Robert Picardo Fiction

This is a story that takes place back in the China Beach setting.  Everything's the same except 'Lt. Colleen McMurphy' is replaced by none other than me, 'Lt. Lisa Hansen.'  :o)  The story contains sexual harassment (a "goose").

[Prior situation of the story:  Dr. Richard walks up behind Lt. Hansen and flirtingly pinches her on the rear.  Lt. Hansen, of course, plays it off sternly, but good-heartedly.]

(Setting:  Lt. Hansen is sitting at far end of the bar.  Two MP's walk in to order a drink.)

Hansen:  Hey, do you guys wanna make ten bucks?
MP1:  Sure, we could use it.
MP2:  What do we gotta do?
Hansen:  I wanna play a joke on a friend, Dr. Dick Richard.  It won't take long.
MP1:  Alright.  What's the plan?
Hansen:  Well, he should be here any minute now.  He'll sit next to me, I'll nod at you to confirm it's the guy.  Then you guys come over and ask him to go with you cos you got a report that he sexually harassed me.  He'll probably make a fuss, but just tell him you can't tell him anything, and insist that he go with you for questioning.  After he squirms a bit, I'll let him in on the joke.
MP2:  Sounds like you've really got it in for this guy.
Hansen:  Let's just say he deserves a taste of his own medicine.  Can you do it?
MP1:  No problem.  We'll be at that table over there.
Hansen:  OK.

(Minutes later, Dr. Richard walks in and sits down next to Lt. Hansen at the end of the bar.)

Richard:  Well, I see from that half a glass of beer that you didn't wait for me before indulging yourself.
Hansen:  (Casually makes eye contact with the two MPs and nods)  Oh, sorry.  How rude of me.  Lemme buy you a beer (signals to bartender for a beer) and I'll wait 'til you catch up.
Richard:  That's more like it.  (Beer arrives; he takes a sip) Ah, nothing like a good drink after a hard day at the office.
Hansen:  You *wish* you had an office.
Richard:  It would just be cluttered with a bunch of stuff anyway.  Saves me the trouble of cleaning it.

(MPs approach the bar)

MP1:  Dr. Dick Richard?
Richard:  (Suspiciously) Yes?
MP1:  We're gonna have to ask you to come with us, sir.
Richard:  (Still seated) What for?
MP2:  Just come with us, please.
Richard:  (Stands and walks over to the MPs) What's this about? (Looks at Lt. Hansen)
Hansen:  (Shrugs)
Richard:  (More persist) Could you *please* tell me what this is about?
MP2:  We've received a report that you sexually harassed one of the Lts.
Richard:  WHAT?!  (Looks at Hansen)  You?!
Hansen:  I'm sorry.  I had to report it.

(MPs each take an arm to escort Dr. Richard and keep him from walking away from them)

Richard:  Why?!  It was just a joke!  You didn't take it seriously when it happened!
Hansen:  Well there's nothing I can do about it now.
Richard:  (Slightly annoyed) Just TELL them you aren't serious about pressing charges!
MP1:  A report has already been filed, we have to follow through.

(The MPs escort Dr. Richard to the other side of the bar, towards the doorway; he seems to give in and go along quietly now.)

Hansen:  Oh, doctor?
Richard:  (Manages to turn around, still restrained by the MPs; he looks questionably at Lt. Hansen.) What?
Hansen:  I could have this harassment charge dropped under one condition.
Richard:  ANYthing!  Name it! I don't want this on my record!
Hansen:  Keep doing it.
Richard:  (Confused)  Keep doing what?
Hansen:  (Sly grin) Hearassing me.
Richard:  I don't understand.  You just reported me for it, and now you want me to keep doing it?
Hansen:  OK then, never mind.  Take him away guys.
Richard:  (Mumbles) I don't believe this is happening.

(MPs begin leading him to doorway again.)

Hansen:  One more thing, doctor.
Richard:  (Turns once again to look at Lt. Hansen)  What is it *this* time?  Do you want me to slap you or something?
Hansen:  No, I just wanted to tell you something.
Richard:  You've canceled my credit cards?
Hansen:  No.  But I just played one heck of a joke on you.
Richard:  You mean this was all a *joke*?!
Hansen:  Just a friendly gesture.
MP2:  Sorry ma'am, but we really have to take him for questioning on the matter.
Hansen:  OK you guys, you can knock it off now.  Well done.
MP1:  We aren't joking.  All sexual harassment, whether serious or not, has to be investigated.
Richard:  This is ridiculous!
MP1:  Just come with us.
Hansen:  Wait a minute!  You guys knew this was all a joke.  Why are you actually going through with the report?  I'm not pressing charges.
MP2:  We still have to look into it.  You claimed he harassed you, so we have to handle it accordingly, whether you press charges or not, he still has to be questioned and the matter has to be investigated.  Now if you'll just stand back and let us do our job.

(They approach the doorway.)

Hansen:  Could I just tell him I'm sorry before you take him away?
MP1:  Make it quick.
Richard:  (Disappointingly looks at Lt. Hansen; doesn't say anything)
Hansen:  I'm....I'm sorry....I'm sorry you fell for it, *again!*
Richard:  (Suspiciously) You aren't serious!
Hansen:  You shoulda seen your face!

(MPs laugh and pat Dr. Richard on the back and shake his hand to exclude any bad feelings)

Hansen:  Handing the MPs the ten bucks and shaking their hands)  Thanks guys, you did a wonderful performance.
MP1:  Any time.
MP2:  Glad to be in on it.

(MPs wander over to bar to get a beer and then go sit at a table.  Lt. Hansen and Dr. Richard head back to the far end of the bar.)

Richard:  I knew it was all a joke.  Right from the beginning.
Hansen:  Uh huh.
Richard:  I did!  You would never turn me in.
Hansen:  Oh wouldn't I?  Those two are still MPs you know.  I could turn you in right *now* if I wanted to.
Richard:  If I buy you a drink, would you let me off the hook?
Hansen:  I suppose that would persuade me.  For starters.
Richard:  Maybe it would be better if you *did* turn me in for something.
Hansen:  Nah, that would be too easy.
Richard:  You know what they say about pay backs.

(Both smile, click glasses and drink their beers.)

~The End~