My Joke page Vol. 1 # 1

IF YOUY HAVE A JOKE AND WOULD LIKE TO HAVE IT POSTED (E-MAIL) ME AT La_Divina_Morena@yahoo.com LEAVE YOUR NAME IF YOU WANT TO TAKE CREDIT FOR THE JOK, OR JOKES...

CandyBar life... It was just another day and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue. I whipped out my Million Dollar Bar and whispered "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like Crunch on My Big Hunk" she replied "Oh Henry, what a Whopper."

Well she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll and it was pure Almond Joy. I couldn't resist her Charms and reached out and grabbed her Mounds, it was easy to see this little Twix had the Red Hots for me.

It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger slipped into her tight litlle Kit Kat as she screamed "Oh Henry, Oh Henry" soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and Zagnut's. It wasn't long before I blew my Milk Duds to Mars, which gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked about M&M , but I said "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff you little Reese's pieces.Don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you grab my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed "Oh you Cracker Jack, better than the Three Muskteers" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty when all of a sudden...my Starburst! Yeah as luck would have it she started to get Chunky, complained of a Wrigley in her stomach and nine months later out popped "BABY RUTH."

Green Side Up A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

Rats Bragging There were three rats sitting at a bar. The first rat starts bragging about things he had done. He says; when I find a rat trap I lay down on it, I set it off with my tale, then I catch the bar in my teeth, then I bench press it about 10-20 times to work up a good appetite and make off with the cheese. The second rat says; well when I find rat poison, I gather up as much of it as I can and I take it home and grind it up into a fine powder to put in my coffee in the mourning to build up a good buzz to last me all day long. The third rat gets of his bar stool and says; I don't have time for this shit I have to go home and screw the Cat!

Useless But Interesting Facts * The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month.
* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.
* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.
* Cat's urine glows under a black light.
* Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.
* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously
* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
* No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl
* The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured
* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.
* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
* The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan".

Bus Conversation A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following; "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more."

"You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

On Time A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

Pinocchio's Splinters Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

My Joke Page Vol. 1 # 2