Back to Acts one and two


Act III, Scene 1
Mess Hall

Narrator:  "Ichabod spent as much time with Aeryn Van Tassel as possible. They discussed everything about Ichabod's life prior to his arrival in Moya Hollow, which Aeryn found fascinating.  In turn, she found her dreams and goals expanding to include the world beyond Moya Hollow and its citizens. Frustrated by her father's inability to understand or appreciate her newfound independence, she frequently sought out the company of the human Tech in order to discuss her exciting new thoughts."

Aeryn and Crichton stand near the wall of the room, well away from the crowd that has gathered for lunch.  They are deep in conversation.  Little Blue circles their feet, chittering softly.  Crichton takes a step back and almost trips over the DRD as it passes behind them, earning a stream of critical clicks and whistles.

Crichton:  "Whoa, there, fella.  Sorry, I didn't see you there."

Little Blue gives Crichton the DRD-equivalent of a disgusted glare and moves closer to Aeryn.

Crichton:  "Yeah, you're right, I should know better.  You're *always* around.  What are you, Pilot's virtual chaperon?"

The DRD whirs indignantly, then turns its back on the couple.  Aeryn smothers a giggle.

Aeryn:  "He's just protective of me, that's all."

Crichton:  "I don't think he likes me very much.  But then, I don't think your father likes me all that much, either."

Aeryn:  "At the moment, I don't know that he likes *me* that much.  I've been a Pilot's daughter all my life.  It's in my genes.  But he doesn't understand that now I have dreams of doing different things; of being more than just a Pilot's daughter."

Crichton:  "Well, you can."

Aeryn < curiously >:  "I can what?"

Crichton:  "You can be more."

Aeryn thinks for a moment, looking thoughtful but a bit confused.  After a moment Larraq approaches and offers his arm to Aeryn.  She takes it, smiling and waving goodbye to Crichton.  Larraq smirks; Crichton scowls.

*****

Act III, Scene 2
Main Hall

Narrator:  "As the days passed, Aeryn became more and more frustrated with her father.  She turned to Larraq for support; however, she soon realized that his plans for her future were just as limiting."

Larraq and Aeryn amble casually through Moya's halls.

Larraq:  "I don't want to stay here forever, either.  You know I want to be a Commando - make a name for myself.  You should come with me.  You could do it, you know.  You're being wasted here...You're wasting yourself here."

Aeryn < ecstatic >:  "Yes!  That's exactly what I've been trying to tell my father!  He just doesn't understand that I want to leave this place, be my own person."

Larraq < interrupting >:  "Yeah, that's it!  You should come with me, and be part of my team."

Aeryn:  "I don't know.  I'm not sure I want to be under someone's command all my life, always taking orders.  I have my own dreams, you know."

Larraq:  "What do you mean?  That's absurd.  What else would you want to be?"

Aeryn < frustrated >:  "Someone once told me I could be more... I think he might be right."

Larraq < puzzled >:  "More than what?"

Aeryn rolls her eyes and yanks her hand from Larraq's arm.

Aeryn:  "That's it.  You're as bad as my father.  You don't understand.  You never will.  Goodbye, Larraq."

Larraq watches, open-mouthed, as Aeryn storms off down the hall.  His eyes narrow as he realizes the source of Aeryn's enlightened thoughts.

Larraq:  "Crichton..."

Narrator:  "Of course, Ichabod Crichton was more than happy to hear of the couple's split, and he soon began courting Aeryn Van Tassel."

*****

Act III, Scene 3
Terrace

Aeryn and Crichton stroll slowly around the Terrace, arm in arm.  They gaze at the stars, stopping frequently to converse.  Little Blue watches warily from the doorway.

Aeryn:  "There is so much I want to do.  Larraq says that I should be a grunt.  But I've found that I enjoy using my mind to solve problems, too, and I don't think I want to give that up."

Crichton < wisely >:  "Well, as they say, a mind is a terrible thing to waste."

Aeryn < confused >:  "They?  They who?"

Crichton:  "Never mind."

Aeryn:  "Whose mind?"

Crichton:  "No one's mind - look, just forget it."

Narrator < shaking his head in frustration >:  "Well, so much for the written script..."

Aeryn < whispering to Crichton >:  "Who *is* that guy?"

Crichton < shrugs >:  "Beats me."

Aeryn:  "He beats you?  Why?  What did you do to him?"

Crichton:  "What?  I didn't do anything!  I meant - "

Aeryn and Crichton exit, still arguing.

