| Sickris Live Journal |
Where are you going?
wherever you go you're still with you.
wheres settled and why aren't you there yet?
jumping from town to town and back to home
squatting in strange places, feeling the buzz of
alone in your ears ...
and in your heart a flicker of shame
stubborn pride keeps you moving ...
slight your pain.
Veronica said.. this is by Kris
NUMBER 10-1000 There's something wrong With my mind, With time. With what I do with THis body of mine. Oh I'm so lonely. Oh I'm so sad, But in some bitter way, I'm also glad. But I miss you. And so I walk in the Valley of Death. And so I run without any rest. And so I collapse In a panic of hate. And so I cry in the house of god. Oh I'm so lonely. Oh I'm so sad, But in some bitter way I'm also glad. But I miss you. But I miss you. They say the rain won't Fall forever. They say I'll meet someone new. But I don't want them- I want you. And I sit here feeling down. Scratching my head on This thorny crown. And so I wait, And so I cry. I tak the razor, I want to die. And so you laugh, And so I drown. And slowly I run Ragged, Down. In the Valley of Death. And I'm so lonely, And I'm so sad. But in some bitter way, I'm also glad. And I'm so lonely, And I'm so mad. And in some other way- I know I've been had. And lost. But I miss you. Why do you make me Feel this way? Why must I sort it out? My life, Yours? Why can't I just put The candle out? I'm so lonely, and I'm so sad And I'm so happy, and I'm so mad ANd I'm so apathetic And I don't care- Why is it that We can't share? Life? And I miss you. I fucking miss you. God damn you for leaving me. GOd damn you for letting me be Alone. But I miss you. I fucking miss you. And there is still something Wrong with my mind And I still have way too much time. And so I want And so I cry And so I yearn Until I die. Each day. Alone. And so I live each day. Alone. But I miss you. But I love you. ---
might as well
MAKE IT A POEM- IT SEEMS THAT WAY ANYWAY She had tears falling down her face And tears warming her brain And she had tugged so gently on my arm Pulling me away from Everything And she was so beautiful [they were always so beautiful when they cry] And she was so Tough and Gentle at the same time I wanted to pull her into my arms and Kiss her right there But given the circumstances, And the fact that she generally never took my advances Anyway I decided to just silently get an Erection instead Out of nowhere She decided to hug me [I seem to be very hugable] And she felt me pressing up against her I saw the corners of her mouth rise And her tears stopped She looked me right into my undeserving eyes Kissed me on the cheek, and whispered "Thank you" I don't know who she left with that night "never pass out on your back" there are two pits from peaches rotten bananas in the fridge uncooked pasta collecting dust I've got rent to pay and a phone bill trash to throw away six hours to work first- a holiday but first the beer but first the beer but first the beer but first the fucking beer STATEMENTS FROM EYEWITNESSES He seemed... Such a nice-looking kid... I cannot fathom... He couldn't have done what he did... Said the crying neighbor Fretfully shredding a napkin like lust letters...
