by Sarah Wait
Feedback: Straightjackets and/or recommendations of mental evaluation will be seriously considered. ;) Anything else? Just be polite and I'll be happy.
Summary: The crew of Moya has agreed - albeit reluctantly - to participate in a theatrical production of "The Legend of Moya Hollow".
Rating: Let's say PG, although that's probably harsh.
Timeline: After 'A Bug's Life', definitely. Nothing specific other than that.
Spoilers: Season 1, through ABL
Archive: If you want it, it's yours - just keep my name and e-mail with it. And if you'd let me know where it's at, I'd love to come visit. :)
Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Farscape" belong to the Jim Henson Company, Rockne S. O'Bannon, the Sci-Fi Channel, Hallmark Entertainment, Nine Network Australia, and the actors who bring the characters to life. They have been borrowed with love, but not permission. "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" doesn't belong to me, either. However, the Narrator is mine, mine, mine.
Author's Notes - I am blaming the idea for this one not only on the lack of sleep, but specifically on a couple of individuals.
#1 - Brian Henson. There's the whole Farscape thing, yes. But, I saw The Legend of Sleepy Hollow (the tv version) twice in four days. The Odyssey Channel - a Hallmark & *Henson* Network. It's his fault.
#2 - Becca. She mentioned "Halloween" and "Farscape" in the same sentence. (See, Becca, I told you my Muse would show up in response to that one.) I got even with her, though, 'cause I made her beta it for me. :)
Thanks to Natalie and Adele for their help, as well.
Copyright Sarah Wait, January 2000
*****
Prologue: The crew of Moya has agreed - albeit reluctantly - to participate in a theatrical production of "The Legend of Moya Hollow".
*****
Act I, Scene 1
Main Hall
The curtain rises to reveal a familiar hall in Moya. A tall man in a long black coat enters, moving to stand at a small podium off to the side of the 'stage'. Rygel hovers nearby.
Narrator: "Our story begins in the farthest reaches of the Uncharted Territories. Many cycles ago, - "
Rygel: "Who the frell are you?"
Narrator < offended >: "*I* am the *Narrator*. And you are?"
Rygel
Narrator: "You're not even in this part of the scene. Go on, scoot. Get out of here."
Rygel zooms off in a huff. The Narrator begins again.
Narrator: "Ahem. Many cycles ago, a newcomer arrived in Moya Hollow. A scholarly fellow, he stood out among the natives."
John Crichton enters, tugging self-consciously at his knickers.
Crichton: "Man, I don't *believe* this..."
Narrator: "The townsfolk, naturally, were curious about this strange addition to their town." He pauses expectantly. "I said, the *townsfolk*..."
Chiana enters, rolling her eyes.
Chiana: "Yeah, yeah, I'm here. Hey, stranger, who are you?"
Crichton: "My name is Ichabod Crichton. I am here to apply for the position of Tech."
Chiana: "Sure, whatever. You need to go talk with Toad - I mean, the Superintendent. He's over there."
She waves her arm towards a nearby cell, then exits.
Crichton starts towards the cell, but on the way, he is distracted by noises coming from a large room nearby. It sounds as if someone is working on a ship. Deciding to check it out, he knocks politely. The door opens, and Crichton immediately scowls at the person inside.
Crichton: "What are *you* doing here? You're dead."
Larraq < smirking victoriously >: "Well, as they say, the show *must* go on. They needed someone to play the beautiful Aeryn Van Tassel's true love - so here I am."
Crichton < scowling even more >: "Why you? And just where did they find you, anyway?"
Larraq < shrugs >: "Bali."
The two men square off.
Narrator < stepping between Crichton and Larraq >: "Gentlemen, can we *please* continue?"
Crichton backs out of the room and slams his hand against the door mechanism. Resolving to make the best of a bad situation, he moves down the hall and takes out his remaining frustration on the crossbar of the Superintendent's door.
Rygel finally answers, a large Colonial-style hat perched jauntily atop his head and the last bit of a food cube in his hand. Unfortunately, the hat is a bit too large, and it continues to fall over his eyes.
Rygel: "What do you want?"
Crichton: "I have been told that you are looking for a Tech, sir. My name is Ichabod Crichton, and I believe I can more than adequately fill the position."
Rygel < pushing at hat >: "Hmmph. Do you know anything?"
Crichton: "I am well-schooled in Physics, Aerodynamics, Theoretical - "
Rygel: "Yes, that's nice. You're hired. But I'm not paying you much, and if you eat too many food cubes, you're fired."
Crichton: "Why, thank you. I will happily work for room and board. It will be an honor to share my knowledge with the delightful townspeople - "
Rygel waves his hand disinterestedly, thus causing his hat to fall down once more. Annoyed, he pulls it off and uses it to gesture at a nearby door.
Rygel: "Yes, yes, I'm sure. That's your cell over there. Crichton, was it? Well, you'd better not snore."
Crichton bows respectfully as Rygel retreats into his cell, then continues across the hall to examine his new home.
