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| SOULMATES BY CAROL |
CHAPTER 50 |
chapter 50
Her smile soon turns to dread as she realizes that history may not repeat itself. But the journey must be taken. She won’t tell him yes today. She’s enjoying his effort. She’s enjoying his attention. Anything to keep her from thinking about what he ultimately wants her to think about…to talk about. For now, Todd is not the enemy. Control is. And it will be controlled at all costs. She has too much to lose and nothing to gain. What could possibly be hopeful or life affirming on the other side? The other side only holds darkness, fear, pain and emptiness. Todd was better off without her, but would probably like her better this way. Starr was definitely better without her. What child could possibly be better for having known her, especially now? She would protect the child at all costs. That was the least she could do.
Days past as Todd entertained her daily in her room. She fought with the hospital staff and the routines of the boring days they inflicted upon her. She fought the food they forced upon her thrice daily and reveled that Todd spoiled her with local delicacies at her beck and call. She hated that they wanted her to go to therapy daily and Todd always found a way to interrupt that command. He was building trust with her, with simple things like playing checkers and playing fair. She wasn’t sure if he was letting her win or if he was merely allowing the checkers to fall where they may. But she was light at heart, light in thought and fearful that he was lulling her into a false sense of security. She couldn’t let her guard down, but then, he hadn’t challenged it either. Days were passing, almost as if he was allowing and doing anything and everything just to get through the days. The more he seemed and acted like himself, his old self, the more comfortable she felt in the moment. When he was kind, she questioned his motives. She didn’t know how to handle a Todd Manning who cared about someone else before himself, even if that person was her. She was just thankful that she wasn’t having to relive her ugly, recent past and she was just thankful that the days were passing uneventfully.
When the end of the week arrived, Tea realized that it all must come to an end. Todd had found a place nearby and had asked her to leave in the morning. He told her he would spend the night with Starr and come back for her in the morning, to begin their four week pursuit. Their pursuit of her memories and the feelings that went with them. Their pursuit of the truth and the pain it could cause. Their pursuit of setting things right with her and her daughter, even if she didn't know that part yet. That was almost as important to him as her recovery overall. Marissa needed Tea more than he did at the moment. He wasn’t sure if what he felt for her was paternal, but he knew it had to be nearing that compassion crap Tea used to spout off.
He knew that the next four weeks would be the most important four weeks of his life. Of her life. And he wasn’t about to do anything to screw it up. Too many people were counting on him. Little people who had no choice but to sit back and trust him to make it happen. The pressure was great and the stakes were high. But he realized how much he had to gain and for the first time in his life, he was willing to risk it all. He was also ready to take responsibility for the outcome. On the football field, pressure had been his friend. The higher the stakes, the more important the game, the better he played. This, would be no different. His conversation with himself, just days before, brought to the forefront that it was a recognizable outfit, a recognizable face, scars and flaws and all, but the eyes, seemed different. They seemed more mature. Maybe he was making progress.
Tea seemed in good spirits. She had told him that she could handle four weeks alone with him. But she had also made a deal with him that if it got too hard, he would return her to the hospital, no questions asked and he was to leave for good. She had plenty of money to take care of herself and she felt comfortable with the doctors he had surrounded her with. It also comforted her inside to know that there was such a strong buffer for her to fall back on. Deep down inside, she knew that she probably wouldn’t be able to count on Todd. When had she ever been able to count on him before? She remembered back to their time alone at his mother’s cabin, but wasn’t sure how to look back on it all. It had not ended badly between them, but it had not ended favorably either. Someone had come in and ripped their world apart. Was that Todd’s fault? Part of her still answered yes. Part of her wanted to blame Todd for what he had done to make Powell the person he was and the destruction he caused. She was still in a great deal of pain. But deep down inside, she realized that everyone had to take the blame for their own actions. She wasn’t quite prepared to take her own responsibility in the happenstance that occurred those years in the woods. But for now, she saw herself lightening up on blaming Todd for the entire thing. She was just so confused and desperate for answers it made her head spin. She was going to have to trust Todd and that scared her most of all.