*****

Act III, Scene 4
Pilot's Chambers

Crichton lounges against Pilot's console, watching him work.  The room is teeming with DRDs, who maneuver efficiently along the various pathways.  One DRD, however, hovers under the edge of Pilot's console, just out of Crichton's sight.  When it peeks its eyestalks around the corner, a flash of blue electrical tape is visible.

Pilot:  "Well, Crichton, I must say that I have seen quite a change in my beloved daughter in the last few weekens.  All of this 'I can be more' nonsense."  He pauses, pinning Crichton with his gaze.  "She says you gave her the idea."

Crichton < pleased >:  "Really?  She was actually listening to me when I said that?"

Pilot: "Yes, and I can't say I'm happy about it.  Not at all.  You know, as a Pilot, I have an entire Leviathan under my control.  This affords me a certain level of... honor amongst the people of this town.  As the husband of a Pilot's daughter, there would be a considerable amount of prestige associated with such a title..."  He sighs dramatically.  "But of course, if Aeryn persists with these fanciful thoughts, and if you actually *encouraged* such nonsense...  I'm afraid I would not be able to give my blessing to a marriage under such circumstances."

Crichton < conspiratorially >:  "Well, sir, to be quite honest... I don't fully understand your daughter's unrealistic ambitions, myself.  I mean, really, what more could she want from life than a loving family, a large home, and prestige in the community?  Let's face it, sir, these are simply the frivolous dreams of a young, naive girl.  Once we are married and she has graced you with one or two... or three, or maybe four... grandchildren, I'm sure she will forego these trivial notions."

Pilot bobs his head in agreement.

Pilot:  "Trivial.  Yes, yes indeed.  That is exactly what I mean."

As the conversation continues, a group of DRDs pass by the console.  Little Blue joins them.  As they pass into the hall, it swivels away from the rest of the group, heading quickly towards Aeryn Van Tassel's quarters.

*****

Act III, Scene 5
Mess Hall

Narrator:  "Food cubes and conversation flowed freely through the town center, where most of Moya's inhabitants had gathered for their afternoon meal.  A sense of excitement filled the air, but Ichabod Crichton was unaware of its source."

Deftly avoiding the roaming DRDs, Chiana slinks through the crowd and sidles up to Crichton, handing him a fancy scroll.

Chiana:  "Here ya go."

Crichton:  "What's this?"

Chiana < shrugging >:  "I don't know.  Looks like the Van Tassel's are having another one of their big get-togethers, and *you're* invited.  Need a date?"

She waggles her eyebrows at him as he tears open the scroll.

Crichton < ignoring her >:  "Woo-hoo!  Par-tay!  BYOB, I assume?"

Overhearing him, the nearby townspeople look at him, confused.  The Narrator shakes his head in frustration, seriously looking as if he needs a stiff drink.

Crichton < defensively >:  "Well, it *says* I'm supposed to be excited..."

*****

Act IV, Scene 1
Terrace

The sounds of the party filter through the open doorway.  Larraq stands anxiously in the middle of the floor.  Periodically, someone walks by on their way to the gala.

Narrator:  "Larraq Van Brundt, sensing that Aeryn Van Tassel was becoming infatuated with Ichabod Crichton, made one last effort to win back his beloved.  Little did he know that Aeryn had seriously reconsidered any future involvement with the human after receiving the details of Crichton's conversation with her father from her faithful DRD, Little Blue."

Aeryn finally arrives on the Terrace.  Little Blue follows closely.

Aeryn:  "You wanted to see me?"

Larraq < desperately >:  "Aeryn...  What's going on?  It's like this Tech guy has cast a spell over you or something.  You're acting like you're actually attracted to him!"

Aeryn < defensively >:  "So what if I am?  It's not like he's going to contaminate me or something."

Larraq:  "But... he doesn't *know* you like I do.  He can't understand you. He's not a soldier - he's not even a Sebacean!  You'd never be happy with him.  Not like you would with me."

Aeryn:  "What makes you think I would be happy with you?  You're the one who didn't understand when I said I wanted to be more than just a grunt.  You're the one who wanted me to stay in your shadow forever.  You're the one  - "

Larraq < interrupting >:  "Okay, okay, I get the point.  But what does he have that I don't?"

Aeryn sits silently for a moment, then sighs.

Aeryn:  "After what I heard the other night - nothing.  He's just as bad as you are.  He doesn't want me to be my own person, either.  At least you appreciated me for what I was, not for what my father had to offer."

Little Blue whirs sympathetically.  Larraq starts to look hopeful.

Larraq:  "So...does that mean you're not really attracted to him?"

Aeryn:  "I admit - in the beginning, I found him...interesting."

Larraq < amazed >:  "Crichton?"

