd: Of course, you know how important it is to me and that I want Starr to have it someday. I knew you'd find a way to save it before they destroyed it completely.
Tea: Well, it would have been easier if you hadn't given it to them in the first place.
Todd: What fun would easy be? (she gives him a look) Oh, come on, Tea, I knew you'd get a kick out of working at the paper once you got there, I just had to make sure you got there. If I had tried to give the paper to you before I left town you would have refused to accept it. It would have ended up being run by some stupid lawyer or accountant who had no idea of the value of a good scandalous headline, especially one that sticks it to those Buchanons. No, I had to make sure that you ran it and I knew that you wouldn't let Briggs out of that contract we made him sign. See, I had a plan and it worked brilliantly. (smiling slightly) I saw the headline on today's edition - 'Banner Boy Buchanon Bludgeons BeBe.' Very good, I'm impressed.
Tea: I told Briggs to think of what you'd write if you were covering Kevin's downfall.
Todd: We should give Briggs a raise for that one. Well, a small one, anyway.
Tea: We? There is no we. If you're back then you can have the paper back. I'll have my things out of your office by tomorrow afternoon.
Todd: We don't have to talk about that now. There's something that I need to talk to you about. Something important.
Tea: What?
Todd: I don't really know how to bring this up. I mean, as far as I can recall we haven't actually discussed it yet. I don't know, though, maybe we did and I don't remember.
Tea: Could you fill me in on the conversation we're having here.
Todd: It's something I did to you, something bad. Really bad.
Tea: Which thing?
Todd: There are so many things, aren't there?
Tea: Just tell me which thing.
Todd: The garden shed.
Tea (looking down): Oh.
Todd: So it did happen?
Tea: You don't know?
Todd: It plays in my head like a dream. Well, a nightmare, actually.
Tea: What do you mean?
Todd: Well, um, you see, Tea, uh, okay, I mean...
Tea: Just say it.
Todd: I'm trying. (pause) I hit you, right? In the garden shed, I hit you. (Todd pauses but Tea doesn't say anything, she won't even look at him) That's what happened, right, Tea? Why didn't you tell me?
Tea (softly): Why would I tell you? You did it.
Todd: I want to say 'I'm sorry' but I know the words wouldn't mean anything. They could never take away what I did. I swear to you, Tea, I didn't know. I didn't know. If I had known I wouldn't have tried to get you back. I would have given you a divorce and gotten out of your life.
Tea: What do you mean if you had known?
Todd: After I left here I traveled around for a few days trying to figure out where to go. No matter where I went, though, it didn't matter, all of my problems went with me. All of the voices in my head kept talking to me, they wouldn't shut up. It was even worse than before because there wasn't you or Starr to help keep them quiet. Finally, I ended up in Chicago.
Tea: Why would you go back there?
Todd: Because that's where it started and I figured that's where I could end it.
Tea: Suicide?
Todd: No, I've thought about it plenty of times but not this time. I just wanted to figure out why I am the way that I am. I mean, I know that the stuff that my father did is the reason for some of it but I wanted to stop it and I thought I had, well, sort of, but the lodge and everything that happened after... I don't know, I was so out of control and I couldn't stop it but I wanted to so badly. I thought that maybe if I confronted the past I could have a future but instead I had a breakdown.
Tea: Why didn't you tell me? All those times you called, you could have told me. Maybe I could have helped.
Todd: I know you could have and that's why I called you. Hearing your voice gave me the connection to the future that I needed to deal with my past.
Tea: And you've done that?
Todd: No, not completely, but I am working on it. You can't tell anyone, okay, but I've been seeing someone.
Tea: You're dating?
Todd: No, I would never cheat on you. A psychiatrist, okay, I'm seeing a psychiatrist.
Tea: Really?
Todd: Yeah, really. I'm trusting you here, Tea, I'm trusting you not to tell anyone any of this.
Tea: Why keep it a secret? You shouldn't be ashamed of it. It's good that you're getting help.
Todd: Yeah, that's what my shrink says. I'm not so sure. Especially with what happened yesterday.
Tea: What happened yesterday?
Todd: I remembered punching you in the face.