Todd left her at the hospital, unsure of his final words to her that evening, knowing he should say something.
Todd: I’ve had a good time this week.
Tea: Me too.
Todd: I feel like I need to say something.
Tea: Me too.
Todd: Well, then?
Tea: Oh no. I’m having too much fun listening to you, trying to be all sappy.
Todd: Well, don’t get used to it. It’s over before it begins.
Tea: Figures.
Todd: (Taking a deep breath) I’m looking forward to our time together Tea. No expectations. No limits.
Tea: There are expectations. There are limits.
Todd: Yeah, but we can play with those.
Tea: I’m tired of playing games Todd. I can’t play with you anymore.
Todd: Don’t say that. You have to try. Just try. That’s all I’m asking.
Tea: I’ll try. That’s about the most of a commitment you’ll get from me.
Todd: And I’ll take what I can get at this point. I feel like…(pausing)
Tea: Yes…
Todd: I liked it better when you did all the talking.
Tea: Not me. I’m enjoying this (cracking a half smile).
Todd: I know, that’s why I’m doing all this inner struggling. Just for your sheer entertainment.
Tea: I knew there had to be some motivation behind it.
Todd: You know me. Whatever.
Tea: I feel like for the first time in our lives Todd, we’re entering uncharted territory. Really, spooky, unchartered territory. I feel like we’re almost…
Todd: Almost what?
Tea: Dare I say it? Friends?
Todd: You’re brave. No one wants to be my friend. Which is why, I don’t do friends.
Tea: I think you do, you’re just so unaware of what it is, you don’t recognize it when you see it.
Todd: Friends, huh?
Tea: I think we’ve always been friends, you just seemed to always be so afraid of the word.
Todd: Is that what you want? To be my friend?
Tea: I thought you were agreeing to be MY friend.
Todd: Whatever.
Tea: I guess that means I have to settle for almost.
Todd: (Seeing a glimpse of hopefulness in her eyes, he quickly interjects) No, I can do friends. Friends is probably a great place to start.
Tea: Just as long as you know friends is where we’re trying to end in this as well.
Todd: So now it looks like I’m the one who will have to settle.
Tea: Friends is good Todd.
Todd: Look Tea. I started out as your husband. Twice in fact. I’m still your husband in fact. Friends sounds to me like a definite step backwards.
Tea: Friends sounds like a step in the right direction. And it’s the only step I can attempt to take at the moment.
Todd: Then friends it is.
Tea: Then friends it is.
Todd held out his hand and Tea took it and shook it. It felt so wonderful and comfortable to be laying here, with Todd standing beside her bed, his hand in hers, her hand in his. It just felt right. Dare she ever hope for more? These feelings seemed to be coming from somewhere deep inside her and they overwhelmed her. She tried to pull her hand back away, but Todd could see through the wall trying to be rebuilt and he wouldn’t let her have her hand back.
Todd: You gave me this hand in marriage. If you want it back, you’ll have to negotiate for it.
Tea: I can’t Todd. Please don’t.
Todd: (Placing her hand on top of her abdomen) You can have it for now. I’ll wait.
Tea: What exactly are you waiting for?
Todd: Nothing. Everything. Someday.
Tea: Someday. That hopefulness scares me most of all.
Todd: Then I’ll pick you up here tomorrow?
Tea: I’m not going anywhere…except with you…I mean…
Todd: I know what you mean and you don’t have to worry. I won’t read too much in to your comment. I’m not the lawyer, remember?
Tea: I am. I remember.
Todd: There. Now that wasn’t so hard was it?
Tea: I hope I won’t let you down.
Todd: You never could.
And with that, Todd left Tea at the hospital for the night, both deep in thought about the next four weeks and all that implied!
To be continued…
2001 Copyright by Carol
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