by Helen Rodgers
I started this story in a burst of inspiration immediately after the episode first aired. Then I got stuck. It seems fitting that I finished it the day they aired the show again.
My interpretation of what could have happened after the events of "A Bugs Life".
Rated G - No sex, no violence, no bad language. Just John angst.
*****
John jerked awake shaking, his body drenched in a cold sweat. It had been two weeks since the run-in with the PeaceKeeper Marauder and the dream kept invading his sleep. Every time he closed his eyes he saw it again - Aeryn, the knife in her side, her blood staining the floor. D'Argo sending him after the virus infected Larraq. He knew it had been the best plan - he couldn't be infected again - but it had torn him apart inside to leave her. The next few minutes blurring together - running down to the transport hangar then back to command - the orders to Pilot - the satisfaction of seeing the ship explode. The fear of seeking out Zhaan, not knowing Aeryn's condition.
*****
When he had first approached the medical bay D'Argo blocked the entrance. "Zhaan does not want you in there John." His steps faltered. D'Argo only called him 'John' when things were very serious.
"Aeryn", he began, but his voice caught in his throat. "Aeryn's - dead isn't she."
"No, but she is still in great danger. Zhaan wants no interruptions. She needs her total concentration to treat Aeryn's injury."
"But I need to see her, I need to be there in case - - I want to be able to say goodbye."
"I'm sorry, but you must stay out here until Zhaan says you may enter." D'Argo said firmly. He laid his hand on John's shoulder, "I know you feel that you need to be with her John," he said sympathetically, "but Zhaan is the only one who can help her now. You would only be in the way."
John leaned against the far wall and let his mind go blank. He couldn't allow himself to think. She had to live. Nothing else mattered. For what seemed an eternity (D'Argo later told him it was just over two arns) they waited in silence.
Zhaan appeared in the doorway, motioning them into the room. Aeryn lay on the bed, so pale, so still, that at first he hadn't seen that she was still breathing. "I've done all I can, John." Zhaan said softly. "She has a strong spirit. We must hope it will carry her though the next few arns. For now, all we can do is wait."
Behind him he heard D'Argo and Zhaan speaking, but the words didn't penetrate the cocoon he seemed to be in. For that moment his entire universe contained only the woman on the bed before him. Chiana entered and joined the conversation. A few moments later Zhaan laid her hand on his shoulder.
"John," she began, "Chiana has reminded us that we need to release Rygel from the containment box. Will you be alright here?"
"I'll be fine Zhaan, take your time. I'll call if Aeryn's condition changes and she needs you."
After another discussion, the others left. Both Chiana and Zhaan had felt that someone should stay with him, but D'Argo had overruled them. Of course, John thought, D'Argo has been through something like this. He understands.
"Hey Darlin'," John said softly as he brushed the hair away from her face. "I know you can't hear me, hell, if you could hear me I wouldn't be saying this." Leaning over he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I love you Aeryn Sun. I know you don't love me - not yet - maybe not ever. You are attracted to me, but attraction doesn't always lead to love. We'll never know for sure if you don't hold on. Don't leave me Aeryn. Give me a chance. Give US a chance. Come back to me."
He continued to stand silently beside her, lightly touching her face, her hair, needing the reassurance of physical contact to know she was still alive. Time passed. When she started stirring he went to sit on the table across the room. He knew she wouldn't feel comfortable if he was standing over her when she woke up, probably wouldn't be comfortable that he was there at all. Too bad, he was staying. Lying on the table was the knife that Larraq had used to stab her. Aeryn's dried blood was still on its surface. He held it like a talisman, waiting for Aeryn to regain consciousness.
*****
John sat up on the edge of his bed wiping his face, wiping away the remnants of the dream. Moving slowly, he went into the shower area and let the cold water revive him. Man, he thought to himself, I'm going to have to get a handle on this or I'll end up in the uncharted territories equivalent of a rubber room. Dressing, he left the room and headed toward command.
"Yo, Pilot. How many hours - sorry arns - did I sleep tonight?"
"Good evening Crichton, a little over three arns."
"Well, that's better, not much, but better. At this rate I should be back to my regular sleep pattern in, oh, about a month. Feel up to giving me more lessons on Moya's operations? Or, I could do some more maintenance on the DRDs. What ever you need, just ask."