cape of good hope
I knew this girl a woman class and fire she was very beautiful just because she was this woman this fire of energy and eyes and style shimmered... Twirled and radiated burned, no ETCHED into my mind nectarizing my soul This woman this fine young girl never asked me to be anything more than I was: Wounded. I'm very aware that she's also hurt but hurt more often and deep hurt so bad that nothing hurts so bad so, Therefore everything's good She wants to show me that, I think The air bends toward her, As I eventually will she is games the atmosphere of it the art is better than the artist I don't think she understands that I understand that she understands that I'm dead She's beckoning me to an afterlife of excitement. Pulling me along until death so that it'll be more important this truely amazing woman that truely wants to be ignored. I don't think I can describe what I feel for her but the beach is in her arms the mountains are in her eyes the moon is in her kiss and she wears the sky in a ponytail. This little, soft hardass who only needs to nod in my direction to cause me to swoon who intimidates me so much by her beauty that this is the only way I know how to tell her how wonderful I think she is, And how glad I am that I know her. AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT I'm afraid Standing here in front of you saying "So" is easier than Sitting beside you-looking at eyes Tears hotly staring in my face from steam of past afraid to be afraid I'm afraid- terrified And I think if we could tell each other Our neighbor is scared, we wouldn't have to Tell each other that we're scared our hearts are Beating too quickly The bus runs too close to the train The driver knows better, but HE's got a schedule to keep Its okay- you can see the bodies as they're Mowed through the glass floor I'm afraid for my life I'm afraid for my time I worry about subtle glitches of wine My hands tingle My body fades away I'm afraid I'm an empty man wasting today I'm afraid I'm an empty man wasting today
dont read my poetry
do not read my poetry it will consume you, as it has consumed me it will trivialize your deepest tragedies, as it has mine one will build you up, one will tear you down you worthless piece of shit i know i know because i wrote i lived, and had the ego to think my life was worth living was worth reading so's yours i'd like to read you sometime it wouldn't cure my lonliness you can't compare to me i am small tiny a piece of a water droplet in the ocean i write because i'm enlightened you read because you crave enlightenment you crave a connection of some sort this is profound: you are enlightened you wish to be human most people don't ( i sure as hell don't) take comfort in it life is you already know that but, you search for some truth some yoda of understanding in whatever it is that you see that's why you're so depressed maybe that's not why maybe you can remember every vein on his dick how his pubic hair brushed up against you where his hands were- what they were doing it might keep you up at night masturbating you can feel her hands slamming your nose see the blood splosh down your face feel the words ripping you apart because you know deep in your heart that you are a horrible person and the only reason you exist is for others to know what wretchedness really is you would kill yourself- but you're afraid of rejection... is that why you're depressed? look at yourself you're closer to perfect than you think there isn't any fun out there only work toil toil toil toil toil toil bills bills bills bills bills bills shit shit shit shit shit shit oh well i can't help you i'm no connection why don't you just forget what i write i do its amazing the only thing i get inspiration from is myself and yet, i don't care to remember myself is that enlightenment? the eight ball says so well actually, it says "ALL THINGS CONSIDERED- I THINK MTV IS AQUARIAN" makes sense to me DON'T EVEN DREAM ANYMORE- MY SOUL JUST WANDERS AWAY i remember talking to her it wasn't anything bu the most inmportant topics that uselessly slip through concrete cracks of civilization we were talking about her, you see she cried it was always so dramatic when she cried he ha it down seemed like a routine maybe it was she said i'd never understand she didn't mean it she was just mean and i knew enough to change her life but what was the point she was changing mine i saw the angel thropugh the demon her bites, in hindsight, were only barks her light encircled my darkness and my scars turned out to be jut marks i just wish i couldd see her again Its that feeling, You know. That's what I'm tryin to Keep. That feling. Its finding that weed after a party And curing your headache that you wouldn't have survived With it. Its the first time you held your sibling The first time you orgasmed Holding your lover in your arms instead of fucking That feeling That feeling Throwing a grenade in a Chuck E. Cheese And mowing down the fleeing with an uzi. Not using a condom and not pulling out That feeling Beating the shit out of your biggest enemy Plunging a knife between the shoulderblades Of your closest friend That feeling, THE feeling Making love with the girl you've openly Loved for two years Fucking the love you kept inside Reaching into your pants and pulling out a twenty That feeling That glorious feeling
FRUSTRATION What to do when your vision gets all blurry when pounding starts and your throat closes up you're so alone and you've lost. Your fury blankets the parts but its not quite enough I used to be so warm and gentle sheltering floweres from harsh- pounding rain now I look through other people's lives and I realize- everyone's insane Dark is the sweet soothing my insides corroding complete my heart through this brain I laugh in the places people go to and hide remarkable faces smiling in pain I'm lost in a mirror in another mirror kaleidoscope of me staring right back I look at my feelings fading, now clearer into a picture of undefined tracks I have nothing to soothe and no- one to blame nothing to lose nothing to gain I have become my own perfect nothing I'm not sad I'm awake I might give I'll never take I've got no wants no needs no nothing I don't hate [I might complain] I only wish I could say the same about the four hundred souls inside me We might laugh we might die we might have a little white lie but the only thing we'll never do is cru [we can't be hurt tha tmuch any more] Depressed we don't think so in pain we don't think so do we do drugs- no not at all are we addicted- just to alcohol We do what needs to be done a party of thousands at a table for one...