*****
Act II, Scene 1
Docking Bay
Crichton stands next to Zhaan below Pilot's image. Zhaan wears an elaborate Colonial dress, while Pilot has a dark cloak draped around his shoulders. They are all looking impatiently at the door. Suddenly there is an angry shriek, and a woman they recognize as the Wardrobe Supervisor stalks off down the hall. They exchange a confused look and a few moments later, Aeryn enters the room, followed closely by a DRD. The DRD turns and waves its eyestalks happily at Crichton, who grins as he notices a familiar strip of blue electrical tape. However, his attention quickly returns to Aeryn.
Aeryn: "Sorry I'm late, Mother."
Zhaan smiles serenely, while Crichton ogles Aeryn's low-cut bodice. She shifts her weight and he smothers a chuckle as he notices her heavy PK boots sticking out from beneath the hem of her skirt.
Zhaan: "Ichabod, this is my daughter, Aeryn Van Tassel, and her DRD, Little Blue. Aeryn, dear, this is our new Tech, Ichabod Crichton. He has volunteered to teach us all about Primitive Technology."
Aeryn < smiling unenthusiastically >: "Isn't that nice. Can we go now?"
Zhaan shrugs as Aeryn moves to the Transport Pod. Crichton watches, enthralled.
Aeryn: "Hello, Father!"
Pilot < waving >: "Ah - hello, dear!"
Aeryn leans over (exposing quite a bit of bare leg in the process, which in turn causes Crichton's eyes to bug out amusingly) and picks up Little Blue, placing it in the Transport Pod. Crichton watches until she disappears through the hatch, then turns to Zhaan.
Crichton < shaking head briefly >: "I'm sorry, did you say something?"
*****
Act II, Scene 2
Pilot's Chambers
Narrator: "Over the next several weekens, Ichabod Crichton schooled the people of the village in the intricacies of primitive technology."
Crichton < offstage >: " 'Primitive technology?' That is *so* unfair!"
Narrator < ignoring him >: "He took special interest in the beautiful Aeryn Van Tassel, of course. The lessons progressed quite smoothly, and as time went by, Aeryn Van Tassel came to find Crichton a very interesting individual. They became friends. This of course irritated her beau, Larraq Van Brundt, to no end. Zhaan Van Tassel approved very much of her daughter's interest in the newcomer; however, Pilot Van Tassel was less than impressed."
Pilot: "Larraq! Larraq Van Brundt, come talk to me for a moment."
Larraq: "Yes, sir?"
Pilot: "You know my daughter. You know what she's like, what kind of woman she is... you *understand* her. What do you think of her hanging around this Crichton creature?"
Larraq < trying to look remorseful >: "I can't say I approve, sir. At one time Miss Aeryn and I had talked of marriage, with your permission of course."
Pilot: "Of course! So you understand that I don't like having that Tech near my daughter."
Larraq < smiling evilly >: "You have nothing to worry about, sir. Trust me..."
*****
Act II, Scene 3
Main Hall
Narrator: "However, neither... man... had much to say in the matter, as Aeryn and Ichabod began spending time together at social functions, getting to know each other and generally enjoying each other's company. Larraq grew more and more jealous with each passing day. He apparently meant what he told Pilot Van Tassel, as one day Ichabod Crichton came home to a horrifying sight..."
Crichton walks back to his cell, talking with a few of the townspeople lingering in the hall. Exhausted from his day, he slowly opens the door, only to find a life-size blow-up doll of Bialar Crais propped up in the middle of the room.
Crichton: "Aaah! Crais! It's Crais! Everybody run!"
Bravely grabbing the first thing he can find, which happens to be a stagehand's broom, Crichton advances on 'Crais' and attempts to ward him off. He stops when he hears a giggle behind him, turning to find a small crowd has gathered. He looks suspiciously at 'Crais', then pokes him experimentally with the broom. 'Crais' lists to one side, then slowly rights himself.
Crichton: "It's a damn weeble-wobble."
Aeryn < trying not to giggle, but curious >: "Weeple-what?"
Larraq < grinning maliciously >: "Never mind, my dear Aeryn, it's obviously just more human nonsense. However, it appears we have just learned that our esteemed Tech is afraid of a mere toy."
Crichton < indignant >: "I am *not*. You have no idea what that psycho has put me through."
Larraq < shrugging >: "Whatever you say..."
Crichton: "I am *not* afraid!"
Larraq: "Are too."
Crichton: "Am not!"
Larraq: "Are too!"
Zhaan steps firmly between the men, subtly encouraging Crichton to lower the broom.
Zhaan: "Gentlemen, please. That's quite enough for one day. I think it would be best if everyone simply went home."
The crowd begins to shuffle off.
Rygel < whispering to Chiana >: "Where the yotz did they get a blow-up Crais doll, anyway?"
Larraq ushers the pair along, then looks back at Crichton.
Larraq
He turns and grabs Aeryn's hand, and they follow the crowd down the hall.
Crichton < glowering >: "Trying to drive me out of town, is he? Well, I won't go. I *won't*!"
Taking out some of his pent-up PK frustration, Crichton resumes pummeling 'Crais'. As 'Crais' finally admits defeat with a slow hissing of escaping air, the Narrator moves in to restrain Crichton, apologizing profusely to the Props Supervisor.
Read Act 3
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