"When I left," she started, touching my face, looking into my eyes before she looked back out into the garden, the darkness. "I was so confused about me, you, about us. Leaving right then was the only way I could keep loving you. It sounds so silly but I did leave out of love, Todd. I left because things were just so difficult for us that I thought it was better to leave then, when we still cared about each other than to leave later, possibly with us bitter and frustrated."

Holding his hand, looking at his slim fingers in mine, noticing that the ring I had given him had been replaced by a tattoo ring. There forever, third finger on his left hand. The finger that is closest to the heart. I ran my finger over the inked design as I continued.

"And I admit that I ran the gamut of emotions when I left; I loved you, I hated you, I was confused by you. I couldn't understand what was missing inside of me that I couldn't make you love me."

"Tea..."

I stopped him with my hand. I needed to tell him. "I had taken all of your insecurities and all of your problems and made them mine. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me because I couldn't fix you by loving you with me. That was part of my problem, Todd. I thought that if I could just give you me, love your problems away, things would be better between us."

"I realize," she continued, sighing, wiping away stray tears that had fallen from her eyes. "That we were two people, two confused, needy people who needed so much from each other but not at the same time. Of course, that came after years of expensive therapy but it came. We just needed different things at the same time. It wasn't your fault, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't anyone's fault. It was just the luck of the draw."

"So, with my new found wisdom, I moved on. I found my place and lived my life. I knew what I needed to make me happy. But when I saw you again, at the gallery, time stopped for just a moment. It was like a lifetime had passed since I saw you last but then again, it felt like no time had passed at all. It felt natural to see you, standing there, looking at me. When I saw you, I forgot how much I missed you in my life. Even after all that we've been through, at that moment, I realized that you were missing in my life." Then with a smile, she added, "You've spoiled me for other men, Todd Manning."

I don't know what to say to that, looking away from her. She leans her head so that she can see my eyes. "I say that," she continues, "to say that I know what I want in a relationship and I can't settle anymore. And I will admit to you that I've dated and tried but they aren't what I want. What I want I want with you."

"When you invited me up here for the weekend, I had to make myself count to ten before I answered because it took everything in me not to jump up and say 'yes'. I still wanted you but I reached a time in my life that even though I know what I want and it includes you, I can't settle anymore. I've moved passed that Todd, I won't go backwards."

Turning his face to meet mine, I stroke his cheek. His eyes fluttered, his head leaning into my touch. "I don't want go back to the past. And I can't look into the future right now, Todd. I can't tell you what's going to happen on Monday, I can't even tell you what will happen in the morning. But if we stay right here, right now, I can give you that. I know its not fair, to you because you obviously want so much. And I won't want you to be the one to settle this time but I can't tell you that things will work out. I can't, not now."

I watched her, tears rolling off her long lashes onto her cheeks. I wipe them away with my thumb. Taking her hand, I stand up, moving towards the door but she hesitates, looking up at me with questioning eyes. "It's OK, Delgado. Come on."

Walking back into the house, I take her to the small bathroom off of the kitchen. Once inside, I take a washcloth from the linen closet wetting it under the faucet. I take the cool cloth and gently wipe her face, wiping away the tears on her cheeks.

He brushes the cloth along my cheek, my jaw. I place my hand over his, moving along with him as he moves the soft cloth over my lips, my chin. He finishes, tossing the cloth into the sink, smoothing my hair away from my face.

"I'm not settling," I tell her, my thumb caressing her cheek, her jaw, her chin. "Being with you isn't settling."

"Even if I can't give you tomorrow?"

"I don't want tomorrow, Delgado. I just want right now."

Kissing his hand, I take his into mine and we walk silently down the hall way to my room. I was looking for any hesitation from him, even the slightest bit but it wasn't there. He followed me into the room, shutting the door behind us.

To be continued. . .

© Copyright by Whlwtcher 2000