I am a poet. Except that you have to suffer [it seems] In order to appreciate life. Though I wake into a world filled with paranoia, misery and rot- I always seem to find another that puts me in my place. I suppose I should be grateful. But it just shows me that everything I've ever felt means Nothing. I should kill myself. But I'm afraid of rejection. I like smiles. And touch. Warmth, like that of petting dog, and of dog's lick. Or cat snuggled up in a place that's way too friendly. Warmth of the soul is caressing. Romance! Honest Romance! This writer is afraid. I'm afraid to be sane, Afraid to be crazy. I ask myself all the time: What is crazy? [uncomfortable non-answers] It still irks me, even though I should let myself go. Energy takes care of itself, and we're all but small parts of the Great Cosmic Fractal. Why am I a poet? I think its because I'm not afraid to be wrong, and I think its because I have a revolving sense of priorities, and I think its because I think. So fucking hard I can't understand myself. I'm broken, and I'm holding superglue in one Hand And my wind-up winder in my other Fist And the superglue is frozen to my fingers and the winder is in the hand that's one inch too small for the hole in my back. It would be awful if I had to share a tongue with another person in my mouth, So you'd better just read! I don't know. Why does everyone else? They scare me. Okay- I'm intimidated. A lot. I knew a little boy who wanted to be a cardiologist, but one day Little Red Riding Wolf came down to grandmother's insanity and squrriled his brain away like the nut he really was. Life is. I know that. Crazy is nature's way of saying: "Hey buddy! You can't do what you think you can!" I hope I can never do what I think I can. I'll miss a lot of good people As a poet. As a poet- I miss a lot of good people. I wish. I wish I could stay in bed all day long. Naked. I'd just be naked and stuff. I'm assuming it would be good. Its amazing how happy we are to break things into smaller things. If you think about it- that seems to be life's primary function. Meaning: Take large amounts of matter, and make smaller amounts of matter. I wish I could go up to every beautiful person [50/50] and tell them that they're pretty. They're fine, er're fine, everything's fine, the world's really a perfect place. Don't be so nervous. Don't be so refined. So serious. So stifled. Yeah... It might help them. But then- I could be myself. Lying naked in my bed [maybe with roses] Just a little triangle Making up a bigger triangle Spinning in the mad, madm dancing kaleidoscopic warmth. LIQUID SON You ask me to sing a melody This journey man is me AndI sing a song of sadness Of my life as a dog There is no use looking at me Through my soupy fog So my time is short for me, my friends My time is in my hands I've got to stop this madness I've got to find strange lands So sing me a song of happiness Of love that never lied And I'll show you a liar And a love that's destined to die Let the journey be over for me Let the journeyman lie For my time is but a moment Of the hour called son I'm singing a song of hatred Hatred never dies And every day, every day it grows stronger It pull power from my cries I'm dying I'm already dead You want to know about me You want to heal my pain But you don't know what suffering There lies in my domain And let the song continue Let the fever burn The ocean is calling for a foe Let me answer And the rain, it pours above me The clouds, they follow my move And something about love long lost Something about the moon I will never know the meaning 'Cause death's graciously soon Its okay Climb my Pedestal Come right up and take my words Take my pages Go home and shove them up your cunt You don't want to fuck me anyway Take my brain; take my heart Jam them in a jar and place them on your Bookshelf I'm sure that's all you want anyway All the rest of you are like the rest You want pretty words My pretty words But you don't want me You want the pleasure without the pain The empathy without the psychosis Tough shit You can't have one... I'm sick and tired of being abandoned by my work.