Tea: You really didn't remember?
Todd: I really didn't. My shrink explained to me that my mind has blocked certain things out to protect me. And supposedly the only way that I can get better and make the voices in my head shut up is if I face the things that my mind has been protecting me from.
Tea: The punch...
Todd: Among other things. I still don't remember everything that happened during and after the lodge but it is coming back to me. That's why I had to see you.
Tea: Why?
Todd: I don't know. I really don't entirely know. I mean, there are some things that I know happened that I don't remember the details of, and I sort of prefer it that way, but my shrink says that I have to remember them, no matter how bad they are, or I'll never get better. (speaking softly) The punch... I wasn't expecting that, you know. I didn't know. I couldn't believe it...but the second I remembered I knew it was true. I thought I had it under control. I mean, I knew I wasn't always in control but I thought I had enough control that nothing like that would ever happen, not to you. In the beginning, when I first started having feelings for you, I tried to keep you at a distance, to keep you safe. Not just safe from me physically but other ways too.
Tea: What do you mean other ways?
Todd: I feel this connection to you, Tea. It's like, sometimes, I look in your eyes...um...I look at you and I feel these things.
Tea: What things?
Todd: These, well, these...feelings. I'm not saying this right. I do have feelings for you, very strong feelings but that's not what I mean.
Tea: Then what do you mean?
Todd: I feel this connection, this bond with you. Like, I can feel what you feel and sometimes when you look at me... That night I told you about my nightmare, you looked at me and you understood. I felt like I didn't even have to say the words and you understood. But even the words aren't that bad when I say them to you. You know, I tell you things, things about when I was a kid, you look at me and it's not as bad. I don't know why but it's not as bad. It's not like that with most people, not for me. Even with my shrink it's hard for me to say things. It's very hard. But you, it's just different with you. That's why I need you in my life and that's also why I never wanted to get too close to you.
Tea: Okay, I need an explanation.
Todd: Can you feel what I'm feeling? When you look at me do you ever get this feeling inside that you know is exactly what I'm feeling?
Tea: Sometimes.
Todd: That's why I didn't want you to get too close to me.
Tea: Because I might share you feelings?
Todd: Yes. Tea, some of the stuff inside of me is so disgusting I never wanted it to touch you. Never. I wanted to protect you. I tried but I couldn't because I could never let you go, not really. Even when we were apart or when I was being mean to you, I could tell, you would look at me and you'd see my pain and you would reach out to me, even when you didn't want to.
Tea: I can't help it. I love you.
Todd: You do? You still do? After everything?
Tea (realizing she didn't mean to tell him that): It doesn't mean...
Todd: I know. I wish it did, though. This is so confusing.
Tea: It's confusing for me too. I shouldn't love you. I shouldn't. Not after everything you've done. I should just walk away. That would be the safest thing for me to do.
Todd: But the hardest also, right? It's the same way for me. I want to walk away. I want to leave you so you can find someone else and have the happiness you deserve because I don't know if I could ever give you what you need, what you really need. I really wish that I could, though.
Tea: Why are you here? To talk about what happened in the garden shed? Do you want me to help you through your therapy? What?
Todd: I needed something that I knew I could only get by seeing you and looking in your eyes. Now that I'm here I think maybe I know what that was.
Tea; What?
Todd: You don't hate me. I can tell. You don't despise me. You're still not afraid of me. That's amazing, Tea.
Tea: It doesn't mean that I'll ever be with you again.
Todd: I know but it really is incredible. I was kind of afraid that when I looked into your eyes, now that I know what I did to you, I thought you might look at me the way that my mother looked at my father. I hated that look and I never wanted to see it in your eyes.
Tea: You're not your father.
Todd: Yes, I am. A part of me is. And sometimes it's the strongest part.
Tea: But there are also other parts.
Todd: Yeah, but they're harder for me to trust. The anger and hatred that's easy the other stuff is so difficult for me.
Tea: I know.
Todd: I have nothing to offer you, Tea, nothing of value anyway, but I want...
Tea: What?
Todd: I need you. I wish I didn't but I do and I can't do this without you.
Tea: Yes you can. You're stronger than you think and you're not alone. You have Starr.
