2:33am. The clock mocked me. There would be no sleep tonight as I lay here in this beautiful bed, in his house, frustration running through me feeling as if this was a sad déjà vu. Only this time, I'm the one who pushed him away, ran from his sexuality. That deep ache returned as I remembered how I wished he wasn't wearing those jeans, wanting, needing to feel him, all of him in my hand. Damn but turnabout could be a bitch.

Padding my way through the hallway, I needed a drink. Water, most definitely cold, maybe that would help things. Making my way into the kitchen, I notice the patio door open off the living room. Standing in the doorway, I see Todd sitting on the porch swing, his long legs stretched out onto the white rattan coffee table in front of him. In his lap was a stack of stapled papers with several of the pages folded over. In the other, resting on top of his thigh was a mug of light green liquid, wisps of light steam floating from it.

The cool breeze floated over me, bringing the scent of her perfume to my nose. I turned to see her standing dressed in a thin white T-shirt and men's boxers at the patio door. She was such a delight to look at, especially in the moonlight. Her hair was slightly tousled, becoming more so as the gentle wind caught the silky strands, moving them around. It glowed of the moon, catching the highlights, casting a halo around her head.

"Hey," I heard myself say as she moved out onto the patio, crossing her arms around her against the chill. "I didn't wake you did I?"

She shook her head as she sat down next to me on the swing, pulling a blanket from the back of the swing onto her legs as she pulled them up under her.

"I couldn't sleep. What about you?"

"Reading." He said simply, sipping out of his mug then handing it to me.

"Since when have you worn glasses?" I asked smiling at him as his bespectacled eyes turned towards me, sniffing the contents of the mug. They were simple frames, gold horn-rimmed. He looked so different.

"Since they started making everything in smaller print. Are you going to sniff at that all night or are you going to drink it?"

I look at the contents. "It's green." I announce.

"It's piss-green to be more accurate." He tells me, watching as I turn my nose up. "But it's good. Chamomile, supposed to soothe you or something."

"Does it work?" I ask, sipping it, feeling it warm my throat as I swallowed.

"Don't I look soothed?" he asked with a smirk.

She nodded. "You do actually. You look a lot better Todd, really you do. Whatever you're doing agrees with you."

"I don't do anything," I told her, taking the cup again, sipping the tea before passing it back to her. "I'm rich. Don't have to."

"So you just sit here all day, doing nothing."

"No, I don't sit here all day. I just come up here on the weekends. I sit in my loft in New York and do nothing. Actually, to be honest, this is the first weekend I've been up here since I had the house."

"What made you buy the house?" I asked and then regretted it when he just turned and looked at me. I knew why he had bought the house; it was in a place that I had always wanted to go, to be. He had bought it because of me. Sadness washed over me.

"I saw the house," he started, looking out onto the garden again, "when I was on one of my many long drives. I had had a crappie week, I lost money on an investment, and people were getting on my nerves so I just took off, took a drive and ended up here. I saw it and stopped, looking at it. It was such a hideous thing; it was really run down. But I couldn't stop looking at it. It was like I felt calm here, you know? I know it's a stupid thing to say but I really felt good about the house. So I came in and looked around."

"You broke in?" she asked, incredulously.

I laughed. "You can't break in to an abandoned building, Delgado."

"Um, yes, you can, remember, lawyer sitting here."

He waved his hand at me before stretching his arm out, placing the length along the back of the swing. The movement brought him closer to me and I felt heat radiating off his body. I tried harder to concentrate on his words.

"Anyway," he continued smiling,"I liked what I saw and bought the house the next day. I had some contractors come in and redo some stuff and here you go."

"It's a beautiful house Todd, really."

"You didn't get to see the garden did you? It's a rose garden. I had it planted special."

He didn't have to tell me that they were peach roses, I knew they were. That made me even sadder.

"I remember while I was sitting here, looking at this old beat-up house and there was this song that was playing on the radio. And the house and the song, it got me to thinking about you and us, but mostly you. I don't know who it's by but there's a line in it that goes:

//I know someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky
But why
Why can't it be mine//

"I was jealous when I saw you with Roger. I know I shouldn't have been but I was." I continued. "I'm not saying that to try to change things, I'm not. I just wanted you to know that I was. I didn't mean to mess up your life again, you gotta believe that. It just, just hurts that we can't get it together, you know? That I couldn't get it together to be with you. It's like I got to this point where I was just tired, you know? Tired of fighting and being scared that I just bought the house, even though it reminded me of you and everything that I lost, I bought it because it gave me back a little piece of what we had, you know?"

Tears spilled from my eyes as I listened to him talk, really talk about how he felt. He turned to look at me and his eyes misted as he watched the tears fall from my eyes. He quickly looked away, back out into the darkness, hiding his sadness from me. I didn't want that. Not after hearing him, feeling him, I wanted to share his pain with him so I touched his face, turning for him to face me. His eyes shut at my touch, tears spilling onto his cheeks. He opened his eyes to look at me.

"I wanted so much for this weekend to be special for us," he whispered, touching my hair, my cheek. I leaned my head into his touch. "I wanted for us to be together, really be together but I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have. You have to believe that."

It was important for her to believe him because he was telling the truth. He had gotten her here with an ulterior motive. He wanted to seduce her, make love to her all weekend long. Show her that she truly was desirable and had always been. And he would have to deal if on Monday she left him and went back to her life. He'd accept that. But they would have had two days together, becoming as close as too people could be. He would have shown her that she was wrong, that he did in fact want her, desire her that way. Most of all, he could finally be at peace with himself. He would take the memories of this weekend and make them last for the rest of his life.

We dropped into a silence, the only sounds around them were the sounds of the night; the crickets chirping, trees rustling with the occasional blowing of the wind, the sound of water lapping against the rocks off in the distance.

We dropped into a silence, the only sounds around them were the sounds of the night; the crickets chirping, trees rustling with the occasional blowing of the wind, the sound of water lapping against the rocks off in the distance.

To be continued. . .

© Copyright by Whlwtcher 2000