As I sit here staring at my Reflection In the face of a cold, steel Razor Cutting notches in my skin For all the times I have Killed To save my soul, I am taken aback by all the Rage in my chest The blood flows freely Now The wound is deeper Than I have ever Imagined The razor takes on more feeling as My tendons snap in excrutiating Pain I look down on the unstoppable Torrent of memories pouring down my Mind And I wonder if I was ever Sane And then, there is the Pain The pain of remembering The last time I saw Death The last time I had a commanding lead in Destruction Of innocents And the tainting of my soul My mind burns with Holy Fires purifying me of any goodness For my soul is too soiled to become Clean So I wear a cross in divine disguise And it burns me every night The pain of compassion And I stay away from the pain of Light For it is filled with Lies And it hurts me to stand in its glare So I worship in its shadow And every time I look into a Mirror I take the razor and cut Deeper Into my mind And I wonder if I mind POUR HOUSE Kris felt more at home with alcohol on the way to his stomach... Having just moved, he felt so alone; and for the first time- unsure. It wasn't the fact that he felt as if his magnetic Brain seemed to need to re-adjust to Kris' new location Of NESW, it was that now he was back In diapers, crying for a warm breast to Get some comfort. Nothing seemed to soothe Kris anymore. Not music. Not walking. Not writing. Only alcohol ate away at his crusty unassuredness That lined his stomach, and Kris would often laugh Uncontrollably when he puked said lining up. Drunkenness is a far cry from contentment. He wished he had someone to talk to. Someone with long, dark hair. Bright, bottomless Oceans full of life for eyes, a cocky Attitude, and a strong left hook. But she was now so far away- she might as well be Dead to him... And that worried Kris. A lot. Leaving behind someone he loves so much was absolutely Not an uncommon thing- it had happened before. Kris expected it. Anticipated it. That's why he never tried to go out with her in the first place. Loved her, but never loved her. Never kissed her. Just hugged, and held, and talked, and carved her Face into his brain with a ball-point pen. I am the Reaction... I no longer care to find the meaning to Myself no longer cares about Timeless tirades of tainted fables. I am the reaction to Stimuli has no purpose, Only actions make up the pattern Life is a reaction to Death is a reaction to I am the reaction to Stimuli has no purpose, Only actions make up the pattern Life is a reaction to Death is a reaction to I no longer care to find the meaning to Myself no longer cares about Timeless tirades of tainted fables. I am the reaction to Stimuli has no purpose, Only actions make up the pattern Life is a reaction to Death is a reaction to I no longer care to find the meaning to Myself no longer cares about Timeless tirades of tainted fables... SEASONS OF YOU You change so much, and you dont even know It. I crave your face in everyone I see. Who are you? Even I don't know. Are you a childhood friend that I once had? A shadow I saw on some Lavender sheet of ice caressing a tree? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Your smile can put a child's innocence to Shame, make an angel's wings look that of a Crow. To call your name in anger is to kick the Lord in his groin... And if that thought wasn't so pleasant I wouldn't do it so often. I can see hips swaying seductively in Your shadow. Your eyes are ocean Bottomless Full of life But who are you? What memory? You change forms more times than wannabes Change identities, chameleons change color, or Parents find a new way to torture you better... The abuse is always there... The solitude... Are you me? I love the way you sob. You've got crying down pat! The clothes you wear, the songs you live... But what does your face look like? I want to know If you really exist. I want to know Whom do I kiss? Who am I in love with? These are your names, but they're always you. They're all I've ever known...