Todd: She's just a little kid.
Tea: And Viki.
Todd: She doesn't see me the way that you do. She keeps trying to see only the good parts. You see all of me.
Tea: And you have Sam.
Todd: How can you say that?
Tea: What? Why are you so angry at Sam?
Todd: Aren't you?
Tea; Why would I be angry with Sam?
Todd: Because of what he did to you.
Tea: What did he do to me?
Todd: He didn't care. He knew what I did to you and he didn't even care.
Tea: Oh.
Todd: How could you let him off the hook like that. You should have been in his face yelling at him about what I did to you. You never should have let him pretend it didn't happen.
Tea: Look, Todd, it's not a big deal. Of course, he didn't want to admit it, he loves you.
Todd: Yeah, well, he must hate you for hurting you like that. And even if he does, he should have cared enough about me to protect you. I was too messed up to take care of you so he should have and he didn't. I'll never forgive him for that.
Tea: It's not his fault. You can't blame him for the choices that you and I made.
Todd: I don't but I do blame him for not getting angry at me for what I did. I may not remember everything but I do know that when I was in jail, after the garden shed, he didn't say anything to me about what I'd done to you. Not one thing. And in the elevator at the hospital, you said that he and Viki were pressuring you. Viki doesn't know does she?
Tea: I don't think so.
Todd: You should have told her, you should have told everyone. But Sam, he knows, I know that he does, right? He saw your bruise at the police station. So did Blair but she hates you so I wouldn't expect her to be sympathetic to you but Sam should have been. And he shouldn't have been pressuring you to stay with me or getting angry at you for not believing the DID in the beginning.
Tea: If none of this bothers me why does it bother you so much?
Todd: Because I know you and I know it does bother you, you just don't show it. You shove it down inside yourself and keep it hidden but it's there, I can feel it. I felt it before, I just didn't know what it was until now. You put up with all of my garbage because you don't think you deserve better because no one has ever made you feel like you did. That's why you married me after I walked out on our wedding because you felt like you didn't deserve anything better than that pathetic excuse I gave you.
Tea: I loved you and I wanted you to love me. I thought that maybe you did even though you said you weren't sure. I thought that you did. There were moments that it definitely felt like you did. Like, when I was with Rod. And when we were alone in the cabana before the tape played. You were scared and nervous but I thought that you really did love me.
Todd: I did. I do. I love you. I swear. I may be messed up about everything else but I'm not confused about that. I do love you.
Tea: Then why did you say that you weren't sure, on our wedding day.
Todd: I know that I love you but sometimes I'm confused about what that means. I have all of these feelings for you but I don't know what to do with them. I don't know how to show them to you.
Tea: Well, Rod seemed pretty comfortable showing me and telling me about his feelings.
Todd: I know but it's not as easy when it's me, just me. But, Tea, those feelings they're just as real, it's just not as easy for me to show it.
Tea: So, what does all of this mean?
Todd: I don't know. I know that I love you and I know that you'd be better off without me but I'm willing to try if you are.
Tea: Try what?
Todd: A marriage, a real marriage. I'm not ready for everything yet, you know, the intimate stuff, but I hope someday... I'd really like to be with you that way but there's more stuff I have to get through before I can promise you that.
Tea: What your father did to you?
Todd: Yes. There's more than you know, more than anyone knows and I'm willing to tell you about it, all of it if you want. If you'll be patient with me. If you can give me another second chance.
Tea: I don't know, Todd. I've trusted you before and I've gotten hurt so many times. I don't know if I can do it again.
Todd: Will you at least think about it?
Tea: I don't want you to get your expectations up.
Todd: I won't. Just think about it, okay?
Tea: I'll consider thinking about it.
Todd: Okay.
Tea: Now what?
Todd: Now I talk to my sister. Will you stay?
Tea: You two should have some privacy.
Todd: I don't need privacy from you. You're the only one that I know I can tell everything to.
Tea: Well, I was invited to dinner.
Todd: Good. Let's go eat, I'm hungry. I hope we're having baked potatoes.
[Tea gives Todd an amused look behind his back as he leads her out of the living room.]