Aeryn:  "Yes, but only for a moment."  She pauses as Little Blue admonishes her with a few beeps.  "Well, maybe a little more than a moment...  All right, fine, a *lot* more than a moment!"  She glares at the now-silent DRD. "But I think I was attracted more to the idea he represented.  The kind of life I want - that I thought *he* wanted, too, at least until yesterday." She sighs.  "Besides, he *is* a little strange..."

Larraq < mocking Crichton >:  "Hey, gorgeous.  What's up?  You know, that PK-dude just doesn't cut it.  I'm a brilliant scientist from Erp, you know. How about we get hitched?"

Aeryn :  "You *do* sound like Crichton - I didn't understand a word you just said!"

Aeryn and Larraq laugh.  Little Blue waves his eyestalks.

Larraq:  "Remember that incident with the Crais doll?  I don't think I've ever seen anything so pathetic!"

Aeryn < suddenly pensive >:  "He wouldn't make a very good Commando, would he?"

Larraq :  "No, definitely not.  But you would.  Commandos get to travel all over the universe, you know.  If you give me another chance...I guess you wouldn't always have to take orders from me.  We could probably both be Captains."

Aeryn just stares at him.  Larraq starts to squirm.

Larraq:  "Umm, well...  Maybe you could be the Captain."

Aeryn:  "I think you're finally beginning to understand, Larraq."  She smiles.  "I'm going to go inside.  Are you coming?"

Larraq < smiling back >:  "Go ahead, I'll be in later.  I have some things I have to take care of."

Aeryn leaves, but Little Blue remains behind.  Larraq looks down at it, checks to make sure that Aeryn is out of sight, then makes a face at the DRD.  It lets loose with a barrage of furious beeps and whistles.

Larraq:  "Yeah, well, I never liked you, either.  Deal with it, it's in the script."

*****

Act IV, Scene 2
Cargo Bay

Narrator:  "The Van Tassel Gala was a roaring success.  Dancing, food, music - all of the ingredients for a grand party.  However, the most popular aspect of the Van Tassel events was always the storytelling..."

Crichton, looking a bit uncomfortable, sits politely on the bench next to Chiana, furtively scooting farther and farther to the opposite end as she talks.  Aeryn sits stiffly on a chair next to him.  The Van Tassels, as well as the Superintendent, are also in the room.

Chiana < seductively >: "It'll be a great time, I promise...  But just remember, it'll be after midnight, so don't come through Tier 12."

Crichton < grateful for the change of subject >:  "Why not?"

Chiana:  "Well, you don't want to risk meeting the Headless Luxan, do you?"

Crichton:  "The *what*?"

Chiana < laughing >:  "They haven't told you?  They told *me* about it..."

Pilot < interrupting >:  "Zhaan, do tell Mr. Crichton the story.  You tell it so well."

Zhaan < nodding sagely >:  "Very well.  Cycles ago, when we were fighting the Sealgarians, we managed to convince a Luxan to join our cause.  He lived on Tier 12 for a while, gathering a small force of convict fighters.  When the next transport arrived, they bravely went off to fight for our freedom." She pauses dramatically for effect.  "Just as they met the enemy, there was a whining sound.  Some welnitz had overloaded a pulse rifle, and the -"

Crichton:  "You are *never* going to let me forget that, are you???"

Aeryn:  "Not in this lifetime."

Narrator:  "Please, no more ad-libbing!"

The Narrator is beginning to look as if he's *had* a stiff drink....

Zhaan < glaring >: " - *and* the resulting explosion blew the Luxan's head right off his shoulders!  But the Luxan did not fall.  He continued to surge forward, swinging his Qualta Blade mightily as he led his followers to victory.  And since that day, his spirit has haunted Tier 12, looking for his head and the nurfer who was responsible."

There is an awkward moment of silence.  The cast looks expectantly at the Narrator, who is surreptitiously tucking what looks like a small flask back into his jacket pocket.  He jumps slightly as he realizes they are watching him.

Narrator < petulantly >:  "If I were Union, I wouldn't have to go through this crap..."

They glare, and the Narrator sighs heavily, then thumbs through his thick script.

Narrator:  "Let's see, where were we.  Oh yes, of course.  One night while on a routine maintenance check, DRD #73A261909L mistakenly went down Tier 12 in an effort to quickly reach a door Pilot had requested it fix.  It should have known better, but alas, the inevitable occurred.  DRD #73A261909L met the Headless Luxan, and as you all know, the Headless Luxan *never* takes prisoners.  Once word leaks out that a Luxan has gone soft, people begin to disobey him and it's nothing but work, work, work, all the time...

Aeryn < suddenly speaking with a very British accent >:  "You mock my pain!"