"I fell that you should go back to your quarters and try to get some more sleep," said Pilot, the concern clear in his voice. "You look ill."
"Must be your imagination Pilot, no one else has said anything about the way that I look. As for trying to get more sleep, no can do. The dream will just come back and once a night is enough."
"Dream? What is a dream?"
"What's a dream? That's going to be a tough one to explain to someone that doesn't sleep. I am right; you don't sleep, do you? But then maybe you used to sleep, you know, back before you were joined with Moya?"
"No, my species does not sleep. That is one of the reasons we can be bonded with a Leviathan, we have no need for the periods of unconsciousness that most species require. To need sleep would endanger the ship we serve and any passenger within her."
"You don't need sleep? Wish I could trade places with you. Well, on my world, doctors say that dreams are our minds way of relaxing or working out problems. I don't know about other people, but I have three different kinds of dreams."
"The first is your garden-variety everyday silly dream. People flying or animals talking, stuff like that. I usually don't remember much of those kinds of dreams. The second kinds of dreams are bad dreams. On my world we call them nightmares. Nightmares are usually about being trapped or hurt or chased. I've had quite a few of those lately and they all involve Crais."
He paused for a moment, then continued slowly. "The third kind of dream is the worst because it's about something that really happened. Something that you tried to stop but couldn't."
"You are referring to when Officer Sun was injured by the Peacekeeper Captain?"
"Yeah, I'm talking about when Aeryn was hurt. It wasn't really Larraq that hurt her; it was the bug inside him. The bug hurt her because it had been inside me and knew how much I care for her. If it had really wanted her dead it could have just as easily had Larraq break her neck, but it wanted to distract me, slow me down. That's why it stabbed her, to keep me busy so it could get away."
"She's been avoiding me, has hardly talked to me since she woke up. She blames me for what happened. They all blame me. They're right." His voice fell to a whisper. "I don't know how much more of this I can take."
John drew in a deep breath and resumed speaking in a normal tone of voice "Well Pilot, you didn't say if you were going to teach me more of Moya's systems or if you wanted me to do maintenance on the DRDs."
"There is very little more I can teach you about the systems," said Pilot, " and you fixed the last of the DRDs last night. Perhaps we could just talk? I would be interested in hearing more about your home world. Your style of speaking is so unusual, I would like to know more about your language."
"That's nice of you to say so, but I don't think you're really interested in southern metaphors or slang." Silence fell as John gazed out at the vista of stars.
After a few minutes he said, "Pilot, do you remember the world we passed a few weeks ago; lots of plant and animal life, but no humanoids? Could you keep an eye out for another one like it? Someplace livable, but uninhabited, where my being there won't put anyone in danger. I think it might be better for everyone if I leave Moya."
"Leave Moya?" Pilot asked with alarm. "Why do you want to leave us? I thought you were happy here."
"I am happy Pilot. You and Moya have been very good to me. I know I wouldn't have survived this long if it hadn't been for the two of you, but I've been nothing but trouble for everyone, especially Aeryn. It'll be safer for all of you if I leave."
"Crichton, I feel that you need to give this more thought. If you leave us you will not have a way to find your home world."
"I have thought about it Pilot. The uncharted territories are my home now. I've realized that the desire to find Earth is just a foolish waste of time. Besides, it's not as if I'm leaving right now. It could be weeks before you find another planet like that one. I just want you to keep a look out and not tell the others, okay? Trust me, it's for the best."
'I will do as you wish Crichton, I will begin the search for a suitable planet."
"Thanks. Well, since you don't need me, I'll go work on my module. Call if something comes up." John left command and went to the cargo bay that housed Farscape 1, not noticing the concerned look that Pilot gave him thorough the viewer.
*****
A few arns later, as the others were gathering for breakfast, Zhaan looked up with a smile when Aeryn entered the room. "Welcome back, I'm glad to see that you finally feel up to joining us. Any pain today?"
"No pain, not as long as I move slowly." Aeryn returned the smile as she sat down carefully. "I'm glad to be out of my quarters. I was starting to feel what Crichton calls 'cabin fever'. By the way, where is Crichton? I thought he would be hovering over me to make sure I wasn't overdoing things, but I haven't seen him for days."
D'Argo spoke up; "None of us has seen him lately. He has been spending all of his time working on that ship of his. He hasn't even been eating his meals with us."