Sex drips like the sound of falling water in a Shower. Love drops to the floor like a bar of Soap. Lust starts in the middle of your back, then Creeps electronically up and down your spine- Flowinf uo your chest and head Dripping out of you nipples and onto your Crotch, meeting up with the raging inferno Warming crazily, causing your thighs to feel Wetter than they alreeady are- smushing in a Pool of desire... Love is a built up extrusion- and is thusly Tossed aside like a child in an abusive household. When it comes doen to it- sex is an awful Addiction. An insanity in a sane world. A trip. A subtle seduction. A pick-me-up. A ruse. A fun ruse, nonetheless. Fucking is what flies do, what maggots eat... SOMETHING MORE THAN NOTHING I've reached the edge of the Curb of life And I stare down into Abysmal pits Of nothing exciting Nothing sparkels Pitch black Life is repeated phonetics Deja vu of memories Present Of memories forgotten And those not had We can see Past and future The orange hair The trigger pulls... I'm the kid with the golden eyes The brain of brains And the tongue of lies I've looked at my subconcious and saw I have no reason I have no reason Who among you loved me without words Loved me without looks Loved me without ambitions I made up stories Just to keep you talking Just to keep you excited Just to keep you around The digger you deep- the less you've found I'm the lion chained to his tail Chained to his passions Life is nothing Just a String of phonetics Just a Repeating pattern of visuals I'm lost because I'm saved No-one wants a useless person We suck the fun out of One another We squeeze the pulp dry I'm so sad Because I don't know And it Really pisses me off Which makes me sad This is it We're Little maggots Dripping Out from someone's eyes When i was just a lad knee high to a grasshopper i stood in a sterile white room sobbing the doctors were confused nothing was wrong it took them ages just to realize i was putting on a show for them nothing matters i sobbed as the latex glove poked out my eyes my sockets bled and i fell down screaming THEY laughed and picked my groins sightless seeing i ran away i ran away i ran away drunken back i have replaced my eyes i have sewn them Shut and opened my heart [And the realtor says: this plot can be yours] I DON'T KNOW WHAT "IT" IS, BUT I KNOW ITS EASY Take it Its easy Take it Its easy Take it Its easy Take take take take Easy easy easy easy Take take take take Easy easy easy easy Take! Easy! Take! Easy! Take! Easy! What are we supposed to take? And why is it so easy? If its so easy- wont it break? Maybe its kinda sleazy. I don't know what "it" is, but I know its easy. Untied United We saunter down the shambles of society Looking for easy things to take, taking things easily The other day, I took it so easy, I kept on keeping on- having a good one. Man, I took it so easy that day, I had TWO good ones. Its okay...I could care less I Could Care Less But once you take it Keep it real
Don't sleep anymore; just sort of pass out One second I'm awake, the next I'm awake. Don't dream now- too hungry 'cause I spent it all on my mind. This world is tough, if you let it. If you don't, this world is fine. I'd like to tell you why... but I forgot. A'int nothin' worth memberin' Nothin' ain't worth your time. If you're wrong, its the devil. When things go right- thanks be to god. If its one, then it must be same. Blame god for everything, since its all his fault. I walk, four hours for two. Walking takes the place of sleep. I don't want to do anything; I don't want to be here But every time I stop, you prod my feet. Lord, You're a sadist and I'm trying to be passive, but its so hard with all the crime on the street. Why must you send fate to taunt me- When I find a gun? I looked up, into sky sky above. Paladial clouds opened. "Prince," Cried a dove. I saw his face, it was smiling but indifferent and the thought occured to me that he needed a shave. Looked down upon me, stuck his tongue out and boomed: "I'll shake the farm when I want my ants to behave!" Shake the farm? What the fuck does that mean? That ain't an answer. But the clouds locked shut- no more Lord. Someone to my right drew a crossbow And it launched an arrow from the paper. It ripped a dying leaf off a branch from an ancient, imposing tree. The leaf contorted itself with its fatal breath, and coughed upward- catching a breeze. See-sawing back and forth towards the meandering ground, I watched. Translucent, my life showing through. It filled me with rage to see this leaf fall (though I know not why). The leaf struck the ground. Repeatedly I stomped it While masturbating. Kris walked down the street, hair ruffled Eyes with silver hammer pupils. And he caressed that Holy .44. Divine drool sauntered down his chin, as he aimed at the small children playing oh, so innocently in the fountain He spoke. I am purpose. I am vibration. I am justice. I am dammnation. I'm the grain of salt that collapses the tunnel. The unsure, hesitant drop of water that clings to the funnel. Shots ran out, church bells rang. Little enemies died without pain. Farther down the street, a midget looked into the sun "Lord, why do you send fate to taunt me- when I find a gun?" God laughed and slapped Satan on Jesus' back. THE MORAL OF THIS STORY: NEVER GO TO COLLEGE, AND SHOOT ALL LITTLE KIDS IN THE HEAD.