She claps a startled hand over her mouth while the rest of the crew looks at her, amazed.

Narrator:  "Life *is* pain, highness!  Anyone who says differently is...oh, wait...wrong story."  He flips back a few pages.  "Ah, yes, here we are." The Narrator clears his throat and continues.  "...and as you all know, the Headless Luxan has *always* hated DRDs.  That night, DRD #73A261909L was his unlucky victim.  The townspeople hid in their quarters, listening with dread.  All night long, the ship reverberated with terrible screeches as DRD #73A26... oh, this is ridiculous!  I need a name.  Bob.  We'll call him Bob."  He scribbles on the script.  "...as Bob the DRD scuttled up and down the main hallway.  His remains were found the next morning, crushed against one of the walls near the Luxan's old quarters.  Alas, the damage was too much for even Pilot Van Tassel to fix.  From what the townspeople could determine, the Headless Luxan attempted to use Bob as his head, and found him... unsatisfactory."

Rygel, Pilot, and Zhaan shake their heads sadly.

Pilot:  "Bob was a good DRD.  One of the best."

Zhaan:  "This just serves as a reminder that we are all to avoid Tier 12."

Larraq < gesturing to Crichton >:  "Hey, you!  Crichton.  You're not *upset* by this story, are you?"

Crichton, who is indeed looking a bit unsettled by the whole tale, glances up to see most of the townspeople watching him closely.

Crichton:  "No, no, I'm fine.  Just a local superstition to scare the children, I'm sure.  Rather like our boogey-man."

Aeryn:  "You tell children stories about dancing men to frighten them?  You *are* the most biza - "

Crichton < irritated >: "Yeah, yeah, I know.  We all know.  Can we just skip that part, already?"

*****

Act IV, Scene 3
Terrace

Aeryn and Crichton stand in the middle of the Terrace.  Her arms are crossed over her chest, and she looks perturbed.  Little Blue sits protectively by her side, his laser pulse pointed directly at Crichton.  Crichton looks worried.

Crichton:  "So.  What's wrong?"

Aeryn:  "I heard what you said to my father.  I know that you want me to be nothing more than a Pilot's daughter and a Tech's wife.  You gave me the idea to be more, but you didn't *really* want me to.  Well, tough, because that's what I've decided to do.  And that means I plan on being a lot more than what you have to offer."

Crichton < sputtering >:  "But...but...  I didn't *mean* it that way, really, I was just trying to get your father to - "

Aeryn:  "I don't want to hear it.  We're through, human.  You're a lying scumbag.  And a wuss."

Crichton < amazed >:  "A scumbag?  A *wuss*?  Where did you learn that?  Who taught you those words?  It wasn't your dead ex-boyfriend, that's for sure." Throwing his hands up in the air, he stalks around the Terrace.  "Sheesh.  I can't believe you called me a wuss."

Aeryn:  "At least my dead - at least *Larraq* isn't a wuss.  But you are, Ichabod Crichton, and I have no time for a wuss."

Crichton < offended >:  "I am *not* a wuss!"

Aeryn:  "Are too!"

Crichton:  "Am not!"

Aeryn:  "Are too!"

Crichton:  "Am not am not am not!"

Narrator < finally losing his temper >:  "ENOUGH, ALREADY!!!!!  JUST FOLLOW THE FRELLING SCRIPT!!!"

Aeryn and Crichton both look at him, startled.  They glance at each other nervously, then continue.

Crichton:  "I'll prove I'm not a wuss."

Aeryn < disgusted >:  "How?"

Crichton looks startled, then desperately tries to come up with something.

Crichton:  "Ummm...  When I go home tonight, I'll go through Tier 12. Alone.  It's already after midnight."

Aeryn raises a disbelieving eyebrow.

Aeryn:  "Yeah, right."

Crichton < defiantly >:  "I will!  You just wait and see."

Aeryn:  "Tell the Headless Luxan 'hi' for me."

Crichton:  "I'm not afraid of the Headless Luxan."

Aeryn:  "You should be."

Crichton:  "Yeah, well, you'll miss me when I'm gone."

Aeryn < sniffing >:  "Hardly."

Aeryn turns and flounces out of the Terrace, her boots clomping in her wake. Crichton stares after her, then straightens his jacket and strides purposefully towards Tier 12.

Crichton:  "Am *not*...."

*****

Act IV, Scene 4
Tier 12

Narrator:  "Ichabod Crichton quickly regretted his brash words.  He slowly entered Tier 12, hesitantly moving forward through the dark, shadowy halls. His nervousness grew as a low fog began to swirl around his feet."