Chiana said, "I saw him yesterday." She paused as the others looked at her in astonishment. "I know that you don't believe I'm capable of it, but I've been worried about him. It really hit him hard to find out that he killed that woman when the bug had control of him. I went down to his ship, to see what he's been up to. He looks terrible. And you know how he's always joking and using those stupid words that we don't understand?" She looked at the others grimly. "Well yesterday he barely talked at all. Answered most of the things I said with just one word, didn't smile, hardly even looked at me. Something's really wrong with him."
"Excuse me for interrupting," said Pilot. "Moya and I are also concerned about Crichton. He has slept less than three arns a night since the incident and has eaten less than half of his food rations. I believe that the lack of sleep is affecting his judgement. He thinks that Officer Sun had been avoiding him and that all of you blame him for what happened. I am betraying a confidence when I tell you this, but last night he said that his being on Moya was causing problems for everyone and that it would be best if he left."
There was a long moment of stunned silence, and then Aeryn said, "How could I be avoiding him? I haven't left my quarters. He's the one doing the avoiding. As for it being his fault, I thought we cleared that up when we talked that night. I never blamed him. I told him so."
"Aeryn, wait a moment," Zhaan said urgently. "Pilot, what was that about Crichton wanting to leave?"
"He wants me to find an uninhabited world. Somewhere he won't endanger anyone. He feels that his presence on Moya is putting all of us at risk, that we would be safer if he were gone."
Rygel entered the conversation. "Pilot, that can't be right. He must have used one of those strange sayings of his. He is always talking about going home. How can he go home if he leaves Moya?"
"Yes, you had to have misunderstood him," D'Argo agreed. "Crichton would never deliberately do anything that would keep him from finding his home."
"Everyone, please be quiet," interrupted Zhaan firmly. "Pilot, continue."
"As I said," Pilot began patiently, "I feel that the lack of sleep is affecting his judgement. When I commented that if he left us he would not find his home, he said that he had 'realized that the desire to find Earth is just a foolish waste of time'. I believe that if he could only sleep without having the dream, he would be alright."
"What dream, Pilot?"
"He said that every time he goes to sleep he dreams about seeing Officer Sun being hurt. That is why he has slept so little each night, once he wakes up he's afraid to go to sleep and dream again. He feels responsible for Officer Sun's injury because it was his plan that brought the PeaceKeepers aboard Moya."
"I should have realized that this might happen. When John and I shared unity I discovered that he is a man of great depth and feeling. His constant joking is a barrier that he uses to protect himself." Zhaan considered a moment, then continued, "John is a social being, the way that he is isolating himself proves that he is not thinking clearly. We must find a way to get him involved, something that will show him that we do value and need him."
"Well I think," Chiana began, but was interrupted by Rygel saying "Why don't you just do that unity thing with him again, straighten him out that way. Just go into his head and tell him to cheer up."
"No, Rygel, it doesn't work that way. I could never force my thoughts on John in that fashion. Besides, that wouldn't accomplish anything, the problem would still be there, just buried."
"If you ask me," Chiana began again, but was, this time, interrupted by D'Argo saying "Pilot, what about you asking for his help repairing the DRDs? That could get him occupied on something other than his ship."
"He has already fixed all of the DRDs. If some were suddenly broken again he would become suspicious. He would know that I was inventing reasons to keep him from leaving."
"EXCUSE ME", interjected Chiana loudly. All of the others stopped and looked at her. "Now that I have your attention, there is only one way to get to Crichton. Tell him that something is wrong with her." She pointed to Aeryn.
"I know that Chiana, but I don't what to cause John more distress" Zhaan said. "If we tell him that Aeryn has had a relapse, or something along those lines, he will only retreat further into his feelings of guilt."
"What do you mean, that I'm the only way to get to Crichton" Aeryn questioned incredulously. The others turned and looked at her in silence. "Why are you all looking at me like that?" she said, starting to get angry.
Zhaan said soothingly, "I asked John once why he was always so concerned about your safety and he told me that it was a custom on his world that when you saved someone's life you became responsible for them. Your well-being is a matter of honor to John."
"Officer Sun."
"Yes, Pilot."
"Could you please assist me in my chamber?"
"On my way." Aeryn left the room without another comment.
Chiana looked around at the others and said, "She has no idea."
Rygel snorted, "He's just as bad."
"No," D'Argo said quietly, "Crichton is aware of his feelings for her, that is the cause of his current problem. Chiana is right, he must be made to feel that Aeryn needs his help, or this will not work."
Pilot said hurriedly "I will endeavor to keep Officer Sun occupied until you decide how to deal with Crichton."
"Thank you, Pilot" Zhaan said. "Well, what are we going to do? How do we get John involved again?"
*****
Aeryn walked briskly into Pilot's chamber, then wincing slightly, slowed down. "It's alright Pilot, you don't need to invent something for me to do. I know you asked me down here so that the others could talk about John, but he's my friend as well. I want to help him too."
"Officer Sun," Pilot began slowly, "That was one of the reasons I asked you down here. The other was I wanted to see if you are truly feeling better. I know in the past you have made light of being injured. I was surprised that you allowed Zhaan to keep you in your quarters for so long."
"Those were minor injuries only Pilot. PeaceKeepers are trained to withstand a great deal of pain, so that minor injuries will not affect us during battles. But we are also trained to recognize the wisdom of complete rest when we suffer a serious injury. The more complete the rest, the quicker we heal and can be of value to our unit. Since I am one of only two real fighters on board Moya, it was important that I take the time to heal properly.
"If that is how you feel, perhaps Crichton has reason to doubt that he belongs here," Pilot said somberly. "You think that he cannot help defend Moya, that he is useless during battles."
"No, Pilot, you misunderstand me. I just meant that John is not trained as a fighter. His first instincts are to find a non-combative solution to a problem. When there is no other way he will fight, but because he has not been trained, his skills are limited. It is the same with Zhaan, she will defend Moya as best she can, but she is not a trained fighter. The one time John tried to use a pulse rifle, he set it on overload and almost killed himself."
"I feel that you are being too hard on Crichton. In that instance you expected him to be your backup, but you didn't instruct him on how to use the weapon. Then when something went wrong, you belittled him." Pilot continued sternly, "You say that you don't blame him for your injury, but even knowing that he blames himself, you have made no effort to speak with him since the incident. Saying that he was the one doing the avoiding just because you could not physically leave your room is putting him in the wrong again."
"But Pilot....."
"No Officer Sun, let me finish. In the past few nights I have learned a lot about Crichton. He is a very lonely man, lost, with no way of finding his home. He needs companionship, but all of you push him away. The time they spent as prisoners made Zhaan, D'Argo and Rygel into solitary beings, depending only on themselves for survival. Chiana's behavior also indicates that she has spent most of her life alone. They are beginning to change, but there are times when they still find it hard to reach out to another for companionship."
"You, however, are accustomed to being with others. You are rejecting Crichton solely because he is not Sebacean. Being kept at a distance by the others is hard enough, but because you look human, your rejection affects him more." Pilot paused to give her a chance to respond, but Aeryn just stared at him with pain in her eyes. "I'm sorry that I am hurting you Officer Sun, but you must be made aware of how much Crichton needs you to help him."
"Now you are sounding like Chiana, saying that I am the only one that can get through to him. That's just not true. John cares about all of us. He risked possible brain damage or even death to help Zhaan. He put on that gauntlet to rescue Rygel, even though he was afraid of how it might change him." Aeryn paced back and forth in front of Pilot restlessly. "He allowed himself to be physically attacked by D'Argo to help him regain his memories. He even defends Chiana when she gets into trouble, so how can all of you say that I am the only one he cares about?" She stopped moving, and with a grimace held her hand against her side.
"As I said before, it is because you look like his people that he connects with you more. The others are obviously alien, so he can care, but maintain a distance." Pilot paused, then asked in concern, "Officer Sun, are you sure you are well enough to be out of bed?"
"Yes, I'm fine Pilot. I just need to start my exercise program again. Once I start using the muscles, they will loosen and the pain will ease. The difficulty will be choosing which exercises I can do to strengthen my muscles without harming the injured ones. This has never been a problem before, our physicians would tell us which exercises were appropriate for an injury. I hope Zhaan can give me some guidance in this area."
Pilot raised his head, eyes glittering with excitement. "Zhaan" he called into the com system, "I believe we may have the solution to our problem."
Onto part two
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