Crichton < muttering to himself >:  "Where did we find a fog machine out here?"

Narrator < glaring >:  "However, he was determined to prove himself to Aeryn Van Tassel."  He pauses for a moment, then gasps dramatically.  "Suddenly, out of nowhere, a towering figure emerged!  It's - the Headless Luxan!"

Startled, Crichton stops, squinting into the fog.  His eyes widen, and with a small yelp of panic, he turns and starts to run.  The huge creature lumbers down the hall after him.  Crichton winds his way through the halls, the Headless Luxan gaining on him with every step.  Just as the Headless Luxan closes in on Crichton, a stray DRD darts out of an adjoining hall. The Headless Luxan goes down with a resounding *thud* and a vile curse. Crichton turns back, then slowly approaches the inert body, sidestepping the motionless DRD.

Narrator:  "Crichton closely examined the creature, noting his ill-fitting clothes and the strange texture of his skin.  In a moment of bravery, he reached up and yanked on the cloak draped around the Headless Luxan's shoulders."

Crichton pulls, and the cloak opens to reveal the face of Larraq Van Brundt. Furious, Crichton picks up the stunned DRD and waves it in Larraq's general direction.

Crichton < triumphantly >:  "Ha!  Ha, ha, *ha*!  Not so tough now, are you?? That'll teach you to hit on my woman, you big bad Peacekeeper!  Do you think I was actually *afraid* of you, Buggy Boy??"

As Crichton continues to yell at Larraq's unconscious form, the Narrator throws up his arms in defeat.

With a victorious laugh, Crichton turns -

Narrator:  " - only to find himself face to face with the *real* Headless Luxan! The ghostly image shimmered before him, and Crichton realized he could see straight through him."

With a surprised cry, Crichton chucks the DRD at the Headless Luxan and runs screaming down the hall.  The Headless Luxan picks up the DRD and places it on his shoulders.  The DRD reaches down and anchors itself on the rings protruding from the Luxan's chest, its eyestalks waving wildly.

Narrator:  "Ghostly laughter filled Moya's halls as the Luxan drew his Qualta blade and started after the unfortunate Ichabod Crichton."

The Headless Luxan trots off down the hall, his haunting laughter echoing behind him.

*****

Act V, Scene 1
Main Hall

Narrator:  "Alas, poor Ichabod Crichton was never heard from again, no body was ever found, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.  Whatever.  A short time later, the townsfolk gathered to decide what to do with his belongings."

Rygel:  "Is anyone owed anything by the departed human?  No?  Then I claim everything for myself.  Now go home."

With a murmur, the crowd departs.  Aeryn's hand is once again tucked in the crook of Larraq's arm.

Narrator:  "And so ends the sad, tragic tale of Ichabod Crichton.  The End." He slams the script closed.  "Finally.  I *never* thought we were going to get through this mess.  I have never, ever had to work with such unprof - "

The Narrator's tirade is interrupted by a not-so-discrete cough from backstage.  With a sigh, the Narrator moves to the side and sweeps his arm in the general direction of the main hall.

Narrator:  "So let's have a hand for our wonderful cast!"

Chiana enters, followed closely by D'Argo, who has a DRD tucked under his arm.  They both wave enthusiastically and cross to stand at the edge of the stage.  They grasp hands.

After a moment, Zhaan walks on-stage and takes her place under Pilot's image, which has appeared on the opposite side of the stage.  They both wave.

Rygel, arms raised to meet the exaltations of his adoring subjects, hovers his way on-stage.  After a moment, he sighs, drops his arms, and makes his way over to Chiana.  She extends her free hand, and with another huge sigh, he takes it.

Aeryn and Larraq enter, holding hands.  Little Blue follows.  They bow deeply, then move to complete the line, Aeryn taking Zhaan's hand and Larraq grimacing as he gingerly takes Rygel's.

Finally Crichton enters from the side, bowing and waving as he crosses to stand in front of his crewmates.  After a moment he steps back to take his place in line.  Larraq and Rygel move apart to make room for him.  Instead, Crichton swerves to the side and shoves his way between Aeryn and Larraq. There is a slight scuffle as both men vie for position, but in the end, Crichton stands victoriously between them, holding Aeryn's hand firmly in his own.  Little Blue stands protectively in front of Crichton and Aeryn, his laser pulse now leveled at Larraq.

Larraq < glowering >:  "But *I'm* supposed to get the girl."

Crichton < smirking >:  "Not this time, bud.  Show's over."

The entire cast bows.

Narrator < muttering darkly >: "Never again.  Never, *never* again."

The music fades, and the lights fade to black.  The curtain closes.

< Sarah ducks and runs for cover >

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